Falling Out of Love

[maya1234]

Hello all,

First of all, let me give you a bit of background on myself. I got out of a very unhealthy relationship of 4 ½ years last year with a man who was cheating on me left and right. His behavior was absolutely despicable, even when we were together he would flirt, stare for very long periods of time and it really hurt. I was young and vulnerable when we met and felt too weak to leave as I had moved across the ocean and was far from my home country. I found out about most of the cheating after breaking up with which he came clean after years of lying. We have a son together who is now 2 and I would say have reached a point where we can be friends (although the distance helps). I am no longer angry and have forgiven him for all the mistreatment and selfishness because I finally realized it is his problem and has nothing to do with the value of myself.

When we were breaking up, I developed a relationship with someone back home that I was not expecting. We actually wrote to each other for quite some time before ever meeting, and the union was very strong. I remember feeling more safe and loved from just one night than ever. This is my current boyfriend who has been with me for the past year. He treats me with the upmost care and loves me deeply, and does not display the same qualities as my ex in most regards.

The trouble is, when we are out, he has some massive insecurities about me being better looking than him. I get a lot of male attention that he simultaneously enjoys and despises. This makes him very insecure. He has a lot of innate insecurities that I try to quell by letting him know how handsome he is to me and what an amazing person I think he is. I really do think those things! He is also really great with my son and has started to form a real bond. This is why it makes me so sad to report that I don’t know how much longer I can stay.

When we are out, his insecurities cause him to behave in a similar fashion to my ex. It’s as though the person I know and love when we are together is taken over by someone else and I see him intentionally trying to gain the attention of one woman he will focus on. It’s like some kind of game he is unaware of. He makes prolonged eye contact with that woman, and I can say that almost one hundred percent of the time it is received well as this woman will get an ego boost that an attractive woman’s boyfriend seems to want her more. It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful as I am extremely loyal and not a game player in the least. I don’t understand it. I will go out of my way to make sure he knows that I am not interested in other men and really watch my actions correspond with how I feel. It seems to be coming from a place that is much deeper than I can reach.

I have talked to him about this several times, to which he is very apologetic and really wants to make the effort to change. The problem is, it started a while ago and it doesn’t seem to be changing at all. I don’t believe in pushing someone to be someone they are not, but I do believe that relationships demand respect, communication and compromise. I would not be bothered if this were the run of the mill checking out of women and appreciating beauty. I find that normal and healthy. The trouble is, the intention is to make sure this woman validates his insecurities about himself and that constantly belittles my dignity as his partner and really sucks out all my energy because it is continuous. I feel drained and insecure in a very similar fashion to how the last relationship was. Although I know in my heart he is not the same as my ex, this is causing me to fall out of love with him.

The other night we were out and because we have had several talks about this, he refused to engage with anyone at our table and instead looked angry and bitter. I noticed eye contact play that lasted throughout the duration of the night with a woman across from us that leads me to believe this was not something subconscious. Something in him must feel entitled to this behavior, and I honestly think that if I am not going to break up with him out of anger, it will happen soon anyway out of the fact that it has cut the love and belief I have in him as my partner.

I know he really does not want to hurt me and this may just be something he finds hard to control. I don’t believe he is ready for this relationship. It is a lot to ask that someone become a father when you meet and have the tools to handle everything I have thrown at him. He really has done a wonderful job. I just know my limits and need to be in a relationship where I can trust as this is what broke up my family the last time and I can’t repeat the same mistake. I got into this relationship rather quickly and I know I have some pain and issues to work through. I do know, however, that I am not being paranoid. The recognition is instinctual after a long relationship of having an infidelous partner.

I guess I know where I am at but was hoping some of you may have had similar experiences or know someone who has. I am just looking for someone to relate to and hope that you have some advice for me about what to do.

[smackie9]

Stop dating losers and this will all clear up. Learn to make better choices.

[carl1222]

Would this bother you nearly as much if it weren't for your past mistreatment at the hands of your ex?

Is it that obvious?

What does he tell you when you point it out to him and tell him you feel disrespected?

Does he say why he does it?

[maya1234]

thank you for your reply.

it would bother me just as much. it is very disrespectful. I know this because I am often that other woman men stare at and it really drives me up the wall, I pity their girlfriends and hate the attention.
He just apologizes sincerely when we talk about it, seems genuinely disturbed that he has hurt me and tells me to just elbow him when I see it happen.
I instead wait until we have left wherever we are to bring it up. I have a difficult time doing it on the spot. Would that help? I love this man and am happy in most other ways. I just cannot live with another insecure person that needs reinforcement from anyone he can borrow in the vicinity of a local pub or friend's party. It's just not for me. Whether other women are okay with this is another question.
Not sure how much longer I can wait for a change, but it doesn't seem to be coming. I'm just sad.

[dem862]

You are too sensitive. Break it off and be single for a while.

[oneandonly]

Men usually stop if they are asked especially when he didn't realise what he was doing had that negative impact on his partner.

Everybody looks when there is something or someone that catches his attention. It's natural. Nothing wrong with it. But I do think it's disrespectful if he does that while he's out with his partner. Especially knowing that it bothers her.

Try elbowing him on the spot and see if it makes any difference?

I'm not really sure if some men have this wondering eyes when they are not happy in a relationship or they are just who they are.....

[Clarity]

men have two heads remember..? and most of the time they use the one without the brain..
you need to let it go if this has been a constant problem.
you can't change someone who clearly doesn't make an effort to change.

[smackie9]

you can't change someone who clearly doesn't make an effort to change.

But you can change BF's. You sound very insecure, enough not to stand up for yourself in public, and yes men look, but they can do it in a more reserved way or respectfully not do it in your presences....you don't put up a big fuss with him because you fear he will leave you.....that is not a happy relationship, it's off balance and you know it or you wouldn't be on here seeking help. Like this poster says if it's a constant problem put up with it in angry silence or dump his ass.

[maya1234]

I know you can't change a person, but you can certainly demand respect while in your presence. It's not so black and white. I've decided to search for a more transparent person as being cheated on continually does bring on insecurities. If it hasn't happened to you, get off your high horse of "brutal judgement" where you so happily deem yourself a pseudo Messiah. Thank you very much.

[smackie9]

We are not judging you, so don't get into a huff. We are not here to blow sunshine up you butt. If this behavior has started awhile ago, then there are deeper issues in your relationship. His behavior is a symptom of something bigger. He might be pulling away from your relationship, yearning for something different. Time to pluck up some courage and ask him some very direct and serious questions on how he sees your relationship and where it might be going.