Difficulty Adjusting to a Change in Relationship Status

[ChristianonLI]

Okay so this thread is mostly just me passively venting so I apologize if this annoys anyone. Some may remember a thread I posted a week or so ago about a woman who I am (was?) dating who is currently going through a lot of emotional stress related to a car accident and the finalization of her divorce. Due to her being depressed, stressed out from work and suddenly unsure of if I am the right one to be with we are hardly really seeing each other anymore and I am finding this a little difficult to deal with. Not incredibly difficult to the point it is interfering with my life but it certainly has me bummed out and floundering for things to do with all this free time I suddenly have.

You see, since we started seeing each other in June we spent every single day together. Her business closes at 6pm and by 6:30 she'd be at my door and by 7 we'd be somewhere to eat. By 8 or 9 we'd be back at my place watching television, playing chess, xbox and ending the night in very passionate, engaging sex. Five out of seven nights of the week she would end up sleeping over. To facilitate the ease of her staying over she had even begun to start leaving things here like contact lens solution, a toothbrush and other toiletries she would need for the morning.

It was a really good and healthy relationship right from the start. We had things to talk about, enjoyed doing things together even if it was doing almost nothing. And she was absolutely head over heels for me in every possible way. She would always tell me how I made her feel special and beautiful every single day and how she had never had a guy be so attentive and caring before. In the past few months I had done certain little things for her that really blew her away because they were things her ex-husband would never have even thought of doing like remembering her favorite music and surprising her with CDs of it (since he took all her CDs when he moved out), randomly giving her bouquets of her favorite flower (white daisies with yellow centers), even going so far as to remember a certain ice cream cake she fell in love with then having it there for her at a small surprise birthday party 3-4 months later. That and more and she loved all of it.

And then everything just STOPPED. No more good morning texts, no more stopping into my job on the way to work to have a cigarette with me, no more showing up at my door within an hour of work being done. When we do hang out (once or twice a week at most now) the conversation seems strained and she is constantly appearing preoccupied and on edge. She says she's depressed because she feels like her life has gone to sh*t. Mostly because of her divorce, she blames herself and is taking it all very hard even though she is the one who wanted it.

And yet she would still say she loves me. She would still hint at a long-term future for us yet she doesn't seem to want to spend time with me anymore. I really don't get it. In the space of a month her whole demeanor has changed dramatically and I don't know if it's because of me or the stress and depression. And I certainly don't want to just give up and move on because I'll tell you all now I truly love this woman. This crazy, emotionally unstable, OCD woman. Since Day 1 I have felt a connection with her and I know she had felt one with me. And considering how emotionally detached and un-supportive her ex had been for so many years I can't just end up being like that to her as well. I'm willing to go the distance and wait until her life sorts itself out but I am sort of losing patience. Yea, she got hit by a car a month ago and that's scary but she walked away virtually unscathed. Yea, she just got divorced but it was from a man who stopped having sex with her years ago for no reason and treated her like a burdensome roommate and not a loving wife. Yea her business isn't making as much money as it used to but that's the economy in America right now and it's still doing well enough for her to live comfortably. And amidst it all she has me, a man who has shown he truly loves her and wants to take care of her. What I don't get is, why isn't that enough? Why can't she stop obsessing on the negative and focus on the positive?

I don't get it. If I walk away I'll be no better than her ex but it's been a few weeks now and I'm not sure if I have any other choice. She doesn't know what she wants. Her exact words last week were "I feel the best thing for me right now is to not have you in my life, but that's not what I want." She has blatantly said she cannot emotionally handle being a full time girlfriend right now but then this past Sunday she showed up wanting birthday sex. So which is it? Full time girlfriend or not? Have me in her life or not? I really don't know.

[Riyko]

I would say just give her sometime, while she may not have sex with her ex husband, getting divorced isn't an easy thing, while she filed for it and she wanted it, it doesn't mean it makes the process any easier, i mean while they were separated she still in a sense "had him", now she has nothing relating to him while she loved him or not.

I will say i'm in a similar situation, the guy i like and the guy that likes me just recently filed for divorce from his wife and it hasn't been easy on him (nor has it been easy on me), but what i've realized is just being there for him and listening to him when he needs someone to talk has helped him out a ton. So maybe what you should do is let her know you are here for her if she needs to talk, but don't try to force anything, also invite her out when you go out, so she can keep her mind occupied could really help her out.

[questioningirl]

Hi, Im sorry about it. I can definitely see your pain. I mean you described an awesome relationship and what I can say is... SURE DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER!!! I suggest you not to because this is what you do for LOVE.
Did you talk to her as open as you are doing with us? Did you ask her what's going on for real and if there's anything you can do to help her, youd be there? If the answer is Yes to both then, be patient, Give her some time, watching and waiting. I know it's hard to hang in there and not knowing what to do but this is the only thing she may be asking you and that she may want from you right now. At a certain point though, you will have to take action into this and ask her to speak clearly with you. You can't be there waiting and not knowing for ever. I would suggest you to give yourself (through her of course) a "timeline". I wish you good luck and I hope everything goes back to those happy moments and even more!

[ChristianonLI]

To answer some questions, yes we did talk about the change in relationship status. And while I have tried to be patient and understanding I have at times inadvertently hurt her feelings or started an argument because the advice I tried to give came out wrong. More than once I ended up appearing to try to rush her towards getting better which really wasn't my intention, I had only been trying to help her to focus on the good things in her life and push aside the bad things.

While we have only been dating a few months this is a woman I could really see myself having a long term future with, all the way to marriage, kids and everything else. We have always just connected as much physically as mentally and this sudden change is just...strange. She makes almost no effort to contact me now. I shouldn't say "almost". She makes NO effort at all, in fact. What I don't get is how my existence in her life and my good treatment of her doesn't make all those bad things not matter to her? I know if roles were reversed that is how I would feel. Yet a part of her wishes she could still be with her ex when everything was good in spite of the fact he was emotionally dead, barely ever employed, 12 years older than her and almost certainly cheating non-stop on her throughout the entirety of their relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

Still picking these winners, Lion? Didn't you have similar problems with your ex-fiancee?

You mention being patient in your discussions. But what did she actually SAY about the issue?

[ChristianonLI]

Well, she has proven to be very confusing, if nothing else. She has shown she both wants to and does not want to be with me. She has even said as much. She wants me there in her life, but doesn't because she thinks she needs to be alone to heal from her divorce (which in my opinion the emotional healing should have started a year ago when she kicked him out and made up her mind that she didn't want him back, not now). She wants the relationship to be unlabeled and low intensity but then she shows up for sex. She'll start a conversation regarding us as a couple far into the future but then not call or text for days. We have talked at length about the status of our relationship but at this point I do not want to beat a dead horse so I have decided to leave it alone.

And who is Lion? I never had an ex-fiancee but I do have an ex-wife. That was a whole fiasco that I am glad is over and done with. I made quite the fool of myself.

On a side note I have quietly cut off communication with her to wait and see if she seeks me out. In her current emotional state of confusion do you all think this is a good or bad idea? Should I still be pursuing to make a point of showing her she's worth pursuing? Or would no contact just make her feel even worse about her life?

[IndiReloaded]

And who is Lion? I never had an ex-fiancee but I do have an ex-wife. That was a whole fiasco that I am glad is over and done with. I made quite the fool of myself.

On a side note I have quietly cut off communication with her to wait and see if she seeks me out. In her current emotional state of confusion do you all think this is a good or bad idea? Should I still be pursuing to make a point of showing her she's worth pursuing? Or would no contact just make her feel even worse about her life?

I might be confusing you with another poster, sorry. I think your strategy to give her some space is a good one. Not to cut off all communication but definitely set a boundary that you are not available to her whenever she likes. If you are in a relationship, you have needs too. See what bites. If you don't hear from her for a couple weeks, you might want to make a brief phone call just to check up. Decide what to do based on that. Call, btw. Don't text.

[ChristianonLI]

Thanks, Indie. You always gave good advice when I was too busy losing my mind when my wife left me (surely you remember THAT).

I have been giving her space. As a matter of fact I didn't try to contact her for two days and sure enough she reached out to me though it was only a very brief conversation. I would like to believe that what she says is absolutely true and that it has nothing to do with me or fading feelings for me. She's miserably depressed and feels like her marriage failing was all her fault. She longs for when her relationship with her ex-husband was good in spite of the fact for the few months we dated prior she appeared entirely over him, ready to move and steadfastly falling in love with me. She's constantly in pain from her accident and the physical therapy coupled with running her own business has left her exhausted and wanting only to sleep when she's home. Put all this together and I fear there just isn't room for me in her life anymore. When this might all pass and she makes time for me there is no telling but I should hope it's soon.

And even though you confused me with someone else, I DO really pick winners, don't I?

[IndiReloaded]

Thats a tough situation, for sure. Not much to do but wait, right? You already said it. Post updates if it helps.

[ChristianonLI]

Post updates you say? GLADLY!

She showed up at my door with a letter. It wasn't a good letter. She wanted to read it to me. Basically the letter said (it was 4 pages but this is the very short version): "there's nothing wrong with you, you're wonderful and amazing and any woman would be lucky to have you. But I need to take care of myself right now and I cannot handle the emotions of being in a relationship. I need to take time and be alone and heal but I may never again be ready to date you. Oh, and I still love you."

So there you have it. She really was one of the most awesome women I'd ever met. Intelligent, caring, absolutely beautiful and sexually voracious. Now she's gone and I'm left here with nothing, forced to start back at the beginning. How is that fair? I don't understand why this must continue to happen to me. I think I deserve at least one happy, long-lasting relationship with a woman I connect with. I think I deserve the chance that so many others are given and even so many more scorn and scoff at due to some sick, preconceived notion of lost freedom. If nothing else I deserve the chance to love and to be loved and not have it end abruptly like it always does. Is that too much to ask?

Edit: Now I just cannot sleep. I have work in 5 hours and I don't care. Not about work, or getting to sleep, or anything. She was pretty much the only bright spot in my otherwise mundane and unsuccessful life and while I know I will find someone new one day and these feelings will fade that's just it: I don't want them to fade. I don't want this woman out of my life. I want her to go back to the way she was before all this stuff happened to her. That's what I don't understand about her. She made it absolutely clear and without a doubt that I make her happy in every possible way. So why can she not be with me? What's there to heal from regarding the divorce she wanted in the first place if she has someone new whom she loves and who makes her feel good? She sort of had this way about her when she was reading the letter and afterward that she was setting me free from the burden she believes herself to be (which she constantly would say in one fashion or another). She doesn't think she's anything special and she believes I will find someone better than her when at this moment I don't believe that is possible. And even if it is possible, I don't want someone "better". I just want her. Back to the way she was two months ago, happy just to spend time with me and happy with her own life. Now is THAT as well too much to ask?

[IndiReloaded]

4 pages to basically say she doesn't want to date you? But she loves you?

She is a drama queen. Whether this is temporary or permanent b/c of her situation only she knows. But that kind of letter is full of mixed messages that are, at some level, designed to push you away and still keep you on the emotional hook. Guess what--its working.

But, you seem stuck on her. So if she is what you want, then you are going to have to give her the space she asks for. I think it would be good for you also; give you the opportunity to think about things from a more detached perspective. Do you know why she got divorced, other than her side of the story?

No offense, I know you were married, but I'm a bit wary of divorces without a clear explanation for what happened.

[steviej]

I kind of agree with indi, however if she is actually suffering from depression then it can be self destructive and pushing you away whilst still having strong feelings for you would fit that.

I'd be tempted to write her a letter back, telling her how you feel about her, about how much fun you have together etc etc that you have no regrets because the time the two of you had was fantastic and that you want to be with her, but respect her decision that she needs some space and that you hope that she will get in touch.

Or words to that effect.

Then leave it, you've done everything you can, the ball is in her court and the next move is hers.

[ChristianonLI]

I told her all that, Stevie, and that's where it has been left. Now all that remains is to wait and see. I won't bother and pressure her because that will only push her away and make her hate me. I just have to leave her be to live her life and hopefully one day she will come back. Because considering all my deficiencies I don't expect to be finding anyone even close to her anytime soon.

Edit: Is there anything I can do? I don't want to find someone else. This confused, hurt woman loves me and wants to be with me but she's stopping herself. Part of her doesn't feel she deserves me. Part of her feels she needs to take time to heal from a divorce that started a year ago. I didn't press her for an idea of when she'd be back but she didn't exactly offer any information related to this so as a result I have to assume that she may never be back. And this frightens me a great deal. I don't want anyone else. I want her. Only her. That's all. She made me happy and I made her happy. What more is there to life?

[IndiReloaded]

Ah, requited love denied. Well, all you can do is take the long view, Christian. Meantime, this may help (or make you cry, depending). You could send it to her, I guess:

[url]http://collectiveexperience.org/love/Requited_Love_Denied.html[/url]

[ChristianonLI]

It's a beautiful poem, Indie, but I cannot send that to her. I cannot reach out to her right now at all or for a while. That was the fatal mistake I made with my wife when she left me. I wouldn't leave her the Hell alone and in my confusion and insanity I believed that I could coerce and cajole her into coming back. That of course didn't work but years later and in retrospect not only am I glad she didn't come back but I know now she never planned on coming back. She also didn't miss me and grew to hate me because of my constant badgering.

It's different with this one. She SAID she loves me. Yet in the same breath she also said in her letter that she has to "step away from this relationship" so that she can have time to heal and feel from her own divorce. Then she spent 2 pages praising how wonderful I am and that she hoped I could find someone else who loved me for who I was. Well if she loves me then why can she not be with me?

Though she didn't outright admit it she doesn't believe she deserves someone like me. She thinks I'm too good for her. I don't understand that. If she truly believes that and that it isn't just a cover story because there was something lacking in me she needs to realize how wonderful she really is. She needs to stop beating herself up and let herself be loved and treated well as she does deserve.

And I'm rambling again. Saying the same stuff over and over again which doesn't help. It just annoys everyone on this forum as I have come to find. I'm sorry everybody. I'll stfu now.