He can't get over his ex :(

[searock]

My boyfriend and I are both 22. We've been best friends for 3 years and have been dating for 5 months. He was in a long distance relationship with another girl before going out with me, they were together for 4 years and a half, but they rarely ever saw each other during the last couple of years (before dating me, that is: now they don't see each other at all) and things had been rough between them for a long time. I was also in a relationship with another guy before dating my best friend, it was a long term relationship of 2 years and a half.

The problem is that, while I have gotten 95% over my ex and am 100% in love with my current bf, he still has trouble "forgetting" about her, and is therefore "unsure" whether he is in love with me or not (he takes this term VERY seriously, as I do). Our mistake was to start dating as soon as he broke up with her. I told him it would have been better to wait, to give him time to process the break up (I broke up with my ex a month earlier and therefore had some time to elaborate), but he insisted we dated straight away.

He used to get "cold and distant" moments a lot during our first period as a couple, because he was struggling with the baggage of his previous relationship, but I was very patient and as months went by we got closer and closer. Now he doesn't think about her half as often as he used to, but I can tell (and he didn't deny it when I asked him) that she is still in his heart. Somewhere deep down, he still believes that there will be a happy ending for the two of them.

Clearly it breaks my heart, because I am deeply in love with him and I strongly believe in our relationship. I can see myself growing old with this guy. We have had many conversations about this situation, which is causing a lot of pain to the both of us. He feels guilty because he sees how much I'm hurting because of his indecisiveness, and because sometimes he wonders whether he did the right thing in breaking up with her (this happens more and more rarely as time goes by but it still hurts like hell, the both of us).

It's gotten to the point that he has decided to get a counseling session next week. We are both hoping that things will get better, because when he isn't submerged by memories and guilt, we have the best times together. He says that if it weren't for this problem (that he's having so much trouble getting entirely over his ex), ours would be a healthy, loving, deep relationship: the one that we both want with each other (and that we actually already have, when he isn't thinking about the past). But for me it just gets more and more difficult to keep believing in "us", since sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that does.

What do you think, does this relationship have a chance? Thank you for reading.

[edit] I should probably add that him and I have been having an emotional affair for over an year before we finally started dating each other. We didn't do anything before that because we both cared for our partners a lot, felt too guilty, etc. It was a mistake to wait so long, I know, but that's how it went.

[Wakeup]

Why not wait and see how the counceling goes before worrying whether or not the relationship has a chance? Personally, I'd not compete with this girls memory for a moment longer. You've stuck beside him while he's clung to her and to her bullshit treatment and through him putting the memory of her on a pedestal. This situation has been going on with you two for far too long. In my way of thinking, He should be able to forget about her by now particularily because he's with you now. I suspect he's still in contact with her or he would be well over her by now. It sounds as if he's with you out of guilt and fear of being alone.

You have more patience than I do, obviously and you've been patient this long so keep on keeping on if you don't have the strength to leave, see how he makes out in therapy.

You might consider your own therapy sessions as well to help you to understand why you have all that patience for someone who can't make up his mind.

Hugs, Sea.
Sorry I'm not more optimistic for you.

[searock]

Thank you Wakeup.

Apart from him being still in contact with her (I know for sure that he isn't. He is very nostalgic and guilt-ridden over lots of other things as well, this is also why he's going to get counseling), everything you've said is true. I should probably get therapy as well because I've been waiting for him FAR too long. It's like I'm hanging on his decisions, but he never manages to make up his mind, so all I do is wait for something that never comes. I'm just completely head over heels for him, and when things are good they're GREAT, otherwise I wouldn't put up with any of this - hell I wouldn't even have started dating him (I knew him well already so I knew what I was getting into).

The reason why it's so difficult for me to leave him, apart from the fact that I'm so helplessly in love with him and that neither of us wants to break up, is that because of external factors there is no way we could go no contact. We'd have to see each other every day except weekends, also we have the same friends. And we've been best friends for so long, it would really be devastating to break up. I guess I'll just wait to see how the his counseling goes, keep hoping for the best for as long as I can.

[searock]

*bump* Any other opinion?

[KingZ]

No.​​​​​​​

[searock]

Ok then, if anybody has another opinion don't be shy, I could really use some help . Thanks!

[searock]

Update: the first counseling session went OK, everything is much more relaxed now. I have the strong feeling and am convinced that he just needed someone to tell him that it will be alright, that he is not still in love with his ex. Even just the fact that his therapist did NOT tell him "OMG what are you doing, you are clearly still in love with your ex" calmed him down A LOT. Which is kind of eh. I wish he knew himself well enough to not need somebody else to tell him (or imply to him, whatever) how he feels. He is always afraid of not understanding himself, and of messing things up because of this, of "doing something wrong and regretting it later". And guess what? He ends up messing things up because he is afraid to mess things up! His therapist actually told him a lot of the things that I have been telling him for a long time. For example, his guilt issues: he is convinced that everything bad that happens and that is somehow related to him is his fault, even when it clearly isn't. Kind of an omnipotent complex or something. I think it would do him heaps of good to keep the therapy going, but he doesn't want to because of the cost and because he doesn't think he needs it. Which I agree with - he doesn't need it, strictly speaking, but it would do him good. He is going to have at least another session though, and perhaps another one after that, but no more.

Anyway, now he is a lot more positive about our relationship. He says things like "I have a gut feeling that it's going to be OK", "we still have some little things we have to work on but in the end it will be wonderful I know it", etc (I know he really means it). Which is exactly what I've been waiting to hear for months. I was really at breaking point, it sometimes seemed to me like I was the only one believing in, and fighting for, our relationship. Now it's more like the opposite it seems.

Quite an inconclusive update, I know. Just needed to write it down I guess.

[Wakeup]

Something positive from you for a change, cool.

[bcgirl]

well you can't do anything but allow him proper time to grieve and get over his ex completely. This means that it is unhealthy being in a new relationship while he is trying to get over his former lover. You don't want to be the girlfriend living in the shadows of his former girlfriend. That's just very sad. The only thing you can do is break up with him so he can have the proper time to heal from his ex girlfriend.

[searock]

Thank you for replying bcgirl : ).

I agree with you. We have discussed this option many times, especially at the beginning of our relationship, when we were still "just dating". I wanted him to have the time to process his break-up, to get over his ex and be ready for a new, healthy relationship. But it simply wasn't possible, because he wasn't ready to do that. Basically he was afraid to be alone, so he would've stuck with his ex even though their relationship had been over for months: theirs was a long distance relationship, but they didn't even see each other when they were in the same town, nor would they talk on the phone when they were distant. All they did was text each other once in a while, and see each other less than once a month, and their sexual life had been non-existant for over an year. It was either that, or dating me: he just would NOT take the time to heal himself and figure out what he really wanted. He chose to date me, to "see where it would go", and I agreed to that because I was head over heels in love with him and because I knew that it would've been the only way we could have had a chance. Things worked out pretty well, we already knew we liked each other a lot as "companions" (we were best friends), and we soon realized our chemistry and sexual compatibility was great as well : ).

The only problem was that he hadn't had the time to process the break-up. Sometimes it would show and it would hurt a lot, so I told him more than once (a couple months after we started dating) that it would've been better if we took some time apart, to let him figure out his stuff. He always refused and said that it would've gotten better. I know the way he is, I knew that it probably would've made it even worse if we stopped seeing each other. He would've started obsessing over his "mistakes" - with his ex and with me. His guilt issues are really impossible to describe, they are totally irrational. So we stuck together and as months went by it seemed to be getting a LOT better: we got closer and he thought about his ex less and less. But then a couple of weeks ago we had a small argument (not even a proper argument, we weren't mad at each other, it was just something that happened that hurt us both) and he started thinking about her again. Not in a "I want to be with her" kind of way, but in a "what if I made a mistake, what if I got it all wrong" kind of way, as usual. So in the end he decided to get counseling, because things seemed to be going so well before that incident. And now they seem to be going well again : ).

It's like he needs to be periodically reassured that he is doing the right thing. I just wish he would know himself better, it would save us so much trouble. Anyway, I guess I'll just try to not get too pessimistic now (since my optimism has kind of died out after the n-th time he's had "second thoughts"), and see how it goes.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Have you two had sex yet?

[searock]

Have you two had sex yet?

Yes, we have : ).

[Wakeup]

That very well could be why he's bonding with you more...

[searock]

Yes, it's very likely actually. He is a guy after all : ). He caught mononucleosis around the beginning of October and he went back home for a month, and during that month we were very close, emotionally-wise. We would talk to (and see) each other every day on skype, it was always very sweet and loving. By the time he got back here, I was so happy and relaxed about the two of us that I could no longer think of a reason to not have sex with him, and so we did. I definitely don't regret it : ).

We do have a problem in that department too, though. But I don't think it's directly related to his feelings for me, even though the first time it happened it triggered, indirectly, the whole "thinking about his past mistakes" thing. (I used the term "indirectly" because all it did was upset the both of us; I got insecure and started thinking that he wasn't into me, so I asked him about his feelings for me and he eventually started thinking about that stuff.)

Anyway, here's what happened: we had intercourse once. Then we had oral sex, and just "playing around". We are intimate regularly and we both enjoy it a lot (personally he's the guy I've felt more sexually comfortable around up till now). After that one time, though, we have been unable to have intercourse again. We were going to have intercourse one time, but as soon as he put the condom on... he lost his erection. He couldn't get it "back up" until he removed the condom, and we did get to "finish" but without having intercourse. He was clearly very upset and I was a bit upset myself, because even though I know it's not my fault, I still somehow believe it's because he doesn't like me enough, or stuff. He obviously was upset because he thought it was his fault, he felt he had "disappointed" me, etc. But the reason was actually that the condom was too tight! I comforted him and told him it was no big deal and I enjoyed being with him anyway (which is the truth). Anyway, after that incident we kept "playing" with each other (basically we do everything except intercourse) and everything was OK. But then a couple of nights ago he suggested we had intercourse (I had been avoiding the subject since I knew it might have upset him), and... the same thing happened. Only this time we didn't even get to the point of him wearing the condom! And he was very aroused just moments before. It's clearly a psychological thing, it's like now, after that one time, he is afraid of not being able to do it, so he can't actually do it. He was very upset, a lot more than the first time. I was very supportive and once again we got to "finish", just without intercourse. We haven't attempted it since.

As I said, I'm pretty sure it's not directly related to him thinking about his ex, because this time (it happened a couple of nights ago) everything is perfectly fine between us, emotion-wise. Actually, he gets emotionally closer to me when things like this happen. I think it just all comes down to his insecurities, guilt issues, fear of disappointing, ...

I should probably post this in the intimate forum.

[bcgirl]

It's completely normal for someone to get lonely and sad after a break-up. It's also completely normal for someone to keep going back to the same person and try to make things "better" between the relationship. This is part of a process in some break-ups. I think I broke up with my ex like 10 times before it became final. Some people deal with their emotions after a break-up with wanting to be utterly alone with their thoughts. Other people can't stand to be alone and constantly need a companion in the opposite sex to distract them. After a break-up your emotions are all over the place...your lonely, your sad, your depressed...and sometimes couples can't stand to be apart and so get back together in hopes that this time things may work out. Break-ups cause people to become vulnerable. I think the reason why your boyfriend is with you now is because he was emotionally distraught after his break-up and was very fragile and vulnerable and the worst thing at the moment was for him to be alone. He needed somebody and you were the perfect candidate to help distract his mind off of his break-up. You adored him and became very understanding and caring. He hoped that you'd nurture him back to health. But the heart and emotions don't work that way, and instead, reality is much more complex. Although he may disagree that you were his "rebound", it is clear as day that you are his rebound.