In Love With A Married Woman

[bsl1964]

I have been married for 25 years. I married young at 20 and really only knew my wife for 45 days before we married. I knew quickly that I had made a mistake but because of certain beliefs, I felt I had to stay married. To make a long story short, during these past 25 years we have separated twice and have started the divorce process both times. I got back together with my wife because she was so devastated that I just couldn't take hurting her and our kids who are now 23 and 20. She loves me but I have never been in love with her. I have never cheated on her but have thought about it.

About 4 years ago I met a woman at the gym who was also married. We had a lot in common and as time went on, we became close friends. She is a happily married woman of 29 years. A group of us at the gym became very close friends and actually go out quite often together as a group. This includes my woman friend’s husband so I actually know him but we are not close friends.

Now, my woman friend and I see each other every day at the gym. We normally get on the elliptical machines together and talk about everything. She also calls me quite often just to talk. She also brings me a lot of gifts such as cookies she bakes, tomatoes from her garden, and many other things like this. She thinks of me quite often.

Occasionally I might give her a card to tell her how much her friendship means to me. I also buy her something on her birthday and at Christmas.

The problem is that I knew when I first met her that we some how instantly “clicked”. We get along so well. Over the past few years I have come to realize that I am in love with her. I think of her all the time.

We have never crossed the line but I know as my feelings have grown for her that I would welcome this even though I know it is wrong.

I have never told her my feelings other than how special she is to me. I don’t know if she has similar feelings but every time she gives me something or calls me, it makes me wonder why she does these things so often. It makes me wonder if she feels the same. I could see her doing these things on occasion but she does them often. She seems to think of me a lot. I say this because of the calls I get from her, the text messages, and the gifts.

I know I should probably pull away but I find it so hard. If she does not have these feelings and looks at me as just a friend, she will not understand why I am pulling away from her and I don’t want to hurt her.

How do I know if she feels the same way? Outward actions seem to say so but woman are much different than men.

Please help me find the best way to handle this.

[IndiReloaded]

Seems to me you need to choose if you want to stay married to your wife. Life is short. Your children are grown up, so they are old enough to understand dissolving a partnership when its time is past. I'm not pro-divorce, but in this case it seems the respectful, logical thing to do. I suspect your wife will be happier for it as well. Noone wants to be married to someone who doesn't care for them, esp if they care about someone else more.

Notice I am not commenting on your married friend at all. Your decision to divorce needs to be for your own reasons. Same for her (or not).

[bcgirl]

The problem is that I knew when I first met her that we some how instantly “clicked”. We get along so well. Over the past few years I have come to realize that I am in love with her. I think of her all the time.

There are 7 billion ppl in this world. You are bound to find a good chunk of women that you will instantly click with. The thing is that you and your wife probably lack a lot of chemistry and aren't right for each other. You think that you love this new this woman from your gym when in fact, you just want a woman that you "click" with and feel comfortable around. You can find that with other women. Get a divorce from your wife...the kids are old now and they will understand. Move on and be happy with someone you are more compatible with. But not with this married gal from the gym....she is happily married. You can be too one day.

[cologne]

The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know.25 years is not a joke.Don't destroy the happy family you have built in the past decades.What is the assurance the next person you want to be with will give the happiness you want in a relationship?By the time you start living with her, the love and feeling will definitely begin to wane.If your wife loves you and has done nothing wrong to you,this is not the best way to pay her back.......I tell people it is always better your partner loves you more than you love he/she.It takes only a minute to destroy but years to built!Reinvigorate your love for your life.

[bcgirl]

The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know.25 years is not a joke.Don't destroy the happy family you have built in the past decades.What is the assurance the next person you want to be with will give the happiness you want in a relationship?By the time you start living with her, the love and feeling will definitely begin to wane.If your wife loves you and has done nothing wrong to you,this is not the best way to pay her back.......I tell people it is always better your partner loves you more than you love he/she.It takes only a minute to destroy but years to built!Reinvigorate your love for your life.

life is way too short to be living this way. There are so many great wonders to life. Great connection, fantastic sex, amazing conversation, emotional connections are to name a few and these should definately be explored in an individuals life time. A person shouldn't feel trapped by marriage. Why be trapped in a marriage you haven't been happy with for 25 flippin years when you can share better moments with someone else? To me that is absolute craziness.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Yea, there's a whole lotta dating sites out there filled with old men and woman that think just like that ^^^ only to find out that none of the people of the opposite sex want anything to do with someone their own age.

BC You make it sound like every woman this man meets he will have an instant connection with when odds are not stacked in his favor.

OP: Do not jump from the frying pan into the the fire here on the whimsical advice of what you want to hear. Stop this emotional affair you're having with your woman "friend" and once you're more indifferent to the emotional response she wells up in you, then and only then should you consider if you should leave your wife.

I ask, why wouldn't you speak to your wife about what is missing in your relationship, talk to a marriage councelor together if need be and try somethings that will help you to connect with your wife the way you've allowed yourself to connect with your 'friend?"

No matter what, you shouldn't make a decision based on feelings for a woman that is married to another. Odds are you'll be sorry that you did.

[Boisdevie]

You're obviously not happy with the relationship so either go to counselling to try to fix it or end it. TBH I'm surprise you got married after just 45 days - how the hell can you know somebody after 45 days. Hell of an error of judgement wasn't it?

[cologne]

life is way too short to be living this way. There are so many great wonders to life. Great connection, fantastic sex, amazing conversation, emotional connections are to name a few and these should definately be explored in an individuals life time. A person shouldn't feel trapped by marriage. Why be trapped in a marriage you haven't been happy with for 25 flippin years when you can share better moments with someone else? To me that is absolute craziness.

And when the supposed other one you are advising him to contract does not work; what happens?He divorces again in search of another one.That is no life!There is no perfect relationship.People can always make it work where trust has not been breached.His wife has done nothing wrong to him.It make no sense to just walk out of a marriage because you just suddenly realize one day you are no longer in love with your partner.

[Wakeup]

And when the supposed other one you are advising him to contract does not work; what happens?He divorces again in search of another one.That is no life!There is no perfect relationship.People can always make it work where trust has not been breached.His wife has done nothing wrong to him.It make no sense to just walk out of a marriage because you just suddenly realize one day you are no longer in love with your partner.

No! It makes no sense to walk out of a marriage BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.

[IndiReloaded]

She loves me but I have never been in love with her. I have never cheated on her but have thought about it.

I just want to add that these statements are just terrible, not that you would make them, but that anyone would willingly live this way. So, let's get hypothetical here, but with purpose:

Would you stay married to your wife if she was okay with you having a discreet affair outside the marriage?

[Princess_Elena]

The only thing I can say is if you want to be with the other woman than do so! Life is short and if you do not love your wife it is better to move on from her than to cheat on her. But I would say she is into you but of course you should make sure she is before you make a decision.

If you leave your wife and this woman is not into you then what? Good luck.

[P.A.T.G.O.D.]

If the other woman was interested in an affair with you, you would know it by now. Likely, she is enjoying the attention you give her but has no plans on breaking up a marriage of 29 years.

I find that a lot of people who constantly look for that "instant" connection are really just trying to skip all the work of really getting to know someone else. You married your wife after 45 days. I imagine that you felt an "instant" connection with her at that time and look where that got you. It takes more than seeing someone at the gym, out occasionally and sharing cards and cookies to know who they really are and if you're compatible.

If you truly don't love your wife, then divorce. But do it for yourself and for her, not in some pursuit of a relationship that exists only in your own mind.

I wouldn't pursue this married woman. I got involved with a married woman a couple of years after my divorce, when she said she was getting ready to divorce her husband. I fell pretty hard, too. She never did divorce him and moved with him to FL, six years ago. I learned from that mistake and won't repeat it and I suggest you do the same.

[bcgirl]

BC You make it sound like every woman this man meets he will have an instant connection with when odds are not stacked in his favor.

not at all. It's time for him to explore the real world. There he may meet women who will use him, he may meet women who he thinks he is in love with but will cheat on him, he will meet women he won't connect with....and then hopefully he will meet a woman who is perfect for him. That is ultimately what life is all about isnt it? We always strive for the best in life....yes, those things can be hard to achieve and really takes a bit of luck.....but once you find true love, it can be a very beautiful thing. Why stay in a marriage that is doomed to fail? Why spend all that money on marriage counselling when most likely it won't work out in the long run (statically only 10% of marriages have their problems all resolved by marriage counselling...the other 90% still will forever continue to have issues until they finally divorce). I'm just saying, 25yrs with a woman he isn't even that into.....damn, that really sucks. Too many people in this world settle in their unhappy marriage, they settle for their sh*tty job, they SETTLE in their boring lives....if more people did things they wanted to do, perhaps they would be more happy in life. You can't make a square peg fit into a round hole.....quit going at it!!!

You are the Square Peg, she is the round hole. You can do all the marriage counselling and crap you want.....YOU WILL NEVER TURN INTO A ROUND PEG AND SHE WON"T TURN INTO A SQUARE HOLE. Sure, you can scrap yourself up and try jammming and jamming your square peg into that round hole and chip and shave off your sides until you sort of resemble a round peg....but you're all damaged goods and scarred for life. You are a square peg.....go out in the world and find your square hole!!

[Wakeup]

It's time for him to explore the real world. There he may meet women who will use him, he may meet women who he thinks he is in love with but will cheat on him,

Is pain your thing, BC? :o)

IMO: Op has some serious (here I go again) co-dependency problems even to have stayed with a woman that he has never loved and went as far as to have children with her. Do you honestly think he's going to be able to find someone that he can be interdependent with as easily as you make it out to. I'm glad you wrote what you did though because if will likely scare the crap out of him enough to stop fantasizing by thinking he can jump right out of his loveless marriage into the arms of the first woman who is nice to him.

I suspect he wouldn't even be here at all if he didn't have this fantasy going on with the married woman in the first place.

OP: If you don't love this woman at all but you stayed and had children with her then I suggest you go to personal counceling to build up your self-worth enough to be able to survive the real jungle out there.

Me, I think you've stayed because you're too afraid to leave. Work on that and then maybe you'll be this adventurous alpha male that BC paints you being able to be. Sorry, but that's what I see by what you post.