Broken Trust

[hopelessly123]

First of all, I want to start off saying that not once did I ever tell my boyfriend he couldn't/shouldn't look at porn......

We started dating almost 2 years ago, and he told me "I'm so satisfied by you in every way, I'm not even going to watch porn..." he brought it up, he made the promise, I told him it was unrealistic and didn't have to make that kind of gesture, but he assured me he wouldn't.

Almost a 2 full years later he is showing something to me on his phone, and accidentally shows me his porn collection.

For 2 years, he lied to me...told me how fulfilled he was, how perfect he thought I was, and told me he hadn't looked at porn since before we started seeing each other.

When he got caught in his own lies, he confessed that he had been looking at porn all along, and was hiding it from me by deleting his web history on his computer, or just using his phone.

I mean, yes, it hurts that he told me he wouldn't because he was satisfied by me...because it makes it seem like he's not

but WORSE, is the fact that he's been lying about it, and covering it up, and just has been so sneaky and conniving about the whole thing.

now I just feel like he has not only the ability but the nerve to lie to me about any little thing, and I really feel the trust is broken

I get it. all guys look at porn..........but the lies, the lies kill me

am I overreacting?

[smackie9]

Just ask him point blank, what was the point to even hiding it when you told him it wasn't necessary to even promise such a thing...wtf?

[smackie9]

You are right tho, if he was so convincing about not looking a porn, what else has he been so "convincingly" honest about? Get back to him, obviously this conversation isn't finished yet.

[hopelessly123]

He said he was embarrassed about watching porn, because he considers it shameful .....

It probably borderlined on addiction.

I just don't know what to think, he's a skillful liar....it is definitely unnerving

Thanks for your feedback :/

[devonbrown]

He might not be that skillful of a liar. He made the promise to you early on, and he probably meant it. But when he violated it, he might have felt embarrassed and didn't want to bring it up since it made him look weak. I say cut him a break. There is nothing you haven't told him during your time together? I wouldn't make this situation a referendum on your whole relationship.

Good luck.

[bcgirl]

well the worst part is that he lied to you and made himself seem so convincing, when he didn't have to lie and you never really asked him about it nor cared. I can understand if you told him that you find it disgusting and he would feel ashamed and embarrassed to admit he watched porn....but the fact that you said it was unrealistic if he didn't, it should have made it easier for him to be honest to you. If he is capable of lying about this little thing, i can only imagine what bigger things he has hidden from u.

[bombboy85]

To the OP, out of curiosity did the subject of porn watching come up since that promise very often? Because if it didn't there was really no reason for him to bring it up and as someone said it could be he was embarrassed and even if not I know that it's not really common conversation for someone to go up to their girlfriend and tell em about the porn that they watched. Unless it's a common conversation piece in your relationship him openly bringing up porn to you is like him openly bringing up the morning dump he took. I know crappy analogy (and pun haha) but that's about the level of conversation I would put porn in when talking to a SO.

[smackie9]

Off the mark people....this convo isn't really about porn or the need to openly discussing it. It's about lying....and the fact that there was absolutely no need for it. She showed to him at the beginning of their relationship that she is open to honest communication, kudos for her....it's him that didn't see the importance of what she was trying to do and now has made her think twice about how open and honest he really is as a person.

[hopelessly123]

Devon...he basically told me the same thing, he made a promise he couldn't keep and was embarrassed to admit it....

but I told him, that I didn't know ANY man that didn't watch porn, and I didn't expect him to be that one guy who didn't....I made it clear he didn't have to, nor should he make any kind of promise like that

I guess he figured once he broke the promise, the best way to move on was to cover it up

but he went through great lengths to hide this from me, my main concern is not that he is a man that watches porn, my concern is that he kept it from me for so long, and that he had no problem lying to my face

the topic of porn did not come up often, but he did tell me at least a few times that he was still keeping his promise...

it's hard for me to understand why he felt the need to lie about it.....I just don't get it

guys....? what's up with that...? I'm confused....maybe he just wanted to portray himself as a perfectly loyal boyfriend, but no one is perfect, especially not someone with a bunch of lies under their belt

[searock]

Have you told him that you aren't sure you can trust him anymore after he's been lying to you the whole time, on something so insignificant? Ask him if there is anything else he is hiding from you for whatever reason.

[steviej]

Talk about blowing things out of proportion!
He got carried away at the start and promised something he realised wasn't possible to keep.
Rather than risk hurting your feelings by saying 'oh i broke my promise last night and fapped to porn' he told a white lie to spare your feelings.
It got found out, as lies often do. It's all backfired on him, lesson learned, don't make too big a drama out of it.

[smackie9]

Just chalk it up as him being inexperience with relationships and a need of some growing up.

[smackie9]

Talk about blowing things out of proportion!
He got carried away at the start and promised something he realised wasn't possible to keep.
Rather than risk hurting your feelings by saying 'oh i broke my promise last night and fapped to porn' he told a white lie to spare your feelings.
It got found out, as lies often do. It's all backfired on him, lesson learned, don't make too big a drama out of it.

You are not getting it...this isn't a little white lie, oops busted a week or so later......he worked this thing for 2 frickin years....why even bother? She was open about it in the first place, so there is no fear of hurt feelings...the guy is an idiot.....he has done more damage lying to her....remember the porn deal is not a big deal to her.....it's not about the porn....it's about the effort he put into lying for the last two years.

[bcgirl]

Talk about blowing things out of proportion!
He got carried away at the start and promised something he realised wasn't possible to keep.
Rather than risk hurting your feelings by saying 'oh i broke my promise last night and fapped to porn' he told a white lie to spare your feelings.
It got found out, as lies often do. It's all backfired on him, lesson learned, don't make too big a drama out of it.

I understand little white lies like telling your teacher the dog ate your homework. But this is a lie to his own girlfriend whom he "loves" and loving relationships are based on trust. The fact that he covered up his porn habit for a long time, took great lengths to hide evidence, and lied proved that it wasn't just a little fib. He would have continued lying till the day he gets caught red handed. Imagine if he did something really bad....like got drunk at a bar and made out with some chick just once.... i doubt he would come rushing home to tell his girlfriend. He would have kept this secret even more hidden. It just proves that he doesn't really feel guilty for his actions, the mentality of "if she doesn't know, it won't hurt her"

[hopelessly123]

I told him it's going to be insanely hard for me to ever trust him again, and also mentioneda that I found it alarming that his guilt never led him to confess.

He said that he didn't think that what he was doing was that big of a deal because "it's normal "or "everybody does it"

I HATE THAT EXCUSE!

anyway ....he knows he messed up pretty bad, and is definitely experiencing some guilt now, and is trying to fix things...

The other thing that bothers me now is that in the beginning of our relationship he also said that he would never cheat on me....and now I'm questioning that...

I'm so glad to be on the same page as a lot of you...I'm genuinely touched by you taking time out of your day to help me work through this, so thank you all

Still don't know what I'm gonna do though....he put me in a bad situation, which puts him in a bad situation, because I can't imagine someone feeling these feelings of doubt about me