Is it normal to feel like this sometimes in a relationship?

[Togoru]

I love my boyfriend. We've been together for 20 months now. Just sometimes I get frustrated or feel sad and I wonder if it's normal. Things that bum me out are if I say something and my boyfriend will be blunt and it'll seem rude (what he says sometimes) even though I doubt that was his intent. But maybe I can be over sensitive sometimes. I don't know but here's my explanation.

In general, he can be sweet, just some things he says to me are things that make me think no boyfriend should say to their girlfriend. They're not abusive, just stupid like he doesn't think when he says them. Like for example, I was sick once and for days I couldn't see him. I was finally better and wanted to see him. I said I couldn't wait to see him and how I wanted. That day I told him I was finally better and could go out, he told me he was busy and also he was worried if I was still contagious too. Later he went out anyway with another friend and he KNEW all I wanted was just to see him. When I got a little upset he then, as an afterthought, asked if I wanted to come along or if he should just come over instead. Which I said "no" because I felt like an afterthought and not a priority. The another time I wanted to make a trial trip to my new school (college, down town) it involves riding a trolley and 2 buses. The first trial run I didn't want to be alone in case I got lost. I said I had no one to go with and my boyfriend didn't offer to go with me, in fact he made up an excuse that he didn't have a car to use to get to my house (when we could have walked to meet up to leave for this) and also I knew he made it up because another day at his house I explained to his parents what happened and how I had to find someone else to go with and his father said "you bailed on her? I'd never let your mother go alone like that". Then recently he sweetly said we should go out on a date and that I could pick any place I wanted. But then he said "as long as it's not too expensive. I don't want to pay too much". And I am a vegetarian, anything I'd order would not cost a fortune and I never pick anything ridiculous or that costs a lot anyway so it didn't make sense he'd say that. We'd gone out to eat many times before that point too and he never had said that. Also he told me he didn't think his prom would be exciting if it was just me and him that went. And this week I go back to college, I commute but my schedule will be different and it'll make it harder to see him sometimes. I told him tomorrow I am off and how we could hang out before I have to go back and before it becomes harder to see him if he wanted to see me and he just didn't seem like he truly wanted to. He said he had to work on a project and if he could hang out tomorrow (like if he got the project done) then we would hang out, it's due next week. Later tonight I asked how his project was going and he said he didn't feel like doing it today and how he will work on it tomorrow instead. The project thing is understandable, you need to work then you need to get it done. But he had all of today and this weekend to work on it (he was off) and any other day this week to work on it too. So he purposely set it aside for tomorrow and said we could see each other later in the week then. He's also told me many times when I've told him how him openly checking out other women or in general how that makes me feel and with out considering my feelings regarding the incidences has called me insecure many times and said "I'll always love to check out other women".

Also, I am not saying this to sound mean, I'm literally smarter than him. Intellectually it can be frustrating sometimes to have a conversation with him because he can be stubborn and so set on one idea that isn't even valid. I'll try to explain and he will be so stern on telling me how he knows he's correct. For example, he believes hiccups are contagious despite my many tries to convince him otherwise.

He is also rather immature in some aspects of how he thinks. He would rather "fight" someone or punch them in the face when they are giving him a problem rather than report the person(s) in a mature manner. There's a few kids who apparently throw things on the bus, he reported them, but the kids still engage in throwing things occasionally. He said if anything hit him he'd punch the kids. I said he should just report them and he said "I already did. This time if it happens again I have to hit them, it's self defense"... He's already been suspended 2 other times for violent related things. The first was when he threw a water bottle at a kid. Another was which a girl was yelling in his face and he was sitting and she was "blocking" his way to get up. He said, and everyone else in the class attested that my boyfriend "flinched" out of being nervous and his fist "happened" to hit her in the face. Which scared me... Honestly. He's never shown any violent tendencies towards me but I don't know what to think of it all.

It's like sometimes I care so much, then other times I don't because it seems to get old and I think I can do better... I'll wonder if I should find someone more mature and smarter. I almost re-evaluate everything. My family tells me I can do better too sometimes. But I love him anyway. It's just I've been in short relationships before but never loved those people. I fell in love with my current boyfriend, he's my first love, first person I experienced everything with. I question how good of a match we are despite having a lot in common (same interests, religious beliefs, values, goals). I get confused though because he's sweet but can have moments sometimes where I just wonder if I can actually picture myself with him in the future. This isn't the first time I have thought about all of this.

Is this normal? what should I do?

[bcgirl]

he is still very young and immature....he will grow up with age.

[Boisdevie]

You think you can do better? Then do it. Because if you stay with this guy this feeling will just eat you up. Life is way too short to waste a single moment of it. Find someone that rings all your bells.

[bulrush]

Just because you post here doesn't mean I will always take your side. I think this forum is valuable because you get an objective outsider's opinion.

When I got a little upset he then, as an afterthought, asked if I wanted to come along or if he should just come over instead. Which I said "no" because I felt like an afterthought and not a priority.

You ASSUMED it was an afterthought on his part. But you had a chance to see him, and you declined. You no longer have the right to complain about a choice YOU made.

then he said "as long as it's not too expensive. I don't want to pay too much".

He could be having money problems. Maybe you should think about that.

Also he told me he didn't think his prom would be exciting if it was just me and him that went.

Ok, that's odd of him to say. I don't see any point why he would say that.

Also, I am not saying this to sound mean, I'm literally smarter than him. Intellectually it can be frustrating sometimes to have a conversation with him because he can be stubborn and so set on one idea that isn't even valid. I'll try to explain and he will be so stern on telling me how he knows he's correct. For example, he believes hiccups are contagious despite my many tries to convince him otherwise.

I know what you mean. I'm pretty smart too and I'm not prone to making decisions, or have views, based on emotions. But many people are. I'm not condescending, but it can be hard to have a conversation with some people. They are very nice people, but still, convos can be hard. Especially since I'm not into sports, at all.

He is also rather immature in some aspects of how he thinks. He would rather "fight" someone or punch them in the face when they are giving him a problem rather than report the person(s) in a mature manner.

This can be a big problem. Some people grow up, and some people never do. Do you want to marry this guy? You might end up bailing him out of jail. Is that the life you want for you and your kids?

He's never shown any violent tendencies towards me but I don't know what to think of it all.

Sounds like he can't control himself, and yes, this type of person often ends up abusing their girlfriend. First it starts with verbal abuse, little cutting remarks, it gets worse, then goes onto shoving, then slapping, then maybe hitting.

But I love him anyway.

What you don't realize, due to inexperience, is your love won't change him.

I believe people have a potential based on their genes, and they can increase their potential a little bit, but only so much. They are limited mostly by their personal/family culture, their friends attitudes, and by opportunities in their circle of aquaintences. If you personally don't have connections, you will have less opportunity. He will likely be able to control his fights as he grows up, but will still retain an immature attituded about work, education, and life in general. That means, his immature attitude will likely limit his potential. Although some people in construction and the oil business earn much more than I do. A college degree does not guarentee financial success.

We have the experience, some of us have actually been though this. And it's not just the men that are abusive. He doesn't sound abusive right now, but I'm saying look for the signs in the future.

He is definitely immature, he may or may not grow up. We cannot predict the future. But don't you think there is someone more compatible with you to spend time with?