the love of your life

[durkapea]

Hi,

I have an off-the wall question. I fell for a guy as he did for me in a span of 2 months last summer.... Then I got scared, sent him a stupid email (he was overseas on a vacation) and he wrote me off (he didn't live in my hometown although his family does). We are not holding grudges, he's a good guy and I'm a good girl...and he said that I scared him away...understandably so, I did. I realized that later, learned a lot from my behaviour and once things settled in my life (which was chaotic and really stressful at the time) was able to gain some good perspective on things. I went out, flirted online...everything was fine until Valentine's Day. Then I got extremely 'weirded' out. His bday was right around the corner and I sent him an ecard and he thanked me for remembering. Last summer, we actually only spent a whole 10 days together and then wrote for 2 months while he was away...then he invited me to go to his city but things fell apart over email. But during those 10 days things got really intense..he saw himself getting attached to me and I think we both got scared over how quickly the whole thing happened. The point is, it's 6 months later and I have no closure on this issue - the guy changed me in every possible way - he's opened me up to love again, he broke down the fear I had of intimacy and he made me absolutely crazy. I have never felt that way before (I'm 31, he's 30)...I've been with a really bad player for 4 years (my first) and he's left some bad scars (which was a long time ago) and now I'm realizing this guy actually mended these scars away. I know that you take away something from every relationship - my point is, we never gave this relationship a chance. I told him in the end that what makes me sad is that we will never know what would happen (as he refused to see me when he came back). He said that he was sure he would see me the next time he was in town...but maybe he was just trying to make it easier on me....he told me that he wouldn't judge me for what I did in the future (but that he wouldn't forget either) ...and he said that probably the reason I reacted that way (we met through my brother) was because I haven't had guys pay that much attention to me in a long time (which was true)..and he said that we were friends...Anyway, it's been 6mo and every night I go to bed and I keep hoping that one day I'll get a phone call saying..."come to Cali for a week". I dated guys since him (nothing serious), just to force myself to go out, but I can't beat him out of my head. All I want is to find out for sure if we would be compatible...that's ALL. So I wrote him an email (which I haven't sent) telling him just that...thanking him for opening me up to love again and for breaking down my fear of intimacy and for changing me for the better. I realized he's been pivotal in my life..am I totally crazy for wanting him to know that?I mean, men especially...if you got an email from a girl you really liked telling you these feelings 6 months later but who disappointed you (he said that what I wrote to him over email last summer reminded him of an ex which is why he broke it off) would you think she was completely 'off the wagon' so to speak, to say that to you?

Thanks any input here would be appreciated...

Thanks all...these posts are wonderful when you're beating your head against the wall.

[bohemiandonut]

If you want him back, you have to stop being so self-centered. You have abandon all that pride and beg. You hurt this guy, and he was smart enough to make the call that he didn't want to be involved with someone who would treat him that way.

If you contact him and apologize, and tell him your perspective has totally changed and all that mush about him "mending your scars" and "opening you up to love," the guy will probably be so touched as to give you another chance. But you need to put your head down for a minute, do you understand? Bite your tongue and don't try to defend yourself. If he needs to vent, let him vent. Get me?

You may have lost him. Don't think he owes you anything. If he's done with you, then at least you will learn that you can't just take people for granted and expect them to be there forever.

Good luck.

[durkapea]

hey Bohemiandonut,

Thanks for your response. I wasn't self centered at all - I apologized right after I sent that email (literally, I pressed send and didn't mean to and sent another email afterwards...it's not like it took me 6 months to realize what I did...I told him I was a *****, that I was stressed out, that I just received some bad news and snapped...but I reminded him of an ex and he wouldn't forgive me and then the whole thing happened over email and we couldn't talk and it was frustrating..so I apologized again and again and explained myself and was really regretful and remorseful about it.. People have done a lot worse I think - I didn't lie, didn't cheat, didn't deceive...nothing like that...and it had nothing to do with him. I don't expect that he will be there forever - I don't take people for granted...ever!! All I did was fall for the guy, became weak and vulnerable and scared. And now, it's been 6 months and nobody has touched me the way he has - and I can't get over it.

[durkapea]

My point is - I don't think anybody will touch me the way he has...at least not until, I know for sure that we are not compatible...do you see what I mean? I think I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't send it....10 years down the road, I'll be married and I'll always wonder..'what if?'...do you ever have those moments? This was a brief encounter, it wasn't even a relationship per se although we did get attached to each other...it's crazy, I know.
Sorry for rambling.

[bohemiandonut]

I believe you, okay?

But you're being defensive, regardless of how truthful you are. That would be something you do not want to do to him. You want him to think you've grown, matured, evolved. That's the only way you'll have a chance.

Got me?

[durkapea]

Thanks Bohemiandonut...I needed to hear that...and the part that I was self centered too...you have NO idea how much your insight has helped me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart..:-)

[Only-virgins]

HELLLLLL NOOOOOOOO am I going to read all that.

[KirstyM]

If you dont read, dont reply.

[bohemiandonut]

Thanks Bohemiandonut...I needed to hear that...and the part that I was self centered too...you have NO idea how much your insight has helped me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart..:-)

**Donut looks at the screen and wipes a single tear from his cheek. He bites his bottom lip and stares off into the horizon. Silently, he picks himself up and begins off towards the sunset, walking stick in hand. "My work here is done," you hear him whisper, as he slowly fades with the dying light.**

Hehe, you are absolutely welcome! Your gratefulness is beautiful and I am very proud!

Best of luck love!

[Junket]

Here's some input for future posts.

We here at Loveforum like paragraph seperation, at the least. It makes reading your long and complicated problems easier to navigate.

Making bold the main points also works.

And a quick summary at the end is super as well.

And this should go without bein' said, but, don't forget proper punctuation and grammar.

[durkapea]

Geezjus donut..ok...I was just being nice. Don't go all poetic on me :-)My point was, that I came on this board not really expecting anyone to comment or help in any way and you did - and so quickly.

I sent him that email last night - I don't really care what happens. I think the guy will laugh at me but I needed to do it. I mean, I hope he doesn't laugh...and if he does, he wouldn't do it to my face. He lives far away anyways. I've been with guys before but the chemistry was never as great as it was with him and we even got closer when we were apart (as paradoxical as that sounds). Anyway, I don't mean to get all sentimental and crap...I just really like the guy, that's all. And every time I try to go out with someone, it just feels all wrong and weird for me. And so I guess it still hurts that we never got a chance to get to know each other to figure it out -whether it would work. And THAT's what sucks - that there is no closure ..because we'll go through life never really knowing.

OK..I'll stop..I'm rambling. sorry. cheers

[bohemiandonut]

If I might, one more bit of advice: Be a little more confident.

A lack of self-esteem just oozes out of you. That's the root of all your problems. Look at me! I'm utterly smug and arrogant! And you know what? It's great.

Peace.

[Only-virgins]

If I might, one more bit of advice: Be a little more confident.

A lack of self-esteem just oozes out of you. That's the root of all your problems. Look at me! I'm utterly smug and arrogant! And you know what? It's great.

Peace.

I would probably punch you in the face if you were acting arrogant and annoying around me.

[Cybog]

If you dont read, dont reply.

Um, didn't YOU post this:

"I cant be bothered reading anything of that length."

[URL=http://www.loveforum.net/showthread.php?p=78237#post78237]Over here on THIS thread?[/URL]

Pot. Kettle. Black. All that shit.

[durkapea]

hi guys,

Well he wrote back. Here is the entire message. Sorry that it's long.
Initially I thought it was nice - now I think he is being a little dismissive. Ughhh..how I embarrassed myself by writing all that!!!!


My pleasure to open you up to a beautiful world.

Ciao bella

here is the msg:

>
> For whatever reason I've been thinking a lot about you recently. I think
> Valentine's Day weirded me out and your birthday is just beforehand...my
> Gawwd..this must have created some serious havoc with your ex-gf's.:-)
>
> Anyway, I am at home sick and I've been sick for 2 weeks now..I go to work
> on and off but I can't seem to beat this thing.
> So this happens to be one of those 'sick in bed with the flu' sort of
> weekends.
>
> I wanted to write you and tell you how much you've opened me up. It may be
> crazy but - I needed to tell you. For this reason, I think you'll always
> remain a special friend in my heart and although my first relationship
> really did leave some damaging scars, you have managed to mend them. I
think
> that's why when I was with you, I told you I didn't see the point of being
> friends with that ex - and I cut all contact with him soon afterwards and
he
> hasn't bothered me since :-). So I wanted to say a big heartfelt thank
you
> for opening me up to love again....for letting me feel the way I did and
for
> being truly respectful (obviously I've had some violating disrespectful
> situations in the past)....but most importantly for breaking down the huge
> wall of fear that I had of intimacy. How you managed to accomplish this
feat
> in 2 mo - I have no idea; I couldn't do it for over 2 years! No matter how
> much I try to improve and understand myself, I now know I couldn't have
> broken down that wall alone. And for THAT, I can't thank you enough!! And
of
> course..you have NO idea how much that has changed me for the better -
> professionally and personally. Professionally, because I realized that I
> wasn't living to my full potential and took control of my life again and
> personally - for forcing me to stick a mirror to my face and see my ugly
> faults and realize that I was self-centered and to never ever take anyone
> for granted...I've even become somewhat spiritual as a result (not
> religious, just spiritual.. in a modern 'unique' sort of way..:-). In
> essence I think what I'm saying is that it is difficult for me to let you
> go. I know you said that there was 'nothing between us' and maybe it was
> true as we weren't even going out but obviously there was (for me) since 6
> months later I'm still thinking about you.
>
> So how is THAT for an 'off the wall - out of the blue - why is she
emailing
> me again' sort of email??
> Sorry - I hope you can understand why I needed to send it. I guess I'm
> starting to realize that the chances of seeing or hearing from you again
are
> next to nil and it just sucks. And I don't want to live with regrets - so
if
> I chose to keep this to myself forever, I know I'd always regret it....