Is this "stonewalling"??

[SecretlySad]

Whenever there is a problem in our relationship my guy completely shuts me out.

If e.g. I do something to upset him, instead of talking to me about it he gives me the silent treatment. I always give him his time alone thinking after a while he will be ready to talk, but he never does. He continues to ignore me and bites my head off if I even suggest that we need to talk about this.

If I ask him what is wrong he says “I don’t want to talk about it right now” so I say “ok, well when you’re ready, later” and he says “I don’t want to talk about it later, either”.

Then he pretends nothing happened. I don't bother bringing it up again because I know it is going to get me nowhere. ¾ of the time I don't even know what it is I've done because he won’t talk to me, then he gets mad if I don't apologise!

He makes me feel like everything bad in our relationship is my fault. If HE does something to upset ME and I let him know I'm hurt, rather than try and talk it through with me he tells me if I am going to be "cranky" all day then he doesn't want to be around me. I feel like I have to be this robot that's only ever happy and smiling and laughing.

The worst thing about this is if I say to him "you never want to talk about anything" he seems to be shocked, insulted and COMPLETELY denies it.

I have even heard "if you need to talk, go to your sister or best friend, not to him" as advice from other men. They tell me men don’t want to “talk about it. We just want to be left alone”. Call me crazy but I NEED to be able to talk things out with my partner.

I would never suggest couple's counseling - he thinks any sort of counseling is for "crazy people". I'm not sure what else to do.

[pisces25]

That sounds really frustrating and it is unfair on you. A relationship is a partnership and communication is VITAL. How long have you guys been together? I look at it this way. In a relationship each partner has a right to have their needs met. Whether it is good communication, sex, or any other issues, if someone's needs aren't meant it results in resentment, frustration etc. In this case your emotional needs are not met by him. He needs to know how much this is affecting you and how his inability to talk about things is making you feel. If he doesn't then you need to consider whether you can carry on in the relationship. As for other men saying you need to talk to others well that is just bullshit and its a cop out. And saying counselling is for crazy people is extremely narrow-minded and quite contradictory actually. In any case, you need to somehow make him realise how much this issue is affecting you and the relationship. But if he won't even be open to talk about that who knows? Can't say I would hang around long in that situation TBH. A relationship without good communication is doomed to fail.

[IndiReloaded]

It sounds like stonewalling to me. One of the '4 horsemen' death knells of a relationship. How long have you been together? Counselling is only likely to help if there is some investment in a longterm relationship.

[angelsnairwaves]

I had the same exact problem with my boyfriend. We'd been together for four years- on and off. I brought up something that was upsetting me a week ago and I still haven't heard back from him. I'm done. If I hear back from him, I'm not going to respond. This has happened way too many times. You HAVE to be able to talk about issues in any relationship. Either he needs to grow up, or you need to find someone who already understands this. Or your relationship will likely end up where mine is. Even if you give in to him and decide to let issues go, resentment will build up like it did with me. You will eventually blow up at him causing a huge fight. It's a lose-lose situation unless he decides to change. It may require counseling- if he can change his opinion about that. That's the ONLY way I'd even CONSIDER getting back with my boyfriend.

[MerryH]

The worst thing about this is if I say to him "you never want to talk about anything" he seems to be shocked, insulted and COMPLETELY denies it.

Well, don't say it like that. Those "you never" or "you always" arguments are tedious and annoying, to me at least.

But you are right, the way he handles problems is really unfair. I mean, this is like basic relationship stuff. Actually, it's just basic human interaction stuff. You don't punish (silent treatment) someone for something they did or did not do wrong and then not even tell them why it's happening. And then he gets mad that you won't apologize?! That's just...no. It can't work.

Would he listen to reason? "Yo, it's not fair that you give me the silent treatment when you're mad at me. I need to know if something bothers you so that I can work on maybe not doing it again. Also, I'm not digging the punishment aspect of this." Say that, verbatim. No, wait, don't.

[bulrush]

I'm sorry this is so tough for you, but he's wrong for not talking about it. You're right. He just isn't mature enough to see that.

1. If e.g. I do something to upset him, instead of talking to me about it he gives me the silent treatment.
2. He makes me feel like everything bad in our relationship is my fault.
3. The worst thing about this is if I say to him "you never want to talk about anything" he seems to be shocked, insulted and COMPLETELY denies it.
4. Call me crazy but I NEED to be able to talk things out with my partner. (You're right.)
5. he thinks any sort of counseling is for "crazy people".

These are all red flags as communication between people in a relationship is CRITICAL for it to work. No communication = no relationship. The question is, will you recognize that and get out now, when it's less painful, or later, when it's more painful?

Many of us have been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Think about this before deciding. Can you really change him? He sounds very close-minded in inflexible. How long do you think this can last with him acting like a 4 year old? Seriously.

[pisces25]

How long have you been together?

[devonbrown]

No communication = no relationship.

bulrush is actually 100% on the money here. The two of you are not having problems with fighting about things. You two are having problems because you can't talk to each other. And people who say that no man wants to talk are just perpetuating a stereotype that is simply not true.

If your relationship is going to advance and grow, you two need to find a way to communicate with each other. If he is unwilling to do that, it might be time to move on.

Couples counseling might be a good thing here, as you two can learn better communication methods. But if he is so set in the way he thinks about that, then it might already be beating on a dead horse (i.e. your relationship).

Good luck.

[LdFilip]

Some people just need a "punch in the face"...

[SecretlySad]

Thanks for your responses, guys.

I am embarrassed to say I have been tolerating this behaviour for over 7 years now.

Angelsnairwaves I am sorry to hear about your situation as well

Well, don't say it like that. Those "you never" or "you always" arguments are tedious and annoying, to me at least.

Would he listen to reason? "Yo, it's not fair that you give me the silent treatment when you're mad at me. I need to know if something bothers you so that I can work on maybe not doing it again. Also, I'm not digging the punishment aspect of this."

I have tried all of this. The last time we had a disagreement/argument was over something he thought he’d heard me say. Turns out he had heard wrong, yet still had no problem ignoring me for a day. When I finally asked him what was wrong and let him know I hadn’t said what he thought I did, I didn’t get much of an apology. Now if the shoe was on the other foot, he’d still be punishing me with snide remarks now.

I sat him down and calmly told him that if he thinks I have said something to offend/upset him, he needs to let me know, he can’t just shut me out like he just had. I said we need to be able to talk about things.

I thought he was really listening to me. He was quiet and seemed to be really taking it all in, until after I had finished telling him how I felt he said “Are you done? Are you done making me feel like shit?”.

I am a very calm person. I don’t yell or scream or name call or anything like that. If someone yells at me I hate it, it scares me. I become a little girl again. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. If I was to dare do any of these things to him he’d be outraged. HE on the other hand seems to think it’s ok to yell, point his finger in my face and totally shut me out.

[pisces25]

7 years? No wonder you are fed up. I doubt after all this time he is going to change. Particularly if he isn't interested in counselling. He sounds very manipulative. He is emotionally abusing you.

I would be seriously considering whether I want to waste anymore time on this guy. There are plenty of guys out there that do now how to communicate and will treat you as you deserve.

[SecretlySad]

He sounds very manipulative. He is emotionally abusing you.

I have asked about this topic a lot of times on a lot of forums. It always comes back to THIS!

Please understand that it is not as easy as "just" leaving. The man has some wonderful points too, and we have such a history together. My family adores him and I adore his family. There is a lot to let go of. I want to leave. Oh believe me I do. I dream of a life without him.

Wow... that's the first time I've ever said that out loud.

[bcgirl]

everyone deals with issues differently. When i fight with my husband, i want to talk right after and get it all out and then kiss and make-up immediately and forget about the stupid fight. My husband is the complete opposite. He needs his alone time to allow himself to digest the fight. He doesn't want to talk about it immediately and prefers to get through his feelings on his own until he has re-couped himself and his emotions to talk. Sometimes it takes a long time for him to get his mood up again. Until then, it's a waiting game for whenever he is ready to make-up. The worst thing i can do is try to talk to him when he is not in the mood, it will just stir the pot again. Some people just need their space sometimes.

I dream of a life without him.

there is your answer. A princess who's found her prince charming and wants to spend forever together doesn't have these thoughts. I was with my ex the same amount of time you are with your boyfriend. Yes it's tough to just break-up. You two have history, his family has become yours and vice versa, you share mutual friends etc. etc. etc. the list can go on. I used to dream of a life without my ex boyfriend too. The thought of knowing that people's personalities do not change as much as you hope your spouse would change, i knew I had to break up with my ex. I did and have met my prince charming. My husband now is that man i've been dreaming of when I was with my ex boyfriend... sometimes fairy tales can come true, it just depends on if you want it

[pisces25]

SS,

It is as easy as just leaving him. You are displaying typical signs of someone who has suffered abuse, that is, justifying why you should stay. Trust me, I have been there. I don't mean to sound harsh I am just being honest. Leaving is quite simple. It is called making a choice and deciding that you are worth more than what this man offers. If he agrees to counselling then maybe there is hope, if not, then ask yourself if you really want to waste another 7 years going through this?

[SecretlySad]

Leaving is quite simple.

Not exactly.

I live with him – at HIS house (a stupid lovestruck decision made by me many years ago).

I have a LOT of stuff that will take a LOT of time to pack up, including a lot of furniture. I wish I could just take a suitcase and leave, but it looks like it is going to be a horribly painful and long experience. Every time I look at all the stuff I have it makes me depressed at how long it will take to get out of there.

He of course, having the nasty streak that he does, wouldn’t make it a nice experience for me either. He would tell me not to pack my stuff up when he wasn’t there because he thinks I might steal something (he knows I wouldn’t, but he gets very mean when he’s hurt). The minute I ended it all rights I had in the house would be gone. It would be HIS again, not OURS. I don’t want to get anyone else involved.

I know that a few weeks of pain is nothing in comparison to an unhappy lifetime.