Marriage woes

[blue102]

Hi, I have posted on this forum before but it's been a long time.

I feel like my marriage is in a bad place. Nothing in particular is wrong, we get along fine, have sex, etc. But we have two little kids and I feel completely emotionally estranged from him.

We talk, but there is nothing to talk about apart from mundane life things. We had a huge argument a few years ago and he said some things I can't forgive him for. He seems to not respect me as a person, and only needs me to raise his kids for him. He sort of neglects me emotionally while I do everything I can to make him feel good about himself.

He has a weird habit of putting me down several minutes/ hours after I give him a major compliment-- like he gets a big head or something. On Valentine's Day, he did/ said nothing at all, till later that night I started crying so he ran to the store and bought me a potted plant.

I've never felt a deep desire for him and I often find myself fantasizing about other men. I have even semi-seriously considered having an affair. I'm an attractive woman and men come on to me frequently, and it gets rough when the one at home seems to not appreciate me one bit.

(Don't chew me out please, I know it's bad, but I have never cheated and don't think I would.)

I think I love my husband, but I am not sure. Oh, and we've been married 8 years, together for 10, we are in our very early 30s.

Any advice?

[pisces25]

Why did you marry this person? Think back to how you felt then and describe it.

[blue102]

I had been dating my ex (long term relationship), was engaged to the ex. Ex cheated, then I started dating hub. Ex wanted me back and I told him to go jump in a lake. I saw hub as a nice guy who would be a good dad (and he is).

[pisces25]

You say you think you love him but honestly I think if you did you would know it and there'd be no 'I think' about it. Perhaps you just feel attached to him, or comfortable with him.

I know I am stating the obvious but the emotional intimacy is completely absent so this is what you need to address if you want the marriage to remain intact. A big problem I can see from your info is the fact you can't forgive him from what happened a few years ago. This is blocking your ability to connect with him emotionally. As are all the other things he does such as the putting you down, not respecting you etc.

The other problem is the fact you don't have and never felt a deep desire with him. In this respect it is natural you are going to be finding yourself fantasizing about other men. Do not cheat. There is no need for that. Not whilst you are still married anyway. It will achieve NOTHING. Temporary 'happiness' perhaps but the shit-storm it will cause is not worth it.

You need to figure out if you want to stay with this man and honour your vows. If you do then things need to change and you guys need to sit down and have a big chat, lay it all on the table. If that doesn't work it may require the assistance of a marriage counsellor. And also try and forgive him for whatever happened because until that is done the emotional connection will remain absent. Love is forgiveness. And without forgiveness there can be no love.

[blue102]

Thanks. I do want to save the marriage (for the kids' sake.) I feel like a brat saying these things. He is a good guy and I am lucky to have him.

And the hard thing is, I have talked to him, but he blows it off. Time and time again he just blows it off or says I'm PMSing. He won't change anything because he knows I won't leave.

[HeartIsAching]

Hi, I have posted on this forum before but it's been a long time.

I feel like my marriage is in a bad place. Nothing in particular is wrong, we get along fine, have sex, etc. But we have two little kids and I feel completely emotionally estranged from him.

We talk, but there is nothing to talk about apart from mundane life things. We had a huge argument a few years ago and he said some things I can't forgive him for. He seems to not respect me as a person, and only needs me to raise his kids for him. He sort of neglects me emotionally while I do everything I can to make him feel good about himself.

He has a weird habit of putting me down several minutes/ hours after I give him a major compliment-- like he gets a big head or something. On Valentine's Day, he did/ said nothing at all, till later that night I started crying so he ran to the store and bought me a potted plant.

I've never felt a deep desire for him and I often find myself fantasizing about other men. I have even semi-seriously considered having an affair. I'm an attractive woman and men come on to me frequently, and it gets rough when the one at home seems to not appreciate me one bit.

(Don't chew me out please, I know it's bad, but I have never cheated and don't think I would.)

I think I love my husband, but I am not sure. Oh, and we've been married 8 years, together for 10, we are in our very early 30s.

Any advice?

You want the short answer, or the long answer?

Ok, short answer - seek a marriage counselor. Don't just stop at the first/cheapest/whatever you find, try more than one until you find the one that works for both of you.

Long answer - he's insecure, distrustful of you and emotionally abusive. It doesn't appear (from this post) to be severe, but that's just an impression from what you've written.

When you compliment him, he doesn't trust you, and doesn't believe that you really mean what you say. In fact from the reaction, it's likely he believes you really mean the exact opposite. He retaliates by putting you down which makes him feel better about himself. You could try using an [URL="http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html"]I Statement[/URL] to explain to him how what he does makes you feel.

Example:

When you put me down, I feel sad and lonely and I want you to stop.

It's impossible to argue with how someone feels. If they try ("That's silly. You shouldn't feel that way") you simply say "You don't get to tell me how I feel."

But really I think counseling is the answer.

[Wakeup]

I've never felt a deep desire for him and I often find myself fantasizing about other men. I have even semi-seriously considered having an affair.

Why would you stay with him and cheat? Why not just leave him and screw whom ever pays you this attention you're so sorrily lacking from your spouse?

What keeps you there except perhaps mistakingly martyring yourself for the sake of your children?

I think marriage counceling is a good idea if you're unable to actually making him understand that the way he is indifferent to you emotionally and as his life-partner (key word there is partner is making you seriously contemplate leaving the marrage. You have to actually mean that before you say it though or he'll not believe it anymore than you do.

You both totally take one another for granted by the sounds of things. We're like magnets and we attract back to us what we put out.. both of you are attracting indifference, an emotional dis-connect and boredom.

What is a plan that you can come up with that you could take to him and discuss with him that would start you both back on the track to an exciting and reciprocal union?

I think you owe it to him to give him a proper chance to redeem himself before you use his inability to meet your current needs as a excuse (not a reason) to cheat.

Good luck.

[dem862]

If you love someone, you don't need a piece of paper to stay together.
If you don't love them, a piece of paper won't keep you together.

As for the kids, it is better to witness mommy and daddy happy apart
than unhappy and fighting together.

[angelsnairwaves]

Your marriage IS in a bad place if you are considering having an affair. Although I dont blame you for thinking about it- thinking leads to doing. You are in a risky place. If you do have an affair, your problems will only get worse. You need to focus on making yourself feel better rather than focusing on making him feel good. If you have talked to him about this before, and if this has been going on for a long time and he doesnt seem to want to change, then I would consider leaving. Maybe if you tell him these things he will realize how serious it is and change. You are thinking of being with other men and the only thing holding you back is your unsatisfying marriage. You are holding yourself back at this point.

[IndiReloaded]

This kind of thing sounds completely normal. Marriage goes through stages. Getting through this one means developing a thick skin and a sense of perspective. Your husband sounds like he has some deep insecurities he's trying to deal with. Hard as it is, don't take his insults to heart, rather view them as a symptom of a problem he is having. That's not to say you should let him insult you, but instead of getting your own back up just tell him calmly his insult has hurt your feelings and you don't appreciate him taking his problems out on you. Then ask what is really bothering him and how you can help. Counselling is another option as suggested. Conquer them with love. That's what the marriage vow you signed up for means, afterall. Good luck.