Feeling stuck and confused

[Hippidy]

I'm brand new to the forum and I hope you guys can offer some advice. I'm not sure where to turn or what to do.

I recently moved in with my boyfriend (and his brother) because it was convenient while we went to the same university. I guess I'm feeling resentful because he is such a slob. We have been together for 4 years this January. I have the option to move out in August when my friend transfers but I'm not sure what to do. He keeps saying he will change and I'm just waiting for him to grow up but I feel like he's only doing it for me and not because he's actually grown up. If I don't prompt him to clean up after himself he wont do it at all. No one tells me to do things and I still get everything done, I feel like I shouldn't have to say anything.

Besides the cleaning issues I feel like I'm last on his list all the time. He never wants to go out and do anything unless I make the plans. He always goes over to our friends to play video games which I'm not into so I choose to stay home. If I go with and ask to do something we can all do he's usually the most resistant even though he has his Sunday night gaming club. I feel like he makes time for everything but me even though we live together. I have to ask him to watch TV with me most of the time. He wonders why I don't kiss him very often but I wonder why he never makes time for me. How can I feel the want to kiss some one when I don't feel wanted or good about the relationship?

I guess I feel stuck. If I made a decision about us, or moving out, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it until June at the earliest. I want to do something to help our relationship or at least try to make things better in the time before that. I've tried talking about it and he's very receptive but I feel like nothing changes. He says he understands and he'll try to change but it doesn't seem to happen. I want to be less up tight and not get so flustered by the things he does that annoy me but I don't know how to let it go. I feel like our relationship is ending and I'm not sure what to do.

[Dune]

He is taking you for granted.

Sit him down and talk about it seriously, with the main goal of achieving something. Give him a target, and make sure he follows through.

Having said that, it also sounds as if things between you and him are dying down. Maybe it weren't suppose to work out? Give it some thought. Maybe he needs time to grow up. But it could be A LOT of time. I understand how you feel not wanting to mommy him all the time. So, if you feel that nothing can be done, maybe you'll have to find someone who gives you more attention.

[bulrush]

You can do one of these:

1. Accept your boyfriend is a slob and stay with him. And do all cleaning yourself.
2. Have a serious talk to him. Set very specific goals of what cleaning he has to do each week.
3. Find another boyfriend.

For setting goals I suggest he do these once a week:

1. Clean bathroom: toilet, sink and shower.
2. Pick up all his clothes, and do laundry, yours and his.

Just take baby steps with him. This is enough to get him started. If he can't even do basic stuff, he is pretty immature and he probably will not change in the next 20 years. There were plenty of guys and girls at college who had no clue how to do laundry. So they would take their dirty clothes home once a month. That means they were wearing dirty clothes for 3 weeks out of 4.

And if he doesn't meet these very simple goals, what will you do? Be prepared to do something before you talk to him. Hope he grows up a bit, but be prepared that he won't follow through. One thing about immaturity is people don't follow through.

As far as him not making plans with you, that is understandable. As a guy I get tired of doing all the work and making all the plans. I want my gf to do that sometimes, roughly half the time. Set a goal of him making plans with you for once or twice a week, 1-2 hours each time, where it's just you two alone, talking, going shopping, seeing a movie, taking a walk, or something where you two can talk. Doing homework together or playing video games is not what I had in mind, but if it works for you, do it, but be careful not to make these things a habit. Do things where you INTERACT.

[devonbrown]

As for him being messy, there is not a lot you can do about that. But you shouldn't have to mother him. Don't tell him what to you or suggest he does it. Just let him know, flat out, that you aren't happy with the way things are. Tell him that you feel your relationship is ending, and you don't want it to, but that you feel like the only one that is putting in effort. To him, moving in together might be a giant step and he may feel that he can sort of relax a little when it comes to wooing you. Let him know that you need more from him and that you are willing to try to be better for him as well.

Have the conversation one time, in a calm and rational manner, and let him know that if things don't change you are gone. And make plans for things to get better. Don't leave it open ended or vague.

Good luck.

[Hippidy]

I talked to him the night I posted. We have had the cleaning and picking up after yourself talk way more times than I am ok with. I told him flat out if he doesn't start doing it himself (and I wont do it for him) that I am moving out next school year. Some days he's good about it some days he isn't. We tend to take one step forward then 10 steps back. As far as him not wooing me any more that's what I talked to him about the other night. He has made effort since then but it's the obvious things like planning a date and not the more important things like holding my hand or opening the car door or even telling me I look pretty (when I dressed up, broke out the heals, and put on make up which is rare). He used to do these things and when we talked I asked if he could say what's on his mind more often, tell me I look pretty or I'm being cute. Now I feel like he just doesn't think those things because that hasn't changed at all.

When we went on our date we goofed around and laughed had fun, but it wasn't like a date so much as us hanging out. He makes it feel like we're just friends and that bothers me most. I want to give this time to see if he will step up and if we can fix things. I pretty much know things are over even though I want to try to fix it. I talked to my mom about it and she helped me realize what I guess I knew. I have until summer before I can move out so in the next few months we will see what happens. I don't think he will grow up with me around so I feel like I have no choice but to leave. I already made plans to move out for next year, even if things get better. I don't like feeling stuck and I will not feel that way again. I wish I could break it off and we could just be friends, which is what I feel like we are now, but I know he will take it super hard and it might break him.

This is my first 4 year relationship and I'm comfortable. I'm realizing that isn't good enough. I'm becoming more and more unsatisfied with him as the days go on. I want to feel like I have a boyfriend not a friend. I want to have the want to kiss him not feel like I have to. I want him to do things on his own without us having a talk 50 times about it and still nothing changing. I will tell him after Thanksgiving break that I plan to move out. I know he will take it hard but I hope it's a wake up call. I threatened to do it and now I am. I wish I had more time to decide but I don't, we need to renew the lease...

Sorry this is so long. Thank you guys for the opinions. I just like to know that I'm not crazy and that I don't have some unrealistic hopes. I wish he would just do what I need him to but it's not happening.

[jil]

i might b having the same kind of situation,,and probably the same solution in next few years!!