The story of my broken heart.

[Fru]

Hey everyone! I'd like to start out by saying how much this forum has helped me over the past 4-5 months. Just reading other people's stories tells me I am not alone, that I am certainly not the first to deal with a badly broken heart and I won't be the last, and that it is actually possible to heal from it.

Anyway, I think it's finally time to share my own story here. I'm sorry that it's so long, but I hope you read the whole thing.

I'm a 24-year-old woman, and have had one serious relationship in my life. It started in October 2010 and ended October 2011, so it lasted just about a year. Previous to that, I had only gone on a couple dates in my life, none of them anything really special, and I had certainly never had a boyfriend. I had kissed someone once, not long after graduating from high school, and thought it was disgusting, so that was the end of that.

I was never really worried about being single; I never went out of my way to look for a boyfriend. It just wasn't that important. I was busy with my friends, school, art (I'm an artist), travelling, and just life in general.

While working at a smoothie shop in the summer of 2010, between semesters at university, I met this guy. He was a customer of mine. I thought he was extremely cute and seemed very polite, nice, and interesting. He came in more and more often for a smoothie, and would ask me a different question about myself every time. We shared a lot of interests and I looked forward to his visits. When my last day at the shop was approaching (I was quitting to return to my schooling), I let him know, and he suggested to hang out. So, we hung out for the first time in August.

We spent an awesome day together in Vancouver where we were both based, walking around the city, eating sushi, etc. and generally getting to know one another. I was really surprised that this went so well; from my previous dating experience, I had thought it would be awkward, boring, and pointless. However, it turns out I felt relaxed, engaged and was having fun with this guy. I was excited by it.

We couldn't follow up with a second date right away, because he was about to embark on a trip across the country for a month. But he asked for my address to send me letters and postcards. Over the course of August I received about 6 postcards and letters, all of which I thought were wonderful. He told me about his trip, what he was seeing and feeling, and how much he had enjoyed our first day of hanging out, and how much hope he had to get to know me better when he returned.

He came back in September, as I returned to school. We hung out a lot during that month, and I even invited him to my family Thanksgiving dinner. He came to that, and met my giant extended family (13 people around our table that day). They all liked him, and he said he enjoyed himself a lot and was very touched by the way they had welcomed him with open arms. My family was excited for me, as I had never had a "special guy" before and they could tell how much I liked him.

We continued hanging out every weekend into October, November, December, etc. In October I asked him if we were in a relationship, and he said did I want to be?, and I answered yes, so I changed my Facebook status to read "in a relationship with so-and-so" (to me, that's official).

He lived with his family still, who I had met lots of times and were amazingly kind, sweet, and generous. I would generally go to his house and we would hang out there, because I lived with my roommates in a rented house and there wasn't a lot of food hanging around, whereas his dad was an amazing cook and we would enjoy nice dinners with his family. Also then we could play his computer games, which was an interest we both shared. He loved seeing me play his favourite games, and we spent many hours developing my character in Elder Scrolls: Oblivion.

We spent New Year's Eve 2010 together. Previous to this I had never spent the night with him. I was extremely anxious about the whole sex thing, being a complete virgin; it took me a very long time to even kiss him, when we first got together, and I was not generally physically affectionate. That's just the way I was and had always been. I had great feelings for him, but I just felt uncomfortable with intimacy. (I was a terrible kisser at first. ) Anyway, I agreed to spend the night on the condition that no sex could happen between us! I felt that I was not ready in the least, and I wasn't. So, I slept in his bed with him and he didn't get up to any antics. We just snuggled a very little bit (as much as I would allow) and that was it. I didn't sleep a wink the whole night; I was so nervous and anxious to be in a guy's bed!

Anyway, he was very respectful; I realized later how much he wanted me, but of course I had no clue about anything at the time. But he didn't force me into anything, not at all. I was very glad to have someone who understood that I wanted to move slowly. I also felt weird about being intimate with him because he lived with his parents. I was deadly afraid that we would be caught doing something, and then his parents might think I was a floozy. Those were my thoughts at the time, anyway. I really liked his parents and wanted them to think well of me. I also found it just a little ... off-putting that a guy his age (24 at the time) had no problem with having sex in his room in his parents' house. I thought of it as a little weird. Eventually, I got over that, for the main part.

We grew more intimate as time went on, still avoiding sex. I wasn't ready. But apart from that, we had a wonderful time. I think I told him "I love you" maybe around January, I can't remember when it was. He didn't answer me the same at first, which made me sad for a while, but maybe a couple weeks or so later he said he had "grown to love me," which I felt a little odd about but I was just happy to hear it, so I didn't question.

Then, in April 2011, came the first blow.

A little bit of explanation first. One day in November 2010, I got up in the morning and checked my phone to discover that he'd sent me a text at about 3am saying "Is it possible that we hang out later today, I really need your company right now." Of course, my heart was all a quiver, and I was extremely worried. I cared about him a lot already, and wanted to help him in any way I could. So, I texted back to say of course. In the evening, after I was done my classes, we met up at a coffee shop. He didn't say a thing when I first saw him; he just walked up to me and hugged me for a long time, and he seemed to be crying. I was so concerned. We went to get our coffees, and sat down. It took him a long time to say what he wanted to say. But eventually it came out that he had received a "nasty email" from a girl, and was upset by it.

This girl in question was the receptionist at the sword-fighting school he attended. He told me that she was angry because she felt he had been leading him on, and when him and I got together, she felt cheated. So now she had sent him an angry letter. He told me she was mentally unbalanced, perhaps bipolar. I asked him if he had done anything to indicate to her that there was a connection between them, and he clearly told me no. (Remember that part. He said there was nothing he had done to make her think that there was something between them.) I was a little confused as to why he was so upset about it; I mean, if he hadn't done anything, why would he be upset over this letter, especially if she was just angry for no good reason? But, I tried to comfort him the best I could, telling him he didn't deserve it, and he should just ignore it, etc. Eventually he got less agitated, and told me what a great and wonderful and sweet person I was. I soon dismissed the incident.

Anyway ... April 2011. It was the night of the graduation show for my program. As a second-year student, I was requested to help out my fellow classmates during the evening as a floor person, telling people where the bathrooms were and that sort of thing. So, I was at school, just preparing to leave for the show, and I decided to just check my Facebook one last time before I left.

What I saw there shocked me deeply. I had received a message from the receptionist girl. It said something like, "I've just been diagnosed with chlamydia and the only possible source is your boyfriend. Please get yourself checked out, and tell him to get checked out too." You can't imagine what I felt at that time. I thought I was going to pass out. But, I had to go and help out at the grad show, so I quickly closed it up and left with my classmates.

The whole night I was shaking and stunned inside, but I had to put on a smile and pretend that everything was normal. It was one of the hardest nights of my life. I thought it would never end.

Finally, we could go home. I took the train with my classmate, since we lived in the same area. She got off one stop before me, and I went to the next stop, got off, and immediately called my boyfriend. I said, "we need to meet up right now." He seemed surprised, and said "should I be worried?" I said, maybe. We agreed to meet up at another train station.

I met him there, and after a few minutes of silent walking I told him the message I had received. I asked him to explain. I said, how did this happen? You said nothing had went on between her and you. Something did happen, because you gave her an STD. You've lied to me for six months.

He was very upset. He said he was planning on telling me but hadn't found the words. I was absolutely disgusted and deeply hurt, but I was still in love, unbelievably. We stayed there on a bench outside the station for hours because I was actually worried that if I went home, he might go out and hurt himself (he had previously told me of a depression of his that he sometimes struggled with). So, I refused to get on my bus. It was freezing outside, and I was wearing a skirt and nylons, so my toes were ice. I put them in his lap and made him warm them up. I figured it was the least he could do.

Somehow, it turned around so that I was the one comforting him. He said he was a bad person, etc, and I was telling him otherwise.

Eventually, we went back to his place and he made me a cup of tea. We sat there in silence for a while. I was feeling miserable, emotionally and physically. He then drove me home (he sometimes borrowed his parents' car).

I told him that night, "the good news is that I forgive you." He asked what the bad news was, but I wasn't really sure.

I should have dumped him then and there. But, I loved him so much I was willing to forgive him for this. I really wanted to get through it. I was so determined that this relationship would be a forever thing, because I felt he was my soul mate. My stupid, naive, innocent soul.

Anyway, that was something that I was trying very hard to get over in the next couple months. He got checked out and yes, it turned out he did have chlamydia, and got treated for it. He said he must have gotten it from one of the two previous partners (that disgusted me too), before we met. He contacted them to let them know. I had relapses a few times and would have to get him to meet up with me randomly so we could talk about it and I could cry more. I told no one about this at first. It was very hard to keep all to myself, because I tell my friends and family pretty much everything. It hurt me to keep inside, but I did for the sake of his reputation. Eventually I told my two closest friends, and made them promise to keep it secret. They thought I should dump him, but I didn't want to.

Our relationship continued despite this, and I still loved him and enjoyed spending time with him. We hadn't had sex yet (thankfully, as it turned out!). But, in the summer I started taking birth control in preparation to have sex. I felt more ready and like I wanted to try it. This event still gnawed at me at times but like I said, I was determined to get over it.

I remember one day during this time that I made him come and pick me up at school (a bit of a long drive from his house), because I think I had talked to one more friend about it and I had gotten upset all over again for it. He drove me home and we sat in his car, and I just had tears streaming down my face, but I turned to him and said, "I don't want to let this fall apart." He broke down in tears too and said "I love you so much." We hugged each other, crying. I felt that this was a healing experience of some sort, and it made me think that we were both determined enough to get through it.

When I felt ready at least, we tried sex. I was terrible at it, of course, and being a virgin, it was painful and unpleasant for me the first couple times. But, I got more used to it. I was willing to do anything for him. Except for a blow job. He really wanted a blow job; I thought it was a horrible-sounding experience. Why would I want a penis in my mouth? It sounded disgusting, and I would probably throw up. That was something I didn't give in to. I started considering it towards the end, even though I really did not want to, but never actually did it.

Anyway, so I thought everything would be fine. Despite our trouble, despite his misdeeds, I wanted to do this.

(Continued...)

[Fru]

(Continue reading below...)

Then, towards fall, he started getting distant. I had to work to get an "I love you." He didn't say it back to me when I said it, unless I pressed him. I felt something was wrong, and it was worrying me inside, but I figured he was just distracted because he was at this point confused about what to do with his life. He was unhappy with his job but wasn't sure what to do instead. I thought that might be why, so I soldiered on.

Sometime in September, he said that his feelings were starting to change, and he felt himself withdrawing from me. He didn't love me as much as he used to, but he still thought I was wonderful and amazing so there was no reason for this change, he said. I was so, so upset and confused and nervous and desperate. We agreed to take one week's break from each other: no contact, no hanging out, and at the end of the week we would see what's what. When he told me this, I was spending the night at his house and we were in bed, preparing to sleep. I just cried myself to sleep. I cried harder than I've ever done before. And in the morning I cried the minute I woke up. I knew he was distressed and felt really bad, but not as bad as I felt.

After that day, the no contact started. I lasted two days, and then travelled out to meet him after his work because I felt like I couldn't do it. I couldn't eat, and I was crying every night. I had to put on a normal face for school and my roommates, as I hadn't told a soul about this "break." Anyway, we took a walk along the shore at night, and I just cried. We didn't talk much. I made him hug me a few times; I felt like I was falling apart.

He drove me home, and the rest of the week, I managed not to contact him. I was dying inside though, it was actually the worst week of my life. I wrote out a letter, reminding him of all the good times we'd had and why I loved him so much, and begging him to continue with our relationship, which I planned to give him at the end of the week.

Finally, Saturday came and I met him at work. I couldn't even speak; I was sitting there on a bench, trembling and trying not to cry. I really didn't know if we were going to be together or not after this meeting. I gave him the letter and he read it, and asked me if there was anything else I wanted to say. I shook my head. I told him to just spit it out, tell me, because I couldn't handle another second of this not knowing. He said, "I don't think it's time to give up just yet." I was so overjoyed (like an idiot, I now realize). I had a stupid smile on my face the rest of the day, because we were still together!

Looking back, I can't believe the power this had over my life. But, it was my first love, my first relationship, and I had fallen hard for this guy. Really hard. So, you can see why I was so happy.

Our one year anniversary was not long after this. Excited, I made him a lovely present. It was a little notebook that I had filled with my best memories of us. I had written down all of the wonderful things we had done together. I was so happy to give this to him.

I was excited to get something in return -- however, he told me that my present would be late, because he was still working on it. I was a little upset, but I accepted it because I figured it was better to wait and get something finished. A couple days went by, still no present. I became sad inside about it. I didn't know why he would take so long; I began to think he didn't care about it, or didn't know how much it meant to me. A couple weeks, and it was really bothering me, and I reminded him a few times, but he still said it wasn't ready. I was confused and a little upset.

The fated day came. It was a Thursday near the end of October; my dad's birthday; and I was to leave the next day for a weekend away with my friends. I wanted to see him before I went, because otherwise we wouldn't see each other until the weekend after that. I asked him to spend the night at my place. I wasn't in a very good mood ... it was that time of the month for me. He ended up being very late, and I was pretty irritated. I felt like he didn't care whether he saw me or not before I left.

He finally got to my house. I opened the door and knew something was wrong. He greeted me quite formally and without his usual personality. I pulled him inside and jokingly told him he was late. He didn't really respond, and then I became very anxious and asked him what was wrong. After a few agonizing minutes he said "we need to talk."

I knew what that phrase meant. I had heard it enough in pop culture to know what was coming. And I was right. We went into my room and he broke up with me. I don't remember the exact words; they're probably blocked out of my memory.

I sobbed loudly, very loudly and painfully. At one point I stroked his cheek and told him he was a good person, and he broke down then too, briefly. I wouldn't let him leave. I was in denial. I would do anything. But he was determined.

One of my roommates came home, and then he really wanted to leave. She could hear my loud sobbing. I held onto his coat and prevented him for a while. Eventually I let go, and he said "goodbye." Then he was gone.

My beloved roommate made me tea and hugged me and cried with me. I was broken completely. I called my mom and told her and cried into the phone. She was so sad for me. Later, I looked on Facebook, to discover that he had already unfriended me. He must have done it the second he got home. Horrified, I quickly changed my status to "single." I received many kind and caring notes and realized how many good friends I have.

I stayed home from school the next day. I felt I couldn't handle to hear all the kind words from my classmates, and I couldn't concentrate on my work anyway. I went with my friends for our weekend away, because I thought it would be better than staying home alone to fall apart. And it was a good choice. I tried to have fun, but of course I was smashed inside. If I had been home alone though, I'm sure it would have been much worse.

Since he dumped me, I've unfortunately contacted him two times. The first time was for me to get a book I left at his house. Or that's what I told myself. Really, I just wanted to see his face again, see if he was still alive. I managed to avoid begging for him back, except for one time a couple months ago, when I was particularly desperate and low. I texted him a sad face, and he said "why so sad, with all this beautiful snow outside?" I told him I was so sad inside, yet I still had a scrap of hope that we would get back together, and it was driving me insane. I asked him if he was happier without me; he responded that he missed me very much at times, but having contact now so recently after the breakup was not a good idea. I asked to tell me once and for all that it's over, and that there's no chance for getting back together. He did not respond to this.

It made me very angry and upset that he wouldn't tell me simply "it's over." I felt like he was stringing me along, for during our breakup he had said something like "maybe in the future we will see each other romantically again, who knows?" ... and this made me very hurt and angry too, because I felt like he just wanted to keep me as a backup plan. I imagined in my mind that he would go around and screw as many girls as possible, and then come back to me because he didn't find anything better. I refused to be thought of like that. So that's why I asked him to just tell me it's over.

He did not respond to those texts, and after a few days I really regretted it, for I had lost my dignity doing that. Looking back, I had lost my dignity many times. I felt that he was a terrible man for refusing to say "it's over." I felt he was too cowardly to say it, and that made me angry. Since then I've resolved that I wouldn't take him back ever, even if he came crawling back to me.

I took the breakup very badly, and even today I am struggling with feelings of hate, sadness, spite. It was 4.5 months ago now.




If you've made it this far, I want to sincerely thank you for reading. The reason I'm writing this today is because I have just changed my Facebook to the new Timeline profile, and in checking all of my past posts as it suggested I do, I came across his new profile picture, because Facebook remembered that I was "in a relationship" with him. (I've now hidden it from my Timeline.) Seeing his face again just did something to me, and tears began to roll down my face.

Every day I imagine the terrible things I would say to him if he were to come over with a letter of apology. I imagine myself slapping him in the face; I imagine him crying in his room. It's awful and I want to stop but I can't seem to get my mind to stop thinking about him.

How do you get rid of such bitterness, such anger and hate?

I am mad at him for breaking my heart, for lying to me, for falling out of love with me. I am mad because I feel that he gave up on our relationship so easily, when I would have done anything to preserve it. I am mad because I think he's better than his past. I am mad because he's not living up to his morals. Most of all I'm mad because I can't get over it.

Any advice would be appreciated, and any opinions. Was I foolish to try so hard? Should I have given up much sooner? Even though I can't go back and change the past, I'd like to know for next time. I don't want to fall head over heels again like that, and forget my own dignity and sense of self. I want my morals and who I am to be more important than keeping someone in love with me.

Thank you. <3

[smackie9]

This is what dating is all about.....you learn from your experiences. Since this was your first one, you had nothing to compare it to so you didn't really know how to handle such a situation. They are called red flags....they are true warnings that you need to recognize as trouble. You also need to learn not to listen to your heart and take a step back to re-access what is really going on. Maybe next time ask a close dear friend, to give you an outside perspective. This guy was a liar, and selfish.....you just didn't want to believe it. He knew you were vulnerable and inexperienced and took advantage of that.

I feel that fear had so much control over your better judgement....you know it does get the best of us so you are not alone on this. Just place all this behind you, for what is done is done. Keep the hope that you will meet someone who is truly wonderful to you.

[searock]

Wanting to throw up is not a "normal" reaction at the prospect of giving a blowjob, unless you aren't interested in guys or you've been molested or psychologically coerced into believing that sex is wrong or something. If he insisted on getting one, he's a jerk. How old are you? You sound REALLY young. Like 16 young. If you are not a teenager, you might want to get some professional help to help with your mood swings and bouts of depression/anxiety. Anyway, no, you weren't foolish to try so hard. You were in love, people make all kinds of silly things when they're in love. Actually, kudos to you for trying your absolute hardest to fight for what you really believed in. As for the future, that's what experience is for: now you know that no matter how deeply in love you fall with someone, you must always hold on to yourself. Keep something of yourself for your own, don't let anyone else have it all. Never annihilate yourself in a relationship. And when you feel that your relationship makes you feel weaker and more miserable, you'll know it's time to either break up, or at least start some serious reconsideration. Relationships are supposed to make you feel strong, happy and free. No such thing as crying all the time! Be glad that it's over.

[edit] I just realized you said you are 24 years old. Counseling could really help you with your broken heart and your anxiety/depression bouts : ).

[Fru]

Whoa, I never said I had bouts of depression/anxiety. I'm pretty sure that whatever feelings of sadness, anxiety and mood changes I am experiencing are just the results of having a broken heart, not some kind of underlying psychological issues. And I haven't been molested, and I AM attracted to men, and I don't think sex is wrong. I'm sure I'm not the only straight, normal woman out there who thinks that shoving a penis into my mouth is a little gross. And if I'm the only one, well, fine. I'm not saying I'll never try it. I did let him use his tongue down there on me once, and it really didn't do anything for me, and it even made me feel a little grossed out. He never insisted I give him one, but he hinted at it several times. Maybe I'm just not into oral sex. I can't be the only one on earth who doesn't want to use their mouth down there.

Anyway ... I may sound young, but I do think I led a somewhat sheltered adolescence, never having gone on a single date until grade 11 or so. I wasn't the partier type, I was the nerd who kept to herself. While I have had some life experience, travelling and all that, I didn't have any romantic experience. And I realize I am learning more out of this experience than I ever knew before.

I think it's a good point that crying all the time is NOT a good relationship thing! I guess I thought that I would be able to get over the thing that happened between us, and eventually it wouldn't matter anymore ... but now I'm thinking that even if we were still together, it may have gotten worse instead of better ... there would always be that slight mistrust on my side, that slight suspicion and the scars that were left from it.

I think fear did have a part to play, too, yes. I was afraid, because my family and friends liked him so much. My dad would often ask me semi-jokingly if he had popped the question yet. I think they all thought we would be together for a long time, maybe even get married. So I was afraid that, if we broke up, my family would be so disappointed. Turns out I didn't need to worry, because my family was nothing less than supportive.

Come to think of it, I'm sure my family and friends would like him much less if I told everyone he had lied to me for six months, and that I had to find out from some random girl that he had an STD. But I think it's better now to just leave it. I don't want to bring it all up again, it would just cause more hurt and pain for everyone.

Thanks for reading all that. I really appreciate it!!

[searock]

I know you never said it, but it sounds like it from your post. It may be just because this was your first relationship, but you seems to have a propension for drama and over-emotive reactions that are generally associated with adolescence.

Generally, when a partner does something really terrible to the other partner (like cheating on them or otherwise betraying their trust), the only way the relationship can recover is with absolute trust and honesty and effort from both parts. Resentment and mistrust don't just vanish in a fortnight, actually they tend to grow in time, unless properly taken care of. There was nothing much you could've done to avoid it.

Your family shouldn't have such a huge part in your love life, IMO. Even if they had been disappointed, who cares? YOU knew that he was a jerk. I'm glad you "learned" that "lesson" too : ).

Don't worry, the pain you are feeling now is completely temporary. You will be absolutely fine in at most a few months : )!

[Fru]

Well, I'm not really an overly dramatic person, I don't think. I'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to the fact that it was my first relationship, I was too much in love, and didn't know what I was doing. And I suppose I've always had a tendency to romanticize ... well, romance! I'm too optimistic, maybe. But at the same time I don't want to become cynical, which is hard because now whenever I think of the relationship I was in, I tend to think cynically. And I don't like thinking that way.

There certainly wasn't enough honesty and effort on his part to heal the relationship, actually. I told him clearly that I wad going to need his help getting over that, and he never really did anything to help me in that regard, though I'm not sure what he could have done. He didn't try as hard as I did, certainly. And I was always the one who worked to spend time with him, not the other way around. I would make the effort to make plans with him, to see him regularly. Sometimes I did feel that if I didn't, he wouldn't be bothered.

I guess that was one of those red flags, eh? The ones I maybe did notice, but didn't think anything of, or was too hopeful to consider as serious.

I'm not saying my family has a big part in my love life ... I just meant that they want to see me happy, but I was taking it the wrong way, if that makes sense. I realize now that they were only disappointed because it made me sad. My dad now says "his loss!" whenever my ex is mentioned. Heh!

I hope I will be fine soon like you say! I really don't think he deserves my time, my tears, and my care anymore. I think it's just hard because I am so inexperienced, but at 24 I shouldn't be. I do have nothing to compare it to, so even if all I am missing is the "idea" of him, or missing having that someone to talk to and share my life with, it feels like I am missing him. I need to realize that he wasn't my only chance at love!

Thanks for responding. Any more replies are welcome : ]

[smackie9]

She is right searock, there are some women find oral repulsive, and some men too. For a lot of beginners it's not something they just jump into doing. Obviously it takes time, trust and experience. First time sex for those who wait into their twenties and beyond can experience horrible anxiety. So Fru there is nothing wrong with you.

[searock]

Ok then, I didn't know about that : ).

As for the rest, OP, I agree with what you wrote in your last post. The really strong emotions you felt were likely due to the fact that it was your first relationship. Smackie made me realize that having a first relationship in your twenties can be actually even more overwhelming than in your teens, because it is so late compared to most people.

Yes, he should have put LOADS of effort in gaining back your trust, instead as you said he didn't even seem to care much and you had to do most of, if not all, the hard work. You seem to have a clear insight as to what happened, which is definitely good : ). You are absolutely right, he doesn't deserve so much as another thought of yours, and of course you will get other chances at true love : ).

[smackie9]

Tip: when people get caught in their lies, they will down play it to get out of it. So be on your guard when things like that come up. Also I can see forgiving someone if you have invested a lot of time into the relationship or marriage BUT if you are only dating for less then a year or so, take it as a big red flag and probably more trouble ahead.

[Fru]

Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is perhaps not interested in oral! From the things I've read on these forums it sounds almost like a requirement of a good relationship ... : S

Heh yes, overwhelming is a good word for it. Especially since I thought I was already an adult. Haha. What a shock to realize how little I actually knew, and how little I have experienced compared to most other people! One of my very best friends is like me though ... but even less experienced. We're the same age, and she has never been on a date or had a romantic interest. She's just never had a guy interested in her. It makes me sad that people like her and me get so little attention from the other sex ... maybe it's because neither of us wear makeup or make big efforts to seem fashionable and stuff like that ... we're just nerdy! But surely there are good guys out there who look past the surface ... just have to look for them, I guess.

Yes, looking back it was a huge warning that I chose to ignore. Now I pay the price for it!

Writing that big long story all out and having people reply to it as kindly as you guys have makes me feel just that much better, though. Thank you!

[IndiReloaded]

Is there a Coles notes version?

[Fru]

Lol, I'm sorry it's so long ... I just can't stop writing when I really get going.

In a nutshell: I'm naive and inexperienced for my age, and I got dumped by my first love/first relationship and got my heart broken, and now, 4.5 months later, I'm still trying to get over it. I'm making pretty good progress though, I think.

Basically I just wanted to share my story. Just doing that helps a lot. Keeping it all inside isn't good, and I don't talk about personal stuff too much with my friends.

I also wanted outside opinions to see if I was crazy or not in doing what I did and feeling what I feel. Just like everyone else wants : )

[smackie9]

maybe it's because neither of us wear makeup or make big efforts to seem fashionable and stuff like that ... we're just nerdy! But surely there are good guys out there who look past the surface ... just have to look for them, I guess.

I'm afraid it's true.....that is why the cosmetic industry is worth billions. Now you don't have to wear glam makeup....but a little shadow, lip gloss and a touch of tight fitting cloths can make a huge difference. Now that you had one first experience, maybe it's time to try doing something else and step out of your comfort zone. Change is healthy. You and your GF go to a department store and get a free make over, but tell them you want a natural look, not an evening or glam look. Then go walk around after and see what kind of reactions you get from guys.

[kev1987]

Hi Fru, I've read your post and first of all, I'd say that your post is the ever FIRST one that have touched me! It's not those weeping level yet but I feel you.

Judging from the way you are coping now, I believe that you are DEFINITELY making progress walking out from this state.

I had just turned 25 and just got dumped by my girlfriend just a while ago. It stings but showing your anger to your ex will not solve anything but worsen the situation. Dignity is important, but above all else, ask yourself again is it worth going through all these when they don't even mean anything to your ex. I managed to turn some of my depressed emotions to strength. Now I just feel that I am a better person I used to be.

It takes time to get back on your feet or even forget someone who were once dear to you, but from what I had experienced, life has to move on. It hurts bad, seriously bad...but at least you have the guts to pour it all out.

You're not crazy for doing the things you did, in fact, you would probably go crazy if you just kept it all to yourself. Actually, I did something similar too and she slapped it straight back at me telling me "Why are you making it like I am the one to get blamed?" (Duh...) In the bottom line, everyone has a 'denial' stage in them and once it's passed, things will pick up on their own there.

Stay firm and you'll be yourself back in no time! ; )

P.S: From your post, I just feel like getting to know you because of the way you handle things. Of course, just strictly knowing you, no monkey business. If you're cool with it, this is my mail: [email]k_kev1987@yahoo.co.uk[/email]. You can ignore it if you feel insecure. No harsh feelings. ^^