Boyfriend wants to end our relationship but doesn't know if it's the right solution..

[Muse87]

Hello,

I need some help understanding something...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months now. He lost his father 2 weeks after we started to date.
He feels bad, and he's also very busy, he's a musician and spends a lot of time in his studio making music with his friends.
I told him via several phone messages that It made me feel bad...that the fact that he didn't have enough time for me hurt me a lot even if he does his best to find some free time. This we he told his musician friends wether he could join them later at the studio so he can spend some time with me just before....but It still makes me feel sad and I kind of suffer from not seeing him as much as I would. We don't live in the same town so we can only see each other on we.
So after trying to reach him (4 messages no success...), I finally sent him a mail on fb asking him if he had received my messages, to which he replied he has. He then told me that he utterly understood everything I wrote but he juste isn't capable to keep a stable normal relationship. The way he feels and his timetable can't let him have a relationship. So he told me that "maybe It would be better to stop here. He said that he didn't know if it was the right solution but It is a solution..." how should I understand this last sentence?
Is he regretting it already? Did he feel "obliged" to stop everything so as to make me stop suffering by always waiting for him...?
(He will call me on thursday)

Thanks for your help...

[searock]

Talk to him (call him if you can't talk to him face to face), ask him what he means and wants. Before you call him, answer this question (to yourself): would you be willing to keep this relationship going exactly the way it is now, if the alternative were to stop the relationship entirely?

[oldskool83]

it seems as if hes too busy for you. I dont see things getting better, no being able to spend time together is a major part of the relationship thing and if sum1 cant offer it they shouldnt be in one. I think he realizes this now....also best time to dumb sum1 is before the holiday...sorry but its totaly true.

[Muse87]

LoL thans for the comments but in our relationship the holiday isn't the problem at all. I don't like gifts. So it has nothing to do with that. I know him well enough to know that it's far from the real reason why he's breaking up.

[searock]

Holidays are when you are more likely to meet new people and "have fun".

Did you read my comment, what do you think?

[Muse87]

Yes I read it, thanks. He will call me on thursday.
Ummm..I think I would be willing to keep this relationship because he's actually very busy and will be untill the end of the year. He has 2 albums to make...But then Afterwards he will have more free time.
I really doubt he'd want to have fun. He just lost his father. We already had this conversation about our relationship and wanted me to understand him and make sure I would be able to live this relation like this for the moment until he gets better, while he doesn't have enough time, until next year. Also he told me that It would have been the exact same thing If he was with a different girl.

[searock]

Ok, then if you still want to keep the relationship going, just tell him that you are ok with the way things currently are, that you understand him and are willing to wait for him (basically what you wrote above).
He only brought up the issue of breaking up after you told him how much it hurt you to not be together more often, right? It's possible that he just doesn't have the emotional strength to deal with your hurt as well as his own. I don't think that he wants to break up per se, he just has a lot on his mind and heart right now and cannot put himself entirely into this relationship. If you know that you are able, and willing, to wait for him, let him know as well. But don't make him feel guilty or sad later on, by telling him that you are hurting. Either you accept the way things are, or you don't, he's made it pretty clear that for the time being he can't offer anything more.

[Cerby]

So he told me that "maybe It would be better to stop here. He said that he didn't know if it was the right solution but It is a solution..." how should I understand this last sentence?

Oh dear, did no one get the meaning of this sentence? He's giving you the option to mutually break up with him before he flat out dumps you. Its quite clear you want a lot of his time and he simply isn't willing or able to meet that need. He wants out, is telling you that, and giving you the option to agree to end it before he dumps you.

If you have to work this hard only 5 months in, this aren't going to get any easier - you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not where you are now.

[luvleegirl]

It sounds like he's trying to make excuses not to see you for some reason. Don't let him string you along this way. The more you whine, the more you will push him away. Men do what they want. Let him be for a while and give him his space. Maybe he will realize he misses you or maybe he won't. He's already told you straight up how it's going to be. If you are fine with that, then by all means keep it up... But WHY torture yourself like that? That's obviously not what you want. Are you desperate?
Find someone who makes an effort to be with you and let this one go- Excuses like that are a major red flag.

[Muse87]

Thank you for your advice. I will tell him about it. Even though I know i will "suffer" until he ll have more free time, i don't want to end this relationshio. I know he isn't able to entirely love me for the moment as you mentionned but i'll deal with it.
Yes he brought up the issue juste after i told him how hurtful his lack of free time was. I think you re right he may not have the emotional strengh to deal with my hurt for the time being but does it have anything to do with his feelings? I mean, does it mean he s not in love? :-(

[Cerby]

Thank you for your advice. I will tell him about it. Even though I know i will "suffer" until he ll have more free time, i don't want to end this relationshio. I know he isn't able to entirely love me for the moment as you mentionned but i'll deal with it.
Yes he brought up the issue juste after i told him how hurtful his lack of free time was. I think you re right he may not have the emotional strengh to deal with my hurt for the time being but does it have anything to do with his feelings? I mean, does it mean he s not in love? :-(

You're spinning words and hearing what you want to hear. He isn't magically going to get any more free time, and this is going to be a continuing source of strain. Please keep us updated on how things go, but if I were a betting man (and I am) I think this will be over within the week.

[searock]

We have too little info to tell whether he's in love with your or not. He isn't dedicating a lot of his time to you, but that might be because of the emotional stress he's going through (with his father passing away). You have to trust your gut feeling here. Do you feel that he is not in love with you? When you see each other, does he treat you like a loving boyfriend, or is he cold/detached?

[Muse87]

when we are together he is very lovely, he s always very close, he really treats me like a loving boyfriend and plans weekend elsewhere with me...
I feel He s very serious with me. He always holds my hands and kisses them....He often tells me he wishes i could stay longer with him...he abandons his friends to see me as much as he can. The reason why he doesn t have enough free time is not because he spends too much time with his friends but in his studio working.

Also, he has already ran to the train station twice to see me go, like juste for 5 minutes because he missed me and we had not had the time to see me during these we...

[Muse87]

I have to add that we don't live in th same town. i m in my last year of studies and in march 2012 i will go to his town for my training period so we could see each other more often

[searock]

Then if he treats you so well when you are together, I think it's just that he is going through a lot and hasn't got the emotional strength to deal with other problems as well. He probably needs a safe place, someone he can always turn to no matter what, right now. If you can accept this situation and wait until he feels better, talk with him about it and see how it goes. But remember to not bring up the fact that you're hurting again, if you decide to keep the relationship going. Keep us updated : )