6 Years... 6 crazy years later... And still not over her.

[Graham Berkeley]

I'm on the cusp of crossing that dreaded line into my 30's here soon. Thought i'd be "older" and "wiser" by now and wouldn't have to seek out advice online... Not the first time.

When I was 23, I fell head over heals in love with a friend of mine. When I say head over heals I mean movie style. Cheesy, romantic, movie style. She was from a conservative, foreign, background and had some pretty stringent courting rituals. I loved it. The romance was intense. Our courtship was just like your grand parents. ALL romance and meeting of the spirits. We'd paint together and I'd drop flowers at her door at least 3 times a week. We wrote each other poetry and love letters for months. I was mad about her. Made the sex so much more worth it once we had it. God was it intimate and intense...

It was very much a clandestine love affair. Her parents would have disowned her if they knew how hard we fell for each other, me a broke white boy from some back water midwest town who had moved to San Francisco with nothing more than his truck and first months rent. Her parents intend her to stay a virgin till the day she married. Married to someone they would practically arrange. Someone from money. Some one "educated". I can't think of a time of my life that was more happy, romantic, cinematic and VIVID than that year and a half. I'll never forget the first time her mother came to visit and I ended up having to sneak out her 6th floor bedroom window and shimmy down the fire escape only to looking as we mouthed the words "I love you" so her mother wouldn't hear.

Eventually her mother caught on. Started telling her if she didn't stop seeing me and focusing on school she'd yank her out of there. Yank her apartment. It put a strain on us. Eventually the normal bickering of a relationship grew out of proportion. "What are you doing with your life, Graham?" "You'll never be anything if you don't go to College." "I'm three years ahead of you!" It got to the point where she was making it absolutely clear I wasn't up to her and her families long term expectations... It was a terrible feeling to have loved someone so much and so deeply to have them look you in the eye and tell you you're not good enough. Not good enough to tell her parents how nuts we were for each other or how I wanted to marry her.

It all became to much. After A LOT of fighting and finger pointing her mother moved in with her and literally slept in the bed next to her. The situation was crushing. I kept telling her to get out of there. To move in with me. That we'd make it work but all she could do was tell me how much I wasn't up to snuff for the long term. I was so worried about my feelings I never thought about how hard it all was on her. I ended up leaving quite dramatically one night. She grabbed me and tried to stop me... I tore away from her grasp...

I was soooo caught up in how I was feeling... How much my ego was hurt... She happened across a journal of mine where I destroyed her in my mind. How much of a bitch I thought she was. How much I hated her. Chest pounding to make me feel better.

We met once briefly afterwards. She was devastated by what she read and held it against me. I chased her trying to explain... She accused me of raping her and that she'd never love me again. A few weeks later she emailed me saying if I ever contacted her again she'd file a restraining order... We never spoke again.

Within a couple of months she hooked up with a guy from our circle of friends. A guy who had tried courting her before her and I got together but she was never into him quoting; "He's a nice and funny guy but morbidly unattractive". She began professing to our friends that he was the love of her life and the first man she had every REALLY loved. Her parents approved of him so he stuck.

That was 6 years ago. I've been in a couple relationships sense. Had to many flings to count... I've started and sold two companies. Had a job at Apple Computers designing mobile applications for 2 years. Met and partied with the Jersey Shore people in Vegas... Not too shabby for a high school drop out. In the last 6 years i've lived an entire lifetimes worth... But never since have I been in love. I came close once... But no... Not like that. She was by no means my first love either. It seemed like the "perfect storm" of events.

After a breakup you question: "Will I love this much again? Will someone love me that much again? Will it ever be that good again?" Its 6 years later and too often I still ask myself that...

[bulrush]

I think you should start dating other women to help you forget her. A whirlwind romance like this can really leave an impression on your heart and might be hard to get over, but you have to try. Have your removed all traces of her from you life? Like gifts from her, pictures of her, things you made with her (you mentioned a painting)?

[Graham Berkeley]

I've had no contact with her for years nor have I had any traces of anything that would remind me of her. No gifts, pics, nada. That advice is good right after a break up but what about years later? I've dated several other women since. One almost turned into something.

What I'm saying is I have no problem finding other women... But I loose interest after a few months when there isn't enough passion, intimacy and I just don't feel as connected to them.

[bcgirl]

I think you missed that intense feeling you had with her at the beginning of the relationship. It was very dramatic like a movie....but, that made it exciting and thrilling i guess....you may not find that drama again though, and you shouldn't seek for that type of drama. Perhaps that is why you aren't "falling hard" for other women these days is because they don't offer you "drama" of being a virgin, of parents who would disown them if they knew of you, of sneeking in and out like James Bond. You highly enjoyed the CHASE. Remember what you did not miss what she has become throughout the relationship.....the nagging girlfriend, the girlfriend who belittled you, the girlfriend who finds a rebound guy in your circle of friends, the girlfriend that accuses you of rape.....she is not that innocent virgin you fell in love with. You will find someone better....someone more compatible with your own personality. That day doesn't just come over night.... it takes time. Although she wasn't your first relationship....you were her first real relationship. She has a lot of growing up from that first relationship and how she needs to treat other boyfriends she has in the future.

[ochriso]

I feel like that right now man and im 23 and just lost a lovely foreign girl. It was all romantic like yours and now she won't even speak to me, hurts so much.