How to keep an interested girl... interested?

[Marcus92]

Hey, everybody. It's been more than a month since my last breakup with a girl I truly had feeling for. I thought about her almost every day since then, constantly feeling remorseful over my perceived failure. I dated this girl (Let's call her Susan) for a month, after we had an intimate encounter the first night we met. I thought I was using appropriate dating "etiquette," e.g., not being clingy, not acting insecure, etc. However, Susan eventually dumped me because she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She said she liked me so much as a friend, and of course that was pretty devastating for me to hear. I knew that somewhere along that line, I compromised her attraction to me as a lover, and relegated myself to the status of a "friend." I don't know what I did, and I'll probably never find out what I did, but there was something about my personality that made her lose her attraction to me. And it hurt me so much to lose her, because I had genuinely fallen for her. We are on good terms, but of course I know not to reveal how hurt I am.

A month has passed, and I've now become romantically interested in a friend of hers, who I'll refer to as Sarah. We've known each other as acquaintances since the beginning of the semester. Initially, I didn't really pay too much attention to Sarah, but I meet her a week ago at a party. We talked for a long time and we ended up dancing the way people my age do. I was, as per usual, drunk, and I wanted to kiss her. Sarah did a very mature thing and said she wanted to wait, and instead we ended up talking until nearly three in the morning.

We briefly saw each other during the week, but it was not until Friday that we went on an actual date. It was just a conversation over coffee and a walk around campus, but Sarah and I ended up making out on our walk. I feel so happy with myself now, because now I no longer keep thinking about my past failed relationship. I now think about Sarah, and I can look forward to the future. However, I'm scared, and this leads me to ask all of you for advice.

I really want to keep this Sarah attracted to me, and I know right now that she sincerely is. Our mutual friends have informed me that Sarah really likes me and she has stated this herself. But I'm afraid that my own securities will be my downfall. No girl wants to be in a relationship with a guy who's insecure about himself. I realize that now, but I just feel that the way I naturally act really brings out my faults. I can't help that I sometimes hesitate, occasionally can't find the right words when I'm nervous, and I can act a little clingy. But I don't want to get hurt again. What can I do to keep her attracted to me? Should I make myself elusive, and act with a cavalier demeanor? Should I stop by where she studies in the library every day to see how she's doing? I just don't know the right way to approach this, especially when whatever I did in the last relationship caused it to crumble apart.

This link epitomizes the kind of conflict I'm worried about: [URL="http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml"]Why insecurity is a huge turnoff [/URL]

[smackie9]

Attraction is not just about how you act...it's called chemistry. The first girl didn't feel anything for you because she didn't feel a spark. That is no fault of yours, it's just the way interaction is. This other girl does feel something for you so stop wrrying about it and enjoy the attraction. Play it kool a little, flirt, then divert your attention away from her a little....push and pull method......just make sure you don't make yourself way too available to her or be a doormat. It will be ok....relax will ya...

[MerryH]

Maybe you're not ready to date anyone. It kind of sounds like you were obsessing over your ex, and now that you've met this new person, you've just transferred the obsessive thoughts to her. It's not really healthy, especially since you've only been on one date with her so far. I'm guessing you still haven't gotten over your ex. Consider cutting ties with her for the time being. Being her friend isn't going to help you.

And you are right, insecurity is not attractive, but let's face it - you are insecure. No matter how much you try to hide that, it's going to seep out in one way or another. Take a break from dating until you can relax and be confident and understand that yes, you are going to get hurt sometimes because that's just the nature of relationships so you can say, "Screw it, I'm not going to worry and I'm just going to see what happens with this one."