How do i tell her im gay?

[TinyDancer]

So hear it goes! To begin with, I have been a bisexuall in the closet for as long as i can remember, and recently i have discover that im actually full blown gay. Nobody knows about this, not my parents, not my friends, no one. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago i met this girl, we started out as friends, mostly hanging out at her apartment playing nintendo and watching anime. At the time she had a boyfriend so I never really had to worry about things getting weird.

Well, about a month later she broke up with her boyfriend and started hangig out with me a lot more than before. Then one faithful night when we were both drunk she tried to kiss me, and stupid as I am, I thought I would try to kiss her back just to see if I would enjoy it as i once used to, I did not.
Little did i know that she thought this was a way bigger thing than just an innocent kiss. Now she kind of think we are a couple and i constantly have to avoid getting into intimate situations, feeling disgusted when we occasionally kiss and routinely lie to her face. I truly and deeply hate myself for leading her on and i can hardly belive im in this messed up situation. I have to tell her the truth.

But if I tell her the truth there is a pretty big chance that everybody i know eventually will find out and im so not ready for that. But I don't want to simply "dump" her either, she just had her heart broken by this other guy and i guess i like her to much as a friend to do the same thing.


So what i want to know is basicly what poison i should pick, do i tell her that im gay and hope that she wont tell anyone and still be my friend? Should i just dump her and disappear which would probably destroy her? Will she feel better about being left if she knows im gay?
Sorry if i don't make any sence (Swedish) or even know how this will help? I guess i just need to tell somebody about my somewhat ****ed up life.

[Cerby]

you met her a couple of weeks ago and a month later she broke up with her boyfriend. I'm not even concerned about the issue, I want your time machine!

Back to your issue...Just be a man about it and tell her you don't see it going anywhere. Don't "Dump her and disappear". Just "dump her". You don't even consider it a relationship, so she has misunderstood the whole thing anyways.

[devonbrown]

If you don't want to come out to her, then do what Cerby suggests, just correct the misunderstanding about the relationship. Let her know that you are not looking to date anyone right now and you didn't mean to lead her on. Tell her that you think it is best that you remain only friends with her.

On a broader note though, you need to learn to be comfortable in yourself. It is great that you have learned about who you are, but you still are not comfortable with it. Here is the biggest piece of advice I can give you - Give yourself a break. You don't need to torture yourself.

Good luck!

[bcgirl]

I hope one day you will find the courage to tell your friends and family that you are gay. Till then....just tell her that you don't want to be romantic with her and that you just want to be her friend (this is the truth). Yah, it might hurt her feelings....but it's way better than leading her on. This is the first step to standing up for yourself, because once you are out of the closet..... you will be having to stand up for yourself everyday of your life...so get used to it. Be strong and confident and don't wimp out. If you are scared to hurt her feelings.....you will hurt a lot more feelings of people you love more once you are out of the closet.

[bluesummer]

Just tell her you're not ready for a relationship right now. Do it as gently as possible, but you can't be more concerned about her than your own self and your feelings. I can't imagine being forced to stay in a relationship that I wasn't into at all because I was worried about the other person's feelings. You matter too, you know. She's the one who is attmepting to jump right back into relationship after getting out of one....she needs to learn a little lesson in how NOT to deal with a breakup. She never gave herself proper time to heal.

I'm not trying to say be selfish, but this is not healthy for either of you right now. Get out as soon as possible.

[jb1111983]

I agree with other posters that you need to end this thing with her as soon as possible without hopefully losing the friendship. Tell her you don't see her that way and just want to be friends. Don't lead her on any longer or else its gonna get more difficult for you to end it and she'll be more hurt. One of my female friends was in a relationship with a guy she thought was the one for her. She was devasated when the guy told her he was gay and was in the relationship hoping maybe he'd turn straight one day. Their breakup happened 2 years ago and I think she still isnt fully over it yet. So end it now before it gets really bad. Do it in the nicest way possible.

And I hope one day you'll tell her and your friends about your real sexuality and not be too umfortable with it.