HELP! obsessed with bf's gorgeous ex..

[Unimare]

Okay, this is such an embarrassing problem, but it's totally crippling my self-esteem AND potentially ruining my relationship.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, things are good, we love each other, etc. But I can't stop obsessing over his ex girlfriend. They were together for about two years, but he broke it off because "it was getting too serious" and he's still very young. They were each other's first real relationship, crazy in love, I'm sure, and all that textbook first romance stuff.

Now I'm positive he was over her by the time we got together and he never really mentions her either, so it's all in my head. Which is even more frustrating! But I can't stop internet-stalking her, facebook, google, etc. It just bothers me so much that she seems perfect in every way, not just objectively speaking (that too), but perfect for HIM. And so so much more beautiful than me which I think is what bothers me most, if I'm honest. Now I can be pretty, but she's model gorgeous and so photogenic with a great smile and fantastic butt (and I know he's into that), it just drives me insane. Whenever I see a picture of her it just blows my self-esteem completely. I start to think that he must be regretting breaking up with her and if he should compare me to her, it would not end in my favour, especially since he's never mentioned any other fault with their relationship other than "it was getting too serious" (so she could have been the ONE, but they were just too young or something, are you kidding me??). It makes me want to break up with him right here and now just so I can save myself the embarrassment of being dumped and lose even more of my already fragile self-esteem.

I'M USUALLY A RATIONAL AND INTELLIGENT PERSON. How did this happen to me? I'm guessing it's totally an insecurity issue that would have lifted its head in one way or another, gorgeous ex or not, but I can't seem to get over it myself. I've tried to stop looking at her pictures, but I eventually I keep coming back to it. It's like a twisted addiction.

Please, give me some words of wisdom and encouragement. Don't be too cruel, because I'm already beating myself up over this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like he just wanted to experience being with other women before getting back with her. If he hasn't started regretting leaving her yet, he probably will if you keep this up.

[bulrush]

In order to help you, you have to be honest with us, then we have to be honest on how things look. Then you have to accept our observations and be willing to change.

So, why do you let someone else (the ex) dictate how you feel? Why do you even care if you THINK she's prettier than you? Live your own life, enjoy your bf, and ignore his ex. Try to think about something else. He left her because she was NOT perfect for him. He's with you because he sees something nice in you. So, focus on the positive he sees in YOU.

No one can change your thinking but you.

[Unimare]

That's very true, thank you. And I do know that at a conscious level, but still these paranoid irking feelings creep in.. The best I can explain it is that this has to be some more deep rooted insecurity issue. It's my first real relationship, also the first time I feel loved and appreciated by a man, so out of fear of losing that I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage my relationship? In the past, I've only had men interested in me for superficial reasons, not really caring about me on a deeper level, so I feel like that's all I have to offer. And yet here is this guy who at least superficially had hit the jackpot already, so what the hell does he see in me? I think there is some underhanded security in believing that your partner can't do better than you and great insecurity in knowing that he can - at least when you have self-esteem issues yourself.

[bcgirl]

"not ready for a serious relationship" is NOT a good reason for breaking up with a perfect person. It doesn't make sense. If you met a perfect person, wouldn't you do everything in your power to hang on to that person forever? I mean, what is the point of dating? Unless he just wanted to f*ck as many hot girls as he can before getting married....but he proved that's not the case because he ends up in a serious relationship with you right after. He probably broke up with her (or she broke up with him) for reasons he doesn't want to get into...so he just tells you "i wasn't ready for a serious relationship".

[devonbrown]

I'M USUALLY A RATIONAL AND INTELLIGENT PERSON. How did this happen to me? I'm guessing it's totally an insecurity issue that would have lifted its head in one way or another, gorgeous ex or not, but I can't seem to get over it myself.

You may be an intelligent person, but you are not rational, at least in this situation. And you are 100% right in your assessment of this being an insecurity issue on your part. This has nothing to do with your boyfriend or his ex-girlfriend. This is all about you and how you feel inferior to others. What you need to do is find in yourself the confidence and security that you need. Don't make it be about anyone else. Stop comparing people to you. Focus on you. What makes you a great catch? What makes you special? What makes you the person your boyfriend wants to be with? Answer those questions and focus on them.

I hope this makes sense.

Good luck.

[bcgirl]

People are attracted to confidence, not insecurity. A confident average looking girl is much more attractive than an insecure model.

[pisces25]

One thing that sticks out to me is him breaking it off with her coz he didnt want a serious relationship. How much time gap was between them breaking up and you guys hooking up? If it wasn't long I would be more worried about him breaking up with me for the same reason.

[mwahahaha]

People are attracted to confidence, not insecurity. A confident average looking girl is much more attractive than an insecure model.

Lolz, if u say so.

[angelsnairwaves]

He's been with you over a year. That says a lot in itself about how he feels about you. Are they still friends? If so, what about their friendship seems threatening to you?

[alwaystryin]

Honey his ex could have been rotten on the inside and once you know that about a person first hand their looks take a backseat. You're being insecure and it seems to be all you... and for what? You're already with him!! You should seriously stop your obsession with her. It is unhealthy and is clogging up all your brain waves and energy that would be better spent investing in your relationship. Unless he's given some indication that he's not that into you, or you have some reason to suspect he has something going on with her (which it seems you don't) you need to stop before you destroy your own relationship. He obviously sees something better in you that she didn't posses. If your boyfriend is happy stop now before your thoughts seep in to words, actions, etc.. that will ultimately destroy your relationship.

[Unimare]

One thing that sticks out to me is him breaking it off with her coz he didnt want a serious relationship. How much time gap was between them breaking up and you guys hooking up? If it wasn't long I would be more worried about him breaking up with me for the same reason.

The gap was a few months short of a year.. We started out dating casually, both aware that neither of us was interested in a serious relationship at the moment. But I think we fell in love and were a good fit, so we quickly became exclusive. I do fear that he hasn't experienced the single life enough, but maybe neither have I... He's so good for me, though. I don't want to risk losing him for good.

Honey his ex could have been rotten on the inside and once you know that about a person first hand their looks take a backseat.

The thing is, she actually does seem like a very sweet, bubbly person. They were so NORMAL together (in my mind's eye), a real textbook romance. I'm more conflicted and twisted and insecure (clearly), and he's really good for me to balance that out. I'm just not sure why I'm good for him. I am really smart and funny, though. Maybe he's hoping that'll rub off on him a bit.
And no, they're not really friends anymore. No hard feelings and they get along fine, just don't really stay in touch (I don't mind!).

So many words of wisdom here, guys. Thanks so much. I feel a bit better already.

[bulrush]

People are attracted to confidence, not insecurity. A confident average looking girl is much more attractive than an insecure model.

Very true for me. I've gotten to know very pretty girls. Once I got to know them I knew they were NOT dating material due to their insecurities.

Anyway, I didn't realize this was your first serious relationship. All kinds of baggage pops up then, I went through it too. My solution was to talk to my gf about it, and she just listened and was very caring, and that helped a lot. We eventually broke up, but we were still friends.

I think if you talked to your bf about this, say twice a week (you don't want to overwhelm him) that might help. You might simply need repetition, like him saying he likes you, not his ex. The other thing is you must realize your emotions are not rational. And they hurt you. They might represent one time when someone really hurt you, but they do not indicate how your boyfriend will act. So they must be dealt with.

Another thing is, young guys are often not good listeners, or they don't understand the importance of listening to a woman's feelings. You can't expect him to be perfect. In the case of him listening to you, lower your expectations a bit, but hope for the best. And train him how to listen to you. Explain exactly what you want.