The dreaded Thailand discussion. Advice needed.

[Sweet Lemon]

Hello Love Forum!

This is totally long winded but please please please give me some advice. I'm usually pretty good at reading people and giving relationship advice but when it comes to the matters of my own heart I sometimes need a reality check! So please if someone would be so kind as to read this essay (or the 8th Harry Potter as I like to refer to it) I'd be deeply grateful

A bit of back story before the main attraction:

I am in a year long relationship with a wonderful man 16 years older than myself and we now live together. Over the last 12 months I have witnessed behaviour from him that has given me no reason to doubt that he has a very healthy respect for family values and women as well as a respectful, (maybe even slightly shy), attitude toward sex. When we began dating he was the one who insisted on getting to know each other a little better before fully consumating the physical side of our relationship. We spent every night together for the first 3 weeks (a bit intense but we enjoy each others company immensely) during which there was heavy petting involved but no intercourse. I had never met a man who has given the 'take it slow' pitch before so it was a new experience for me and quite a refreshing one!

I have had a couple of serious boyfriends in my time and a couple of not so serious ones and in the duration of each relationship it has come to light that they have cheated on me (which is very annoying considering I have a healthy libido and am not known to deny the object of my affection very often lol)

My current partner has never given me a reason not to trust him implicitly. I'm not the kind of woman who has a heart attack at the mere mention of a surfing trip or fishing trip with the boys. It is healthy and normal to give each other a bit of space and the opportunity to miss each other every now and then. In fact I see it as a vital part to any relationship because more often than not reconnecting with each other upon return keeps things fresh and fun.

One night at our local bar we were having a few drinks with a good mate of his and they started on the topic of Thailand and how the surf, scenery and lack of impact to the wallet makes for an awesome holiday. It came to light during the course of the conversation that they have been thinking about doing a surf trip there for some years but have never gotten around to it due to the demands of work and their children (who are now grown) my partner and his friend are both single fathers who over the years, while their children were young, would holiday together almost like a little family unit to make it more fun for the kids.

Now that the kids have moved out of home they are keen on the idea of taking a boys holiday to let their hair down, surf and fish and drink like maniacs. I don't have a problem with this. However I do have a problem with the location.

I have heard too many stories of unsuspecting wives and girlfriends ending up with one or more nasty diseases after these 'boys trips' because their partners had no intention of keeping their trousers zipped. In fact even my partner pointed out one of the regulars at the bar who had come back from Thailand recently and was in the process of getting treated for one of these little 'nasties' that he had picked up along the way.

During other conversations, (under the influence of alcohol and while sober), my partner has made it quite clear that he thinks guys who visit prostitutes are desperados and that one night stands aren't typically his 'thing' and that all of his encounters of a casual nature have always been for more than one evening even though they didn't lead down a more serious track.

I don't know if I am naive or if I'm actually dealing with a genuinely wonderful guy with a moral or two under his tool belt. Before anyone flames me for being paranoid, jealous or controlling please understand that I am actually a pretty cool person in most circumstances, but with a bit of experience in getting cheated on and all the horror stories about sleazy, disease ridden, pushy prostitutes I am a bit concerned about the possibility of the two of them making this hypothetical trip a reality.

Am I worried for no reason? Like I said before I have no issue with him wanting to fish and surf and let his hair down with his friend but why Thailand? It sounds to me like it's a recipe for disaster and to be honest if they did go to Thailand and didn't ask if I'd like to join them the chances of me still being his trusty other half upon their return is quite slim. I have a tendency to cut my losses, change my phone number and move on after definitely being cheated on as I see no point in agonising or fighting over the deception.

I know I'm being a typical 'girl' about this but I feel that it's not without reason and maybe part of my problem is I've never been so off the charts in love like I am this time around. What do the gentleman on here think about this? Keep in mind I'm not 100% sure if this trip will become a reality. I'm just concerned that it will and I know I'm not going to be the one to throw him the Bon Voyage party.

If your partner expressed her concern about the disgusting things that go on in Thailand and if you were genuinely concerned for the welfare of your relationship would you not go, or perhaps include her on this particular trip? Or would you just go anyway and hope for the best when you got back?

If you're still here reading THANK YOU! I know I've been a bit long winded LOL but I really love this guy and want to continue to show him the respect and trust that we have always had for each other and I don't want to turn into some clingy monster that can't let her man out of her clutches for two seconds out of insecurity. I really can't stand people like that and I don't want to have to change my name to Hypocrite Lemon!

Many Thanks

~ Lemons

[Wakeup]

I'm having a hard time understanding why you would even consider a man that has such a high moral standard would even consider sleeping with a street whore? What brought to you such a thought, other than the story you heard about the friend bringing home a nasty? If your bf heard that story I think he'd be contemplating the ick factor here and wouldn't be taking unneccessary risks with his and your sexual health.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'm having a hard time understanding why you would even consider a man that has such a high moral standard would even consider sleeping with a street whore?

Why would anyone contemplate sleeping with a street whore in Thailand when you can get a high class one from a bar for less than $10.

[Wakeup]

Why would anyone contemplate sleeping with a street whore in Thailand when you can get a high class one from a bar for less than $10.

Oxymoron of the day: High class ~ Thailand whore

[regdenied]

I've got a different view on this. Thailand discussion came up with maaaaaany many guys, married guys, single guys, of all different backgrounds and class, you name it. I think there is only one reason men visit Thailand, and it is not for the surf. There are far better places to surf than Thailand. I mean, going to Thailand and NOT picking up some cheap Thai hookers who'll take care of a man all night for a very modest fee, is like going to Amsterdam and not smoking a spliff. I mean, some people DO go there and not smoke a spliff, for sure, but what's the main attraction? Bangcock is the sex capital of the world, there's no type of sex and no type of sex partner that one cannot find on even a limited budget, other parts of the country are cheaper still.

And if I was planning a trip to Thailand, I'd want my wife to think I was a very upstanding gent too. I don't want to get you all paranoid but I do disagree completely with the guy in the first post. Of course, if he wants you to come, then I guess I'm wrong, but if it's a "guys only" trip, well.............

I don't think you are wrong to be concerned. If my girlfriend was planning a "girly" trip to Ibiza, I am going to assume the same. Could always been wrong but I always go with my instincts. What do they tell you?

Regards

[Sweet Lemon]

I think there is only one reason men visit Thailand, and it is not for the surf. There are far better places to surf than Thailand. I mean, going to Thailand and NOT picking up some cheap Thai hookers who'll take care of a man all night for a very modest fee, is like going to Amsterdam and not smoking a spliff.

Exactly what I've been thinking. There are loads of places to surf right here in our own backyard without needing to go to Thailand to do it. Despite thinking (hoping?) he might have the moral fortitude (and the brains) to forego the sexual aspect of Thailand there's still a bucketload of temptation and alcohol to contend with and I imagine it would be extremely difficult for a guy to say no time after time when being approached by lots of different beautiful women offering anything you want. I didn't think my concern immediately elevated me to 'cunt' or 'psycho' status so thank you very much for your helpful post. I'll have to wait and see what happens.

~Lemon

[regdenied]

Besides, when men want to go on a men only vacation, the location doesn't really make any difference. Put any two guys together, and one of them will always have the inkling + few beers = naughty boys! And you don't need to go to Thailand to find a prostitute, or even cheap prostitutes. They are everywhere, in every country, every town will have a brothel of some kind, because there's always a demand.

[regdenied]

I think you are one with the rose tints, brought up on fairy tale romance ideals and nonsense that self help relationship guru type cranks preach about. No offence.

A sexually active male is possible going to what is commonly described as the sex capital of the world, likely accompanied by a male friend and excluding his partner. He is going to spend a week or two surfing, meanwhile using his right hand instead of using the services of a variety and plentiful amount of sex workers, many of whom will be younger and more attractive than his partner, and potentially cheaper than if he took his wife/partner out for dinner.

Laugh out loud.

[Wakeup]

I think you are one with the rose tints, brought up on fairy tale romance ideals and nonsense that self help relationship guru type cranks preach about. No offence.

A sexually active male is possible going to what is commonly described as the sex capital of the world, likely accompanied by a male friend and excluding his partner. He is going to spend a week or two surfing, meanwhile using his right hand instead of using the services of a variety and plentiful amount of sex workers, many of whom will be younger and more attractive than his partner, and potentially cheaper than if he took his wife/partner out for dinner.

Laugh out loud.

I repeat:

Have a discussion with him, OP: at least then he will probably give you some assurance about things

The fact of the matter is, if he's the cheating type then it doesn't matter if he goes to "the sex capital of the world" or if he goes to the town bicycle during his lunch hour.. he's going to cheat no matter where he is so there's really no purpose in her worrying this time, particularily because of how she describes his general personality and make-up. She's trusted him during other weekends.

She certainly has the perogative to ask him not to go and if he goes anyway, then she can add the angst of him not taking her wishes into consideration as well *if he still goes after knowing how she feels about it.

[Kitten love]

Do you realise how paranoid you sound?

[vashti]

I think there is only one reason men visit Thailand, and it is not for the surf. There are far better places to surf than Thailand.

Agreed. I've never even heard Thailand being mentioned the same sentence as surfing before. To me, it's kind of like saying you are going to Las Vegas for a nun convention. (Of course, I am not a surfer.)

[regdenied]

And he's leaving AU? Gold coast is renowned for some of the best surfing in the world.

[Wakeup]

Agreed. I've never even heard Thailand being mentioned the same sentence as surfing before. To me, it's kind of like saying you are going to Las Vegas for a nun convention. (Of course, I am not a surfer.)

Well, just because we haven't heard of something, doesn't make it so: [url=http://www.wannasurf.com/spot/Asia/Thailand/]Thailand - WannaSurf, surf spots atlas, surfing photos, maps, GPS location[/url]

[Wakeup]

And he's leaving AU? Gold coast is renowned for some of the best surfing in the world.

The only surfer I know... he lives the life and he lives in Au. He travels to different beaches on all his vacations to "surf the world."

I have a friend who loves to ski, She lives in Vancouver but she's been to other mountains around the world to enjoy her sport.

[MaidenMinx]

And he's leaving AU? Gold coast is renowned for some of the best surfing in the world.

I thought our most famous beaches were bells and bondi, neither of which are anywhere near the gold coast....

Are you worried about him cheating or bringing back a disease? Because either can happen anywhere really. If it's the disease issue, have him tested as soon as he gets back. Simple.