Sick of the situation but finding it SO hard to walk away..still.

[HereComesTheSun]

I dont understand, i am SO unhappy with my boyfriend, i day dream about meeting the right man who will want to be in a long term and take the next step with me, yet i find it SO hard to leave him.

He doesnt meet my needs, he is extremely emotionally abusive and has been very physically abusive in the past, he doesnt make a single effort and then complains that i dont..(i feel i make more than needed effort). I feel he uses me for sex, taxi service and an shoulder to cry on when he feels down..
I am always hurt by him and his name calling, his lying, his heartless ways.. yet i just never stick to leaving him.

I used to wish that it would just work out and he would get better, but now i just wish that i would get over him and be able to let him go.. He is high on drugs 99% of the time. Mostly pot, but sometimes cocaine and painkillers, whereas i dont do drugs at all..

I feel bad for him sometimes, wish i could help him from having to be high ALL the time.. But then other times i just hate him from the pit of my stomach..

He always says he will come spend time with me, that we can do things together but he never ends up. Always blows me off and just ends up getting high with his friends.. I am so sick of been taken advantage of..

2 days ago he had taken Oxycontins during the day while i was working.. That night we were in bed and he wanted to have sex, we did, but after an hour i was so tired and done (Oxys make it harder for him to get off) and he just couldnt finish. I said enough and he got so pissed off at me, called me names, told me to get out. I was so hurt so i told him that i was done for good.
I am here, because again i miss him, i feel SO angry at him for constantly being bad to me. I feel when i try leave him my mind plays tricks on me..I talk myself into thinking it wasnt a good enough reason to leave, that i will regret it.. that i will always be alone..

I havnt seen him since but i was hoping some of you could try talk me into sense and put it straight for me.

This has been going on for 2 years we havnt been working.. It is time to leave.. But i feel i dont have the strength to stay away when he tells me he loves me and cant lose me.. Then he begs and i always return to him..ashamed.
Any advice would be much appreciated.

[bcgirl]

I totally understand what you are going through. I was with my ex boyfriend for 8 yrs which was a very roller coaster of a ride relationship. Many high ups and very low downs and no in betweens. I loved him very much, but he and I had very different goals and views on life. I was young at the time and he was my first really serious relationship. I am a taurus, more introverted, like to stay at home with loved ones and not into the party scene. I am conservative and wanted to work, come home, spend time together and save up for a home. He is a gemini. Very outgoing by nature, loves to party and hang out with his friends and always experiment with new things, never was able to save money. At first the relationship was exciting.... but his crazy lifestyle caused a lot of conflict between us. He was a drinker and drank a lot (i'm not a drinker) and he got very into cocaine (addictive personality). Every payday he would want to spend his hard earned money on cocaine, gambling, drinking and partying. I'd fight with him because i didn't want him participating in that type of lifestyle. I felt like i had to hold him on a tight leash and grew tired of being like his mother instead of his girlfriend. Our fights would be very bad.... i don't back down, he doesn't back down....we'd get into very aweful fights especially when it came to me trying to stop him from hanging out with friends or stop him from doing drugs. When times were bad between us I would always fantasize about meeting my prince charming and one day. We would break up and then get right back together, our break ups never lasted more than a couple weeks. The vicious cycle lasted 8 years. I always knew I had to leave him....but the relationship was like an addiction. Like my ex was addicted to drugs, i was addicted to the relationship even as twisted of a relationship as it was. There were times i would hate him so much and feel like cheating on him..... i have, many times. But it was only revenge cheating and I would always go back into his arms shortly afterwards. After 8 years of wishing and hoping that one day things would change between us for the better....reality hit me right smack in the face one day..... things will NEVER change. Our characters and personalities just clashed. Although we had such wonderful and fun memories together, our chemistry wasn't a match. I finally left him. I had to go NO CONTACT, it was the only way I could have been strong enough to stay gone from him. I haven't talked to him since, but i'm sure he is still a loser like he was all those many years ago. It's been many years since then and I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world. My husband is that prince charming i have fantasized many years ago when i was with my ex. My husband is not crazy and wild by nature, instead he is much more compatible to myself which enjoys a simple life of home and close friends. New years some of my husband's friends were getting into cocaine, everyone was partying.....when once upon a time my ex boyfriend would have definately indulged on that white powder till the break of dawn.....my husband said "f*ck no" when offered to try some. Made me smile because I felt like I had come a long way from that little girl that was so unhappy once upon a time. I would say to you to break up with your boyfriend, but i know that it's easier said than done. Just like quitting drugs.....you'd have to hit rock bottom to absolutely realize that there is no where else to go but up, and that's when you'll break up with him. I sure hope you haven't wasted 8 years like I did. BUT, having said that.....the reason why I participate in these types of forums and able to give advice is because of my experience with my past.

[bulrush]

On some level you realize this relationship is bad for you. But yet you stay. Is it addiction? A need to be loved? Something else? I guess we really can't help you until you truly realize how bad this is for you. Sorry to say, I don't think you've hit bottom yet.

BCGirl, thanks for posting your experience. But I see no evidence the OP is ready to make a real change. It's too bad really. It pains me to see this, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It's just painful for me.

[HereComesTheSun]

Thankyou so much for your replies!

I feel i am nearly at the bottom, if not already there.. A few weeks ago he hit me in the face after we fought. He blacked my eye, it was swollen, protruding from my face and all the blood vessels were broken. I looked a mess. My family found out, my friends and now i have to see him secretly. Everything is a big secret and nobody will ever accept that we are together. We cant do anything together, both sets of our friends are telling us its not right to be together, it seems like a constant battle.
I have been with him a total of 3 years and i am SICK of it. But bcgirl, you explained it perfectly. It is just like an addiction, in fact every bit of what you said is just like we are.

I hate who i am with him, i freak out at the things he does, i feel like a crazy person and its just not who i am at all. I know i need to go no contact but that is always the hardest part. I KNOW he will never change, i know this isnt what i want for my life, i know what i want and i want to work towards acheiving it. It is just so hard to stick to it..
bcgirl, did you feel horribly lonely and depressed when trying to get over him? When i leave him i feel so crappy that i often accept him back into my life just to feel at ease again..

Today i want to be the first day of no contact. Please wish me luck.

[bcgirl]

bcgirl, did you feel horribly lonely and depressed when trying to get over him? When i leave him i feel so crappy that i often accept him back into my life just to feel at ease again..

yes. Just like any break-up. The first couple days of the break up can be fine....you feel okay. But after a few days or a week you begin to get very weak and miss him. the thing that got me to go back to him everytime was he would call me or text me and I missed him terribly and I desperately hoped he was sorry and that he's changed this time....so i pick up my phone. He would appologize ofcourse and we'd make up and get back together. The honeymoon phase always ends shortly afterwards.

BCGirl, thanks for posting your experience. But I see no evidence the OP is ready to make a real change. It's too bad really. It pains me to see this, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It's just painful for me.

like i said.... it really took me rock bottom to have my courage to finally have enough.... 8 years. One day he didn't phone me all night long, i kept calling him but his phone was off. I suspected the worst. I always knew if he cheated on me, that would be the absolute worst thing anyone can do to me and it would be over no questions asked. I never found evidence of his infidelity. But the fact that he didn't call me all night long and had his phone off was my last straw. I changed my phone number the next day so that he wasn't able to contact me.... i was living in a very secure apartment at the time and he wasn't able to buzz up to come in and talk to me. I changed my email and everything else. I had a new job at the time so he wasn't able to pop in and visit me. I had urges to call him but those urges weren't big urges and I was able to get along with my life very well and strong. The world after that seemed so bright and I was able to finally take a breath of fresh air. I think back to the way things were between me and my ex. No one was at fault. It was just a very bad combination of two people that when put together can cause a forest fire.

[iamminzy]

I never had a boyfriend before up until 2010 and I am 25 now. I always been shy and didn't really have much relationship experience, so I didn't really know how to deal with relationships. My ex was alright in the beginning, but then he started to get too manipulative, dominant, arrogant, and a jerk. Once he gets close to people he will get too comfortable with them and doesn't watch what he says or does. I only knew him within a month or 2 and he was already an arrogant bastard. He gets angry at me all the time, when I'm just making fun on him, or not listening to him all the time and not planning things for him. He smart too which is also annoying because he thinks he so smart and so he thinks people love hearing him talk about science, physics and theories. I just want to talk about personal things like getting to know each other more and sharing our thoughts and feelings.

He treats his friends better than he treats me. We were suppose to watch a movie and guess up? Someone called him for a ride from the airport and he says he needs to go and doesn;t care about how you feel. Most guys will say something sweet like I will make it up to you I promise, nope he just says he needs to go and he left and i was crying. I felt like an idiot. I mean why cry over that? He so arrogant, that it's not even funny. He thinks he's funny, but I don't. Most of my friends don't even like him because he talks too much but respects me. He yelled at me to hurry up when eh was the one who was late. I had so much emotional issues because of him that i didn't know how to deal with. We started talking less and less and I asked him if he liked me, he said he doesn't know. So when I talked ot my friends about it, I made up my mind and I decided to break up with him in late 2010 so that I can begin a fresh new year. He got mad at me and said that I made it into a test tube relationship (must he always bring science into this?) and that I never shared with him how I felt or was open enough. he said we could work things out and I said no. The break up wasn't hard because I broke up with him online because I knew if I broke up with him in person he would take it hard on me and start being defensive and aggressive.

I mean you said you didn't know if you liked me or not and that's one of the reason for the break up and we hardly even communicating. he never tells me stuff about his family nor does he ever express himself. So how can I express myself if he doesn't? Anyways I stayed with him for about 6 months because I just wanted to get experience in relationship.
But if he ask me if i missed him I do because like what you guys said, it's an addiction. You are hoping that he will change for you and be a better man, but like what BCgirl said things will NEVER change because that's how they are and that;s how they always been.

[Wakeup]

Op: It's really time to stop talking about this and actually being pro-active and doing something about it. You've been coming here for a long time and asking for advice and you never do anything to help yourself. To keep responding to your threads is basically enabling you to stagnate in your indicision and lack of self respect.

I told you this back in November and it applies here even though it was in the same church but another pew:

Have you thought about getting some therapy? Being able to trust someone is a state of mind. If you're picking men who prove to you that they are not trustworthy yet you stay with them while they continue to hurt you then it's no wonder you have a hard time wrapping your head around the concept. You first need to learn to be able to exit a situation when its showing you that it's not healthy and you are being hurt in it. Once you are confident enough to tell someone that you'll not be disresepected and then being strong enough to leave them if they continuie to disrespect, then you will find yourself with someone who is trustworthy and it will all become clear to you. That applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones.

You have to trust yourself to KNOW what is in your own best interests and what is not and have the strength to let go when you're being shown untrustworthiness before you'll be able to trust others.

Call social services in your area, or your family doctor and speak to someone about your situation that can actually help you get the strength to leave. They will direct you to the proper people who will help you out of this hell on earth you insist on staying in. So far, we've not convinced you of a thing. So far your sharing your experience has done absolutely nothing to better you. NOTHING. Time to take action. Your many posts are doing very little to make you see.

[iamminzy]

I have a friend who was in a physical/emotionally abusive relationship and about 1 year ago he left her and went to China and she couldn't contact him. I told her to just forget about him and leave him. I think she is also addicted to this relationship too because she is hoping he will change and hopes that he will go get help. But I told her it's not going to work out because he's not going to change. YOU can't change them, ONLY they CAN. But if they aren't willing to change, them that's all we can ever do for them. SOme people are just living in the dark and can't see what's ahead of them or what's blocking them from moving on with there lives and seeing what they are doing that's hurting the other person because they can only see ME in the picture. They are blind and are fools.

[Wakeup]

Op: back in Sept you posted this and you haven't changed a thing: [url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/58993-Worried-scared-of-the-end.-Sorry-its-long[/url]..

It's getting silly for you to keep saying the same thing and never doing anything about it. Why do you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results? I'm sorry but you have a daughter and you should be thinking less about you're fear of leaving and your addiction to this drug of yours called "Abusive boyfriend." You're teaching your daughter that she should accept abuse from men. That it's alright for a woman to be beaten emotionally and physically and that they should just stay and accept that kind of treatment. Think about your daughter. Hopefully that will give you the guts to do what you should have done two years ago.

Again: Call Social Services in your area and talk to someone who can guide you along the way to freedom. It's a sick situation you're putting your daughter and yourself through.

But bcgirl, you explained it perfectly. It is just like an addiction, in fact every bit of what you said is just like we are.

Will you be strong like her and make your move now? Please let us know what you've done to be proactive in getting your daughter away from the battle ground.

[bcgirl]

for the sake of a daughter, you need to get out. What would you want your daughter to do when she is 18 yrs old and is with a boyfriend like yours? It'll break your heart. You need to be strong for your daughter. You need to leave him forever and never turn back. Children who grew up in a household with abusive parents end up to be abusive adults or adults who is more prone to abuse. It's the whole vicious cycle of abuse. I was no different for me. I came from parents who fought a lot (never physical though). When I became an adult, it's no wonder I picked my ex boyfriend to be my lover. In a way I felt comfort in the f*cked up twisted relationship we had, even though the relationship in itself made me upset and cry alot. Psychologically I was f*cked up from my childhood and didn't even know it.

This is a question to the OP: are you confident in yourself? Do you think you will find someone who loves you and treats you well? How was your childhood and upbringing? What was your parent's relationship like?

here is an article for you to read about the 4 stages of abuse: [url]http://www.livestrong.com/article/100480-four-stages-abusive-relationship/[/url]

[MaidenMinx]

Rather than wish you the luck you requested, I wish you strength. I wish you will power. I wish you the self respect to know you deserve better.

[ashley235]

i know how you feel.
i was with this guy for almost 4 years. things were great the first year. but then i moved 2 hours away out of the city, we tried to make it work. well i had to ask my parents to take me to see him, which they were fine with because they liked going to thebig city.
well my parents always drove me to see him, the whole 4 years he never came to see me, except once that i paid for. he didnt want to drive the 2 hours.
when i went to school i cried every morning. if he heard a guys voice in the background he would call me names..i called during passing periods but when i would say i g2g class is going to start he would start yelling, he would start texting me in class just putting me down. we went to a nuggets basketball gamei got really great seats for our 2 yr anniversary..all he wanted to do is go to the smoking area outside and smoke most of the time. i did alot for him, i did what he asked i let him control me.
he started always getting high, always started drinking. he told me he stopped but then his uncle would always sell it to him behind my back.
it felt like all he wanted was sex, he was my first. but i would go to his house,,its all he wanted to do when i first saw him. if i talked to his dad he got mad cause i wasnt in his bed right away. if i didnt feel good its like he forced me to be with him. when i would say no he would actually kick me out of his house, if i was on my period he didnt even want to see me or talk to me. when i didnt see him the 2 weeks he always wanted phone sex..i always said i dont do that,, so he hangs up on me.
he would always yell at me,,push me in public so many times ppl wanted to call the cops..about 4 times the cops came. i always told the cops oh it was a lil fight nothing big..then he started hitting me, pushing me out of his car, leaving me in a town i had no clue where i was, he had my phone. i have a chipped tooth, i had so many black eyes, i had so many bruises from him but i never told my parents.. i kept wanting to leave..honestly after the 1st year i stopped loving him..well it wasnt real love i guess. i didnt know how to end it, i always thought things could get better, or maybe it was my fault..and he was so close w. his dad,,when his dad wasnt so good my ex would always cry and need me, i felt if i left he may do something stupid. so i stayed with him so long..the 3rd and 4rth year we only saw eachother like twice. i didnt talk to him for weeks at a time, i didnt try seeing him. when i was with him i stopped talking to friends delted everything. but after i stopped loving him i started talking to ppl. i started going out and having a life again.
i felt so good just being out, not dealing with the stress, the drama but i still couldnt break up with him.
then he got mad at me cause i went out to dinner for my brothers birthday that day i said i cant take it no more we broke up.
i didnt cry, i felt bad for leading him on and staying with him when i didnt want him. but i felt good that it was over!
i then found a new guy and its been 2 years, we have a son together. he never puts a hand on me, doesnt control me, he stopped drinking and partying for me. his friends all drink and sleep around but he stopped everything for me and i am so thankful that i have him.
but i know this is long! i am sorry but what i am saying is, after him hitting you, and doing drugs and everything u deserve better! you do have the strength to leave him, u just have to find it, everyone has the strength.
and when you leave him you may be sad but then you will realize it was the best thing to leave and you will be happier and find someone else

[bcgirl]

i then found a new guy and its been 2 years, we have a son together. he never puts a hand on me, doesnt control me, he stopped drinking and partying for me. his friends all drink and sleep around but he stopped everything for me and i am so thankful that i have him.

Isn't your new boyfriend married...but not to you?? He is the one who ignores you and your son you have together and spends time with his own wife and family?

[ashley235]

he was married, but we went together and his wife, she knows about me and our baby but she has a bf of her own, so they went and talked to the laywer and everything.
so that situtation is getting cleared up, and he is stepping up for our son!

[bcgirl]

he was married, but we went together and his wife, she knows about me and our baby but she has a bf of her own, so they went and talked to the laywer and everything.
so that situtation is getting cleared up, and he is stepping up for our son!

and so all the problems you've been having about him ignoring your calls, hiding you from the public, not visiting you and your son and spending time with his wife is now all resolved in just a few weeks? I have a big feeling that this douchebag won't be that different than your first boyfriend. Probably even worse since you have a couple of kids with him.

I believe ashley is a perfect case study for the classic "cycle of abuse" and why women keep picking the wrong men.