Bottling things up inside?

[The]

Hi again Loverforum community!

I have posted about a problem related to this relationship before. In fact , a lot has happened. You can read t he past post if you want but it is
pretty long. In short, I had insecurities and controlled my girlfriend as well as rushed things with her. we were together for two years. Afterwards she decided to break up with me because she was fed up. I believe she reacted as many person that would be controlled: she rebelled. For the past 2
months she has and we finally started dating again 2 weeks ago. I have been around and helped her even though she went to other guys, and all. I
didn't just walk away and stop paying for the appartment. Also, I have been seeing a councellor and I have an easier time controlling my impulsivity ( I think before I say something)

Now here's my problem. I love the girl, and I do love her unconditionally. Before I have controlled her on what she wears, her looking at other guys, what she wanted, etc.... However, at this point, she's gone on a 2 weeks trip in Arizona. I really don't mind a trust her. But there are two things that are coming up and bothering me.... 1) She is starting to smoke weed. However I have ALWAYS TOLD myself i would never date someone who smokes. I tell myself : " She's in Arizona and its once...". She smoke ONCE while we were broken up and she said she wouldn't do it again because she didn't like it. Another thing is that when I met her 2 years ago, she dumped a guy because he was smoking weed too much and told me she
would never smoke. TONIGHT, I was on cam with her and she starts smoking on the webcam. I mean she knows I hate smoking! Its just a
straight up insult to me. 2) I told her not to look at guys before, and fine it was wrong its not like she's cheating on me ( well celebrities too i was
like that.). I'm fine if she looks at time but she keeps a folder of "husband" pictures on her phone and just post random picture online just saying
"he is SO hot". I just feel like it is kinda inconsiderate when she tells me " I love you!" , " I MISS YOU!"


So there is my problem and I don't know how to go about it. I love the girl and want to stay with her. I have been told that something is anormalonce it gets in the way of your relationships with others and this is getting in our way ( ESPECIALLY the weed). Also I can't just tell her I don't like
her because of her scars from before. I feel as if I talk to her and tell her " you know smoking bothers me" will make her think I'm controlling. In the past I started controlling her with one thing and it took a ripple effect.

Finally, this is hurting me really badly. I mean if I break up with her I will have regrets because I didn't gave her a chance. However, if i stay with
her I will just have to stay and give a fake smile everyday! I really feel helpless with no escape.

Any advice ? :S
Thank you guys.

[SplendidGray]

As far as your controlling behavior in the past, don't think that it has just gone away. It's easier to keep that kind of behavior under control when the relationship isn't completely established and committed. The part of you that wants to control will likely stay quiet until you guys move in together or make some other move that makes you feel she's locked in and vulnerable. As for your feelings towards this girl, its obvious that you have some problems with her behavior. So if you truly believe that controlling her is no longer an option (and if you love her then you will never try to control her, even if that's what she wants), then this relationship cannot possibly work out. If you don't completely accept and embrace a person exactly the way they are, then you will inevitably try to control them. I know you have strong feelings towards her, but realize that these aren't the self-less love feelings that all healthy relationships require, but selfish yearnings towards what she can give to you. Listen to what you are saying, you are obviously distraught over her issues, even though you aren't completely together and stable. Meanwhile, you brush over your own issues of control like they don't exist anymore. The bulk of your message is still rooted in that old controlling you which is always focused what's wrong with HER and why SHE isn't making you happy. Your controlling behavior is rooted in focusing on how SHE can make you happy. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn't even need to post something like this because you would be too preoccupied with trying to make her happy or doing nice things with her. And if you didn't like her behavior or trust her, then you would simply break up with her.

You are right, if you stay with her you will just have to fake a smile everyday and pretend to be happy, that is until you explode with anger and resentment for her not behaving how you want her to (and you will explode). You need to end this relationship, learn how to accept people exactly the way they are, understand that its not their job to make you happy by acting the way you want, and figure out how to be happy completely on your own. Every human is sacred and valuable. They have the right to be whoever they want, and it's not your place to say a damn thing to her about how she behaves. You have the right to dump her and find someone better, but never to control or manipulate her behavior for the sake of your own selfish yearnings or because you think you know best. You aren't her dad, so stop acting like its your job to govern her life and lay down the discipline for her poor behavior. You don't like the way she is, then leave her, but remember that control and manipulation are not options - in fact they are among the most disgusting and immoral things you can do to another person.

[bulrush]

Your control issues will not just go away. I suggest counseling 30 times before considering it is under control. It takes work to work these things out. And you can't love someone unconditionally with a major insecurity like you seem to have. You might be FOND of her, or NEED her, as in you recognize she might be good for you (with smoking weed I'm not so sure.)

As far as the weed goes, some people who smoke a lot get really lazy. They lose their job, and leech off other people. They simply get too relaxed, and lose all motivation to take care of themselves. Just be careful. Is she living with you? How many times will the cops bust down your door to do a search and seizure? Can they seize your house in your state? Her smoking weed puts you in a lot of legal liability. YOU could go to jail because she won't admit she smokes to the cops. Is this something you can afford to do? Do you have bail money for yourself? How will this affect your job? If you inhale the smoke while she is smoking YOU will test positive for weed.

The other thing is, yes she is overly sensitive to your controlling personality. But weed is where I draw the line. She is disrespecting you by drooling over other men. She doesn't sound discrete about it. And she is disrespecting you by smoking weed when you don't want her to. It will probably come down to a choice: 1) she stops smoking weed or 2) she leaves you to smoke more weed.

Addiction is like #2.

[tmc92ic]

It's called jealousy, not control issues.

You're afraid she might leave you for another guy if she is given the chance to talk to another guy. That is why you 'control' what she wears, you don't want her to attract other guys. Jealousy ends relationships, it is the number one relationship killer.

Truth is bro, wtf can you really do? You can't stop her from doing anything. Guys will hit on her, thats what guys do. She will judge other guys, us men do it too... you've never seen a photo online and thought in your head "man she is ****ing hot". Well you mentioned she comments on photos online, it's pretty much the same thing except she just put it down on paper per se. You just have to let it go. If she loves you, she will stay with you. If not, then **** her. She was bound to leave anyway you can't stop her.

My girlfriend does this all the time. During a movie she tells me how ripped or hot the actor is. She comments on how cute my friends are. I use to get mad about it, but honestly I have learned to accept it because at the end of the day... she comes back into my arms, into my bed. You just have to learn to let go.

[bcgirl]

You are a certain way by nature....it's totally fine. Just as long as you respect her and treat her good. There are those types of people that are jealous by nature and those that aren't. You are....she probably isn't as much as you. I am jealous by nature, it's not that i have trust issues or have insecurity issues....it's just that I dislike hearing my loved one commenting on how "hot" someone else is. I just don't like hearing it. Then there are those other people that really don't give a damn. You can't stop guys from hitting on your girlfriend....however, she is disrespecting you if you tell her it bothers you that she comments on how "hot" other guys are and she still repeatedly does it.