Can a man change himself ?

[loverman1]

you know theres a famous qoute, i can't remember who said it but it goes something like this " being in love shows you all you should be". Theres also a song that says "What if your makin me all that i was meant to be" i don't remember who sings this but its quite recent. My post is asking poeple if im carzy for thinking i could ever be enough for this girl who i want to be with. We have dated twice and both times i have fallen short of making her happy, i don't blame her i have a few problems, which are OCD, a Stutter, and a lack of idenity, i also watch porn when im depressed and binge on chocolate. So i have a few demons that hold me back .. One thing i have going for me is that i pretty damm good looking, if i wasnt a handsome guy i don't think there would much point anymore. Anyway the girl that made me understand what love is rejected me for the second time when she met another guy who she is now happy with. Im happy for her that she has found a nice guy who can make her happy so i don't want to mess up that for her. We have stayed in touch and text each other about once every one or two weeks, and we also meet up twice a year. I can't ask her anymore than that, and its not right too. I always wonder what im capable of becoming, i think if i could ever change and make her happy or am i just dreaming thinking i could change. I only saw her about a week ago and she said that we "could only ever be friends" but she said that once before and we ended up dating again about a year later. My life has changed alot since i met her, before i could'nt even talk to girls, now i can strike up a conversation with anyone. But i want answers; I want to take up running, and run everyday, i want to fix my OCD and improve my speech, give up watching porn and turn Vegan also read books rarther than watching TV. These are the things i want for myself.

In the past she said "i want to see you everyday", and that i make her happy, but it's never quite worked out. I had a short 4 month relationship since her with a waitress/model, but i ended it as i felt nothing, It didnt compare at all.

So my questions, am i crazy for trying to change, thinking she could ever want me? i just don't want anymore regrets, i have tried alot to change and i know i have but can i develop more ? i sometimes think im only half the man i should be.. sorry if this is a little personal for some people but please don't judge me or her, she's such a nice girl, and more than anything i want her to be happy.

[bulrush]

Yes you can change yourself, if you are strong enough.

1. I believe there is medication for OCD, and possibly therapy. I think OCD falls under an anxiety disorder.
2. Speech therapy might help your stutter.
3. Stop binging on porn and chocolate, it will not make you happy for the long-term, only the short term. Work on your happiness for the long-term. And how can you be good-looking if you are eating all that fat/chocolate? Don't you gain a lot of weight?
   

[loverman1]

thanks for your reply

well i have good genes... and i only binge on the chocolate when im really unhappy

[bcgirl]

Every single person wants to better themselves in one aspect or another. To lose weight, to quit smoking, to excercise more, to eat healthier etc. etc. etc. the list can go on. People change all the time, it just takes a kick in the butt and some motivation and a drive for success. People quit smoking everyday, people lose weight everyday....these things are probably one of the hardest things to do, but it's achievable and people do it all the time.

I recently started to eat healthier in an organic/animal cruelty free sort of way after watching the documentary "Earthlings"

[Dune]

She sounds sweet and I understand the feeling of wanting to better yourself which is really great. One thing I wouldn't warrant however, is to be a better person for her. From your post, it sounds like you're not quite comfortable with who you are. How do you expect someone to love you if you don't yet love yourself? What I'm trying to say is that you should work on yourself. Build your self esteem, and do it for yourself, because in the event that she does not see your progress, you will still be happy with yourself.

I'm not sure about stuttering, but OCD, porn and chocolate sounds well within the control of a person, and "removing" these bad traits may very well be within your grasp. I have mild OCD, and I've learned how to reduce its compulsions by myself and its worked out pretty well for me.

Answering your questions, no, you're not crazy to want to change. Self actualization is a normal human drive. Yes there is always always room for development and that's the beauty of imperfection. It is a possibility that she may want you after your improvements, but I feel that you should perform the changing for yourself because you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. How do you love someone when you don't even love yourself? Also, do take change in small but sure steps. Wouldn't want to risk biting off more than you can chew.

Btw, "what if you're makin' me all that I was meant to be" is from the song titled "What About Now" by Chris Daughtry.

[SplendidGray]

You need to understand that there are many reasons that relationships don't work out. It may have nothing to do with you "not being good enough". Of course you aren't perfect, but realize that there are many people out there who are far from perfect and still have loving relationships. If you keep trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with you that didn't make her want to be with you, you will only find a bottomless pit for your OCD to really dive into and cause even more insecurity. It's not healthy to improve yourself as a means to the end of getting her to like you romantically. It sounds as if she just doesn't have romantic feelings towards you, and if that's the case then any changes you make in order to get her will fall apart once you finally accept that you'll never have her. If you are saying that your love and appreciation of her has somehow inspired you to want to better yourself, then that's fantastic. Wanting to become a stronger person so that you can do more for God and other people is a wonderful motive, but make sure you don't have an ulterior selfish motive like making someone become your girlfriend or there's a good chance it will fail. Improve yourself for your own personal principles and values, not for the objective of getting her to like you.