My girlfriend has turned from wildcat to frigid and it`s destroying our relationship

[4dvz]

We are both 24-28 years old and been living together for over 3 years now and I considered myself happy with our sexlife for about the first 2 years, but then it started to slowly strike me that she wants sex less and less all the time, and we started having problems because my sexual desires have stayed exactly the same all this time and I started getting negative reactions on my attempts, which has more and more led towards frustration for both of us.

I know these problems can be reflections from other issues, but I`m unable to find any other problems between us that might cause her to lose her desires, I even started working out like crazy because I was afraid that I don`t look as good as I did earlier, but right now when I`ve never been happier about my looks it`s no use. I`m nice to her all the time, I treat her like a princess, I never try to force her into anything. She about never makes any initiatives, and turns me down continuously except for very rare instances.

We have reached the point where this is 100% everything I can think about when she`s around, I need to concentrate all the time into focusing my toughts on something else and it hurts my brains. Don`t get me wrong I`m not telling it to her 24/7, in fact I allow myself to try seducing her only once/day at the most appropriate time I see fit. I`m trying to consider everything when I make my attempt, her current mindset etc etc atmosphere but it`s just no good. There has been couple of recent occasions where I tried to create a romantic atmosphere by lighting candles in the bedroom and she got really frustrated and told me that she will tell me when she wants sex.

I have confronted her about whether she even wants to be with me anymore, but she doesn`t even have to think before she says YES and that her life would be miserable without me.. I just don`t understand. And usually when I try to talk about this whole issue with her, she just gets extremely frustrated and says stuff like "well you need to find yourself somebody else if you`re not happy" and gets very grumpy for hours, so I`m a bit afraid of bringing this up and just swallow my desires every time I get turned down.
I feel like my whole relationship-life at the moment is about me just waiting and waiting for her to warm up.

The worst part is that I`m actually starting to feel like I have no other options but to leave.. I love her very much but this is breaking me and us into pieces. I simply can`t take this any longer and had to let some steams off by posting this..

[Boisdevie]

Either she changes or you leave. I suspect she won't change. I suspect you'll leave. Sexual compatibility is a big factor in a successful relationship.

[4dvz]

Yes but we were sexually compatible for 2 years and now we`re not. I know there`s the phase when you have a crush 24/7 and it makes everyone want sex with the other person but that phase can`t last for 2 years imo.. Just wish she could atleast tell me what happened to her desires but she doesn`t even know it herself.

[malteser]

In my opinion she has got bored of the sex with you and perhaps isn't as attracted to you as she once was. You need to end the relationship unless she is willing to change, sexual compatibility is important.

[4dvz]

Something like that sounds logical, she being bored in it. Quite sad tough if it`s the case.. but you are right about me having to end this unless something changes. But how do you say to your girlfriend that unless she starts wanting sex you`re going to ditch her.. It has to be done tough I quess. Just such a pity since besides this we`re a perfect match, we hate the same things and like the same stuff and you know.

[smackie9]

The boredom is from the lack of compatability...not the compatability like getting along ok, but compatability with your passions, interests, and also bringing in or doing new things into the relationship....this usually happenes to men more than women. Women are more about their emotions, and not what appeals to their eye (like the way men are more attracted to the physical). Romance and doing new exciting things has to be done OUTSIDE the bedroom. Lighting candles, and dropping rose peddles on the bed, is no different than telling her bluntly you want her to give you sex.

[bulrush]

Your girlfriend changed. Welcome to life. You can't change her, so will you leave? Or will you stay and be frustrated and perpetually unhappy?

Has she started a new birth control pill in the last year? Those can sometimes kill libido.

And usually when I try to talk about this whole issue with her, she just gets extremely frustrated and says stuff like "well you need to find yourself somebody else if you`re not happy" and gets very grumpy for hours,

She sounds really immature if she doesn't even want to talk about something, or she gets angry just from talking about something. I think you can find someone more mature who will talk about issues, and meet you half way. If your mate doesn't do that, it will not last. Period. Communication and compromise are super important in a relationship.

[smackie9]

I don't think it's a problem with immaturity, but more like being on the defensive from being pressured, and or a possibility of resentment of some kind on her part. Some girls think their mate should already know what the problem is and get frustrated that they don't so they shut down. We don't really know how these two communicate..... what has been said or how things are said. We are only getting one side of the story. I say go get counseling so there can be a mediator to help discuss this issue properly that's providing this relationship is worth even saving.

[4dvz]

We do other stuff outside the bedroom together like we used to, it hasn`t changed. And of course I can only tell my side of the story, but it`s true.
I could always try to write her side of the story but it would all be just speculation, expect after I wrote my 1st post and once again tried to talk with her;
This time I just asked for her to be honest whether she`s bored in sex with me? She got frustrated and angry as usual but also told me that she`s depressed all the time. She`s been really negative about lots of things if I think about it.. But she said it has nothing to do with me, it`s her life in general. Work, money (we haven`t had much of it lately) etc etc. She hates it all and it makes her feel down 24/7, that`s what she said and then it went to me being selfish for wanting something out from her and even to the usual "it`s all about sex for men" type of talk. But atleast she told me something to think about.

Can that stuff really take away her desires for such a long time? I`m not sure what to believe, was that just an excuse?

bulrush no she`s not taking pills, and I know I`m going to be unhappy unless a miracle happens but I find it extremely hard to leave. And I have told her to atleast think about really discussing things with me because it would be important. But for example yesterday after she got mad and I said that I only wanted to have an conversation she said that I should talk to a friend instead of her. Wtf.. sometimes I just wonder are we even living the same life.

[steviej]

Communication is such a huge factor in a relationship and it sounds like there is a real barrier there despite your efforts.
Has her life become 'stale' for want of a better word? Is she stuck in a job she doesn't like, doing the same things day in day out and having very little money to show for it?
What is her circle of friends like? Does she go out often to see them? Do you both have interests outside the relationship that you do seperately?

A lot of questions, but it helps to try and get a better understanding of the situation.

[searock]

When someone is depressed their sex drive is basically non-existant. She probably doesn't want to talk about it because she feels pressured in doing something that she isn't currently able to do. This makes her feel bad in itself, even without you constantly reminding her of her "failure" in being a "perfect girlfriend". But I see your point too, from your point of view you don't see any difference so you don't understand the change. Seriously though, you haven't noticed she's depressed? No wonder she doesn't feel like opening up to you.

[vashti]

I agree with searock. If she's depressed, she won't be interested in much of anything, let alone sex. And for the record, if she goes on antidepressants, she is likely to have an even lower sex drive.

All the pressure you give her won't help, especially on a daily basis.

Another thought: women grow bored of sex when their man isn't giving them orgasms.

[smackie9]

Can that stuff really take away her desires for such a long time? I`m not sure what to believe, was that just an excuse?

YES! This can happen to men as well. Your GF is feeling very hopeless. I feel what would work is to talk more about it. Not about everything, but pick out one topic like her job. You can be supportive, but also be a part of trying resolve some of the issues and pressures. Tell her she should have to carry all this burden on her own and that you are partners, you need to work together as a team.....if you ever plan on getting married, this is step one....working together. If she really can't talk to you, then find a close family member to talk to her.

[4dvz]

I mean she only said that she`s feeling depressed all the time and to me (if it`s the same thing) it has appeared only as general negativity. I don`t know anything about depression and I can`t be sure if she is really under the medical condition called depression or if she`s just feeling depressed. She`s not using any medication tough.

Vashti: "Another thought: women grow bored of sex when their man isn't giving them orgasms." She has never had problems getting orgasms when we`ve been having sex, I can definitely tell that she atleast used to enjoy it..

Searock: I have noticed that she`s negative towards lots of things (like sex), but I mean.. how could I know when she usually refuses to talk about anything deep or serious? I`ve never been depressed nor I have known anyone who`s depressed. And as I said I`m not sure how depressed she actually is. For someone like me who doesn`t understand a thing about depression it`s hard to react..

Steviej: She doesn`t really have hobbies but she sees her friends, like 1-2 times/week having coffee/lunch and goes out maybe once/twice a month. Pretty much the same amounts as I do. She doesn`t like her job so yes you might call that she`s stuck. I have a lot of hobbies myself tough..

smackie9: Yep that`s about exactly the way I try to talk to her; We should be a team, let´s talk about it and do whatever needs to be done together etc but she doesn`t want to talk. I really don`t see myself contacting her mother (her only close family member) and express my problems..

In general I`m paying quite a lot of attention towards her not only in trying to have sex but I ask her questions and cook for us almost 4-5 times/week+I always invite her to do stuff with me, sometimes she joins me sometimes she doesn`t.

[smackie9]

I don't know what esle I can tell you. Are you looking to save this relationship? or are you looking for confirmation to leave it?