My boyfriend still sleeps with his mom... Why?!

[prettyinpinkkk]

My boyfriend of 3 years is 28 years old and still shares a bed with his mother. I found out about a year into our relationship. One night his mom let it slip out that he sometimes sleeps with her and is a momma's boy. It was a very awkward moment for me and I felt like running the second I heard that. They live in a 3 bedroom house, and he has his own bedroom, so I just don't understand the reasoning for this. But at the same time, it could be because the family is so dysfunctional. My boyfriend has a father but he is married to another woman, so my boyfriends mom is basically "the other woman". His father comes over their house for a few hours every night and then goes back to his home. I believe his father is only still married to his wife for financial reasons. My boyfriend was also raped as a child by a family member. Yes I know the whole thing sounds like a crazy soap opera. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still around, and why I didn't run away from this relationship years ago. I believe all of this craziness could be the reason my boyfriend sleeps with his mom. This whole situation really bothers me and sometimes I really do feel like getting up and leaving. I have discussed how I feel about this with my boyfriend many times and he used to tell me there's nothing wrong with it because he loves his mom. Other times he would tell me his mom made him sleep with her. Recently when I ask him if he's still doing it he tells me he isn't. However, I don't really believe this because sometimes I will go to his house and he has no sheets on his bed. The whole thing really bothers me, but I almost feel stuck. Also, this is NOT a cultural thing because we are both of Hispanic decent and I do not sleep with my parents. I love him and I don't want to judge him on his situation but I just don't feel like this is normal and I worry about my future with him... He says he wants to move out one day, get married, and have a family with me... but sometimes I just don't know. I feel so STUCK sometimes. Do I stay in the relationship or do I go? Any advice?

[Cerby]

If you're bothered, then leave. Honestly, I wouldn't stick around for this, the guy clearly needs some kind of therapy to resolve his issues, and he hasn't pursued it.

[Wakeup]

I guess he hasn't pursued it because he totally believes that there is nothing wrong with it. Does he know that you think it's not right and that it could very well be a deal breaker for you?

I know one thing. If you do stick with him and have children... do not keep the baby in bed with the two of you, let him/her have his own crib and then bed and for goodness sake, make sure he is clear on the fact that he will not be sleeping with any of his children in their bed either. You need to break the cycle, not enable it to be perpetuated generation to generation.

If he's a good partner in every other way but for this unorthodox behaviour then perhaps you can encourage him to seek counceling. If he won't go then I'd end it. If he's never had counceling for the child sexual abuse then again, I'd end it. One cannot come to terms and be done with that sort of thing without the help of a professional to guide them through it. JMO.

[sadie_genie]

He needs therapy. This is very wrong.

[prettyinpinkkk]

He did have therapy as a kid for the sexual child abuse and he was on medication for depression but he told me he eventually stopped taking meds and stopped therapy because he felt better. I really don't think stopping therapy was a good idea because I feel like he still could use it. I suggested him and his mother should both go due to all of the familys issues but when I mention this the fights and arguments begin. He gets offended but honestly it's the truth. I don't want to judge anyone's situations but I feel like the longer I stay, the harder it will be to get out.

[prettyinpinkkk]

I'm pretty sure I would probably find out somewhere along the line. Because there have been many times where I've gone to his house and I've seen no sheets in his bedroom. Also, one night we were on the phone and I heard his mom knocking on his door asking him if he was going to sleep in her bed. The whole thing is so strange and weird I know! I can't even believe I've been dealing with this for 3 years... I'm so embarassed about this situaion and I've often cried about this. I feel like such an idiot really. And sometimes I think I'm the one who needs to seek therapy.

[upandaway]

Do some research on "covert incest" its an emotional form of incest, where the parent uses the child to get the emotional love and support like they would get from a spouse. Almost sounds like what could be going on here.

[prettyinpinkkk]

I looked up covert incest and I really am thinking this could be going on. He has been sleeping in her bed his whole life, due to the fact that his father only comes over their house for a few hours and then heads back home to his real wife. Also, my boyfriend has told me that his brothers have told his mother that she needs to stop treating him like her husband because he needs a life one day too. She really does treat him like her husband... she makes him cook, clean, buy groceries, wash her clothes, and she calls him atleast 3 times a day. She also goes in the bathroom when he's showering or on the toilet, and he does the same while she's in the bathroom. It just seems like they have no boundaries.

[smackie9]

Omg ewwwwww!