Should I?

**missanthrope** · 12-03-12, 04:11 AM

True chemistry and a great connection does indeed last forever, however we all know that a good connection does not a relationship make. You need some serious communication, dedication and really put your all into it. He was a retreater and I was a picker. During disagreements, he got defensive and retreated into his shell while I wanted to talk about things incessantly. I've really re-examined this and realize that not everyone handles a disagreement like I do and some people just need time to "cool off" before revisiting it. You can love someone deeply and not be relationship material with them. This is what I am trying to find out as I know in my heart my move back to the U.S. was the death knell for us. If I had stayed there in Italy longer and stayed in a relationship with him for another year or so and THEN decided to move back together, I'm confident things would have played out differently.

In any case, I'm finally in a position to move back and the "what if?" haunts me to this day. So I'm going to try! I'd rather do it and end up in Italy, even if I end up alone, then not do it and stay here in NY asking myself "what if?" till I'm blue in the face.

**haxan** · 12-03-12, 06:11 AM

Originally Posted by missanthrope

Yup. Wanna see where I lived? On an unrelated note... lol

Attachment 1400
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Adorable, right?

Now you can see why I want to go back!

I have to admit, I do like the antiquity of Europe. It's very visually attractive, but I don't think I could ever be an ex-pat.

**haxan** · 12-03-12, 06:16 AM

Originally Posted by missanthrope

True chemistry and a great connection does indeed last forever, however we all know that a good connection does not a relationship make. You need some serious communication, dedication and really put your all into it. He was a retreater and I was a picker. During disagreements, he got defensive and retreated into his shell while I wanted to talk about things incessantly. I've really re-examined this and realize that not everyone handles a disagreement like I do and some people just need time to "cool off" before revisiting it. You can love someone deeply and not be relationship material with them. This is what I am trying to find out as I know in my heart my move back to the U.S. was the death knell for us. If I had stayed there in Italy longer and stayed in a relationship with him for another year or so and THEN decided to move back together, I'm confident things would have played out differently.

In any case, I'm finally in a position to move back and the "what if?" haunts me to this day. So I'm going to try! I'd rather do it and end up in Italy, even if I end up alone, then not do it and stay here in NY asking myself "what if?" till I'm blue in the face.

I'm usually with the opposites attract kind of thing, but it goes without saying that every good relationship has to have great communication. I hope if he will give you a commitment when you're there, that you two can keep the chemistry and connection going and smooth out the rest. From what you've told us, I do believe it's possible, so it's worth trying.

**missanthrope** · 12-03-12, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by haxan

I have to admit, I do like the antiquity of Europe. It's very visually attractive, but I don't think I could ever be an ex-pat.

Yeah, you either love it or you hate it! It's hard to find work nowadays in Italy but I have dual citizenship and speak the language fluently, not to mention work from home. So it helps mitigate the sting a lot. But living there I certainly learned to do without many good 'ole American conveniences, and I felt simpler and more alive in a way.

Can't wait to go back.

**missanthrope** · 12-03-12, 08:03 PM

Speaking of Italy... I found the *perfect* apartment online. I hope it's available in 25 days for me to go visit it in person and hopefully sign a contract. My life is finally being what I want it to be and I couldn't be happier.

It was a long road but I did it.

Thanks for all your kind words. I really appreciate them! By the way, I arrive on the 2nd but I'm not going to call him or let him know I'm there until the 6th when we all have a big dinner with friends that we were both invited to. I really want to be in Italy and be able to do things by myself, so I'm not going to call him right away or appear desperate. I'll be staying in the city center where the restaurant/bar is, so after dinner when he walks me home (he always does) I'll ask him if the next morning he wants to get up early and go on that nature trail. Good idea? I want to do this right and take it slowly!

**haxan** · 13-03-12, 05:32 AM

You make me laugh, but in a good way ! You're wanting to take it slowly, but already envisioning his escort home from dinner !

I wish I could just make all of this workout for you ahead of time, so you could relax.

I'm just a different personality than you, so maybe someone else could give you better advice on what to do once you're there. I don't try to take angles or make timetables. I'm very intuitive, so I know when 'it's' there and when 'it's not, so never feel I have to forecast what to do. I'm not a believer in taking it slow, or rushing things. When it's good and when it's meant to happen, it just does.

**missanthrope** · 13-03-12, 07:21 AM

lol I am a total planner. But I will say this: after some NC on my part he emailed me today to let me know he moved and he asked me how I was. He now lives in an apartment in the city center (he used to live in the mountains outside the city) and he invited me over for dinner. I'm very happy for him! I called him and he brought up taking me to the mountain trail I always wanted to go to. So maybe I was silly along and he still seems to be able to stand me as a person.

Haha.

**maker130** · 13-03-12, 09:58 AM

Hello, I am Mike from China, actually, I saw many simialar story as you around me in China. So uausal a woman devote much more than a man when loving stroy going. The point is that both of you need a "playing field " to enjoy the life and future married time. Your BF is defensive, and used to waiting for love, you cannot change his nature personality, So you getto change and improve yourself to handle the so called love. I just see you are the leading role in your story with BF. Will you be the leading role in the future part of your love movie/film, if yes, jus go for it. Best wishes for you!

**haxan** · 13-03-12, 05:24 PM

Listen, you can take this to the bank. You two are going to reconnect immediately, it's going to be honeymoonish for awhile, and the world will feel like it's all full of flowers and unicorns. But what you have to do is finally find out if his previous indifference was based on the logistics of it all (which you think), or the relationship itself. Only time will answer that, and it probably won't be a quick answer.

You're in it for the long haul, that's what matters.

**missanthrope** · 14-03-12, 05:02 AM

You're absolutely right. It's a given we'll reconnect immediately given we're both single and are friendly and attracted to one another, but the most important thing is seeing if it's indeed sustainable and if it really would have ended even if I stayed in Italy. That's the question. You hit the nail on the head.

He commented on my blog today as well. So much for NC! I like when he initiates contact. It's nice.

I've pulled back and it seems like it's been helping things.

**maker130** · 14-03-12, 10:57 AM

There is alway hope from your heart to the relationship. At least you find all ways to act like a leading role. Pysical is not the most part of life. A feeling cared by your honey is the truth of life. The perfect solution, I thought just, is to help your BF out of the current situation, and both of you need a new enviroment, maybe other town, or US, to catch a new balance, when you means more important to the guy. Now you just perform like a little girl how to enjoy a toy. Unfortuately the toy is not growing up, but you growned up, and don' want to toss out the toy, your trip for the reconnection will be good when only you pretend to be the girl before. BR
Mike from China

**missanthrope** · 16-03-12, 07:18 AM

He just told me he's moving down the block from my apartment in Italy! Literally one block down. I had planned on moving back into my old building (there is a two floor apartment in my old building that I used to covet and would ask the landlord ALL THE TIME if it was free. My landlord let me know today that it's going to be free in three months. So in theory, I could take it.) But the thing is, even though I loved my old building and loved that apartment... do I want to be down the block from him? After all, he is an ex. And it might not work out (hope it does, but can never be too cautious unless he literally says "we can do this" but at the same time, I don't want to pass up on the apartment I always liked.

Thoughts?

**miffy** · 16-03-12, 09:49 PM

Don't think it really matters tbh..if you do get back together, which I earnestly hope for you both, it won't matter where the two of you are living. You should pick whichever flat you're more comfortable in. If you're already prioritizing being around him before you two even got back on track, your priorities will be a bit askew

**missanthrope** · 16-03-12, 10:56 PM

That is precisely why I don't want to be on the same block, even though I love that apartment! Don't want to suffocate him or myself.

**miffy** · 16-03-12, 10:59 PM

If you feel that way then take the other flat and take it easy. You already know the right thing to do anyway, as always.

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