Lessons I Wish Someone Smacked Into Me Six Months Ago

[pisces25]

How old are you?

[ChrisMac]

Not sure why this matters but I'm 33.

[smackie9]

#1. So you were secure.....the problem was, just telling her you care blah blah blah is not proper communication that was needed. You needed to ask her some serious questions and shouldn't back down until you git truthful answers. Sometime people fear too much losing that person, so they avoid rocking the boat...so with that you thought by telling yourself you did trust her and laughed it off trying to show her that you were a big boy and was not going to be threatened by the ex's advances....that just made her feel she was off the hook for it. The ex wasn't the cause, she was. The ex would have given up if she cut off all contact, but she was still talking to him, lying to you...all this is very difficult to handle when you are miles away in another country. And who the hell knows how long this was going on for.

To your #3, A lot of female posters have quoted that they expect the guy to "make it official". And how frustrated they are because their BF won't step up and be a man, take the lead, and make the move to suggest taking the relationship to the next level. I know there are aggressive women like myself that would rather take the reins and decide when and what BUT the majority of women don't. Now I must stress, and I do hear ya about being too available and too agreeable when interacting which loses interest, but women don't like a guy that is doormat-ish, and put them up on a pedestal, but they do want a guy that IS proactive in making decisions, like what HIA said, it should be a partnership. If you don't, it looks like you don't care, and they start feeling neglected, and look somewhere else.

#4, don't have an LDR if you want something that won't give you too many issues. LDR's may seem like a real relationship but they are not because it lacks a lot of reality. Your impression of one another on line gets distorted, and when you finally do spend time physically together for at least a few weeks to a month, you could find yourself disappointed, they are not what you had in mind.....I feel this is what happened with her, so she used the ex as an excuse to end it.

#5,6 This is where the need for compatibility comes into play. It's just a matter of finding the right someone that has a lot in common with you, is easy to communicate with, has the same goal, etc. It's a tall order, but that is what dating is all about...trial and error til you do find the perfect fit. This goes to show you that a relationship cannot survive on love alone.


Your last statement is very true. I preach it all the time that you need a life outside the relationship, to be your own person, do your own thing, and to keep your identity...especially for women. So many women feel they need a man in order to feel whole and to give them a life....that fails.

I also agree about personal space, and not to over do it with the affection, attention,....small doses yes, but not so much as a challenge but to make the attention feel as "special". It's no different when you are only allowed to eat ice cream...sure it taste great and you love it, but after awhile you get sick of it and don't want it anymore.

So all and all everyone one here has some good points to follow. It may not work all the time but at least there is a better understanding of what doesn't work. Get up dust yourself off and move forward.

[ChrisMac]

Appreciate the thoughtful response and I concur with the vast majority of it. Not sure the distortion you speak of in the LDR is the real cause... we were seeing each other every other weekend from Aug to Dec last year and two full weeks and everything was great, then had six weeks apart and when I came back it all fell apart. This is enough time for feelings to change somewhat, sure, but probably not to distort someone's memory.

The root causes to me are still #s 5-6 and especially 1. I think we probably wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway because aside from similar tastes in music, movies, food, etc., there was a lot in terms of communication style that was challenging for us, especially me being very open and direct, and her not liking to share anything going on in her head.

But yes, I think you're dead on with the ex situation. I did try to play it too cool, and I could have still remained cool while drawing the line at cutting it off. You're right, I let it happen, and had I made it clear it wouldn't be tolerated she may have actually respected it more. I'm very confident she's back with him now, and for that to happen two weeks after I get here and one week after we break up suggests this was indeed going on for some time.

Anyway, what's done is done and I'm struggling to learn and walk away the better man but it'll happen. Thanks for the thoughts.

[smackie9]

I don't think this falls too much on your reactions.....just made some poor choices, like you mentioned dating someone still connected with their ex (not all cases but most spells trouble). As for seeing each other twice a month.......that's not enough to sustain a solid relationship for a needy woman, especially when the relationship is so new. She didn't handle the situation well either.....she lacks responsibility, and truthfulness......this turns us back to her communication issues. Oh well you live and learn. Just date locally and stay close to your family.

[ChrisMac]

I don't think this falls too much on your reactions.....just made some poor choices, like you mentioned dating someone still connected with their ex (not all cases but most spells trouble). As for seeing each other twice a month.......that's not enough to sustain a solid relationship for a needy woman, especially when the relationship is so new. She didn't handle the situation well either.....she lacks responsibility, and truthfulness......this turns us back to her communication issues. Oh well you live and learn. Just date locally and stay close to your family.

Fair enough. Though much of the reason why I took a job in another country was because of my family.

[ChrisMac]

So after two weeks of no contact, she messages me yesterday saying "It's a beautiful day out, would you like to get coffee sometime? Maybe next week? x". I tell her I'm pretty busy. She insists, saying just an hour or so after work. I cave and we agree on Tuesday. She messages 10 mins later and says "Can we do earlier? I want to see you before Tuesday." I tell her no. Four hours later she texts "Weird question: what's the biggest non-work, non-school achievement you've ever made?" Three hours later she texts saying "I would kill for dessert right now".

I've realized none of the "why"s matter. The girl is simply nuts.

[searock]

No, she is just trying to engage you in conversation in a funny/witty way.

[ChrisMac]

[QUOTE=searock;795928]No, she is just trying to engage you in conversation in a funny/witty way.[/QUOTE

Fine. Funny/witty and nuts.

[miffy]

The girl is not "nuts". She clearly cares about you, but where that may take you is another matter.

I heartily agree with one of your points by the way, that being that you need to lead your own life confidently and with happiness, in order to be able to lead a healthy and working relationship with anyone. I experienced a similar story myself a few years back, and it turned out similarly, though at that point it was I that broke it off. However, I only really got into that situation because I was not fully happy with the rest of my life, and prioritizing my partner over myself and my life. That not only doesn't work out for yourself in the long run, it is unhealthy for a relationship and usually turns off your partner to an extent (if they are healthy and confident in themselves).

I don't quite agree with the points you made about creating an artificial distance and making someone miss you. Or not being "yourself" for that matter. I quite disagree with that. You're just introducing unecessary variables to an equation that should work without adding anything. Love works both ways, accepting and tolerating each other and being attracted without wanting to change the focus of your attraction. If you feel the need to change yourself to be attractive, you're not feeling comfortable with yourself, which may be why she had problems to begin with, since that is usually easy to spot and sense.

I would not write her off out of hand. Focus on yourself, on being happy and confident with your life without her, and see what she wants. She obviously doesn't want you out of her life, and you never know where it might lead after all. You do love her, as you stated. So just be yourself, and see whether it could actually work. Just don't change yourself or your behaviour for someone else or to seem attractive...it's easily spottable and comes across as artificial and manipulating.

[ChrisMac]

I would not write her off out of hand. Focus on yourself, on being happy and confident with your life without her, and see what she wants. She obviously doesn't want you out of her life, and you never know where it might lead after all. You do love her, as you stated. So just be yourself, and see whether it could actually work. Just don't change yourself or your behaviour for someone else or to seem attractive...it's easily spottable and comes across as artificial and manipulating.

I was kidding... mostly... but I do think she's in a tough mental place now with no job, me gone, who knows what going on with her ex. Which can be dangerous as someone who cares for her. I agree with most of what you write, but at the same time pushing away someone who's hurt you and now potentially regretting it isn't necessarily "manipulative", just cautious. I'm not ready to just jump back to the laughing and kidding around and pretend nothing's happened. Some responsibility must be taken for the actions that have taken place.

It's entirely possible right now that yes, she's feeling lonely and rethinking what she did, but also feeling even more insecurity from me moving on, and if I come off as completely okay with her pretending like nothing happened, I'm just a doormat that she'll do the same thing a few weeks or months later when she finds someone else to help with her feel good about herself again. The girl needs to get her life together and grow some confidence in what she wants from this guy. Until then I can't help but have my behavior towards her be different.

Plus she really is nutty as a squirrel tree. You have no idea. Which is probably why I like her so much.

[miffy]

I know the feeling
Quirky is always nice. And I think you've got it sorted out pretty much - let her deal with her issues, and don't "pretend" with her. It should be clear to her what her actions have caused in you, and what she does with those consequences remains to be seen. I think you're taking a very healthy and normal approach here, you're admitting your feelings without letting them take over all sense and sensibility. If anything, that is the basis needed to have some positive outcome from this situation.