me 23 - she 35.. best friend, love, marriage ? but parents, relatives, society ?

[bothside]

Alright, It's me again ( you can see my last post here - [url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/28182-Strange-Relationship...-Truly..-Madly..-Deeply....-how-shud-it-progress-further[/url])

Now the girl accepted my proposal but i'm not yet confident abt getting married... the same number (age) issues. I'm still pursuing my graduation and I do not have a secured job to start a family.

but still I'm ready to marry her.. but my parents, my brother, sisters, relatives and all others have lots of expectation about me.. and my future wife and my future life.. but this girl is about 12years older than me.. in addition.. society always has problem with it.

She's now very upset about the "age gap" reason I have mentioned.. but I told her this only after thinking from all the angles... financial, mental, physical, emotional etc.,

I still want her as my best friend.. but she's not agreeing with this.. She wants a final decision.. either marry her or just leave her alone...

I'm in great confusion.... should I respect my family/relatives/spiritual/ values or leave these matters and go marry her and move on... by leaving everyone and the society and live in a remote area ?

Please kindly advice..

Thanks a lot in advance..


[u]EDIT:[/ul]

One of the big issues is that THERE'S NO ONE ELSE TO MARRY HER IF NOT ME :-( because she's not very good in personality (very chubby) and not good at appearance also. But I can't even imagine her to stay single all her life... and I can't even imagine her death before mine :-(

What can I do ?????? or what should I do ??? ;-( She's the one who COMPLETELY helped me in my career :-(


Cultural values in my country:

here in India, we have great cultural values.. parents and relatives and elders here look for spouses for their children and it's really bad for a girl or boy to stay unmarried all their life... society here starts off talking bad about the parents if they have unmarried daughter of 20+ years and unmarried son of 25+ years...

Most of the families here live jointly with their married children... and relatives often meetup several times and stay in touch always.....

[miffy]

You're not sure about a marriage, but you proposed?

What problem does "society" have with you being with an older woman? The age gap is not unbridgeable, if you two are fine with it.

What exactly do your "spiritual" values have to do with marrying her?

You sound like you have deep issues of an entirely different nature than just your relationship to her, since you're talking about isolating yourself, abandoning your "society" and environment / family(?), and are struggling to find your place in life. I suggest exploring yourself and what you want in life before entering a problematic relationship (obviously it's problematic for you). You shouldn't have proposed in the first place, and it's clear why she is giving you an ultimatum, since you're flip-flopping. Make up your mind.

[smackie9]

Read what you just posted....you say you are not ready for marriage (financially and emotionally), and it's obvious that you are at a different place in your life compared to her's....that should be your answer....no. Age gap isn't the issue, it's expectations. There are 23 year old women out there want what she wants too. Basically at the beginning of any promising relationship, no matter what the age difference is, you need to discuss your expectations. Some want to wait for marriage, some expect a ring at 6 months.....it depends on the individual. Communication is key, but you both failed to take a serious look at what you both wanted out of this relationship.

You are a smart guy, you know that the most practical choice is to let her go. I figure you were hoping someone had a solution to work around it....but you can't change it.

[bcgirl]

a 35 yr old woman is on a completely different page as a 23 yr old man. At 35 a woman most women want to settle down, look ahead at the future, start a family because their biological time clock is ticking. If she ever wants to have children....she better find a man, get married and get right down to business. A 23 yr old should do what a 23 should do.... go to college, get an education, find himself in the world, date, get your heart broken, learn. So your gf may look good now at 35....but what about when you are 35 and she is 47? Or when you are 45 and she is 57? In history women have always been the one to date older men....looks aren't that much of an issue to women as it is to men. Men are wired to like the physical. When your future wife is 47 and looking like a old hag and you are 35 and still looking young and the young 30 yr old girls are hitting on you....how would you feel? You need to take this all into consideration before marriage. Look at Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, they ended up in divorce because Ashton married her when she looked hot back in her Charlie's Angel days and then now when age has caught up to her....Ashton cheated on her with a younger chick on the same hotness level as himself. You may be cool cuz you got a "cougar"....but when you are older, you don't want to be the guy who is married to an "oldie".

[miffy]

Really? We're gonna drag up Ashton Kutcher references here?

Don't denounce the possibility of staying in love inspite of age difference. That's not really his issue either, it's more that he clearly has no idea what he wants and what he should do, and that in itself is no basis for a strong relationship, yet alone marriage.

[smackie9]

Cougars are women in their 40's who purposely go out to clubs picking up younger men with no intension of a relatoinship.

Age is irrelivant in some cases.....especially these days where women are choosing to have children later in life or not have any at all. There are young girls who chop at the bit to have all their babies before they are 30. So it depends on the individual, their mindset, and their prioirties. In this case like I stated before, the expectations of what each one wants is coming to ahead.......both should have thought things through before even starting a relationship....oh well ya live and learn......ya get stuck in the mud every now and then....pull your foot out and have to leave the boot behind lol.

[Saya]

You said in the last post that you met her online.... Have you actually met her in person?

[bothside]

You said in the last post that you met her online.... Have you actually met her in person?

Hi Saya... Yes, after a year, we both met in person on various occasions... all those occasions were pre-planned.

1st time.. in local city job fair
2nd, 3rd and 4th time.. for send off when she was going to travel for a trip to pilgrimage.
5th time... In her friend's birthday party

but we talk evryday mrng from 10am to 10pm online... about various topics.. her online business, marketing, personal life stories, my life stories, latest happenings.. etc.,


Thanks for all the replies above, I will respond to each of you all shortly.

[bothside]

ya get stuck in the mud every now and then....pull your foot out and have to leave the boot behind lol.

I have been connected to her since 4 years and it's getting little harder for me to even keep myself away from her for few days or a week.... :-( I'm not sure how she's taking it as.... "bad guy" or "bad situations"

[smackie9]

Don't worry the novelty will wear off as time goes by and you will find better ways to spend your time.

[Saya]

How far away from each other do you live at the moment?

[IndiReloaded]

I know someone who married with that age difference. Same, older woman younger man. But he was in his 30s. Quite different stage of life from you Bothside. You're still wet behind the ears and I think she's wrong to try to tie you down.

[smackie9]

I know someone that are 13 years apart and he was 25 when they got married.....and 18 years later they are still married. It depends on the individual.

[bothside]

Thanks for all your replies... plz check the edited post again :-(

[searock]

About the edited thing... it's not your responsibility to make sure she gets married! That is insane, you shouldn't get married out of sacrificial instinct to "save" her or stuff... You don't sound like you are happy at the prospect of marrying her at all! Besides, you've only met her 5 times and you already proposed to her!? Just let it go...