Should I?

[missanthrope]

Long story, sorry about that. But I've been thinking lately... here's a timeline to hopefully make things easier.

June 2009- Met my ex in Italy where we both lived (Americans abroad). We hung out often and became fast friends. We started acting like boyfriend and girlfriend almost immediately (i.e. within two months). We got along great, did many things together, I stayed over his house, he stayed over mine, etc. We even took little trips together. However, I lived 2 hours by plane away and so a "real" relationship couldn't happen at that point.

October 2009- I had an opportunity due to work/school to move to a town closer to him. He lived by a better university and more job opportunities compared to a town in Sicily where I lived. I jumped at the chance. By this point, it was pretty obvious we were "together" because we had been traveling back and forth, but it wasn't official because up until then the distance impeded us a little bit. When I moved, we became official.

January 2010- I had stayed with him from October until January when I signed a lease on my own place and had transfered to the aforementioned university. Things were going GREAT. We got along and I felt protected and loved. The move to his town was very positive for me; I had a hard time in Sicily but the new place was clean and nice. I made lots of friends and enjoyed living there for the most part. It was an ideal life for us.

August 2010- I met his mom and uncle when they visit. She confides in me that he gushes about me and that she hopes I am the one her son marries. I am flattered and want him to marry me too, but know it's too soon. Nonetheless, our relationship is strong.

September 2010- We started looking at apartments together, but things came up in both of our lives that meant we would need to move away back to the U.S. before we could find one. His job wasn't going so well and we had planned to move back to my hometown (New York). The move back to the U.S. Was scheduled for the upcoming May. Both our families were ecstatic to have us back in the States. I had started to grow increasingly unhappy with the town I moved to in Italy because I noticed he was depressed due to work and we both thought it would be a great solution to move away together, career wise and relationship wise.

November 2010- My grandmother was falling ill very quickly and my cousin was reduced to his deathbed due to a second bout with cancer while I was still not in the U.S. My family is extremely close and much closer than his. As a result, I moved back home earlier than expected. By this point, I had begun to feel depressed and overextended between wanting to stay in Italy no matter what and my family begging me to come home. I spoke about this with him and he, personally, was not in a financial position to move back earlier than May so he stayed in Europe, but he knew I had to move back to be with my family and ready things for him to join me. I got back to my hometown and my grandmother and cousin both died within two weeks of my return.


December 2010- I discovered I was pregnant with my ex's baby while already back in New York. Miscarried, alone and scared. I needed him more than ever. At that point, he became much more than a boyfriend to me. He became almost a part of my soul. I had a hard time dealing with it. He flew to the U.S. to be with me and we worked through it, but he of course had to go back home to Italy.

January 2011- I started to feel like he was comfortable there and didn't really want to uproot himself and move back because he hardly mentioned moving back. I felt that now that we weren't physically 'together' in the same place, it was easy for him to forget me. I started to question whether he would move back. He didn't respond well to this and would get defensive. I think, secretly, I knew that deep down his anxieties about work prevented him from making the move. He didn't want the responsibility at the time of moving to a new (and expensive!) place when he was used to living so cheaply/working from home, etc.

February 2011- We broke up. I kept pressuring him and he didn't respond well. He kept evading me and I didn't respond well. I was devastated; so was he. I think we just chose two different paths and it wasn't the right time. I couldn't go NC even though I probably should have. After a while, my contact with him trailed off.

Fast forward... I moved on with my life, got a new job and guess what? That job brought me on a trip to a ceramics factory in the exact same general area of Italy where we both lived and where (to my then knowledge) he still lived. Coincidence? A sign? I don't know. I still pined for Italy and longed to move back the whole time, though. I feel like I don't belong in NY and was free in Italy. I just 'belonged' there.

November 2011- I went on a work trip to our town and saw him among other friends. We spent two fantastic weeks together (I took my two weeks' leave after the work trip. My boss was EXTREMELY generous with me). He told me that he could see us getting back together in the future. He told me he didn't stop loving me. I was ecstatic. It was kind of what I had hoped for. We immediately made plans to see each other again.

December 2011- I quit the job because my supervisor sexually harasses me in the workplace. I begin to concentrate on my online business which I have done freelance this whole time and start to earn serious money from it; enough to provide me a very adequate living while working from home. This makes me wonder, 'why shouldn't I move back to Italy and give it a shot now that work and my family life is stabilized?' I begin to research graduate school programs and find one that is fantastic for me. The ex and I had been maintaining regular correspondence.

January 2012- He invites me back to his town over Spring Break and tells me to stay with him for two weeks. I'm happy! I buy a ticket and plan on finding another apartment, enrolling in grad school for the upcoming year and networking with other people in the area for my business. I am serious about the move and quite satisfied. Things look up.

February 2012- He tells me he may have been giving me mixed signals and that it's better I don't stay with him. I tell him I understand, but I ask him why he told me he could have seen us getting back together? He says that at the time when he said it, he truly meant it but he is cautious over our history. He tells me that he will most likely change his mind and he'll let me stay with him.

April 2012- I have a ticket to go back to Italy. I want to go back very much and pick up where I left off. I felt like with my family members dying and my family begging me to come back, I cut my life off there before I wanted to. I would love nothing more than to move back, with him or without him there.

So, here is my question. Should I actually use my ticket and go back for a visit/apply to grad school/sign a contract for an apartment? Should I still try to speak to him? His mom and uncle still speak to me and they tell me he asks about me often. At the moment, I am going NC. I don't want mixed signals, but I know that in my heart, I never truly stopped loving him. He is not dating anyone else, nor has he dated anyone else since me (I know this for a fact). Or do you think he is playing with me and always has played with me?

[haxan]

From reading most of that, it sounds like in the right situation you may be able to make it work, but it doesn't sound like that right situation may ever occur. Most of what happens in life is timing, unfortunately. BTW, please don't delude yourself into thinking he hasn't slept with another woman in that entire period of time, unless he looks like a troll. Not being mean, but you want an honest man's opinion. Just accept it, don't force him to confess or come clean, because he never will. Take it in stride and move forward if that's what you're going to do.

[missanthrope]

What do you think the right situation would ever be?

The important thing is I do not want to pursue him hardcore when I move back. The move is mostly about me being able to pick up where I left off in Italy and enjoy living there again without the worry about my family life back home crumbling. It's incredibly liberating in a way. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy he's still there.

He's told me a total of three times since the breakup that he could see us getting back together, but between that he would alternate from "no" to "yes." He's the type of guy who needs to physically BE with a person to keep it alive, while I can maintain a long distance relationship without much problems.

Btw, I know for a fact he hasn't slept with anyone (except for me in November, of course). My best friend is his sister. She would have told me. Also, he works from home and hardly goes outside and lives in a pretty secluded small town in the mountains where absolutely nothing is going on.

[miffy]

I don't get why some men think that all of us will immediately hop into bed with another woman just because a relationship formally ended....it's perfectly obvious that the two of you are deeply in love and share a very strong bond. If that's not worth fighting for and giving it all it's got, I don't know what is. You are both clearly able to communicate properly (well, maybe he has a few more problems with it than you do), and are mature and reasonable people. I don't see why you should torture yourself and not go see him again? You're the more flexible one with your online business now, and he - as you said - is a bit of a different type and needs the proximity. If he makes you happy, then go for it! I really wish you all the best, your story really made me smile. Your affection for him and his dedication to you just burst out of your lines, and I really do hope you two find a working environment for your bond.

[missanthrope]

Miffy, are you a guy? What a hopeful response!

I just don't know how I would handle a potential rejection from him. But I might as well try, no?

[miffy]

I am a guy, yes.

I think you'd be able to handle it very well. Sure it would be hard and devastating, but you've already shown you can deal with severe issues in your life and move on. You would in this case as well.

What reason is there to not try? Except being anxious of course. You don't find someone you feel this close to every day of your life, and we only live once. Again, go for it and I wish you all the best in the world.

[missanthrope]

I just have this irrational fear he'll think a) he's the sole reason I am moving back (he's really not. I've been dreaming about moving back since November 2010, even before we broke up. I feel like I got cut off from a life there that I wasn't ready to end!) and b) I'm "stalking" or being crazy.

I know I'm not stalking or being crazy, but it's still a fear I have! I never want to be overbearing or a burden, especially to him. I know he is still very attracted to me, and the last time I saw him he said, "don't worry, I know we'll see each other again someday" but again, a month or two later he said he was giving me mixed signals and didn't want to.

Is it at all possible that since I am away his feelings are lying dormant or trailing off but once I am there again he will be more interested? I know that he is absolutely that type of guy- he simply needs physical proximity. I noticed in the month or so leading up to the last visit to Italy I took in November 2011, he was curt sometimes and not particularly affectionate, but still civil. But once we were actually on the same continent (lol) he was affectionate, open and caring. But then when I went back to the U.S. again we went back into the cycle of him having an issue with distance.

If I can kill two birds with one stone-move back to Italy *and* make one last hurrah for his heart-why not, you know?

[miffy]

You've said it all yourself, you're just here for some extra boost in motivation. I really don't think he'll see you as stalking or crazy...that's just the insecurity over his behaviour speaking. It's perfectly obvious you are very very important to him, I don't see any reason why he wouldn't be delighted to have you in the area and try again. That's not to say it will work 100%, but you know that yourself.

You already have his heart...you're just missing the right "playing field" to give it the exercise it needs.

[missanthrope]

How can I have his heart if he is, indeed, sending me mixed signals? Saying, "I missed you" and "I could see us together again" and "you're still so beautiful" when I'm actually there and then taking it back when I'm gone/being aloof over Skype? Granted I know how he is with the physicality but... Do I really have his heart, though? Not so sure... It is true that some people just cannot do the long distance thing even if they really love someone?

[miffy]

I know plenty of people who cannot deal with the mere idea of an LDR, yet alone live one. To them, close proximity and physical intimacy is a prerequisite of living a relationship. I can see your love interest scaling back a bit to not feel too emotionally involved when you're away, so as not to feel uncomfortable. From what you've told us, there have been very intimate moments and a very solid bond between you two. Don't doubt it only over him feeling very inadequate to deal with the distance issue. But in the end, you'll have to hear it from him. To feel absolutely secure, you should make sure that you will feel comfortable going there no matter what happens. Everything else will then just be sugar coating on top. You may want to hear some more rational advice from someone else, your story has really twinged my romantic strings a bit, and I can't help but feel that you should really try it and overcome your doubts for better or for worse. There is nothing more tragic to me than a love story that ends unresolved and just fades out.

[haxan]

What do you think the right situation would ever be?

The important thing is I do not want to pursue him hardcore when I move back. The move is mostly about me being able to pick up where I left off in Italy and enjoy living there again without the worry about my family life back home crumbling. It's incredibly liberating in a way. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy he's still there.

He's told me a total of three times since the breakup that he could see us getting back together, but between that he would alternate from "no" to "yes." He's the type of guy who needs to physically BE with a person to keep it alive, while I can maintain a long distance relationship without much problems.

Btw, I know for a fact he hasn't slept with anyone (except for me in November, of course). My best friend is his sister. She would have told me. Also, he works from home and hardly goes outside and lives in a pretty secluded small town in the mountains where absolutely nothing is going on.

You don't want to pursue him hardcore? So, subtly then? He's already informed you 3x that maybe yes, maybe no, he can see you together.

What you're also saying is that in nearly 3 years of an on again, off again inter-continental relationship, he's had no other adult companionship outside of when you two were on again? I find that extremely difficult to imagine. But then again, if his sister knows everything he does, and he rarely leaves the house, well, I suppose this is possible.

I do believe you are going back there for him, it's not 100% about yourself. All you can do is hope that it works out, and not be devastated if it doesn't.

[missanthrope]

It's only been a year since the breakup. Up until then he was 100% faithful to me, and I to him.

I am going back there for me, yes, but like I said I would be lying if I said it wasn't in part about him as well. I know that he cares for me and I for him, so it's worth a shot. I have been wanting to move back since the minute I stepped foot in New York. I haven't really felt like I've been "home" since then! I always felt more free and more independent there. More alive, if you will. Hard to explain. I felt like that living in ITaly even before I met him there.

[carl1222]

He has an issue with committing to a relationship from a distance. It's a perfectly valid concern ... maintaining a lasting long distance relationship is a real challenge that often leads to failure.

Now that you have the opportunity to go "home" to Italy, the relationship no longer needs to be long distance any more. I don't understand why you chose this time to back off ... just as things are starting to go well!

You have a 2 1/2 year relationship that finally may completely work for you both. Besides, even if it doesn't, it's not like you would be stranded in a place you don't want to be.

Go for it ... pedal to the metal. Use the ticket ... Italy is a great place to fall in love.

[missanthrope]

I'm going to go back, but I'm not sure I'm going to reach out to him immediately. I want to test the waters and be back in my old town again but on my own to see if I like it as much as I remembered I did.

Then I'll contact him. He wanted to take me to this really beautiful nature trail and I might just call and ask to go.

But the plan is, yes, I will move back in August. Thanks for the support!!

You don't think the whole saying nice things and opening up but then taking them back thing is a bad sign though? Or is it a sign that he really is conflicted because in his heart he feels for me but logically (he's a VERY logical person where I'm more emotional. Classic man vs. woman thinking) he cannot accept a long distance thing, especially knowing we failed at it?

[carl1222]

I think he's conflicted and therefore cautious.