NEED HELP! How can I make her fall back in love with me.

[NewLeaf]

I'm going to try to be brief here, but it's hard because I want to give as accurate of an overview as possible of both my situation and the type of person my wife is.

First off, my wife and I are separated. We've been together for 12 years (5 years living together, 7 years married), we were each other's first loves, and we've never really been broken up during that whole period.

Over the last couple of months, we've become estranged. She lives in a separate room and says that we are over. We're still great friends, we still love each other immensely, we have two children, she's says though that she's no longer "in love" with me. She says she wants that fire and doesn't see feeling it for me any more, she's ready to open herself to the possibility of falling in love with somebody else.

The last couple of months have been really hard. The more I try to win her back, or talk through our problems, the further away she's pushed me. I've gone through a grief stricken phase of snooping (even though we're broken up and she really doesn't owe me any explanation for anything), which I believe I've finally gotten past, which only made her angry and move farther away.
I decided that I should keep my distance and give her space. I did this for only a couple of days, and she started initiating conversations and hanging out with me. We've shared drinks, meals and laughed a lot over the last couple of days. I'm still desperately in love with her and I feel that she may be close to feeling something for me again.
I've been worried this whole time because she's shown interest in and has been flirting with an old friend of hers; he's been chasing her very aggressively. I've recently found out that she's slowed down that relationship and she's having doubts about us splitting. She's now saying that she's kind of putting everything on her end on pause; she makes no request of me to not move on. She still says she's not in love with me and doesn't want to get back together, but like I said she's not pulling away anymore like she had been.

I want to woo her back. Lift her off her feet once again. I'm trying to figure out how exactly to do that.

She's very independent which I think is playing into her decision, so I don't want to make her feel that I'm crowding her new freedom. I don't want to push her away again by moving in too close, too soon. At the same time, this was how we originally fell in love. I didn't give up and I wore my heart on my sleeve, I let her know how I felt.

I've considered writing a note or letter and leaving it somewhere where she could find it while she's out of the house (she works and goes to school constantly). This was something we did a lot when we were new, but we just kind of let it die. I know she's big on notes, even with friends, her flirtation with this other guy was primarily text messages. I've been writing a book about my experience and have several excerpts that are basically love letters about her, I've considered hand writing one of those for her to read. She's not wanted to read my book because she doesn't want to take on my problems and add them to her own problems (one of the issues that lead to this whole thing). But some of these excerpts are really just praises for her and what we used to have. I honestly think it's probably good stuff too

Another thing of note here is that she will be going out of town within the next week for 5 days. Now, as history goes, absence does seem to make her heart grow fonder for me. So I've wondered if I should just leave her something for her trip and not speak about it. Or maybe I should build up over the next week with love notes or acts of admiration so she will have an opportunity to miss me over her trip.

I don't know. This whole thing seems manipulative, but it seems that this might be the only way that I can get back to her. I believe she still has the ability to fall back in love with me, maybe she's just blocking it for some reason. It seems when our eyes meet that she still has a spark for me in that capacity. The last thing I want to do is to start pushing her away again.

Anyway, any advice here would be greatly appreciated. If you've been in anything like her position, what made you or would have made you fall back in love with your ex? What can I do that's subtle enough to tread lightly but bold enough to illicit a positive reaction? Or might going bold now that we're comfortable with each other be a better route?

Thank you for your advice, I'll appreciate any help here.

Also, if you feel that the "why" for why we are separated is a vital part of this, I can tell you on another post because there are so many issues that have strained us over the last several years. I will say that neither one of us has physically cheated, I did have long period where I had feelings for another woman. I told my wife and it was very hard for both of us, but I never acted on anything and we did survive through that period. I think my wife still feels a little hurt about it, but she understands the situation and says she is no longer mad about it. It was one of the first strains on us, and she knows that I regret it immensely.

[Cerby]

TL;DR, Have you tried marriage counselling? I read the first 3 paragraphs and saw all I needed to determine this to be your first course of action.

[NewLeaf]

Well, yeah we did marriage counseling a couple of years ago.

I've had several counselors myself over the last several years in relation to many problems on my end that contributed to us falling apart. We went to a counselor and frankly it was only a band aid. My wife and I have talked about it since, and she's admitted that the counselor was primarily on my wife's side.

Two problems with going to counseling right now though. First, we're not financially able to spend a couple hundred or more per month for it. Second, my wife wouldn't go right now anyway. As far as she's concerned we shouldn't be together.

I don't really have much faith in marriage counseling right now either. It seems that you're taking your chances with who ever you pick.

I just need to get my wife to open up to the idea of falling back in love, or trying to make it work. Right now she's unreceptive to that. Even though we're still working as a team running the household, and we still have fun and love each other, she thinks the romantic aspect of our relationship is meant to die so we can both experience new things and new people. She feels we've been working against each other in way of individual growth.

[Wakeup]

So I've wondered if I should just leave her something for her trip and not speak about it. Or maybe I should build up over the next week with love notes or acts of admiration so she will have an opportunity to miss me over her trip.

This is the total opposite of giving someone the chance to miss you. Don't do all this self-absorbed manipulative stuff you're wanting to do because it makes YOU feel better. The worst thing you can do when someone is running away from you is to chase them. Let her stop, turn around and see that you're no longer in pursuit. It will make her back-track to see where you are.

Are you telling us that she thinks you've "separated" but you're still living together? If you are then theres another reason why she has no desire to work on things with you. She has all the comforts and familiarity of the status quo with the option to do other guys if she so desires then, if it doesn't work out with Mr. Wife'smidlifecrisis... she still has old faithful (you) who sticks around and lets her save her cake while she eats it to.

You need to let go of some of your codependency on her and start thinking more about not letting her have the best of both worlds. SHE needs the therapy. She's going through something that has nothing to do with you. If you want this to work out then you'll ask her to leave the family home while she tries to find herself. Trust me, when she finds out that the guy she's flirting with just wants to fk and chuck her, you'll start to look a whole lot more valuable to her then what you do right now being her doormat.

You'd do well to have your own therapy as well. You need to grow up and figure out what you like to do as an individual that will make you feel whole instead of pinning your entire life on being her other half.

Good luck.

[NewLeaf]

Well one of the problems with separate living spaces is that we are financially screwed right now. We have kids and we'd like to maintain a somewhat comfortable home for them, but could not provide that to them if we split households. Therapy, it's another issue that unfortunately has to do with money.

I've considered long and hard a lot of the things you bring up. Out of curiousity, Wakeup, are you a woman or man?

At times we've both really pushed for separating households, but just don't see how to do it without making our kids pay for it.

I have kept my distance (as much as I can) and within just a couple of days she's gravitated towards me. Part of me agrees that she's going through her own thing that has very little to do with me, but I also see years of problems that have lead to this. I'm not at total fault for all of this, but I do regret many things such as this other girl (I was possibly going through the same thing she is now), overlooking her, not keeping the fire kindled, not letting her know that I desired her, I lost her respect due to my own ongoing emotional problems... etc. She's right that we both do need to grow individually, she thinks she can't do that with the relationship that we used to have, and doesn't feel that we can build a new one that could foster our personal growth.

I don't want to be a doormat, and I've begun to open up to the possibility of moving on and doing what I feel like. With this split, she's given me license to do what ever and whomever I please, something that she honestly does not have the time for in her life right now. Technically, I probably have more freedom than her in this situation.

The thing is, I still love her, and I believe there's still something there. I feel that she's moved back close enough now that she might be open to my romancing of her, rekindling the fire. That's why I thought about the notes. I don't want to cave all of the way, but I also want to be the one that provides that "in love" high that she so desperately craves.

In this new page, I don't want either one of us to be the "other half", this is one of the things that really hurt us, and I agree with her that this stunted out growth. I have things to work on, and she does too. I need to be able to stand on my own, and that's the same thing she says she wants. The last thing I want to do is to be the ex that is a friend, but as long as we have to live together we have to get along for the kids. And the thought of either one of us hating the other is unbearable to me, and I imagine her as well.

[Wakeup]

I'm a woman. (I'm not sure why one's gender doesn't show on the info side of one's posts)

The thing is, I still love her, and I believe there's still something there. I feel that she's moved back close enough now that she might be open to my romancing of her, rekindling the fire. That's why I thought about the notes. I don't want to cave all of the way, but I also want to be the one that provides that "in love" high that she so desperately craves.

You must be certain that she is open to you romancing her and the only way that you can be sure of that is to ask her to remain sexually and emotionally exclusive with you while you court her. If you are trying while she is flirting and priming to be with other men then you are just opening yourself up to more hurt and disappointment.

If she has no money or a means to look after herself then what does she think she's going to be bringing to the table of any man she meets besides her vagina? She will be used and disillusioned and you'll be her fall back guy. Don't let that happen.


I know you're going to do what makes YOU feel like you're at least doing something. Do what you must but don't do it for naught.

These are some very real things that you need to consider in your gallantry towards your confused wife and your innocent children. Perhaps instead of flying on a hope and prayer, you should think a little more rationally and logically about what she's trying to do to you and your family. Letting her live there and pretend to the children while she meets and has sexual relationships with other men will slowly kill your joy and your children will know, without a doubt that you two are not happy campers.

If you want to win her back then you need her to co-operate with that goal. Seeing other men is not co-operating. Just because she's not yet playing the field doesn't mean she won't soon be doing it if she has the freedom of this half-assed separation to do what she pleases.

[NewLeaf]

Well she's not having sex with anyone. She is confused trying to figure things out. She says she doesn't want to just have sex, if anything she'd be open to being swept away by "love".

She told me the other day that she's having doubts and uneasiness about what she's doing. There's a Band of Horses song, "No one's gonna love you more than I do" that I have for my ringer, and she says it bothers her every time the phone rings, because she's worried that this is the case with us. By the time she realizes it, I'm going to be on to someone new, perhaps better suited to me. Over the past couple of days I've seen a warming, and a certain quest for attention, where as weeks ago she ran away from any attention from me. I don't think she's interested in this guy anymore and sense that he's become more of a nuisance than anything. He's not a physical threat, he lives far far away and she's told me part of the reason she carried on with it is because it was safe and "not real".

I was a wreck at first. I tried to stay away, but couldn't and I couldn't keep my emotions to myself. I'm a bleeding heart. I've managed to maintain my composure now. I've not told her anymore that I want her, I show it in my actions I guess, but I've even dodged the subject of my interest in it when she brings it up (she says she doesn't want to). I've made a point to show her that I'm not happy about the situation, but I'm not going to let it keep me from exploring options if I so choose to do so, which I guess is true. If I'm powerless with this situation, I know I can't let it get me down. One way or another I need to take care of myself.

Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I swear I see a hint of that feeling in her eyes. I keep wrestling with what I could possibly do to try to help her snap out of it. This period in her life is a new beginning for her in many ways which is good for her, but she's associated me with a less new life where she was not that happy. I've considered just simple notes to try to bring her back to our heyday so she can remember how good we can be. I've thought about just taking it (assertiveness has never been one of my strong points), grabbing her and kissing her passionately. Or kicking her out and let us both deal with the extra burden of bills and child juggling. I know she doesn't do well with ultimatums, she's extremely stubborn. She has to come to a decision by herself or else she will be defiant, which would not be good. I'm just kind of lost on this.

[Wakeup]

There was most definately a time in your lives, when your relationship with one another was new and exciting and passionate and full of hope. It is that state that you both need to strive for once again... to get back to basics before the kids came along and your priorties switched from being each other to everything but one another.


A well timed passionate and spontaneous kiss is far more exciting than you spilling your guts to me would ever be thus making it about US rather than you and your feelings... However; you know your wife better than I.

Time alone without the children, spontaneous outings, sexy weekends away, romantic one on one dinners (even at the local sports bar) all help to rekindle what you both once enjoyed with one another. Illicit your or her's mother/father to take the kids for a mid-week alone or a week end away if you can afford it. Even if it's just one night in a cheap hotel. All good in helping to reconnect emotionally and passionately. She sounds sick of the routine and is missing the passionate connection you once enjoyed.

[NewLeaf]

Extremely sick of routine.

Since the kids came around, she's put on a lot of weight. I never had a problem with it, I loved her for who she was and she was still beautiful to me. But she got into this mode of eating out of boredom and depression. She's since told me that she thinks she ate so she would stay still and so she wouldn't leave me. She's exercising a lot now and looking fine (which really sucks the thought of someone else being with her, call me petty) she feels physically healthy and feels like she can't sit still, she has to keep moving and growing. She associates me with getting fat and watching tv, something we did because we were stuck at home with the kids and too broke to go anywhere. I don't think it helped that I fell for some other girl, I think it really hit her self esteem. She's since said that she feels that I never pushed her to reach her potential, I just accepted things that may have been less desirable.

My mom is the only person that ever watches the kids and my wife hates her. Neither one of us completely trust her judgement. Recently I've been firmer with my mom, something that I think my wife has taken note of (she used to have to be the one that did that).

I feel that there are so many things that can work in my/our favor but she's so unpredictable that I'm worried I'll push her away again. Maybe I ought to give the taking it option a little more thought, it's risky as hell but it might just be enough of a shock to excite her and regain her interest.

[bulrush]

She's going through something that has nothing to do with you.

I think Wakeup is right. It seems that your wife is doing NOTHING to improve the relationship, leaving all the work for you. There is a sizable portion of women who believe that one does not have to work to keep the "good feelings" or "loving feelings" going. So when those feelings fade, they give up and file for divorce, or have an affair. I've seen this issue over and over on various relationship forums.

she's says though that she's no longer "in love" with me. She says she wants that fire and doesn't see feeling it for me any more, she's ready to open herself to the possibility of falling in love with somebody else.

Love takes work, it just doesn't happen by itself. If you want love and excitement, you have to DO something, take action. Not just sit on your a$$.

I've been worried this whole time because she's shown interest in and has been flirting with an old friend of hers; he's been chasing her very aggressively.

I would assume they have had some sort of emotional or physical affair already.

I want to woo her back. Lift her off her feet once again. I'm trying to figure out how exactly to do that.

Why should YOU do all the work? And why would you stay with someone who expects you to do all the work. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and only one to screw it up.

So, how's the sex life? Does she want more excitement in that area? What exactly does she want? Does she even know what she wants? Just because you spent 20 years of your life with someone, is not a good reason to stay with them. A partner should ADD to your life, not drag you down.

I don't think it helped that I fell for some other girl, I think it really hit her self esteem.

I just saw this. Yeah, this probably hurt her, but she has to deal with it and get over it. You can help her, but the job starts with her. I thought your wife was just being wishy washy, so I came off as a bit harsh, but now I see this is a real reason for her to feel down, bored, ho hum.

[NewLeaf]

Like I said, I'm not innocent in this. We fell out of sync with each other, and we've been struggling for 5 years to keep it together. We're both at fault, but I have to think it means something that we fought so hard to stay together and we still love each other. This whole ordeal there has not been one raised voice and nobody has said anything that you can't take back.

I think now that I stand to lose her (or I have lost her) that I know what I have to do to get us back to what we used to be, I'm just having a little trouble trying to figure out where to start.

This other guy drove me crazy, and I suspected that there was more than she was letting on with it. He's a side note though, it isn't about him, it's her. I worried that she'd developed some sort of emotional connection, I think she was holding back high school starry eyes for him, and she loved the attention. She's told me herself that this new attention just feels empty now, and she's distanced herself from him, all the while moving a little closer to me. I've never been worried that she would end up with this guy for a long time, at worst I figured he'd be a rebound thing. It's just the thought of the whole thing drove me nuts.

As far as our sex life?After the first kid, it dwindled. I still wanted, but felt that she didn't, and when she did, I felt that I had no right to bother her with it. So when we did have sex, it was usually intense but it became such a rarity due to all the distractions that come with working all of the time and having kids. This is a horrible shame because we both are extremely sexual, and sexually adventurous. We just could never get past the handshake (so to speak) to explore our adventurous sides.

I realize that I can't be responsible for all of the work, but I feel that if this is what I really want it is my job to convince her that we can be great again. Even better than we used to be, because we now know more than we used to. If I don't give her my all right now, I will regret not doing more.

Telling everything here might make her sound a little wishy washy, but I wouldn't exactly say this. She's figuring things out, and she's been forward with things when she finally feels she's figured them out. Like I said, I own a lot in our failing, I can't blame her in her actions, I understand them, but I truly believe we can work together and move past the things we regret from our history.

I don't know. I really do want to just spring a kiss on her lips out of nowhere, the more I think of it, the more I think it might shake things up. But then again, that's not my nature (so I'll really have to pump myself up for it), and I could see it backfiring horribly.