My girlfriend is a prostitute

[Dabbler]

Bothside..
I am sorry for attacking your beliefs, I do believe in your right to religious freedom but I also ask that you extend the courtesy and not push your beliefs on those that do not see the world the way you do.
I have a good friend who is a Minister, he has never pushed his beliefs on to me and respects my spiritual beliefs.

You didn't hurt me but you made me angry, lets leave it at that.

[bcgirl]

well the longer you are in the business of prostitution, the more disturbing sh*t you see. It's no wonder most prostitutes are drug addicted or alcoholics. The rare ones that don't get into the business to support their drug habits, will get into drugs sooner or later because you witness the worst of the worst types of clients in this type of industry. The prostitutes are the ones who will witness the neighbourhood priest wanting to roleplay as little children. The reputable doctor with a beautiful wife, 3 kids and a dog....who pays for sex while the wife is cooking dinner. The really evil men who like to torture and abuse women for sexual gratification. I used to know a prostitute (we were roomates for a very brief time in my younger days), she used to tell me stories about the harshness of what she see's (clients) in her daily life. Like the men listed above. To her she is so desensitized. But to the average person, it's wrong and disgusting. Overtime, more drugs helped her cope with what she was doing for a living, and with whom she was doing it with.
It's sort of like a detective (they witness a lot of sh*t people should just not know about) and that is why detectives in general are known to be major alcoholics in life.

[Totos]

Oh, man, I have been through a very similar situation, I can really relate to what you are going through...
I will try to not be judgmental, and just share my thoughts (and what I have learned from my resources, including books & counseling).

First of all, let me start with the most important thing. She told you "she had two choices, we were going to run out of money and lose the house, so it was either (a) go on the game or (b) leave you."
That seems to me like a false dilemma right there. It is never only (a) or (b). There are a million choices in between. I am not trying to judge, but it seems to me like she needed to see those as her only options.
Does she have issues with confidence, self-worth, her father, male role models in general? Has she been emotionally abused?
Underlying issues like the above, or other issues that have nothing to do with money or being horny, can make women subconsciously think they are worthless, and try to validate themselves by playing the role of an "easy girl" or "slut" or "mischievous female" or even a prostitute...

A few things about my case: I was deeply in love with my girlfriend, she seemed to feel the same, and told her sister and her mother that she has never ever felt so in love, and her face was glowing with happiness.
A few months later, I found out that she had made out with someone else (the opposite of my type, i.e. tough, muscular, uneducated, badass, etc) a couple of times, stopped short of having sex because they had no condoms, and secretly flirted and texted him a few months after that, till I found out. After her initial denial, lying, etc, she told me what happened. Guess what. She told me that "because our physical relationship was so good, she questioned whether it was really love or just lust that she felt for me and felt that going out with another guy would cement how she felt about me." Sound familiar? Yes, that is exactly what she had told her sister, that is exactly what she later told me. That is a lie she told herself. She also said she wanted to be sure she would not fall for bad guys again and that she would remain faithful to a good guy like me in the future. So she wanted to get "tested" by going out with this guy. She said that, because she "just" made out but did not have sex, she had passed the "test". Hmm, so she cheated in order to not cheat... great, I am so happy our relationship is "cemented" now... If this sounds ludicrous, it's because it is. It is just a way of rationalizing, of justifying her actions to herself and to others, so she does not seem like a bad person.

The actual reasons for her infidelity go deeper than that. What she was really trying to do, was establish a male role-model in her mind. She is not sure what a "man" is. Her father was unreliable and absent and slept with sluts, she had not had many decent relationships in the past, and she had just come out of an abusive marriage. So she did not really know what a "man" should really be like. I will mention more later.

In the mean time, I also tried to forgive her and move past it, since I loved her and wanted to work things out. But we were both too immature to handle it. Most importantly, she was completely oblivious to the fact that she was hurting others with her actions. She never seemed to honestly regret what she did, and asked for forgiveness just for the sake of it, because she knew she would not get her needs met and would not find what I gave her from anyone else.

One more thing. A few months later after the affair, she had no job and no money. Guess what. She told me she was thinking of becoming a prostitute. She had this strange look in her eyes, like she wanted to play this role, like it was really made for her.

Here is a question for you: Does your girlfriend have issues with her father, especially in childhood? Does she has issues with her male role model?
In my case, it turned out she had not solidified her male role model, did not know what "a man" really is (is it a good guy, a bad guy, a generous guy, a punk, what? she was unsure...) so she needed to do some "testing".
Also, it turned out her father's behavior had encouraged her slutty behavior. Her father used to frequently sleep with "sluts" and frequently abandoned her, her siblings and her mother, but returned home, then left again.
When she was 12, her father had taken her for a ride with his car where some prostitutes worked the streets and told her "see those, they are whores, do not have relationships with boys, or you will become like those".
But, by forbidding, he was subconsciously communicating what he really wanted her to be. Children pickup on the parents subconscious desires, and pickup on what they do rather than what they say. So, though she was afraid at first to stop being "monogamous" to her father, she started having sex at 25 and then became an "easy lover". (All this was explained to me by a psychologist we both saw afterwards). When we first met, I thought she was an awesome, exciting, loving, giving woman, who made me feel like the best man on earth. I was oblivious to the fact that she was easy, or that she was also "giving" to others. I had been so hypnotized, I had thought she kissed me and made out with me in the middle of our first date because she was really attracted to me and really liked me. Only after discovering about her cheating on me, on her ex husband, on her ex fiance etc, did it occur to me that she escalated with me quickly because she was an 'easy lover'.

I found out this about myself: The reason I am attracted to slutty behavior, is that when a girl give in easily, it makes me feel wanted and accepted. It has to do with my own inferiority complex. If a girl resists moderately or plays hard to get, I feel rejected and turned off. Which is why I fell madly in love with "easy" girls quite few times. When, instead, I had relationships with decent girls, I loved them and cared about them, but was not crazy about them. It is funny how our own insecurities define who we are attracted to. If we fix those insecurities, it changes our preferences completely.

By the way, here is an idea. There is a book called "Emotional Vampires" by Albert Bernstein. In chapters 4-6 he describes personalities he humorously calls "lovable rogues" and "vampire daredevils". It describes the traits of people that engage in high-risk behavior, are addicted to excitement (be it sex or anything that rapidly changes their brain neurochemistry), do not comply with any sort of dress code, have fun first and do the work later, make promises they cannot keep, etc and, despite the above, are the most exciting people you have ever met. You can look up previews of the book on amazon or google books, and see if the descriptions ring a bell. It matched 100% with my girlfriend's traits. The book was fun to read and really helped me understand her, myself, and what to do.

I could go on, but it is also becoming a novel. There are a couple more issues here.

When I told my shrink that my girlfriend was thinking of becoming a prostitute, his reply was:
"Get over your Oedipus complex. The role of the pimp does no fit you".
(If the meaning of this seems unclear, let me know and I will explain.)

Also, you mention 3-somes etc as an upside. It could be, or it could be a way of rationalizing, and convincing yourself that this is a good situation to be in.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, it would be useful to draw some boundaries, and agree for how long she will do this, and when she will quit (e.g. in 6 months, not 6 years).
If you figure out some alternatives for employment, and she is unwilling to cooperate, then you will simply know that her choice of employment is just that, a choice, motivated by issues deeper than just easy money...

I am hoping that people here can give me their honest opinions on my situation and keep the snide remarks to a minimum....
I am so totally in love with her and can't imagine being without her, but it tears me up inside. I am hurt and confused.
Anyway, I want to hear your thoughts, particularly if you have had a similar experience.

[Lord Darkshire]

Old thread!! Totos please only post on current threads...a week or two old should be the limit.