Was I giving the wrong idea to him?

[Day_dream]

Hello to everyone reading this and thank you for your time!

Ok so I'm almost 18 (Jan next year) and I met this guy "John" who's 27 whilst volunteering for a charity shop. I only see him once a week when I go and volunteer and we never really spoke to each other until about a month ago (we met in April this year).

I'm a very 'touchy' girl who doesn't mind being hugged etc and it's a well established fact in the shop. We have each other's number and text or facebook each other during the week.

But recently he's started to get overly touchy with me... like he'll now come up and hold me by the hips more often that ever - I don't mind being held by the hips, but it's more the frequency of it that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and perhaps thinking along the wrong lines.... Was I giving him the wrong idea by allowing him to be 'touchy'? Or am I just getting slightly paranoid?

EDIT:
Oh and as a joke, me and John are an 'item' in the shop - everyone jokes about us and teases us but at the same time, we all know it's a joke. Should this have been my warning signal? I have established with everyone that our friendship can go beyond friends in the sense that I take him as an older brother - so it's a brother-sister relationship in my defence and everyone seemed fine with it.

Yet, last week he facebooks me questioning why we can't be 'friends' and not 'brother-sister' because being friends gives him hope (this was after I wrote 'my brother' at the end of the last message). I was able to make him back down on the questionning but was this another sign that he's beginning to fancy me? I know I don't like him beyond a friend/brother, but I'm getting more unsure about what he feels towards me.

[malteser]

If he said he would prefer being friends rather than brother-sister as this still gives him hope, then this would suggest he likes you as more than just a friend. I wouldn't say that you have done anything wrong, but I think that you should make it clear to him that he isn't someone you would ever want a relationship with so that he knows where he stands.

[Day_dream]

Thanks malteser, but how I can put that statement across without making it ... er... very blunt or rude even?

UPDATE:
I've never with him outside of the charity shop (save one time when he offered to get me a coffee after voluntary work and so we went together to get a take away coffee before walking off in different directions). I said I would quite like to see a film and he then offered to take me to see the film - I've said yes. We're only going to go and see the film together and I said yes before he turned more 'touchy' and before he hinted that he wouldn't want a brother-sister relationship.... Should I still go and see the film with him?

[love guru]

if u dont wanna him... then just dont give him any hope... say that he is like a bro... feeding hope and then disappointing is far worse.

[searock]

He clearly likes you as more than a friend, and I don't think you should go see the movie with him before you make sure he knows that you are not interested in him as a potential romantic partner. Find a "nice" way to tell him that you aren't into him, just make sure the message gets across. Then it will be up to him to decide whether he still wants to see the film with you or not. Just (I'll repeat myself just in case) make sure you aren't stringing him along (by not saying anything, being "touchy" and accepting to go on a date - cause I'm sure that's what he meant with his offer - with him, you are giving him false hope) if you aren't interested in him.

[Day_dream]

I've said many times - in front of him and other volunteers that he's like a bro and no more. I did once make it very clear to him that because of our age gap and me being still a teenager - that nothing romantic is ever going to happen between us. He accepted that at the time. I don't see why he's almost suddenly dismissing that point? Should I be more blunt? Is he just in denial then?

He's a guy who's never had much luck with girls and I'm beginning to feel unsure about whether he just likes the fact he's got a female friend whom he can talk to or whether he's beginning to get other ideas... :/

And thanks love guru and searock for the reply!

[searock]

He might be in denial. Especially if he's so inexperienced with girls. If you don't like his attentions, keep a firm distance from him. And if you feel even the least bit uncomfortable around him, it's probably better you don't see that movie with him after all, no matter how clear things are.

[Sweet Lemon]

Hi Daydream

You sound like a really friendly, positive and happy go lucky kind of girl. Sometimes those personality traits coupled with the fact that you are physically affectionate with your friends and co-workers can be taken in the wrong context. I feel really strongly about the romantic/sexual intentions of this guy based on what you have said and I think it would be a bad idea to see him outside of your voluntary work as this could give him reason to believe it's a date instead of a friendly outing. If I were in your situation I would quietly take him aside and let him know that you think he's a wonderful person but that you don't feel any sparks of attraction while you are with him and that your relationship will not be taking an intimate turn.

I think you'll have one of three outcomes.

1) He will get the point and stop pursuing you and keep it professional/friendly.
2) Once he realises there won't be any sex involved in your relationship he'll drop you like a hot potato and lose all interest in being your 'friend'.
3) He will become desperate and stalkerish in which case you should delete him from facebook and find another great cause to dedicate your time to so that you don't have to see him anymore.

I hope this helps!

~Lemons

[vashti]

I think your allowing him to touch you in ways your brother NEVER would has given him the idea that you would be receptive to him going further. Brothers don't hold their sisters by the hips, nor do they ask to be anything more than brother and sister.

Cancel your movie plans. Tell him you've decided it would feel too much like a real date, which would be creepy since you only think of him as a brother, and besides, he is way too old for you. Be sure to say BOTH of these things. He will get the message right away.

And stop letting males touch you in familiar ways unless you are romantically interested. You ARE sending the wrong message.

[Day_dream]

Searock - That's great advice thanks. I will make sure I draw my line firmer with him.

Lemons - Yeah, I see your point. My worries is that I don't really know how to confront people when "rejecting" them - he's a great friend and I don't want to ruin our friendship... but I will try and tell him as you suggested.

vashti - well he asked me to go and see the film with him as more of an incentive - kinda brother treating sister reasoning. It was not until a few days ago, that I felt something was perhaps taking a turn for the worse than for the better. Anyhow, your reasoning to cancel the plan is perfect - thanks v much!

[MerryH]

Sounds like you've pretty much got the situation under control, but I want to mention that you should be mindful of how you present yourself in a professional environment, and how others treat you. I know it's just a volunteer position, but it's still "business" and you shouldn't be the "touchy" girl, nor should anyone be holding you by the hips or making jokes about you dating a coworker. It's just really inappropriate and shouldn't be happening. Don't allow your reputation in the workplace to become "that girl who doesn't mind if men put their hands on her." You won't be taken seriously.

I'm not trying to lecture you or make you feel bad (it's actually your coworkers who are more in the wrong, in my opinion,) but you're very young and this is probably one of your first jobs, so I just wanted to point that out.

[bulrush]

we all know it's a joke. Should this have been my warning signal?

Yes. The people in the shop think you two are a couple, that's a warning signal. Him touching your hips in a work environment is not professional. Neither is hugging. Stop it.

I've never with him outside of the charity shop (save one time when he offered to get me a coffee after voluntary work and so we went together to get a take away coffee before walking off in different directions).

He might think that was a date. So he might be confused and think you like him.

My suggestions:

1. Don't have coffee with him anymore.
2. No more hugging anyone at the shop.
3. You need to tell him to stop touching you. At the same time, tell him he is nice, but you don't want to date him.

[Nice Lover Boy]

Since you mention that you don't like him as more, if you don't want to be rude, best way to break it to him is to tell him that you are talking to someone. This will make him go hopeless for you.

[Day_dream]

It's just really inappropriate and shouldn't be happening. Don't allow your reputation in the workplace to become "that girl who doesn't mind if men put their hands on her." You won't be taken seriously.

I see your point - but the atmosphere in the charity shop is just so relaxed - none of us, those in the paid positions act in a formal way. But I will try to be more careful.

However, I'm not sure how to say, I'm kinda annoyed that a friendly hug can be taken the wrong way

Also thanks to bulrush and Nice Lover Boy for the advice.