Mama's boy?

[pennyarcade]

I've been seeing a 23-year-old guy who studies with me at university for a bit over a year. He proclaims to be very much in love with me and wants to marry me, and I like him quite a lot. I like to think I'm a pretty good girlfriend - I take an interest in his interests, go to his sports events to support him, pay attention to him, help him as much as I can etc. He's very nice to me, though I don't really have a hobby he can support and I'm the more academic one, so the best he can do is usually pay for meals. However, recently he's been acting more and more like a child. A couple of examples -

• On our only day off before exams, we were 3 minutes late out the door and he not only kept track of it, he was angry and sullen later because of it, which culminated in him yelling at me on the beach for being inconsiderate. When I said I couldn't cope with him behaving like this, he said, "then don't" and turned away.
• When he came to join me at university to study for exams, he said I should "stay as late as I needed to to get work done" and insisted I choose where we go for dinner. Unfortunately I decided to leave half an hour after he really wanted to, and got pizza rather than burgers. For this, he barely spoke to me through dinner.
• In class, his mobile phone was sitting in front of me. I absent-mindedly picked it up to fiddle with it, and he snatched it back, yelled at me and proceeded to tear me apart after class until I was in tears.

He gets angry a lot for no reason, takes me to task (usually until I get very upset), then promises not to do it again after a long and heartfelt discussion. In his words, he "doesn't know what comes over him". I've asked him to see a counsellor, and he has, but it doesn't seem to do any good. He gets particularly mad about time and his plans being disrupted, which I try my best to tiptoe around.

He also has horrendous self-esteem problems and is obsessed with his appearance - which is ridiculous, because he plays a lot of sport and is quite muscly. He's also lazy but ashamed of his university performance, and he lied to everyone about his marks until I caught sight of his official transcript.

I think a big part of the problem is, he's living at home - being completely taken care of, cooking and washing included - and his parents are terribly controlling. They will take it upon themselves to veto dates we plan and drag him home early. He is forced to buy certain presents, to a certain value, for his family members. He has even been sent to bed early because his brother has an exam the next day. Further, he never stands up for himself, apart from getting angry and uselessly shouting at them. He dropped out of his other degree a number of years ago and ever since then, they don't trust him to do anything himself.

He's now applying for re-entry to that degree and will have another year of study to go. I'm graduating in a month, have a great job in a city firm in the new year and will be moving out ASAP. We originally discussed him moving out with me, which he agreed to then reneged on a couple of months later because he can't bear the idea of us fighting all the time - which to be quite frank I agree with. I suggested he move out with one of his friends, which he thought was a good idea, then reneged on that as well. Now he wants to stay at home, because, among a few reasons, it's just easier and he cannot be bothered looking for a place. I really do think that if he's forced out of this environment and is no longer treated like a child, he'll grow up.

He is fine 95% of the time, and lots of fun to be around and very kind. But the childishness is only increasing, and I don't want to be dating a manchild once I'm out earning a living as an adult. I've tried to talk to him about it but the message just doesn't seem to get through. As I write this, I realise how problematic it all is! Should I stick around and wait until he finishes his studies, or chalk this one up to experience?

[regdenied]

Remind me of myself when was a lot younger, but maybe 17, but not 23, and I wouldn't have been so going crazy at you for things like that. Guy sounds like he has some wires that need fixing upstairs.

[Saya]

One of my ex was mama's boy... it frustrated me a lot!
He also had really bad temper problem and get angry at small things and I hated it so much.
There was times he was living with his parents for a bit because of financial reason, but when he was living with them, his mum would do everything for him... cook him breakfast/lunch and dinner. Clean his room/wash his clothes etc.
He moved out and got himself a apartment to live in, but then his mum will always interfere... she would always come over and do his washing/cleaning/cooking etc
We were together for 4years and not much changed so we broke up.

Do you think that your bf will graduate uni? Since he dropped out of one of degree, there is possible that he may not want to finish his uni degree.
You have talked to him about this and nothing changed so what else do you think you should do??

[pennyarcade]

He'll at least graduate with (one of the same) degrees as me; he's only got a few classes left, and that's only because when he dropped out of the one, the requirements for this one rose. Unfortunately he's been applying for jobs but since the market is pretty bad and his marks aren't the greatest, he's been having a LOT of trouble. That, and he writes all his applications at the very last second and they aren't very good.

He says that next year will be fine, even though we'll be in very different places in our lives and I shouldn't worry about what he'll do. But I worry that even after that, he'll be much the same, and I don't know if I want to put up with it while I'm adjusting to working full time...

Saya, it sounds like tantrums are a real mummy's boy thing!

[Boisdevie]

You need to dump him and find someone 'normal'

[love guru]

the guy is having emotional problems at home... he needs luv and at the same time his frustation gets better of him... u need to talk to him... open him up...