backwards or forwards? my life.

[brisingrfire]

im not a great person, im not unique, theres nothing amazing about me. im not slim or beautiful. average round girl.

im 22, soon to be 23.
iv had 2 amazing times in my life.

1-when i did animal care in college
2- my year with gray.

this is probably going to be a long read. and im not out for support or criticism. i feel if i write maybe there are people who will relate to me who can give me advice, but really i write for myself. i could write on word or write a private diary. but i think its better to write here.

ive just lost my boyfriend. i say lost i was dumped. hes been my best friend for a year and still is, but he didnt feel a spark with me so for me i feel like iv lost him.

my lifes been pretty dull. iv never been super happy except for the 2 times mentioned above.
food has always been what i turned too when i was down. i never felt like i had the support of my family or my friends.
gray tells me all the time i need to do things for myself. its like no one believes i try to help myself. alot of the time i want to complain, after years of bottling my feelings and not trusting anyone sometimes i just want to be allowed to vent for however long i need to.
i should probably do the counselling the doctor gave me the number for but i could never build the courage to ring the number.

grays the most amazing person. my first love.my first real relationship. being dumped so out of the blue i dont know how to handle not being with him...we were together for just over a year. i was with him practicly everyday. hes caused me a lot of heartache.
to the point now where i barely eat. iv demonised everything. i dont talk to my mum. i dont expect things from anyone anymore.
my dads meant to come see me today but he hasnt showed up, im not really surprised.
probably why gray is so important to me. i wish he understood how important, hes been my rock and spurred me on when iv felt useless.

i feel that i finally let someone close only for that to backfire and hurt me. i lost my appetite, i limit myself to one small meal a day. iv started living on cans of monster and caffeine pills. anything thatl give me energy so i dont have to eat.
and i know how stupid it is but now that thats what my heads settled on i struggle to change it because this is how im coping.
gray worries about me. but even that doesnt put me back on track.

i dont like myself anymore. i hate my body. i feel that how i look and who i am is to blame for him not loving me.
i take alot of anger out on him and as he put it he wont feed the fire but he accepts it. he hasnt pushed me away. i expect iv started pushing him away. but hes the only person i rely on. best friends is a girly term. but hes certainly the person i consider the closest to me. the first person where iv seen genuine concern for me cross his face.

my relationship with him was good. i had moments of insecurity because his personality is difficult. hes an indifferent person. when i felt like i needed attention he could just want to sleep.
he tried to love me but found he couldnt find the spark. so i do feel like iv been lead on for a year. and it feels worse because i lost my virginity to him. i dont regret it i love him very much, i spend most of time in my head worrying more about him then myself. but being dumped.....i dont know what to do with myself.

he says its just luck that you stay together with the first person you meet. i do want to stay with him. if i could id marry him.
for me i didnt think id have to sleep with more then one person. i know alot of women like the idea of being with different guys, playing the field. but that frightens me alot. i dont want someone who doesnt treat my body the way he did.
so in one way i can move on. outwardly i can feel fine.
but i dont feel like im needed, i dont feel loved or valued. i feel more like an accident. i still cry alot, when i think about not being with gray. which is alot.
i wish he would just come see me of his own free will instead of me having to ask him. hes one of those people that could go on for ages just working and doing his normal things without seeing people.
its probably abit weird that hes the cause of my pain but also the support of it.
im glad he lets me vent. im glad hes my support.
alot of people say go cold turkey.
i wouldnt be able to cope with that. i know myself well enough to know that if he was truly gone i wouldnt have anything to focus on.
he believes in me and thats important to me.

iv never been prepared to give myself to more then one person. i thought id get lucky like alot of my friends and be able to fall in love first time and be able to stay with that person.
everything i feel is a fear.
i dont have any confidence. but if gray believes im something then i know i have someone who cares.
alot of people say you need to do things for yourself and its true, but if your struggling on your own then you begin to lose motivation.
i dont want gray to hate me or be pressured by me, im sure if he was he would have told me off by now. but what he gives me is important. and i wish i felt it from other people around me.

so in one aspect i am ok.
but in another im not.
i dont know what im setting out to do by limiting my food intake. i dont know when il start eating properly again.
i feel its a form of punishment on myself. i dont believe im good enough.
im stuck in a rut thats hard to get out of.
stuck in a part time supermarket job,living with my mum unable to drive.
if i learnt to drive i wouldnt be able to afford to keep a car.
i cant get another job because i cant drive.
the small town i do live in doesnt have any jobs going. not unless i magicaly become qualified in engineering or whatever,
its a vicious circle. and i hate being thrown back into it by myself.

i dont know if i can accept someone else into my life who isnt gray. i dont know how to...like someone who isnt him. iv never been in love before gray, i didnt have many crushes either.
i feel i need to lose weight. after years of relying on food, not feeling like i had a support system and then dealing with POS i dont have the motivation for exercise.
i always think things will just work themselves out.
im not a strong person.
im just waiting for my next knight in shining armour to see if i really do have the ability to move on.

i wonder if theres anyone else whos been through similar things?
have you come out the other end the way youd hoped you would?

[steviej]

No wonder he left, a relationship is meant to be a partnership, equals. Not for you to latch on to someone like they are your emotional blanket, sucking the energy out of them because you can't help yourself.
You were completely dependent on him and relied on him for your own emotional wellbeing. This will doom any relationship.
I know first hand how tiring it is when someone is like that - trust me you push them away because of it.
You saw him every day, he felt smothered.

You have to change this behaviour otherwise history will repeat. You cannot rely on someone else for your own happiness, you have to be able to be happy with yourself.

Stop moping and feeling sorry for yourself. You've done enough self pitying. Now is the time to get your life back on track.

First step, pick up the phone and ring that councillor for an appointment!

[brisingrfire]

mmm not really, i did my own thing. got myself my apprenticeship, my work experience. gained confidence. made big steps. things i was already doing before i met him. its just those things are slow going. i kept the flat tidy, went out and saw people and yes occasionally i was upset and i felt down and i did need him. i make myself sound worse then i am. although atm im pretty bad, it is my first time dealing with a breakup.
hes an honest guy and he puts me in my place if i get too down.

he made the choice to see me everyday.
i never forced him into anything or stopped him from anything.
we never argued, always had fun. helped each other out. made each other better people.
i had my own happiness before him, although it wasnt the same sort of happiness as being with someone.
at the end of the day im just not the right girl. i dont mind people making comments on here. i do know how i sound.
i mean its written from my view so i know i sound like some clingy crazy person or whatnot lol.

yes im stuggling. and eventually il pick my life up and move forward. i always have done. i didnt rely on people beforehand.
i guess iv always had ideals in my head and i thought theyd happen straight off the bat and they didnt. so i dont really know how to form the next part of my life. but i do get that i sound like iv just drained him emotionally. hes fine lol. as i said hes my best friend and he relies on me too.

[steviej]

Ok, you've said totally the opposite there as you did in the first post!

My last comment still stands, go see that councillor.

[alwaystryin]

You are young. All of your self worth is attached to gray, your dad, your friends... Love is work, breakups are hard, life is not fair, and we are most often our own worst enemies. If there is a counselor available to you, you should speak to them. NOTHING in life is ever as horrible as it seems at the time. And the one thing that you can always count on is that everything changes, the good and the bad. You are only responsible for yourself and you will reflect your self worth on others by how you allow them to treat you as well as how you treat yourself. Take a deep breath and realize these things. You're being self destructive and despite what you think you're body is something you should treat like a temple as it is your right and what you owe yourself. It's never done anything to you but carry you along. Do something good for it. Start with one day my dear, and one thought and one action. You always have choices. The beautiful thing about becoming an adult as you are, is that you only need to make your choices for yourself. A lot of growing up is to realize that, let go of the past, where you came from, the people that hurt you. Never forget it, as they are the experiences that make it possible for you to strive for something better, something for YOU, but leave it behind and move on. For many people it takes years to realize this, decades even, and some never do. We are all worth everything, we are worth the best we can give ourselves. How can you do for others if you are so depleted? Life is for living and wisdom only comes from experience. Don't cheat yourself by limiting yours. Keep writing for yourself, empty your negative thoughts. Emotions hinder your true self. Use them as a tool, not a crutch. Be strong minded. I wish you the best.