Don't know where to go from here?

[Wantsherlove]

I need help desperately with my relationship!
I am a 20-something woman and have been in a relationship with another woman for almost 6 years. She is significantly older than me. I love her very deeply and can honestly say that I have never felt for anyone the way I do her. I can also say that I believe she loves me very much. The problem is that...well there are lots of problems, I just don't know where to go from here. I consider to be mature for my age and always have been and for the first 4 years of our relationship everything was fantastic! We agreed on absolutely everything, enjoyed each others company, had fun together, and sex was fabulous; I felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life with her and had no doubt about it! We have gone through several hardships especially those of a financial matter. We bought a mobile home together 4 years ago and have 6 dogs (what we both consider to be our 'children').

She hasn't worked in a long time and at first this didn't bother me, but recently I decided to go back to school (which she supported) but she still hasn't made the effort to get a job! We have always been poor I guess you would say but we've always made it work, but now we can't even pay the bills and she doesn't seem to care! She also drinks a lot, which again never bothered me until a) we can't afford it anymore. b) it's become a necessity for her. c) I don't like her when she's been drinking. When I mention how I feel it gets turned around somehow and becomes a fight (so I've figured that I just ignore her and go to bed early when she decides to drink). She also has severe social anxiety; she won't even leave the house to go to the grocery store unless she has been drinking. I try to motivate her and be supportive of her problems but I also need that in return. I feel like she is selfish and does not care about me or my well-being, in fact the only thing she expresses any care for is our dogs; literally she gives them more attention than me, and if I don't show them the same amount of attention that she does, she considers me to be a 'bad mom'...which for the record I know I don't have the same amount of patience as she does but I do love them very much...moving on...

Our love life is gone (intimacy 3 times in the last year). I don't only blame her for that. I am guilty of not being romantic or spontaneous anymore. But she won't even kiss me goodnight anymore. It just feels like we are roommates now. She is still my best friend and we still laugh and can have a good time. I try to communicate with her but she never wants to talk unless she is drunk which really irks me. When I know something is bothering her, it's impossible to get her to talk about it. This entire email sounds like a rant and me complaining how she is to blame for everything; however that is not the case. I have a very short temper. I get frustrated very easily and very often she gets the brunt of it. I know sometimes I can be hard to put up with. I can be lazy sometimes. I hate doing dishes and I don't cook.

With that said there are also things that I love about her! She has an awesome sense of humor (when no alcohol is involved). I can talk to her about anything (aside from anything that involves our relationship). She is not controlling and feels that I am capable of making smart decisions. I am very comfortable with her. She tells me I am beautiful with no make-up, in sweats and a t-shirt, and my hair greasy in a pony-tail and means it. I still think she is a wonderful person inside and out. I just feel like our relationship is at a stand still. She is content with the way things are, but I am not. I want to do things, go places, meet new people, and I want to do all that with her, but she doesn't! I don't want to say that age is a problem, but a few people have told me that we are at different places in our lives and I should move on. But it's not that simple for me. I am very committed and invested in our relationship and have a lot to lose if I decided to leave. Part of me wants to leave but the other is telling me to tough it out and to stop being selfish.

I also partly feel sorry for her. If I were to leave I think she would go off the deep end (and that's not just me arrogant; believe me I have plenty of flaws) She is depressed. She has no friends. When we first got together she had a small group that she partied with but they have diminished as time went on. She will be 40 soon. She is very insecure about herself ( I think she is beautiful and deserves the world when she puts forth the effort). I almost feel like she would just totally give up on life if I left. I am the only reason she does anything, because I push her to do things. She has also stated to me that she feels like she 'wasted' her life away...she says she hasn't done anything with herself...that she has nothing to show for herself (no car, no nice house, no money, no friends, no job). I don't necessarily agree with her, but I understand why she feels this way; however when I decided to go back to college, I suggested that she do the same since she wasn't working anyway. She was completely on board with this, until she hit a bump in the road and that was it. It was just too much, and she gave up. I don't understand how you could just give up. For me, if I want to succeed I'll do whatever it takes. I try to be positive and optimistic with our future but everyday it just seems darker and darker. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I am a strong and smart woman. I am trying to get through school to better myself and she supports me but doesn't want to better herself...or at least isn't trying to. I just need advice on what I should do. Should I try to work this out? Should I break both of our hearts and move on? I have no money, no means to do anything. I am so confused right now and just don't know what it is I should do. I am in my early twenties and this is my first serious relationship, she is my first, true love and I don't want to screw it up! Does every relationship go through these types of things? Am I just being dramatic with my feelings? I am sorry that I have basically written my life story here, but I just want to make sure that there isn't anything left unsaid! Thanks so much and any advice whether it be critical, harsh, or something that you think I don't want to hear...it's all appreciated!!! Thanks!
Sign,
Lonely In Love

[steviej]

Wow, sounds like you're stuck in a real rut.

Good on you for wanting to better yourself by going back to school, i hope you stick with it!

I don't mean to be harsh but it sounds like she is a real anchor around your neck, holding you back. It doesn't sound like she has any intention of changing, in fact she's getting worse.
You need to let her know how unhappy the current situation is making you. If she does her usual of avoiding the conversation or turning it into an argument then you need to consider what you are going to do with your life, as being stuck in a trailer with no money in a sexless relationship with an agoraphobic alcoholic doesn't sound very appealing.

[bulrush]

I'm confused. How long were you two dating when you bought the mobile home?

The other thing is, start working on one of these problems for each of you. She might work on kissing you goodnight, and being more affectionate. And you can start working on your short temper. I bet your temper is short because she shows less affection than she used to.

I'm a very physical person. Touch is my "love language" so I need touch, hugs, kisses, and sex to know I'm loved. You might want to google "love language" to read up on that. Each person is different. Some need physical touch, some need verbal assurances, some need small gifts and cards, like flowers each week, some need to go out on dates, like dinner, hiking, etc. It's a good way to know your partner and know yourself. And a good thing for you two to talk about and spend time together.

[url]http://www.5lovelanguages.com/[/url]

Why is she drinking so much? I bet that gets expensive, which can put a financial strain on the family. $35 for Chombard (raspberry liqueur). Sounds yummy but no thanks.

Why won't she get a job? I know a person like this. He just doesn't want to remake himself, so he ran out of unemployment insurance 2 years ago.