LDR: she can't move

[bulrush]

Me (man) age 41, her age 49

I'm in an LDR with a girl who is really great. She has everything I want in a relationship, and I love her dearly. We are very very compatible in all ways, and we get along great. We have been going out about 6 months. But she is a 2 hour drive away.

We have been dating and talking about sharing our life together. But the other day she decided she cannot leave her job, her house, her friends, or her town. She says she wants to make a life with me, but she can't move. And I can't move either. There just are no jobs for me where she is, and the state I'm in has the worst economy in the nation.

I'm not sure if this will work now, since she has no interest in moving. Any thoughts? Any options of how we might make this work?

[Wakeup]

Me (man) age 41, her age 49

I'm in an LDR with a girl who is really great. She has everything I want in a relationship, and I love her dearly. We are very very compatible in all ways, and we get along great. We have been going out about 6 months. But she is a 2 hour drive away.

We have been dating and talking about sharing our life together. But the other day she decided she cannot leave her job, her house, her friends, or her town. She says she wants to make a life with me, but she can't move. And I can't move either. There just are no jobs for me where she is, and the state I'm in has the worst economy in the nation.

I'm not sure if this will work now, since she has no interest in moving. Any thoughts? Any options of how we might make this work?

Something that ALL people who are long distance dating should first think of before even going out with or taking out a person is "If this catches on like fire, will one of us considering moving?" If the answer is no then you just keep dating for ever or, you don't ask them out again.

Bull: Any reason why you can't just keep doing what you're doing until and if your economy ever improves? Is what you're doing not enough anymore for one or both of you?

[bulrush]

We have both said we really love each other, and want to be life mates. I'm really attached to her, and seeing her only every other week is getting more and more painful. I realize how hard it is to find a perfect match like this, which makes this problem VERY difficult. We started dating because she could easily find a job in my city, but she would lose her pension, which she cannot afford to lose. This really comes down to money: she has no committment issues. She just doesn't want to lose her pension and start all over. So if she won the lottery, I think everything would be ok.

I am having hormone problems right now, so I may not make any decision yet. (I'm feeling down, and the hormone problem is not unexpected, and is being dealt with.) Plus I have other local girls writing me, and while they sound nice, I don't have evidence they are a good match since I am not dating them.

p.s. I talk less about emotions and love, and more about compatibility. This is really hard for me because we are both REALLY compatible, so a long-term thing would work.

[Wakeup]

What about if you both moved closer to one another but still commutible to both your jobs so that you could see each other more often? Would that work or be feasible? Lots of people commute an hour to work each day.

[bulrush]

Neither of us can sell our house. I am upside down on my mortgage like most people, plus Obama created a sales tax for houses. Plus we have the health care tax which started last year I believe. I don't have the money for all those new taxes. Neither does she. Besides, even if I could afford another house, I couldn't afford all the extra gas. Neither could she. Keep in mind that the biggest raise I got in the past 10 years was 1%, and none of my raises in the past 10 years have kept pace with inflation. So most people's incomes have eroded signifcantly.

[Wakeup]

Well, look at it this way then. You've only been dating for 6 months and during that 6 months you've only seen each other once every two weeks so your amount of time getting to know her is much less than the actually 6 months that you've been dating. It wouldn't hurt either of you to get to know one another a bit better before co-habitating anyway. You're still very much in the honeymoon stage of your relationship and that is no time to be moving in with someone. I think people should wait until they've by-passed the glitz and glory and are seeing each other for who they really are. Your honeymoon period will be extended due to not being able to spend a lot of time with one another.

If seeing each other every two weeks is not enough for you, well then I guess you have to make a decision.

Good luck with it.

[bulrush]

Your point about moving in is a good one, but I guess I wasn't clear about my predicament. The point is this: as of right now, we have no future. Because neither of us can move. I wasn't talking about cohabiting right now, maybe in 6-12 months.

[oldskool83]

id peace honestly, this is somthing that needs to be thought about 1st. i always tell ppl i cant move unless ur cool with me working at home depot making $8 part time lol. i not willing to loose my banking job over love...and i own a home i cant sell cuz no one can aford it in my town so screw it.

6mo is some time but if not seeing her alot if not its not that much time. i call peacement!

[Wakeup]

Your point about moving in is a good one, but I guess I wasn't clear about my predicament. The point is this: as of right now, we have no future. Because neither of us can move. I wasn't talking about cohabiting right now, maybe in 6-12 months.

I got that, bull. The advice still stands. Even in a year from now, really you've only spend 6 months getting to know her due to the distance and only being able to see her every other week and only for an overnighter.

If you're both never going to be able to come together and bring your relationship to the next level and you're not happy with only seeing each other every other week then it's a no brainer, I guess. Sad but necessary.

I wonder though, if you're only two hours away, why not see each other every weekend? Her one weekend at your's You the next weekend at her's? I'll tell you that if I were ever to get a divorce that set up would be perfect for me and I'd be willing to do it for years.. hell until I retired (and was collecting the pension I so never wanted to give up) or beyond.
You only get the nice things about someone when you're having all those breaks in between. No?

[bulrush]

Every other weekend I see my son. So that leaves only 2 weekends per month for me to see her.

Well, maybe this winter is just making me moody. I should really think on it.

[Wakeup]

ahhh.. makes sense. Sorry, bullrush.. Hopefully others have some ideas.

[bulrush]

I really should stay away from LDRs in the future. But I've just had such bad luck with local women, it's really depressing. No one around here seems to know the most basic building blocks for a solid relationship. It just makes me cringe.

[Incognito]

Have you thought of the possibility that your relationship is only as good as you think it is [because] you two have limited contact? I mean you only see each other once every other week, so you don't even get a chance to deal with any sort of negativity because you two are so excited to see each other. I have a strong feeling that things wouldn't be so "she's the right one" and "everything is great" if you two lived closer to each other and saw each other every day. Right now it seems like you're living a fantasy more than anything and you are torturing yourself by allowing yourself to think that something like moving is keeping that from becoming a reality.

[Boisdevie]

I see my GF every month and have been doing for the last year and a half. She lives a good 90 minutes away. Seems to work for us. Six months of seeing someone for every other weekend is not a lot. Are you not rushing it a bit? If you do decide to live together can't one of you move and rent out your house to cover the payments. That would allow you to see if it works without selling a house?