Response to the "quiet game"

[jules82]

This is a really stupid topic, but maybe some people can give me some insight on how to deal with this issue...

Long story short - I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. Things all around are very good. We live to together, btw. But, when and IF a situation may arise, and we have an argument or debate, he tends to always shut down. I call it, "the quiet game." We don't argue often, but we have our normal spats like any couple over stupid things. For instance last night - small argument, some tension and he kinda exploded and he just seperates himself from me and sits in the bedroom all night or something. Usually if I feel the need, I'll break the silence and just go in and tell him to get over it, ect. 98% of the time, it never works - and he usually thinks that my idea of breaking the silence is starting a new argument. We live in a very small apt at the moment, so the "quiet game" doesn't work well with me - it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home, and i HATE it. How do you respond to this juvenile behavior? He doesn't seem to know how to move on, or just apologize for his actions. I went to bed last night and just choose not to speak a word. Of course I'm at work today, so we can't really talk - but we usually always text - but I don't feel inclined to beg him to speak to me. The argument was over something very stupid, but considering he's a 31 year old man....would it be so wrong for me to ask him to grow up and act like one?


Without anyone getting snide and telling me to dump him - which I'm not doing, can someone give me some ideas on how you approach this kind of crap? I'm unphased today by his behavior because I expect it, but I could probably hold my silence way more than him, and I probably will just do that....

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't know what the argument was over, but maybe he just wants to stop arguing and cool off. You agitating him and telling him to get over it doesn't help. Why can't you just let him cool off some? Ignore him and go on about your life.

[Amber2011]

Just let him come round in his own time. My late hubby was sometimes like that. If I was in the wrong I would let him stew for a while till he'd cooled down then make him a cup of tea - all without saying a word. He would do the same for me if he was at fault - make me a coffee, plant it infront of me and not say a word. It signalled the end of the argument and no apologies were needed. It worked well for us. Maybe you could try something similar?

Every couple have their ups and downs - we wouldn't be human if we didn't and we all need a bit of breathing space, especially after a row. It can be a bit annoying when one partner goes and sulks but is perfectly normal and perhaps just a quirk you'll have to live with if you love him. No relationship is perfect.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I also think part of the problem is her. She sounds like she thinks she is always right, and he probably feels like he can't win with her, so he just stops talking. He realizes he's in a hole so he stops digging. Not a bad strategy if you ask me.

[jules82]

I also think part of the problem is her. She sounds like she thinks she is always right, and he probably feels like he can't win with her, so he just stops talking. He realizes he's in a hole so he stops digging. Not a bad strategy if you ask me.

LOL, not true at all actually. You're attacking me and you don't even know me. I can't even explain the argument. My bf was in the midst of looking for a job, and now that he finally found one (part time) he also was invited to be hired at another place which is full time. So there's been frustration and conversation about how to balance both - and he asks my opinion and gets angry when he doesn't hear what he wants to. So after some tension with that convo - he came in the living room thinking he owns the tv while I was watching it and just turned the channel - which i told him, i was watching tv so he has to wait....well, he was already heated about our debate earlier, so it just set him off and he exploded - throwing the remote and went to the other room.....

That's the honest story, and to me...a bit juvenile. I just let it go and ignored him, as he ignored me. That is where the quiet game began....I can't really say this time it was me. That's why I dont feel inclined to just tell him to move on. He acted like a child.

[jules82]

Just let him come round in his own time. My late hubby was sometimes like that. If I was in the wrong I would let him stew for a while till he'd cooled down then make him a cup of tea - all without saying a word. He would do the same for me if he was at fault - make me a coffee, plant it infront of me and not say a word. It signalled the end of the argument and no apologies were needed. It worked well for us. Maybe you could try something similar?

Every couple have their ups and downs - we wouldn't be human if we didn't and we all need a bit of breathing space, especially after a row. It can be a bit annoying when one partner goes and sulks but is perfectly normal and perhaps just a quirk you'll have to live with if you love him. No relationship is perfect.

Great advice btw. I really appreciate it. I think I'll just wait for him. This is kind of a trend for him, and I was always the one TRYING to break the silence. I guess there's no real point. I'll just give him time....thank you!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

We live in a very small apt at the moment, so the "quiet game" doesn't work well with me... He doesn't seem to know how to move on, or just apologize for his actions.

This is what made me say you think you're always right. Just because the quiet game doesn't work well with you, doesn't mean he's not allowed to do it. You also

If the story went as you just recounted, then you're dating a baby and you need to get over it and stop whining because that's who he is. He throws temper tantrums. He's a baby. He's immature. Only solution to that is break up, which you already said you're not doing, so in your words, move on from it.

"I can't really say this time it was me. That's why I dont feel inclined to just tell him to move on. He acted like a child."

Does this mean that when you think an argument is your fault, that you are inclined to apologize and then tell him to get over it immediately? In any event, you are right. He acts like a child, and you can't change that.

[carl1222]

Without details, it's impossible to tell if he's just a passive-aggressive person who deals with arguments by shutting down to punish you, or if you are a controlling person who picks trivial arguments and emotionally "beats him up" until he has nothing to do but either argue or flee.

What I do know (taking your post at face value) is that you don't argue much and it's always about small stuff, and that you tend to dismiss his point of view ("tell him to get over it, ect.").

Can you give us the details and chronology of your latest argument that ended in the "silent treatment?" What did he say, what did you say? How did it escalate?

[jules82]

Well when you live in a tiny sized apt....playing the quiet game between two adults is a little juvenile, no? That's why I said it doesn't go over well with me. If he feels the need to hold a grudge and not speak to me for a week, so be it - but I don't understand the point to carry it on when we live in the same house and have to cross each other's paths constantly and sleep in the same bed. I thought kids play that game? The issue with his quiet games, is he can hold out for days. But to not speak to me over tv control is just ridiculous and I don't feel inclined to apologize or approach him first. I've kind of had this discussion with him before and asked him to change the way he approaches such stupid debates, but he doesn't seem to do so....

I don't have any other issues with him, but this is the reoccuring one. I just wish I could teach him a lesson so he knocks it the hell off....it's just pointless and immature to me.

It's impossible to change a grown man but I definitely believe it's possible to change the way you approach situations...no?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"I've kind of had this discussion with him before and asked him to change the way he approaches such stupid debates, but he doesn't seem to do so...."

Get over it or leave. Those are your only viable options. There is a third option if you want to teach him a lesson. You can wait him out as long as it takes, and when he breaks the silence, you continue your silence for another couple days, so he can see what it feels like.

[jules82]

Yeah...I'll just wait it out, I can live with being ignored because I can play the game too. I guess that's what I'll do then. It is what it is....

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Like I said, don't break the silence when he's ready. Wait an extra day or two. Also, make sure you go out and enjoy yourself, and make sure he knows you're enjoying yourself. Make sure he can hear you talk to your friends about what fun things you're planning.

[jules82]

Yeah that's my plan. I know how to keep myself busy and stuff. I think he holds out with silence because he likes being chased it seems - i mean, everyone likes having power in a relationship and being the one in control sometimes - i get it. But seeing that he's done this before, I kinda know his gameplan and where it goes. Which is almost a shame for him, because I've become accustomed to this behavior so I know how to just not let it affect me at all. To me, it's not worth breaking up with him over, I really love and care for him - and I know we all have our flaws...but I still can't find it acceptable, ya know?

I appreciate your advice. I'll def do as you said...I think it makes out for a good plan, so he can see how it feels....

[dj454]

Jules 82 I think I understand where you're coming from. I wish I knew what to tell you to fix it. Maybe do
ing what you are doing just give him a dose of his own medicine. My girlfriend has a different approach she will tell me to drop it or leave and never speak to her again no matter how trivial the argument is. This drives me nuts because I see it as childish. I like to talk things out and then be done with it. The last argument we had we had on the phone. We have our own homes so it was easier for me. She got mad when she didn't see my point and screamed to never talk to her again and hung up. It was a very stupid argument so I decided that was enough. I made no contact at all. She broke the silence. Thats my new tactic. Maybe if you have a friend you can stay with you can stay with them for a few days. Either you wl have to learn to live with his antics or get him to realize your not putting up with it. Or the only other alternative is to leave.Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"and I know we all have our flaws...but I still can't find it acceptable, ya know? "

You do find it acceptable, and you'll have to continue finding it acceptable. If you didn't find it acceptable, you'd be gone.

Anyway, good luck sticking to your plan. Please don't cave.