Why "we" instead of "you"?

[Incognito]

Yeah this is kinda carry over from the counseling thread, but it is its own topic. Anyway one of the things that came up during the first meeting was that if I point out something that she does that I should say "well [we] need to work on such and such" instead of saying "you".

Is it like that for all you ladies? I personally view that as an inability to take responsibility for your own deficiencies. If I personally suck at whatever I'm not going to insist that you say "we" when addressing my problem as if you somehow participated in it. Likewise I don't address my wife's anger as "our" problem, but as "her" problem. It seems like common sense to simply own one's own problems, but I want to know if this insistence on problem sharing is something that a lot of women do.

[VincenzoG91]

When discussing a problem, "We" builds a sense of teamwork and support, while "you" comes across as accusatory. Even if you are certain that the other person is at fault. Even if it can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other person is at fault.

If you're not willing to be diplomatic while trying to improve your marriage, you might as well just hire an attorney and start the divorce process.

[searock]

^wish I could thank that

[Incognito]

Interesting. I have enough problems of my own to work on. I certainly don't need to placate someone who doesn't want to own up to what they are doing. I appreciate the point you make vincenzo, but I fail to see the fairness. It looks more like a way to placate someone who won't own up to what they are doing as an individual.

[vashti]

Incognito, DARLING! I know I've seen you post about some aggressive things YOU'VE done to your wife... in my observation, anger is indeed a "we" problem.

[Incognito]

Hmm. I had a whole different post together but erased it because we are getting away from the rather general question that I initially asked. Vashti, if you got angry at your boyfriend for things he had nothing to do with why would you feel that he had to bring it up as a "we/our" problem instead of just owning the fact that you did something uncalled for and unfair? Or do you take a different stance?

[searock]

if you have with your wife the same attitude you have on this forum i can see why she would say that. seems like you are angry at her rather than the opposite. seems like you hate her or something.

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah this is kinda carry over from the counseling thread, but it is its own topic. Anyway one of the things that came up during the first meeting was that if I point out something that she does that I should say "well [we] need to work on such and such" instead of saying "you".

Is it like that for all you ladies? I personally view that as an inability to take responsibility for your own deficiencies. If I personally suck at whatever I'm not going to insist that you say "we" when addressing my problem as if you somehow participated in it. Likewise I don't address my wife's anger as "our" problem, but as "her" problem. It seems like common sense to simply own one's own problems, but I want to know if this insistence on problem sharing is something that a lot of women do.

Because "We" is non-confrotational, while "You" is a personal attack.

[vashti]

Hmm. I had a whole different post together but erased it because we are getting away from the rather general question that I initially asked. Vashti, if you got angry at your boyfriend for things he had nothing to do with why would you feel that he had to bring it up as a "we/our" problem instead of just owning the fact that you did something uncalled for and unfair? Or do you take a different stance?

Without two people, isn't it true that there wouldn't be a problem? For example, her not wanting sex wouldn't be a problem if she were on her own, but since she isn't, it is a problem for you both. Her hostility wouldn't be an issue without you there, nor would your passive-aggressive behavior be a problem if SHE weren't there.

Not sure that made any sense...

[Wakeup]

Edited: Your wife's anger that she directs at you when you've perceived yourself to have been doing nothing but innocently minding your own business is stemming from frustration within your union, I think. She's not communicating what that frustration is (yet) and I suggest that if all it takes for you to address this particular problem and get it resolved that you refer to it as "we" "our" problem then you should probably go ahead and relinquish that to her.

Is it fair? Yes, if as I say her general state of anger is stemming from frustrations and mis-understandings that are underlying within your relationship in general.

It's not a real big deal to acquiscent to this one small request. Is it? Particularily if it gets her addressing and improving on her reaction(s).

[Incognito]

Ok, so it will be fair to also say that because I generally dislike people that it is "our" problem that "we" need to work on even though she as in individual is rather outgoing and likes people?

[Wakeup]

Ok, so it will be fair to also say that because I generally dislike people that it is "our" problem that "we" need to work on even though she as in individual is rather outgoing and likes people?

I would say "yes" because the very fact that you're not compatible in your social levels is a problem for both of you. There is a compromise in there that if you're both open to it, you'll be able to come to terms with where you'll both be happy. Or, at the very least neither of you will try to control the other to be more like them. (????)

[HeartIsAching]

Ok, so it will be fair to also say that because I generally dislike people that it is "our" problem that "we" need to work on even though she as in individual is rather outgoing and likes people?

Yep. Sauce for the goose...

[Incognito]

Ok. I don't agree, but at least it isn't lopsided. If her anger is [our] problem, which saying makes me want to puke, then my faults will also be chalked up as [our] faults. Urgh, it makes me feel a bit sick to actually take partial responsibility for an action that has brought me so much pain and frustration for years.

[IndiReloaded]

When discussing a problem, "We" builds a sense of teamwork and support, while "you" comes across as accusatory. Even if you are certain that the other person is at fault. Even if it can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other person is at fault.

If you're not willing to be diplomatic while trying to improve your marriage, you might as well just hire an attorney and start the divorce process.

This^. Its basic diplomacy.

"I" and "we" = inclusive
"You" and "them" = excluding and confrontational. Its the first stage of hostile language.

I highly recommend a book for you Cog. Plus its cheaper than counselling. Its called "How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable".