Division of labour / responsiblity

[MaidenMinx]

Let me preface this with, this is not a rant, or a bitch nor am I looking for advice or criticism. I am looking to start a discussion.

In my relationship we have an almost basic traditional division of labour / responsibility. He works 2 jobs to earn all our money and we consider taking out the rubbish and the more labourious yard duties his as well (mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters etc). Mine are taking care of the home (oh light bulbs and dripping taps are also his responsibility), the majority of the child rearing (including dealing with school, making and keeping appts, etc etc), paying the bills, doing the shopping etc. I guess the only difference between my duties and the "proper" traditional arrangement is that I do pay the bills and take care of the finances.

So my questions for the forum...
Is it common to have to repeatedly remind a husband of his 'home duties'? (Getting him to take out the rubbish can be a nightmare sometimes. He is forgetful and I try not to nag)
How are things divided in your relationship?
If I begin work or study, is it fair to expect my husband to pick up the slack around the home?

[vashti]

Yes, your problem is common, and no, it isn't expecting too much for him to help pick up the slack around the house. The only problem is that men who require constant reminders to just do the bare minimum are unlikely to step up to the plate.

[MaidenMinx]

That is true. I guess I hope that when I get to a point of being able to work and contribute financially that he can drop his evening job and have more time at home to do these things. I guess also when he is home with us I enjoy him being there so much I don't really want him spending his time up on the roof (I don't do heights) or pushing the mower around, so I guess I don't make it easy for him to keep up with the things he 'should' be doing.

[Boisdevie]

It should be 50:50. In terms of overall effort/contribution. Now measuring that can be not that easy.

[bulrush]

The problem I think he has, and you have, and I had also, is WHEN is it appropriate to take out the garbage. My ex and I disagreed on when to take out the garbage. She took it out every other day, I smashed the contents down and only took it out when it smelled bad, or when I couldn't smash it down anymore. We had some pretty big arguments about this, indicating her pettiness and her inflexibility. Her inflexibility permeated our relationship and was one of several reasons for our divorce.

Rule #1: If you don't like the way he does it, do it yourself. This will negate a lot of arguments.

It's all about the differences between his tolerance of dirt/dust and clutter vs your tolerance for dirt/dust and clutter. I have a medium tolerance for dirt/dust, low tolerance for clutter. Therefore my house is usually picked up, but not vacuumed a lot. When I get tired of the dirt or dust, I clean house. Just because you disagree with him, or he forgets, doesn't mean he is wrong.

I currently live alone but I will help my gf remodel bathrooms, do fixing up things, rake leaves, shovel snow, etc. Since I live alone, I have enough time to do my own chores so there is no need for her to help me, but she does insist on cooking for me sometimes.

As for my gf, she is pretty handy, and has no problem finishing her basement (a future project). I simply like spending time with her, whether having fun or doing chores, so I help her out when I'm at her house.

Anyway, he should help out at home some, but remember he has 2 jobs. Do you only do work at home? It may not be fair for him to have 2 jobs AND do half the house work. He is not Superman, and he might get tired or forget.

About him picking up slack if you get a job, how many hours does he work each week with 2 jobs? 40 hours? That's now so bad. He can help out more. But if you are both busy, some things will have to slide. Don't try to be Supermom and try to do everything, thereby stressing yourself out and destroying the relationship. Is it more important to have a relationship or a clean house? Determine your priorities.

Rule #2: Work with your strengths.

Each person should do what they are good at. My ex was not good at framing because she was not strong enough to straighten the crooked 2x4 boards we ended up buying. But she did fine with mudding drywall, and tiling and painting.

[surfhb]

Sounds like most men to me

[MaidenMinx]

It should be 50:50. In terms of overall effort/contribution. Now measuring that can be not that easy.

I think the best measurement isn't necessarily who does what but how each feels about their share. If it feels imbalanced it probably is.

[MaidenMinx]

Bulrush, it's not that we disagree when the rubbish is full, we both agree that a full (tied off) bag and am overflowing recycling bin is an appropriate time to empty, he just always forgets before work and doesn't think off it after work. I'll often take it out contentedly accepting that he has been busy and tired. It's when beer bottles end up in the rubbish because the recycling is full that I get pissed off.

Your rule one is interesting to a recovering control freak. It's true, and a good general rule of thumb. Control freaks would hear it a justification for their controlling nature.

Hubby works an average of 60 hours a week. Because of this when he offers to help with the dishes etc I usually tell him to not worry about it and if he wants to help he can keep me company while I do. He does help me cook as in he is a wonderful prep hand. I can't help but take advantage of his years of hospitality experience. :-)

At the moment I am a stay at home mum but I'm hoping to study in the second half of the year. At the moment I require very little help with the house work, but I am a little concerned about the possibility of everything falling apart when I do begin study. Then again I'm probably worrying prematurely. Between having a good base of cleanliness and the fact that my son has started picking up after himself the house shouldn't fall apart (housework wise, not literally :-P ).

[Wakeup]

I'd concentrate on making sure that your son understands that it's not a woman's job to do EVERYTHING around the house. It sounds like you do everything or most of it so train him to cook, clean and give him specific things that he can do to help his woman when the time comes.

I think men who have been sitting doing NOTHING while their parents (mother) did everything for them are THE worst offenders when it comes to matters of keeping a home clean and sanitary.

As for hubby: You're trying to control outcomes again and he's not letting you control. It's very hard Minx but you need to just tell him once (when he's not been drinking) that when the rubbish is ready to go out, you'd appreciate him taking it out without you having to turn into his keeper. Then, if he doesn't do it then perhaps your son is now old enough to pitch in with that chore? Your husband is not going to get it by you repeating the lesson. Accept or change it up.. which are both totally under your control because it's about your behaviour and not his.

[MaidenMinx]

Wake up, I completely agree. I have to let go of this belief that he SHOULD do it. My nan always said "should is a death word. Stop should-ing yourself to death". My current therapist also tells me I need to drop should from my vocab. **** it, maybe I can aim for him running the wheelie bins to the kerb as necessary (which he usually does without being asked) and be content with that.

As much as I can, I am teaching our son to help out. He has gotten to the point where he'll clean up after himself so that's a start. I've tried to teach him how to do the dishes, but he gets to distracted by the bubbles and plays. It's cute but makes alot of mess. He can make himself basic sandwiches, and other little basics. Maybe I'll get around to teaching him to clean the bathroom.

[Sonrisa]

even the best of men forget their chores. i say just keep reminding him and don't let it bother you much.

[vashti]

We had some pretty big arguments about this, indicating her pettiness and her inflexibility.

No offense, but it could also be indicative of your laziness and how stubborn you can be. It seriously can't be that difficult to take the trash out, and it's ridiculous that you would rather fight about waiting till it smelled than just take the 1.5 minutes to remove it.

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry, but my 0.02 is this: a homemaker's primary duty is the house, kids, cooking. About 8 hours a day worth. Same as for the primary breadwinner. While I was off work, I did all those things. I find it easier, more relaxing work than my job. There is a reason why women outlived men in the past. Work stress.

Other things like repairs, heavy gardening, vehicle maintenance, etc. can be negotiated and shared.

I dunno about the rest of you, but I can do a lot of cooking and cleaning in 8 hours. At least a couple hours a day is reasonable if there is a small child, more if they are in school.

Bulrush calls it about right re: standards. If my husband doesn't like the way I fix or clean something, he is welcome to show me better, do it himself or trade a job. I've had no problem letting him install shelving on a Sat am while I make the family brunch.

[MaidenMinx]

Haha... that's another cross we women seem to have to bear... to stfu when the men are'nt doing it the way we doo it (as good in our mind) as we could. Hard one, that. I had to catch myself all the time when giving my daughter a chore to do that I didn't go in after her and re-do it. lol Same when she was a baby, If I asked him to feed her or change her or whatever and he didn't do it as well as I would have (in my mind) to keep my mouth shut and just be glad that I didn't have to do it. :o)

I've gotten that way (finally) with onions being chopped. I have figured out an almost no tear method that gets me a very fine chop. I have tried to tell people (not just Hubby) over and over how to do it 'right'. Now I have a basic thing of who ever peels them chops them. Unfortunately, most people are happy to leave me to do it now. (for the curious, store them in the fridge and don't chop off the end the base of the onion. The base holds the onion together for easier and neater dicing and seems to stop the tear producing agent from escaping too much)

[MaidenMinx]

Sorry, but my 0.02 is this: a homemaker's primary duty is the house, kids, cooking. About 8 hours a day worth. Same as for the primary breadwinner. While I was off work, I did all those things. I find it easier, more relaxing work than my job. There is a reason why women outlived men in the past. Work stress.

Other things like repairs, heavy gardening, vehicle maintenance, etc. can be negotiated and shared.

I dunno about the rest of you, but I can do a lot of cooking and cleaning in 8 hours. At least a couple hours a day is reasonable if there is a small child, more if they are in school.

Bulrush calls it about right re: standards. If my husband doesn't like the way I fix or clean something, he is welcome to show me better, do it himself or trade a job. I've had no problem letting him install shelving on a Sat am while I make the family brunch.

You know I think I might start tallying up how much work I do a day around the home, just to see if I am chipping in my 50%. Generally as long as the house is clean, the bills paid and clean clothes in the drawers Hubby is happy with my contribution. I'd just like to see if I am putting in my share. I just wish I could get the hang of changing light bulbs. I can do it but it takes me nearly 10 minutes and quite a bit of swearing. I think if I lived on my own I'd just have candles.