Still uncomfortable?

[GagaRoma]

I understand guys will view porn, even in a relationship guys will. But it's something that still continues to make me feel awkward despite knowing guys will do this.

There's been several times there's been many porn images on my boyfriend's phone. He goes onto cam sites, looks up images, and also has some playboys. Tonight, for example, my boyfriend and I were looking up funny videos. He typed in "palpatine" into the search bar, under it were suggestions and previous searches. One of the "suggestions" was "partygirls getting spanked" and it was in purple, so it was something he had previously looked up. It made me feel a little awkward. He "reassured" me by saying how he will always look at other women and likes to, how he has always done that, but how he loves me. He asked me "When's the last time you looked up hot guys? Oh, well you're emotionally attached to me. Well I don't want you to just focus on me. maybe you should look at other guys too"... And I have noticed other hot guys since dating my boyfriend, but in my mind physically my boyfriend was ever all I'd want to look at specifically the most though. Maybe that's the thing? Maybe I'm too attached emotionally and physically? But I never thought that'd be a bad thing. he said the porn makes him happy. Which made me wonder, cause well yes, masturbating feels good, but I try so hard to make him happy. I try not to be insecure, but seeing the type of stuff he looks up/at can make me feel like there's something in these other women i don't have/give him. is it normal to feel like that? He also said all guys do that, how I should just "be happy and get over it" and to "please get over it". It's like he wanted to make me get over it, but you can't just make people get over things by telling them to!

I don't know what to do. Months ago I first found out what he was into when it came to porn. I had never known before. Now it still bothers me a bit despite knowing guys will do that. it's just the frequency and amount my boyfriend does that I think makes me feel most awkward. He looks at it every day that I am not with him. He also said he looks at porn because he is "curious" but it's not like we have sex occasionally. And I am willing to try anything with him. our sex life is quite active. We will usually go 2 rounds in a day, sometimes 3 but rarely, and have sex when we see each other which can be about 3-4 times a week. So that means roughly about 6 or up to 9 times having sex a week. he justifies his porn habits by saying how other guys do that and how his father does that and how his mom doesn't care that his father does. Well his parents have been married for a long time and they don't have sex often. Also i am sure his father doesn't look at porn every day.

Since finding out months ago this is STILL an ongoing thing that bothers me every time I see something that he will look up/at. Is this something I need to just get over? is it right of how he's justifying it? I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to the frequency of looking at porn. I need advice though of what to do?

[searock]

Assuming you didn't know about it, would his porn-watching somehow damage ANY other aspect of his life?

[GagaRoma]

Of his life? It wouldn't seem to. Although when we first started having sex, he'd masturbate to the point where he wouldn't be able to actually have sex with me. He said porn makes him happy. And that if we were to ever get married I'd just see him doing that or to accept it or something like that. I soooo badly want to just get over the fact he looks at porn. But I don't know how to? It bothers me even though I know it's how guys are. Is there a way I can just get myself to get over it?

[searock]

If his porn habit is damaging his sex life, he has an addiction which he should get hold of. If his sex life is now good as it is, it means he probably has, and there's nothing to worry about now. 99.9% of men watch porn, that I know of. It really doesn't mean anything, relationship-wise.

[GagaRoma]

I know it's not a reflection of myself, or has anything to do with me. He said he's always been doing that. Which I understand. But I am trying to not let it bother me. My brain seems to think of it in two ways. 1 way is that it's a normal guy thing the other is that for some reason it bothers me. I want to have it not bother me.

[searock]

Why do you think it's bothering you so much?

[GagaRoma]

I think it bothers me because, first seeing it all made me feel a little insecure. I had never been with a guy long enough to come across such a thing. I figured eventually I possibly could have. But At first I felt awkward about it or a little uncomfortable. Which seems to be many women's initial reaction. But then later they seem to not care. And I would love to just not care about it. Possibly since I only focus on him, I guess in my mind, as selfish and as unrealistic as this thought is, I just always wanted to feel special and like the "only one". Even though I know everyone looks at/checks out the opposite sex. I just always wanted to feel "special" to someone in every way. So to see the porn too just made me feel not good enough even though I know isn't the case. He's also awful at reassuring me with things and can be stubborn or get frustrated or "not know what to do" when I am sad. So I guess in ways I feel like he doesn't care. Which also probably doesn't help me feel better about this too.

[MaidenMinx]

If you can accept that he looks at it, the next step is to not distress yourself by discussing it with him. When you by chance see something that disturbs you (I too can accept that guys have to look at porn, yet have trouble being comfortable with the idea that my husband does) just let it go. Breathe deeply and ignore it.

[GagaRoma]

And that's the thing, I want to discuss it more, as much as it's awkward and "personal" and "stuff I wasn't supposed to see" (he puts it that way) I think talking to him more about it would give me a better understanding. We've talked about this before but all he'd say was how everyone does that and then he wanted me to get over it. he said he's a curious guy who likes variety. Which I get it's how guys are, just still feeling comfortable with that fact he does is for some reason the hardest for me. Despite discussing it before with him, even though it was more so him seeming to stubbornly defend it, I haven't yet just become comfortable with it. And I don't know what'd exactly make me totally comfortable. I understand it's selfish to suggest that he just stop doing that because 1) it's something he's been doing since he was younger and 2) that's just ridiculous and he'd do it anyway. him sneaking around wouldn't make it any better. So I'd never suggest to him to stop that for the sake of my feelings. There has to be a middle ground, but I'm not sure what it'd be other than me somehow having an epiphany on the whole matter and getting over it. I can try asking him questions regarding it like how often, what type of stuff, things like that just so I'd be aware, and possibly being exposed to what/why/when could help somehow. It's like one of those things where the more I come across it the less it has such a harsh emotional impact, though it still will bother me a little. I'd hope talking more about it would help. Other than that I'm not quite sure.

[pisces25]

Looking at it everyday seems excessive, for someone in a relationship. I know everyone will say stuff like 'guys will always watch porn' etc, but at the end of the day if you are uncomfortable with how much he does it and how it makes you feel and you have told him that he needs to respect that. If he continues to do it knowing it makes you feel uncomfortable then he is not taking your feelings into consideration. You need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship knowing he will most likely not change. To me this isn't so much about the porn, it's more about him disrespecting how it makes you feel.

Think of it this way. If he did coke everyday or got smashed on alcohol everyday and you told him you weren't comfortable with that, would you stay with him if he just continued to do it?

[GagaRoma]

Well, I don't know if he does every day, but my guess would be he does based on what he's said. Though I could just ask. But he might lie and tell me it's not all the time anyway. The frequency of it always seemed to bother me, but more the "how I feel" about it aspect, definitely. He'll constantly ask me why I feel the way I do about it. I do my best to describe how it makes me feel and why and he will always tell me how guys are just like that, or how other guys save and have stuff on their phones, and always ask why it bothers me, and tells me it shouldn't. I told him we just have different feelings about it and that we should consider each others feelings with it and talk so we both can work it out. I told him how I can be sensitive sometimes and how I just care a lot and that I can't help if it makes me feel a little awkward and that I try to get over that feeling. and he'll always say "well I don't know what else to tell you" as if to say "well this is just how it is".

[pisces25]

Exactly. So his attitude of 'well that is just how it is' is something you need to consider. Are you happy with being told that? As I said it seems at this point he will continue doing this, which means you will continue to feel uncomfortable and you need to ask yourself can you be in a relationship long-term feeling like that?

[GagaRoma]

That's what's happening though. The more situations happen where I feel uncomfortable or not assured I reflect back on everything. As a result, I don't think I've been exactly as happy as I once was. And it's bad enough my family thinks I deserve better but now I am starting to wonder as well.

Another instance: Last Saturday we had sex. 2 times. I guess emotionally I wasn't really "feeling it" so I just didn't cum. I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to climax. Which I told him afterwards. He offered to touch me but kept saying how he was hungry so I just said "no, it's fine, plus you're hungry anyway", I didn't want to hold him up from eating. Well some time later that night I was in the mood again though, naturally, because I hadn't been satisfied. At one point he got tired so we layed down. I mentioned again how I wish I could have came and he got frustrated and said "well what do you want from me?! To go a 3rd time?! I already came a lot! I'm either a 1, 2, or even 3 time guy, even 3 is rare. I came a lot I can only go so much". And I got frustrated and in return said "fine, I'll just **** myself then" and he became so incredibly uncomfortable. I guess the thought of it bothered him. Well either way I said it because he was frustrated with me and I was only trying to talk about how I felt and he like snapped. Anyway, so the next day comes. I'm still feeling in the mood since I STILL didn't climax. I didn't see him that day but could have since it was Sunday. I had nothing else going on. But he wasn't interested in seeing me. I was in the mood again though and literally flat out told him at one point that I was horny since I hadn't climaxed and still had the urge to and would want to have sex if he'd be interested and he made up a bunch of reasons why that day wouldn't work.

And also, the last few times we've had sex, I just want something more passionate. I've mentioned to him several times I'd just even like something like more kissing or my neck kissed and he doesn't do it. And I'll tell him "next time can you?" and nothing. I don't know what's going on lately. Before he'd seem so concerned if I didn't cum, or keep in mind what I like when it comes to sex.

[smackie9]

How long have you two been together? If you have been together for just over a year...guess what, things do wind down, and that passion you once had dies down which is normal .

People get to a point where the relationship gets routine, you get comfortable with each other and things get boring. Most couples that have been together for a long time know you have to change things up a bit, like performing each others fantasies (reasonable ones), role playing, sexy lingerie, putting on a wig and wearing sexy heels, sex out doors, trying out some sex toys, etc. Have you done any of that? What about masturbating in front of him or watching a soft porn together?

[pisces25]

It appears the porn thing is just one of the things you are frustrated with. Honestly all I can advise is to talk to him about this, tell him your needs are not being met, give examples of how things were in the past re sex compared to now. Do it all in a non-confrontational way. If he doesn't change or continues to disregard your feelings, again you have to really decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

I have been in a similar situation so I empathise with you. It is a horrible feeling.