Am I overreacting?

[elphie]

So I posted a couple days ago about my boyfriend wanting me to move in with him. I brought up my reasons for not wanting to, as well as why right now it wouldn't be feasible even if I did want to. I told him that I didn't want a trial run of living together, that I wanted to wait until I got married before moving in with a guy. He said he didn't see moving in together as a trial run. That it seemed to make sense because we might both be looking for places to live soon. He wants to buy a place cause he's tired of renting so he's in a big rush to buy something. But he said he doesn't want to buy a one or two bedroom only to have to buy a three or four bedroom soon after. He'd prefer to just buy a bigger place from the start, though it would be tight budget wise if he did, though if I was living there too I could help contribute and it would be more doable.

Another thing we talked about was he was angry at me for considering moving in with a friend who lived an additional 20 minutes away (a back-up plan in case I couldn't find anything else on a limited budget which is a very real possibility), so he said we'd hardly see each other. But the last couple of months he's been talking about moving to a places that are almost an additional hour away, to to mention all the extra train fares getting there (mostly an issue because I don't make that much right now...I walk to work to save money on train fare because it's a huge added expense right now...and these fares would be that much more). So I thought that me moving a little further away seemed like a moot point when where he was looking to move to would add on an extra hour anyway.

Additionally, the same places he's looking at, even if we did move in together, would make it so I couldn't work or would have to work significantly more hours to just cover all the extra train fare to get there. And I'd most likely have to give up my freelance work, which I've been trying to build over the last couple of years and has been going fairly well, but it takes time and lots of hard work, two things I'd be losing.

Anyway, talking with him about all this has left me more frustrated about everything. While he has good intentions, I'm not sure that he really gets the full impact of what moving will have on me and my career though I tried explaining it to him. Also, while he has good intentions for wanting me to move in with him, I'm bothered by the fact that his main motivation for why we should is because he really wants to buy, doesn't want to go through the hassle of selling and buying a larger place, and wanting help to pay for the place he choses to buy, and not because simply he wants to live with me. It's been bothering me that I feel like he doesn't respect my decision to not move in till after marriage, particularly since his reasoning is not even for a trial run or to test stuff out; he said he doesn't need that. So while there are other reasons (i.e. he wants to spend time with me), his main motivation is monetary.

He's been really pushing me to reconsider moving in with him. It's one thing for me to give up everything for someone I'm married to, but it's something else for someone I'm dating. I'd be moving to a place of his picking because he already knows areas he wants to move to (same far away places mentioned above), I'd have to quit my freelance work (something I've worked hard on for 4 years) or possibly not have enough coming in to pay my bills (a lot of my jobs and clients would be lost because of moving out of the area). And not to be pessimistic, but if it doesn't end up working out, then I'd also be the one who has to move again, and restart everything, again.

I'm just not sure what to do right now. So I thought getting other perspectives might help. Am I overreacting/reading too much into things? Why am I in the wrong for not wanting to move in with him or anyone till I'm married, or at least engaged? We'll probably talk about all of this again very soon, though I still need some time to recover from our last discussion of all this.

[alwaystryin]

How long have you been together? How old are you both? And while I don't think there's anything wrong with living together, buying property and investing when you're not married is an ENTIRELY different issue. Sounds like he's got it all planned out and he's annoyed that your messing up his plan, instead of making decisions that would make you both happy since oh.. I don't know.. he's in a relationship with you?! Maybe he should marry the house. Maybe he should marry you before he decides where your hard earned money should go. You're obviously mature enough to know the value of living within your own means... he doesn't seem to be respecting that or how important your work is to you at all. What's next? Barefoot & pregnant in the kitchen? Is that why your money and your work has little meaning to him? Sorry to be a bit of a smart ass, but there's no history here, so that's all I can say based on your post. These are not decisions one should be pushed into making.

[alwaystryin]

Oh. So to answer your question you are DEFINITELY not over reacting. Your life, wants, needs, etc. are no less important than his and shouldn't be ignored as a non issue.

[devonbrown]

You have told him your concerns and he countered with his own reasoning. Fair and fair. Now you have to make a decision which is right for you. His reasoning is selfish, but in a way that is okay because they are his reasons. Your reasons are selfish for you because they are your reasons.

The thing of it is, you have to ultimately do what is best for you. You have a career you are thinking about as well, not to mention your moral objections to living with someone before marriage. He sounds like he is trying to be rational for his choices, and his monetary choices are a big thing for him. So he is looking out for his future and you are looking out for your future. I think that neither of you should give up what would be best for either of you. I would say you do what is best for you. And he does what is best for him. And then you two can decide whether your relationship is still viable with your new living situations.

Good luck.

[alwaystryin]

@Devon - I agree with your last 3 sentences.. but I think in this case he's being a lot more selfish than her (again, from what I know, not much background) If affecting her job, her finances and her beliefs are not as important as his own financial motives for wanting to buy, that's sounds like anything but fair. Shouldn't he care that she'd have to give up 4 years of hard work that is obviously important to her?

@elphie - Also, have you discussed whether or not you want to have the number of children required to fill all those spare bedrooms?? I wouldn't say you're WRONG for not wanting to live with him before marriage, but you could be duping yourself out of the opportunity to decide whether or not you CAN live with him. Why wait until you're married, invested and a mom before you figure out you made a mistake? Is that a morally correct thing to do to your kids? (not that it's the case, just playing devil's advocate on your stance..).

[elphie]

We've been together a year now. I'm 26 and he's 30. The extra bedrooms aren't for kids, though that is something we haven't talked about yet either. He wants an office space, which is why he'd be looking at 2 bedrooms. For my freelance work, I work from home and need studio space, which is why he'd be looking at a three bedroom. Maybe not so much of a 4-bedroom (wasn't thinking about it at the time, but we'd be sharing a room).

The other thing with buying is that it would be his place, I would be paying him rent every month to help out. I feel like it's one thing if we're married and sharing resources, but just dating, I wouldn't have as much say and that it would be less of a partnership, or that's how I would feel anyway. And if that's a pattern we got into while dating/living together, even if we got married someday, if would be difficult to break a pattern like that. Not impossible, but learned habits are definitely harder to break.

He's been talking about buying for the last 10 months...pretty much since he moved into his lastest apartment. He had everything planned out for what he wanted to do and where he wanted to live once he moved. It wasn't until the last two or three weeks when he brought up me living with him as an idea that I was even somewhat sure that he was considering me a tiny bit when he planned to move. Before that, all his talks were about him moving out of the area.

It just really bothers me that he's so focused on buying, buying, buying. I don't quite get the rush. I mean I understand that he wants to own; there's nothing wrong with that. But would it really be so bad to either wait a little longer since he is in a relationship, or to go ahead and buy for his needs now so he's happy and then buy bigger later if he needs to? I feel like his buying a house/apartment is more important to him than I am. Again, he was angry at me for considering moving an extra 15-20 minutes away because the apartment I'm living in now isn't working out so well anymore (issues with mold and the landlord not fixing stuff, so I'm more being forced to move for health reasons and peace of mind). He said that we wouldn't get to see each other as much and that it would have a negative impact on our relationship. What does he think will happen if he moves an hour away? It will take me 1.5-2 hours to go see him where he is looking to move or 1.5-2 hours for him to see me, versus the 45 minutes to an hour it currently takes or could take if I move. Plus the extra expenses. At least my move wouldn't cost any extra. But he never said anything about us not being able to see each other as much with him moving, which seems even more likely. This makes me think in his mind it's ok for him to move because he wants to buy and have a nice place, but it's not ok for me to; that'll we'll figure something out and make things work if he's moving, but he won't be willing to put in extra effort if I'm moving (not with him).

[elphie]

I have to say the whole thing has me very frustrated, upset, stressed. It's also made me reconsider my relationship. I realize that moving in together and then eventually possibly getting married is the norm these days. But it seems to me that not wanting to do that should be acceptable too, especially since I explained to him my reasons, including not wanting to move in before marriage, so it's not just that I'm a commitment-phobe or something. And for me, another reason is that someone not pushing me into something I don't believe in/don't want to do is respecting me and my beliefs. In a sense it's a good indicator of how things will be later in the relationship too.

[alwaystryin]

I get the same feeling that the house is his priority. Why doesn't he just buy his big house and have a male roommate pay him rent? There is no good reason for you to put money into his future if you don't know for sure you'll be a part of it (or want to). It makes no sense at all. Are you supplemental income or the woman he loves? You guys need to lay it out that your ideas for the future are not meshing. If neither of you are willing to compromise then you both have more important priorities right now than the relationship.

[elphie]

He wants to buy because he doesn't want anymore roommates.

That's my thinking too and part of what bothers me. His main reason seems to be the supplemental income. I think that's why I've been so upset about everything to the point that right now he's the last person I want to see.

Thanks for all the feedback. Meant to say it before, but got sidetracked with responding.

[Cerby]

So the financial part of it, as he has never owned before and the bigger the place the higher the cost. . .has he even been pre-approved for that kind of cash? I'm not sure what the real-estate market is like where you live, but everyone I know has always bought small and then moved up a few years later. I've never heard of someone buying big just because they don't want to move. . .

[bulrush]

OP, your points are valid. You are not overreacting. He is ready to get a bigger place, you are not. No one is wrong here. But you do have different opinions/timelines. The fact that he doesn't understand your point of view tells me he is not very mature. And his immature may cause major problems down the line as decisions become bigger. Which is why I say one must live together before getting married.

Also, my opinion is people should live together for a year before getting married. But DO NOT buy a house until you are married. You need to know if his little quirks are going to annoy the sh*t out of you first.

[bcgirl]

Although I do believe that couples should do a test drive and live together before marriage is a very good idea...it has to be in the right timing for both partners. You two only been together for a year....he shouldn't be assuming that you'll move into whatever house he decides on buying. This can cause so many problems. If he is at a point in his life where he wants to buy a house....then he should buy a house for himself. He probably knows he can't do this buying a house thing on his own....he doesn't have that kind of income, he'll need your help. If your not feeling comfortable with it, don't do it.