Difficulty Adjusting to a Change in Relationship Status

[IndiReloaded]

It's different with this one. She SAID she loves me. Yet in the same breath she also said in her letter that she has to "step away from this relationship" so that she can have time to heal and feel from her own divorce. Then she spent 2 pages praising how wonderful I am and that she hoped I could find someone else who loved me for who I was. Well if she loves me then why can she not be with me?

You know yourself, divorce is extremely damaging to the ego. She probably wants to make sure she feels emotionally and otherwise healthy before she tries again. This seems entirely reasonable. Sucks for you, yes, b/c you are ready and she is not, but I think its the right thing to do. Kudos to her for recognizing it. Don't you want a partner whole and healthy? Love does NOT conquer all. Lets imagine she tries for a relationship with you now and she becomes dependent on you. Not good, and a sure path to another failed relationship eventually. Have you read the Shining Knight sticky in the main LoveForum section? You should if you haven't. You don't want to end up there.

Be her friend, without pressure. Give her space for a while, then start contact *but only as friends*. If you can't manage this, then I would suggest you don't really love her and are simply acting for your own selfish interests.

[alwaystryin]

Maybe she loves you just as much as you love her. Maybe she feels she is not emotionally capable of handling a relationship, as in living up to her end and providing you with what you deserve? Maybe your pushing her to 'get better already' made her feel pressure and the last thing she could fathom was having to fulfill someone else's needs before giving herself a chance to fulfill hers. Maybe she doesn't even know what they are. Maybe she doesn't even know all off this but is feeling it all none the less. She may be at a place where too many major things have happened in her life at once. Maybe she needs time to regroup and recoup. Maybe she's so down right now that she feels it would be an injustice to stay with you because this turmoil inside of her would keep her from being your ultimate other half.

I just read all these posts. And these are all just a bunch of maybe's. Depression is almost impossible to understand from the outside. Considering the events in her recent past it's hardly surprising she's depressed. Hopefully it is directly related and temporary. (Though I wonder if she's always suffered from depression? A history of it would be entirely something else to consider).

My point is, if you do love her as you say (and you seem terribly sincere) then maybe try to approach her in a way that lets her know you care about her as in individual instead of someone that you expect things from. Tell her you love her before you speak, but then tell her the things you speak of are your concerns for her well being alone and not because you envision a plan where the end is the two of you together, rather that the end is her okay regardless. Maybe taking the pressure off will help her feel that she doesn't have to back off completely. Tell her she doesn't have to give up on the idea of you both as you hate that idea, but you can understand her needing time. As far as how long you want to wait? Well, I always ponder how far one will go for the one they love. You are the only one who knows that.

[jen91]

I'm going through a similar situation Chris. My bf is going through depression as a result of an accident and pulling away from me. He was the sweetest man I have ever met in my life. We were...and still are, I think, in love. He says he loves me but since his accident 3 months ago, I've gotten 7 emails and that's it. I've tried everything, begged, pleaded, got mad....still the same response. He loves me, he says, but he's still distant. Last Monday I decided that it would be the last time I'd contact him until he starts putting some effort into this. I feel like I'm bothering him. Anyway, I know what you're going through. It's so frustrating and confusing. Maybe just let her have her space...wait for her. I'm waiting and I have no idea how long I'll be able to but I think you just know when it's time to let go for good. I hope neither of us gets to that point. Good luck

[ChristianonLI]

Shameless bump. Thanks again to everyone for their replies. To Indie I read through the Shining Knight sticky and yes, to a degree I do want to save her. She spent so many years being emotionally ignored and beaten down that I almost feel an obligation to treat her right and partly I cannot understand why she would choose to be alone and miserable even if it is to "find herself". Seeing the joy on her face at the things I did for her made me feel really good and I know she appreciated every bit of it. Surely she could partake in that journey of finding herself while having around someone she's in love with and who is equally in love back, no?

To Alwaystryin I do think you are spot on with your analyses. I just wish she could have given me some sort of indication that she would come back when all was said and done. As for my sincerity, you are right about that too. I love this girl in spite of how much she would half-heartedly try to convince me otherwise. "I'm not that special", "I'm not a head turner", "I have issues" was really all she would say. But she's like anyone else. She wants to be loved for who she is and I love her for who she is, flaws and all. But more than once she has hinted that she doesn't believe I do.

Back to Indie for a moment, I plan on reopening contact after Christmas on a very casual level. Mainly just to check up and see how she's feeling, how her holidays went with family and her store. I did send one email last week but that was to simply offer a formal response to the 6 page letter she wrote and then read to me. I made a point to validate and support her feelings but let her know I wished things could be different and that even though she didn't want me to wait (because she believed it to be unfair) I would do it anyway for a little while because of how important she was to me. My main worry though is getting stuck in the Friend Zone. If I start things back up on the level of friends there's no guarantee it would ever progress beyond that and I could not emotionally bear being a "friend" to a woman I am in love with. Especially if she ever started dating someone else because I know I will hold these feelings for her for a very long time (if not forever, I just don't know).

I can't get it out of my head that all I need to do is run to her and re-enact the last scene of When Harry Met Sally and everything that has been troubling her will go away. Not word for word but in a way specifically tuned to the relationship her and I were in (coincidentally it's her favorite movie). As much as I know real life doesn't work the way it does in movies I cannot help but harbor silly notions like this, that all I need to do is find the right combination of words that will magically take away all her pain and open her eyes to the bright future she has ahead of her. Whether or not I'm even in that future doesn't matter to a certain degree, I just want to see her get through this more than anything else. She deserves SO MUCH more than what her ex gave to her and no matter how much I tried to prove this to her she still would not believe it. And she certainly does not believe it now and may not for a very long while, if ever.

I tried so hard during our few months together to show her she deserved better than what her ex gave her. And not just to prove it but because it's what I feel in my heart. How many times can I say it? I am in love with Rita and right now, sitting here on this crappy futon in my crappy apartment that I can now afford all on my own, I know that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with her. Hell, the month before her accident we were talking about moving in together sometime next year. We were on the verge of stocking her apartment with mutual groceries so that we could cook dinner together and not spend money eating out every night (mine doesn't have a stove). We were doing everything a committed couple does and then, in the blink of an eye, it was all gone.

It just really bums me out, you know? And I have very few outlets to talk about it so I keep coming back here and bumping this thread that I am guessing nobody cares to read anymore. But I have to say it somewhere. I hope you can all understand. I love this girl and even though I want her back...I want her back whole. I want her back emotionally healthy. I want her back feeling like the Rita I came to know and love. I just wish it could be tomorrow.

[steviej]

Christian i've been following your thread and totally understand your point of view, but i think right now you just have to respect what she wrote in the letter and give her that space.
Definitely try though after christmas, make contact and see how the reply goes. Its tough i know but you can get through it!
Keep us updated and use this forum whenever you feel like letting off steam or just to get things off your chest.

[ChristianonLI]

I guess it "might" be a positive thing which has happened. The last 3 days straight she has come in while I was working, something she hadn't done for quite some time, even long before the day of the letter. We didn't get much chance to talk though as she is always running late and these past 3 days was no different. Though she has been dressed nice for work she doesn't look good. I can see the depression all over her face and it pains me to no end. But there just isn't anything I can do to help her. It's all up to her now. Hopefully her visits mean something positive.

[ChristianonLI]

So her occasional contact with me, initiated by her, hasn't led to much. She's still wildly confused and describes it as feeling as though her insides have been torn out. What makes it worse is she is now thinking about canceling the divorce before the paperwork gets signed by a judge. In spite of the fact she was not treated as a wife should be treated for years, in spite of the fact all her family and friends have told her how wrong he is for her and have told her the divorce is the best decision she's ever made. She has straight up told me that it would be easier to take him back and make the pain go away than deal with it for an undetermined amount of time.

I'm not sure if she will do it but if she does I'm done. It's just ridiculous, really. Her ex cannot even recognize that they ever had any problems. He told her just the other day that their issues were just "a down period". What's worse is she is constantly blaming herself. She thinks she was the one who had the problems and that she expected too much and that she was the one who should have done all the changing. In spite of the fact he never had a steady job and tried to start a business without doing any networking, advertising or establishing of clients. In spite of the fact he didn't want to have sex with her for 3-4 years which she blames on the 20 or so pounds she put on. And in spite of the fact he acknowledged her feelings and would dismiss everything she said.

She keeps blaming herself and it drives me crazy. It's just stupid at this point. I treated her right. I made her feel loved every day. And still, just because she has history with this useless loser, she would actually consider taking him back. You know it's really not fair at all, I truly love this nutcase of a woman and I would do anything for her. In her I saw a real soulmate. But here I sit alone, and there she sits alone, or possibly already with her ex, I have no idea. All I know is if she ends up really doing it she'll never be happy with him. If it was meant to be she never would have met me. That alone is proof enough divorce is the right decision for her.

But oh well, just had to rant a bit. Carry on, folks!

[steviej]

Look at it as a lucky escape mate, she's not right in the head. All those issues she has won't just magically disappear if you got with her. It probably doesn't feel like it but it could well be a blessing in disguise that its worked out like this.
It sounds like she has enough people around her who talk sense, you're doing the right thing by not getting involved.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This is just pathetic. Stop making excuses for her, and responding to her. Time to move on.

[ChristianonLI]

I think calling this pathetic is a bit of a harsh and unnecessary comment. A lucky escape, quite possibly, but good and sane people have things happen to them all the time that make them act a bit crazy or irrationally for a time. It's natural to feel pain and loss from a divorce, even one you initiated. In her eyes she's throwing away eight years of her life. Even if it's for a better future that's a future she just cannot see right now. This is a relationship forum, I am certain there are a few who can understand what that feeling is like. I know I can.

[bcgirl]

It's unfortunate that you caught her at the worst possible time of her life. She is going through a divorce. It's completely normal for someone to have their ups and downs and be totally confused and depressed and constantly question life. She is going through a divorce. She is grieving the death of a failed marriage, a failure as a wife, a person that couldn't make a relationship work, the loss of hope and future. If she has kids (which i'm not sure) but she will be grieving the loss of a "proper" family structure. As humans, we all crave to be loved. It's no coincidence she fell for you and spent most days with you at the beginning. You gave her a shoulder to lean on when she had nobody. You gave her attention when no one would listen. You gave her the emotional and physical contact she so desperately needed and was lacking due to her husband and the events leading up to the seperation/divorce. Now that she is tainted from being a divorcee she never wants to go through this trauma again so she tries to avoid it (which many divorcee's tend to do). She doesn't want to get hurt. Once upon a time her ex husband used to be that man she dreamed of marrying (she married him didn't she?), he used to make her a happy woman. She just feels like she has been hit in the face really hard by reality. And reality is that most relationships fail. Most marriages fail. What you feel at the beginning of a relationship is not what you feel at the end of one....in most cases, a relationship gets worse the more years you spend together. That is the harshness of reality. So perhaps you two have enjoyed very magical times together, she is vulnerable and is like an open wound. She can't help but conclude that perhaps this relationship may go to sh*t as well. And she doesn't want to feel that pain again.

[ChristianonLI]

That is certainly how she feels. She doesn't have kids but everything else is spot on. She flat out says she loves me and is in love with me but cannot be with me because of what's going on in her life. That's fine, I'm not above giving her some time, but I'm not going to wait forever. She's a grown woman and the harsh reality of her marriage was that he was a freeloading loser with no ambition who never respected her feelings or opinions. She knows this yet she still grieves for the marriage which, in my opinion, is silly.

And here's this great guy (me) who makes her feel all the feelings he never did for years and she pushes him away too. That, too, is silly. But I cannot make her "get better", it's entirely up to her. She can decide to get over it tomorrow or dwell on it for a year then regret having wasted a year. And by then I'll probably be with someone else and she'll have lost out on being with someone who she has said she didn't think existed in the world. If I'm one of a kind in her eyes then what's her problem?

[bcgirl]

She's a grown woman and the harsh reality of her marriage was that he was a freeloading loser with no ambition who never respected her feelings or opinions. She knows this yet she still grieves for the marriage which, in my opinion, is silly.

There is ALWAYS a flip side. If all she feels is negativity towards her husband, she would have kicked him to the curb A LONG TIME AGO. She has no children which should make divorce a lot easier; still very difficult, but a hell of a lot easier. It doesn't make any sense for someone to not be excited and celebrate divorcing a total loser, cheater, freeloading douchebag. Why is she so utterly depressed? Well the thing is she still see's the good in what the marriage was. She see's some good in her husband. Although she may only be venting to you the negative side to him, i'm sure there is also a positive side to him as well. That positive side is the part she keeps hidden from you and think about when she is alone at night crying herself to sleep in her bed. The positive side of him is what she is grieving the loss of. Do not wait for her to come around..... she needs a lot of time to get over it and the worst thing would be for you to end up being her rebound. She is an emotional rollercoaster and has a lot of baggage she needs to deal with first before loading her baggage onto someone else (you).

[BackUpOrGetStng]

When I said this is just pathetic, I was referring to you. The girl doesn't want you. She probably doesn't want to hurt you, which is why she won't just come out and say it. Leave her alone, and she might come back.

[ChristianonLI]

BackUp, I knew what you meant and my reply still stands. As for her "not wanting me", that is quite a possibility but I don't think that is the case here. Things she has done and said go against this being a strong possibility. I don't call her. I don't text her. I don't go to see her at work or home. Since her letter all contact has been initiated by her. She's flat out told me she loves me and is in love with me and wants nothing more than to continue the relationship but just can't right now. If she didn't want me she wouldn't seek me out no matter how crazy she was.