Online Affair breaking up with a Married woman that still cares for me!!??

[Heartonsleeve]

So first and foremost, let me say that I am fully aware of how stupid this sounds and it probably is. However, it is also the strangest thing that has ever happened to me romantically and I'm not sure where/who to turn to, so I thought I'd try this. I'm already prepared to hear how some of you will see me as this awful person and that I have no right to complain. You are probably right. If possible, could you please limit the harsh words and try to offer real advice.

I am in a long term relationship with a woman that I care for very deeply. I know that logically, she is the woman I should be with. She is pretty, sweet, and I trust her. I am a father of two kids (8 and 10) from my ex wife, and the woman I am with now is trying very hard to be a good step-mom to them, even though they only stay with us every other weekend, their visits can cause stress sometimes. All in all she is doing a good job and the kids have grown to like her very much.

I recently met a married woman (who also has kids 8 and 2) online through a game that we both play together. At first we just flirted back and forth and I was the one that did most of the flirting at first. However, later she began to enjoy our time together, and we eventually began to message each other a lot, which eventually led to voice chats, which then led to voice chats on skype. I'm a decent singer and I told her of my talents. She wanted to hear me sing so I did sing for her. She really loved my voice and told me how wonderful it was. We kept talking more and more under the pretense that she was going to help me with lyrics to my music we grew closer and closer and began to discuss personal things and have stimulating conversations. Soon, the flirting and contact led to longing feelings for each other and it wasn't long before we were confessing having deep feelings for each other.

A lot of this "need" to search for another to make me feel loved and appreciated again stemmed from the relationship I am currently in, going stale and with the lack of emotional intimacy. The online married woman filled that need. She is also very beautiful to me and we have both seen pictures of each other on FB. Our conversations got more and more intimate and I learned that her marriage was on the rocks as well (shocking I know...*SARCASM*) this led into discussions of her possibly leaving her husband and moving to where I live. She live several states away from me. After going through several rounds of "this is ridicules and there is no way we could ever logically be together" from each of us. we eventually came to a point where she was considering a life with me and I with her. We discussed living arrangements and life values and and began to discuss and present ourselves to each other in a more "real" light and not just fantasy. We discussed financial matters and even our faults and shortcomings. For awhile, I was truly torn between my current long term relationship, and my new online romance. I discovered that the online woman was really intelligent and had a lot of things in common with me. This led to further attraction between the two of us and we even had phone sex a few times. We had gotten to the point where we shared our cell phone numbers and had begun to text each other and say "I love you" to each other.

all of this happened very fast (span of roughly 2 months) for awhile, it seemed that we had both just gotten caught up with the passion and excitement of each other. We even planned to meet and she was going to pay for half of my plane ticket. Her husband (whom I also met online a bit later) was the total opposite of her. He hadn't graduated from H.S. and worked a low paying job. He couldnt read or write very well, wasn't very attractive and had begun to show her less and less attention and their kids as well. I'm aware this is a common plight of married women that their husbands soon forget to show them the attention they deserve and this can lead to women straying from their marriage.

To make a long story short, she eventually decided that it wasn't prudent to be with me or to have me come out to visit her even though she really wanted to. She said even if we met as just friends, she isn't sure she could control herself around me. We both knew it was wrong to be together, and we kept bringing up the logical reasons why we couldn't be together. The emotional desire was there and we still loved each other, but she couldn't see leaving her husband and she feared losing her kids in a divorce. She is also being supported by him now and I'm sure financial uncertainty has a lot to do with her decision to remain in a marriage where she doesn't love him like she does me. The passion was barely there to begin with when they first met and now that time has passed she and him have lost a lot of the passion and deep loving feelings.

Together, we both decided to take a couple weeks off from each other so we could just be friends. At first i thought it was just me that needed time to heal before I could attempt to be friends only, but i later discovered that she too was having a hard time trying to be just my friend, and that those feelings of deep caring possibly love for each other don't just go away overnight.

I'm nearing the end of the 2nd week now and we will soon begin talking again to try and remain just friends because we cant bear to lose each other completely. I know that she still cares for me in that romantic way and I still care for her too. At this point I'm not sure what to do. I told her that I have never been "dumped" by someone that cares for me so much. She agreed and it seems we are both having a hard time with this. My current long term relationship is actually going a lot better and I have been putting more time and energy into it. My ultimate goal (online married woman's too) is for us both to be just friends. In the off-chance that she ever gets divorced and I break up with my long term relationship. we have agreed to consider each other as possible future romantic partners.

So to sum up, my plan is to put my energy into my current relationship and try to be friends only with this online married woman. However, because of our romantic past and obvious connection to each other, this may be near impossible. We don't want to lose each other, but I don't know if we can truly be just friends with each other... =(

What does everyone think?

[steviej]

Stop being so selfish.

Either dedicate your time to fixing your current relationship or break up and persue the other woman.
Don't keep your current girlfriend as a 'back up', staying with her until soomething better comes along, it's not fair on her at all! Have some respect for her.

Your choices as i see it are black and white - rekindle what has been lost with your current partner and TOTALLY cut all contact with internet girl, or become single and continue to try to tempt a married woman away from her husband, splitting up a family and forcing the kids to grow up with their parents many miles apart.

You're an adult, you have to stop deluding yourself that you can be friends with this woman, that's just your way of keeping this emotional affair going.
It's tough, but you have to consider others in this case and not just yourself.

[Heartonsleeve]

I do agree with you that what I am doing is being selfish. However, It isn't really I that is luring her away from her marriage is it? If her relationship is strong with her husband, I never could have even gotten her attention in the first place. I don't feel too guilty for her husband/kids. The husband is even more selfish than I and doesn't spend much time with her or his own kids. Honestly, I am pretty convinced that the only reason she is even staying with him is because she feels obligated to him and that he is the only one working now.

To be honest, even if she doesn't end up with me, I'd like to see her move and be with someone that will treat her better. They are on opposite ends of the spectrum and they really don't fit well together at all. The logical part of me suspects that she and I probably wouldn't work out in the long run either, but I'm still curious about it.

I really wish that we had had the chance to meet to see for ourselves if there was even any real potential there. If we had met and there had been no chemistry, then all of this would resolve quite easily and we both could have moved on with ease. If we had met and there was something there, it might have been worth exploring further.

You say not to split up her family and force her kids to live apart from their father, but the odds of this happening IMO is quite good whether I am in the picture or not. She is not happy in her marriage and she doesnt really love him like a wife should love her husband. Is that really a healthy relationship? I wouldn't want my "wife" to stay with me if she was only doing so for security reasons.

I don't know what to think really... I'm torn between trying to do the right thing, and trying to be there for her as a friend when the shit eventually hits the fan with her life which i believe it will in the next year or two.

Gun to my head, I am currently going with my long term gf. We do have a history together and have a lot in common and get along well for the most part. I go from caring for her one day to loving her deeply the next... so there is still for her and I.

I don't think of my gf as a back up plan. I think of the online woman as one though.... I can freely admit that.

This is why I wanted to meet the online woman so bad. It's hard to make a choice like this when i dont have any real time with the online woman. If I could meet her and hang out for a couple of days, I feel I'd have a better understanding of who she really is and if we would even be worth pursuing further.

[Saya]

Have you told your gf about her?
Does her husband knows that she doesn't love him anymore? Does he know about you?

[Heartonsleeve]

No I haven't told my gf about her. I doubt she would be my gf much longer if she knew. Her husband is like 22 and she is almost 30. This is his first marriage. No he doesn't know about me and seems oblivious to what is going on around him. I assume he thinks that because they are married that it is self explanatory. He probably assumes she loves him because they are married. No he doesn't know about me either.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you're addicted to your internet GF (a married woman?), disrespecting your real GF and you sound like a selfish attention whore. You need to get off the needle. Divorced also you say? Can't say I'm surprised.

At some point, you need to realize *you* are the common element to your problems with women. Hope you can handled the blunt answer, but you did ask what we thought.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

[Heartonsleeve]

Well of course I'm addicted to her... hence the problem! LOL. Obviously I'm the common element to the problems I have. Most people that have ANY problems can probably attest to that blanket statement. You really aren't telling me anything I didn't know. I have already told you what I PLAN to do about it. I plan to work on my relationship with my real gf and attempt to remain just friends with the online woman. I'm not asking what you think about me personally. I'm asking if you think its possible to go from online romance to just friends.

[HeartIsAching]

you sound like a selfish attention whore.

At some point, you need to realize *you* are the common element to your problems with women.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

This. Precisely this.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm asking if you think its possible to go from online romance to just friends.

No. You aren't just friends. You are keeping this online relationship a secret. This is classic definition of an affair. You are a cheater and so is the married gal. The standard advice from professionals is the break all contact.

Why did you say you were divorced, again?

@ HIA - thanks for the support. :-)

[Heartonsleeve]

Does calling me an attention whore make you feel better? Let me reiterate as i posted in my first post "If possible, could you please limit the harsh words and try to offer real advice." I'm not here looking for abuse or punishment. If the only thing you are capable of is being rude then please don't bother to reply. I am fully aware of how this situation makes me sound. Everyone has done things they are not proud of. I'm not looking for attention and if I was, I'd be on Jerry Springer or some other trashy tv talk show. I'm looking for help from someone that has been in my situation or something similar.

[Heartonsleeve]

I never actually said I was divorced, but I assume it was deduced from what I have been saying to other things. I'm divorced because my wife cheated on me actually. I have been cheated on by another serious gf before I was married as well. The man my ex wife was cheating on me with is now married to her. (actually glad he took her off my hands because she was awful) So obviously I have been on both ends of this crap.

[IndiReloaded]

Does calling me an attention whore make you feel better? Let me reiterate as i posted in my first post "If possible, could you please limit the harsh words and try to offer real advice." I'm not here looking for abuse or punishment. If the only thing you are capable of is being rude then please don't bother to reply. I am fully aware of how this situation makes me sound. Everyone has done things they are not proud of. I'm not looking for attention and if I was, I'd be on Jerry Springer or some other trashy tv talk show. I'm looking for help from someone that has been in my situation or something similar.

Hey, *I'm* not the one having an affair with a married woman. Are are how you behave.

Anyway, you were given help. Told to end it. Its the only decent thing to do. Only someone who is desperate for attention would continue. Desperation doesn't make it alright. And there is nothing special about your relationship, the story is as old as the hills. Way before Jerry Springer, but yes, you probably qualify. We know you are divorced b/c you said so:

I am a father of two kids (8 and 10) from my ex wife

Great example for your children, btw. If you like a different source of info (but won't tell you anything different) here you go:

[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html[/url]

You'll get some more responses tomorrow, but none of them will tell you what you are doing is okay. Sorry.

[Heartonsleeve]

oh gee... is it ok??? are you sure it isn't???? having an affair is a bad thing really??? WOW! seriously this is the best the web has to offer is retards online that think they are above everyone else?! I have read other forums where people are actually helpful. Not conceited pricks that condemn people for their mistakes. IndiReloaded you strike me as a christian lad.... I am too. One of the big things that is taught in Christianity is that he w/o sin should throw the first stone. this boils down to that we as humans are ALL sinners. We all make mistakes.

Second, I really don't need you to tell me that having an affair was wrong. I figured that out for myself.

I don't expect to find anyone in my situation confess or help me through this process. It sounds like all of you have nothing better to do than laugh and try to make me feel bad for my actions.

If anyone has any REAL help to offer feel free to post. Otherwise STFU Hypocrites!

[Wakeup]

You know the funny thing here is you got perfectly awesome advice way back at post No. 2

Stop being so selfish.

Either dedicate your time to fixing your current relationship or break up and persue the other woman.
Don't keep your current girlfriend as a 'back up', staying with her until soomething better comes along, it's not fair on her at all! Have some respect for her.

Your choices as i see it are black and white - rekindle what has been lost with your current partner and TOTALLY cut all contact with internet girl, or become single and continue to try to tempt a married woman away from her husband, splitting up a family and forcing the kids to grow up with their parents many miles apart.

You're an adult, you have to stop deluding yourself that you can be friends with this woman, that's just your way of keeping this emotional affair going.
It's tough, but you have to consider others in this case and not just yourself.

^^^Repeated for your reading pleasure.

No sense getting rude with people who are simply pointing out what you already know but are in denial about. Yes, you may say "you know" but you are not actually grasping any of it to be very important to you. You are emotionally vulnerable to the wrong person. Someone who you can't have, who shows no evidence of ever leaving the life she's now in while you cheat the girl you can have by not giving her all of yourself.

As per your question: No, I do not think you can remain friends when you are currently int he throws of having an emotional affair with her. So go cold turkey and quit short changing yourself with your current gf whom you could (and should) have the same emotional connection with if you were'nt spreading yourself so thin.

Fantasy is more important to you. If I were you, I'd explore the reason for that just to make sure you're not settling for the wrong girl in this so called long-term real live girlfriend you are betraying.

Zero contact and work on the current or leave her too if you can't give yourself to her like you give yourself to the married emotional cheater. You trying to just be friends is like a smoker saying they quit but they're still smoking.

[IndiReloaded]

If anyone has any REAL help to offer feel free to post. Otherwise STFU Hypocrites!

Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt. Anyway, I'll concede the conceit, but that's about it. I'm married 20 years, first marriage for us both and no divorce in sight. I'm about as far from a retard as you are an upright moral fellow. I'm also as liberal as they come and a proud atheist. The only hypocrite is you:

hyp·o·crite   [hip-uh-krit]
noun
1.
a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

Try Will Harley's site like I suggested. Shrug.