A mess Part I: Age difference - now and later

[thelazydogsback]

I was in a four year relationship with someone who is 14 years older than I am - I'm 45. (Now, she looks awfully good for her age -- to me she seems younger in most ways than my last GF who was my age.) The relationship was mostly effortless, we never fought and there was no drama, and we had some important things in common. Though she's not as educated as I'd like, mostly it hasn't bothered me as much as I thought, at least so far.

Even though the age difference isn't a huge issue at the moment - I'm really worried about when I'm 56 and she's 70, etc. - that seems like it's going to be really hard.

Due to worries of the age difference (and to part II, upcoming - an affair and subsequent and ongoing obsession with someone who is completely unavailable) I had her move out of my place after 4 years. But were so good when we're togther, and we keep up ending back togther because I'm too weak to really let her go - if in fact that is what I should do.

Am I selfish to be worried about the practicality of the age difference? Should I not worry about the future so much now? She's the sweetest person I've ever met, and the last thing I want is to hurt her again in the future, which I'm afraid I could do. But I really miss her in my life...
Any advice or experience appreciated

[MerryH]

Am I selfish to be worried about the practicality of the age difference?

No. It's a legitimate concern.

She's the sweetest person I've ever met, and the last thing I want is to hurt her again in the future, which I'm afraid I could do.

But surely you've already been hurting her with the back-and-forth breakup/get back together cycle.



What is this Part I, Part II business? Just post the whole thing so people can give you relevant advice based on the complete story.

[HeartIsAching]

It's a valid concern.

I'm 42, my wife's 47. I wonder what's going to happen down the road. I've got the constitution of an ox, my wife does not. I smoke and drink, my wife smokes off and on and drinks lightly. What will happen? I make her ride in front of me when we're out on the bicycles, so if someone gets hit by a car, it's me. I know it's selfish, but I can't bear the thought of living without her.

I have a friend who was married to a woman 10 years his senior. It wasn't an issue when he was 30 and she was 40... but she died at 60, an alcoholic smoker with emphysema and a heart condition that wouldn't give up drinking or smoking (yes, I see the irony) and it had been an issue for years by then. Poor guy felt guilty about feeling relieved.

So who had the affair? That makes a huge difference in how I reply to this.

[SecretlySad]

I am 29 and my boyfriend is 46 (17 year age difference). We started dating when I was 21 and he was 38.

Even in the early days I started noticing problems with the age difference. At 23 I would still be going to parties for friend’s 21st birthdays, and he’d be saying to me “those kids don’t want a 40 year old man there” so he wouldn’t come with me.

I still like going out and partying. Up until about 5 years ago so did he. Now he is “over it” and I spend 100% of nights out with friends, sans my boyfriend.

We wanted to take a holiday tour last year but the cut off age of people who can go on the tour is 35 – 11 years older than he is, so we couldn’t do that.

Just all those little things make a huge difference. I used to believe “age is just a number” too, now I think that’s a load of crap.