I finally walked away. he's a mess i dont know what to do

[Madison_1990]

I finally left my boyfriend of 1 year and 6 months on saturday. we have not yet reached a no contact stage. he continues to call and cry and promise he'll do whatever it takes and that he'll respect what I want for just one more chance. He refuses to say its over and I dont know what to do because I love him so dearly and I really dont want it to be over. I find myself thinking about how I want to take him to this resturant or show him this cute picture of my dog and i have to remind myself its over... whenever he calls or texts all I can do is tell him he's had too many chances and i cant be with him. I know i shouldnt respond at all but I cant keep myself from doing it, its like i want to know he's ok and walk him through this break up because i know he's a disaster.

i'm 20 he's 21 we're eachothers first so this is super hard, I dont know how to handle this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop answering.

[WhySoSrs]

When my EX dumped me, she totally shut me out, at the time i had so much hate for her, couldn't stand what she was doing, over a year on, i respect what she did and totally understand why she did it, we're now even friends and chat on the odd occasion to see how one anothers doing.
just a thought.

[Wakeup]

You don't do him any favors by answering him. In fact, everytime you do you give him more hope and one more day that he's not working to get over you. Next time he calls I suggest you answer him just to tell him that you're sorry but it's obvious that you're not meant to be together for life and that you'll not be answering him anymore. He needs to accept that.

You both need zero contact in order to be able to move on from this. In these kinds of situations it's truly cruel to be kind.

[holly316]

I agree with all other posters here. There is no way for you to walk him through this, by not cutting contact, you are dragging it out. You want to feel better about making him sad, comfort him so you can feel better. I had an ex do this to me, it was toxic. Every time I got back on my feet he would call to see of I was ok, I would get my hopes up, only to be kicked all over again. I always remembered this, and when I broke it off with the next guy I dated I did not respond to letters, texts, or calls. If not every time you get off the phone you are breaking up all over again. Tell him you definitely are not getting back together, he is not the one for you, and let him go. Its not helathy, he is going to be without you, he needs to grieve without you.

[miffy]

The WORST thing you can do is allow yourself to have contact with him. It's probably happened to everyone at some point, me included. A partner dumps you, but refuses to move on and allows you to feel "close" to her/him afterwards. This just hurts even more. In my case, she had moved on already but thought she had to force a friendship on us. It was terrible for me and devastated me more than the break-up. If you really care for him, but honestly don't want the relationship, do him a favor and stop answering him and don't indulge him. You're torturing him and he won't be able to heal or move on.

[Madison_1990]

He's not eating or doing anything productive but crying! he says he's going to keep all our pictures so he can look back on what he lost and how bad he messed up! its so hard to hear this when I've always been there to immediatly comfort him I really dont want it to be over but he has let me down and idssapointed me with his drinking and childish shinanigans way way way too many times that i just had to leave. ugh im so hurt and mad

[Wakeup]

He's not eating or doing anything productive but crying! he says he's going to keep all our pictures so he can look back on what he lost and how bad he messed up! its so hard to hear this when I've always been there to immediatly comfort him I really dont want it to be over but he has let me down and idssapointed me with his drinking and childish shinanigans way way way too many times that i just had to leave. ugh im so hurt and mad

So?

None of that justifies what you're doing by trying to comfort him when you need to let him go so he can get over you. You are right in breaking up with him. Edited: because it seems that you are not happy with him as for who he is. I seriously think you have some fear of abandonment or something and so you self-sabotaged before he could do it to you????

P.S. Quit letting your own fears and insecurities allow you to be so selfish. You do him no favors.. You stagnate him at the level he is now at when you do what you're doing. Sorry, but that is the truth. Either take him back and learn to be happy and secure with who he is or go zero contact so he can get the hell over you.

P.P.S. He is NOT responsible for making you a better person. That is YOUR job.. not his. Having someone you're compatible with and who loves you (and you love back) is suppose to be a bonus to your already happy and "better personed" life.

[oldskool83]

when u end it, you dont let it continue. it sucks, he will hate you but we all move on at sum point.

[IndiReloaded]

You ended it right? The person doing the breakup has to be strong enough not to get dragged back into the drama. WhySo already said: its kindest to leave him alone now. Stop putting salt in his wound, its cruel.

[simonmagus]

I just want to add a little bit of opposing viewpoint here. When I was 21 I was dumped by a girlfriend. We had the same thing going on. We would talk and I would promise to do things different. She got some advice from friends to cut off contact completely. I couldn't understand why she would not talk to me at all and I REALLY freake out then. I started drinking all the time, trying to kill myself by drowning, cutting, getting into fights with strangers, trying to get the police to shoot me by accident and all kinds of CRAZY stuff. I ended up going to the assylum for a little while. I basically learned some coping methods to deal with insecurity and depresssion. To this day I am still screwed up and have problems in practically all reltionships with women. Generally, I subconsciously think that all women I meet are intentionally going to try and hurt me very badly. I can almost see them cheating on me and then running off to never talk to me again all the while laughing at me. Basically, this girl has screwed up my relationships for the rest of my life and it is a direct result of the "no contact" rule. I hate to be a bummer, but there is a dark side to "no contact."

[pisces25]

Your problems did not come about because your GF broke up with you. They came about because you did not deal with the break up properly. There is a difference.

[Wakeup]

I just want to add a little bit of opposing viewpoint here. When I was 21 I was dumped by a girlfriend. We had the same thing going on. We would talk and I would promise to do things different. She got some advice from friends to cut off contact completely. I couldn't understand why she would not talk to me at all and I REALLY freake out then. I started drinking all the time, trying to kill myself by drowning, cutting, getting into fights with strangers, trying to get the police to shoot me by accident and all kinds of CRAZY stuff. I ended up going to the assylum for a little while. I basically learned some coping methods to deal with insecurity and depresssion. To this day I am still screwed up and have problems in practically all reltionships with women. Generally, I subconsciously think that all women I meet are intentionally going to try and hurt me very badly. I can almost see them cheating on me and then running off to never talk to me again all the while laughing at me. Basically, this girl has screwed up my relationships for the rest of my life and it is a direct result of the "no contact" rule. I hate to be a bummer, but there is a dark side to "no contact."

This has zero to do with the No Contact Rule and everything to do with your own pre-existing issues. I do truly hope you are still getting ongoing therapy so you get to the bottom of what the real problem is.
Good luck.

[simonmagus]

Yeah, I know that there were preexisitng conditions on my part but I am also certain that they would not have exploded in the way they did had I been shown just a small amount of compassion. I am just pointing out that there ccan be bad side effects from the no contact rule.

Suppose for instance that a guy had the potential to be suicidal. The advice given to the girl is to go no contact with him. She follows the advice and later the guys shots himself in the face and dies. Was this good advice considering the circumstances? I am aware that I am the only one who has even mentioned suicide here, but it is something to think about when passing out the all too often heard advice on loveforum of "Just dump them. Go ghost."

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If he shoots himself in the face and dies, that's his prerogative. She is not to blame for his decisions or reactions to her decisions. Do you not believe people are responsible for their own actions?