Boyfriend wants to end our relationship but doesn't know if it's the right solution..

[Leona77]

I finally sent him a mail on fb asking him if he had received my messages, to which he replied he has. He then told me that he utterly understood everything I wrote but he juste isn't capable to keep a stable normal relationship. The way he feels and his timetable can't let him have a relationship. So he told me that "maybe It would be better to stop here. He said that he didn't know if it was the right solution but It is a solution..."

So he actually told you that it's not only because of the death of his father, but because of his timetable? I'm sorry, but I'll have to agree with Cerby on this one. He is not capable of dumping you bravely,so he is giving you hints. Even worse, he is making you think that it's because it'll be easier for both of you. I read about the gestures, but I'm afraid I know of people who do the exact same stuff, but are not interested in a serious, stable relationship.
I would like to be wrong, so please do keep us posted

[oldskool83]

hes giving you nuff info to make you break up with him so he dont have to do and look bad. peace the man, its nothing but excuses i read.

[Muse87]

Hello I'm back
Sorry for my lateness :-s
I don't think he's doing everything to make me break up with him because I have already asked him that If he wanted to break up, then we'd do it. It was more than offering my hand, all he would have had to say was "yes ok let's break up".
And he didn't.

[Muse87]

When he says he's very busy he is.
I live in Dijon, he lives in Paris so we're in a distant relationship. Therefore we can only see each other on weekends. He works as a manager during the day and as a musician during the night (every week and almost every night). He rarely sees his friends and rarely sleeps either, which is why on weekends he does his best to see his friends and I when I come to Paris. He told me that he feels bad when I have to wait for him (he s not organized at all) and would rather that his friends undergo It instead of me. What I'm trying to say is that before we see each other, I always try to plan the time we'll spend together. The problem is that he always has extraordinary troubles and believe me it's true. I have the proof when he's with me because he acts the exact same way with his friends and he's also always late when he has to meet them.

For instance, last time we had to see each other on sunday so on saturday he asks me wether we can meet over noon, so I answered back saying yes but at what time exactly and where? He had troubles and only answered me the next day...What I mean here is that There is absolutely no reason he wouldn't have answered me the day before, I mean no reason related to a break up, the fact that he doesn't care about me.
He explained the trouble he got in after.

[Muse87]

I m going to entirely translate the last mails he sent me...after I tried to reach him with 4 messages but no replies:

"Yes, messages received!..But I ended really late yesterday and carried on with a crazy day today so I didn't have time to slow down..

I entirely understand what you say.I am just unable to manage a normal relashionship. I understand it disturbs you. It bothers me too. But I can't do anything about it.
I don't want to make you wait, and even less to make you suffer, so maybe It would be better that we stop here. I don't know If It's the right solution (I don't have time to develop, I am still at work.. :'( ) but it's a solution..Tonight at 21 I will be working at the studio rehearsing so I won't be available..I hope tomorrow I will have some more free time but I m not even sure...

I keep you updated. I don't really know what to say by phone messages or fb so I wont write more, do not construe my comments, It worths a much more ample discussion.

Big kisses dispite everything.. :-)


We already had a discussion about it. One day when I was feeling bad, i called him and He told me that he was feeling too bad regarding his father, that he didn't care about life anymore and could manage a relationship. I told him I understood but was disappointed, to which he replied he was the first to be disappointed.
But then we finally got back together.

And now this is happening again. Maybe we should stop for good now while he feels better and then after, when he'll be better and have more free time we could "start all over" again? And I believe he will have more free time because he plans to quit his job at the beginning of next year so as to devote himself to music. Also I will be living in Paris for my studies...

[Muse87]

So when He sent me this mail, It was at the end of an afternoon. I didn't anwswer and the next day, in the morning, he sent me another mail:

Okay, It was stupid to answer you here (on fb), I was in a hurry but I should have taken more time to explain to you...anyway, on thursday if you re available I can call you to talk about it if you want.

Have a nice day.

You know, I had not replied the day before and he knows me as replying very soon when something's wrong in our couple so he must have been surprised and worried...Do you think he was scared not to have any answer which is why he immediately sent me a new mail the next day all ther more so since he started it with "Okay it was stupid to answer you here"? Wasn't he scared he was loosing me? :-(

[searock]

Is there no way you can talk to him on the phone at least?

[Muse87]

When he said He wouldn't be available at 21h he was talking about discussing on the phone (because I had proposed him) so he then proposed to call me on thursday but couldn't because he was still at work and had a very bad day. Therefore he told me he prefered not to have me on the phone because he was angry(because of his work and i know everything's not going well) . So he proposed me the next day, (yesterday) but he hasn't phoned me. I sent him a message asking him at what time he could call me but no answer.

[Muse87]

He is full of contradictions. I know It's not the first time this happens. And this hurts me. He rarely does what he says and I know it's not only specific to me because he acts the same way with his friends. But It hurts me so much. It makes me feel cheap, as if he didn't care at all about me though he insists by saying the opposite and if it was the case, he would have told me goodbye since a very long time.

[searock]

He can't even find the time to text you? At this point, regardless of the reason, I think you should be quite fed up with this. He clearly isn't in the place to have a relationship right now, because of various reasons that may or may not include him not being in love with you. Perhaps it would be better to end things, and then if things get better for him maybe start over after christmas, once you live in the same town? Right now he is only causing you stress and feeling of rejection/cheapness. Right now, you are better off without him. You could focus on yourself and feeling better, you could date other guys or just have fun. Then if you are meant to be together, you will eventually find each other again.

[Muse87]

It has nothing to do with wether he has the time to text me or not. When I say that he has reasonable reasons not to text me, I know I m right...
One he lost his phone so he couldn't text me. Once he had no more battery so he couldn't call me or text me back and didn't have my phone number elsewhere. Once the codes of his building's door had changed, he hadn't been informed so his phone had no more battery and he couldn't charge it. This time I don'y know what happened. And I know he doesn't lie. I know him well enough to say he doesn't.

When I had him on the phone last time when we decided to pause, because he was felling bad, I asked him if he had feelings for me and he answered yes. He said it had nothing to do with me but he was juste feeling really bad and couldn't manage a relationship for the moment. Also, he said it would have been the exact same thing if it was with another girl.

To be very honest, after 5 months of relationship, if he didn't have any feelings for me, he wouls have already left me since a long time...

I think you're right, I should move on for the moment, I'll stop when he'll send me a message. We ll try to talk on the phone.
Bue here is the problme, I do not doubt about his feelings, ans neither does he. He told me. But the problem is just that despite of all the good reasons he gives me for not answering me, the consequences remain the same...I wait, feel bad until he gives me a sign.

Believe me, when he doesn't answer, he really can't for what happened (I mentionned above). Several times he told me he was disgusted that he had lost his phone etc because It ruined our weekend...

[Muse87]

2 weeks ago when we saw each other, we hadn't seen since a month...so when we found each other back he said that he would have prefered to be an accountant. I asked him why and he answered because He has no more social life...At least when you're an accountant, you have spare time. Then he added saying that he was missing me lately...

He was kind of "joking" when he talked about being an accountant but here it is: He really has few spare time. I know guys can invent and say they're too busy, I knew one. And they can use it as an excuse but it really isn't the case with him.

[searock]

Ok, so there are many reasons for you not to manage to get together or communicate more often. At this point it doesn't really matter what those reasons are, since you are clearly not happy with the relationship. Try taking some time for yourself and if it's meant to be, you will eventually get together when it all gets better.

[Muse87]

He is very forgetful, untidy.He already told me several times he would love to spend a weekend with me near the ocean, or go to another country with me but we never did because he doesn't have the time and I know he doesn't play with me. Because he also told friends he would go and visit them in Argentina and spain and never did, lack of time...

Yes that's what I see too. Whatever the reasons are, lies or not, I always end up feeling unhappy and bad. But I need an advice, I don't want to manipulate him but what if I tell him on the phone (when he'll call me) that I wouldn't be able to see him again until he'd be able to "respect" me even though he has never been disrecpectful deliberately over me? What I mean here is for instance, being on time when we see each other...
He told me that after a month of non seeing each other he missed me, so he'll inevitably miss me too in a month and maybe he'd say to himself "I want to see her again, I miss her, I ll try to do my best to be irreproachable" ?

[Leona77]

I don't think he's doing everything to make me break up with him because I have already asked him that If he wanted to break up, then we'd do it. It was more than offering my hand, all he would have had to say was "yes ok let's break up".

No, he would not, because it would mean that it's his decision to break -up and he would be the one to blame. You said that IF HE WANTED TO BREAK UP, you'd agree which is quite different to you initiatiing the break-up! Can't you see that?

Yes, messages received!..But I ended really late yesterday and carried on with a crazy day today so I didn't have time to slow down..

I entirely understand what you say.I am just unable to manage a normal relashionship. I understand it disturbs you. It bothers me too. But I can't do anything about it.
I don't want to make you wait, and even less to make you suffer, so maybe It would be better that we stop here. I don't know If It's the right solution (I don't have time to develop, I am still at work.. :'( ) but it's a solution..Tonight at 21 I will be working at the studio rehearsing so I won't be available..I hope tomorrow I will have some more free time but I m not even sure...

I keep you updated. I don't really know what to say by phone messages or fb so I wont write more, do not construe my comments, It worths a much more ample discussion.

Big kisses dispite everything.. :-)

This whole e-mail smells of '' I feel guilty if I break-up with you & I don't have the balls to do it, so please,please already get fed-up with me so that I don't end up being the bad guy''
At least that's what it communicates to me.Without having feelings for him, I can clearly see the meaning behind the excuses. Beign ''busy'' and ''not ready for relationship'' are the most common ways to string somebody along until one makes up their mind or string them along until they are dumped!
Do you really want to be in either of these two categories?