Insecurities

[carlton99]

I met a girl online 5 weeks ago. We hit it off immediately, we make each other laugh and have since developed into a sexual relationship.
She currently lives with he ex still (they live separate lives and he has found someone new) and her son. They are together for the sake of the son and she will move out once she is in a position to do so. She is also juggling jobs and her workload is hectic (6 days a week) My situation is alot different. I work shifts, have a lot of time on my own as I live on my own and my daughter stays once a week with me.
Over the last few weeks we have gone out of our way to see each other and have sent 50+ texts per day. I announced first that I loved her and slowly her feelings developed for me and she now says it first without me prompting her. We both miss each other terribly when not together, look forward to the next time we are together, the sex is great, she has met my daughter and whatever we do is wonderful. I couldnt be any happier and I feel she thinks the same. I jokingly have asked her to marry me (and she has to me) and we have said it could happen. We have planned some events in the future and all is great.

However for the last 5 days there has been a change and I can't help but thinking it will all end soon. She has taken on a new job which is shattering her and making seeing each other rather difficult. She has also started to take the birth control pill and the morning after pill and I believe this is making her hormonal. I used to get texts from her throughout the day but her new job is meaning I get one (although she does ring me for 5 mins on her lunch break). I have told her I love her at least 5 times over the last 5 days and only once has she replied those words to me. I have questioned this and she says sorry she is just tired. She also mentioned that she is going to an event with her ex and the son next month and I felt a little hurt that it wasnt me going.
I also told her I lack self confidence and am insecure as I think she is in a different league to me. I told her that what we have is amazing and almost to be goo d to be true and somedays I just fear it will end. She said if I feel like this then it will and I should stop, but at the moment she hasnt told me it is doing her head in. I have asked her outright if everything is ok and her reply is that I worry too much.

I do not know how to be more relaxed as since last week her texts have dried up, they are not as loving as they were, we have no immediate plans to see each other, she has these days planned with her ex and she is not telling me she loves me - she assures me it is just her job/tiredness and maybe the pills, but me being me thinks something deeper.

[miffy]

Stop fretting. Your GF has it dead-on - you're spiraling into a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying you're insecure, dreading it won't last, and letting that influence your entire relationship. You're going to ruin it if you keep being so clingy and desperate for confirmation of her feelings. Which you already got multiple times btw. It won't always be happy-go-lucky, not every day/week/month is paradise on earth, and strong relationships survive such periods easily. Stop reading so much into it, and trust her to tell you when there are actual problems in the relationship instead of just a new stressful job, hormonal changes due to medication and a stressful situation with an ex and a child involved. Stop overinterpreting and making it all out to be you, and chill. She's into you, so be proud of that, and don't cling to her.

[carlton99]

Stop fretting. Your GF has it dead-on - you're spiraling into a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying you're insecure, dreading it won't last, and letting that influence your entire relationship. You're going to ruin it if you keep being so clingy and desperate for confirmation of her feelings. Which you already got multiple times btw. It won't always be happy-go-lucky, not every day/week/month is paradise on earth, and strong relationships survive such periods easily. Stop reading so much into it, and trust her to tell you when there are actual problems in the relationship instead of just a new stressful job, hormonal changes due to medication and a stressful situation with an ex and a child involved. Stop overinterpreting and making it all out to be you, and chill. She's into you, so be proud of that, and don't cling to her.

Wow, yes reading what you typed does bring it home to me. Unlike my job she doesnt have time to respond to texts instantly and it is maybe just a mood thing as its the bad time of the month plus the stress of this job and the change in feeling due to the pills.
I am just wary that it is early days and could go wrong.

I guess the next step for me is to find this inner belief, to gain more confidence and to be less insecure.
I felt great over the last few weeks when I was hearing this from her but when it stopped I have gone into a mini melt down.

It is now understanding what I need to do to get this confidence/belief etc back I can read back through her texts back they just have me thinking maybe her feelings have changed.

You see what I am like.......but what to do to be different??

[miffy]

You can't be different..there's a reason for insecurity and doubt. However, you can learn to know and understand yourself better and not let impulses and reflexes govern you. There are many ways to do that.

[Cerby]

She has a new job and new stress. I have little to add, but ask yourself this:

"Would I rather contribute to her stress or to her happiness?"

If you contribute to her stress level by pushing her too hard, you'll be out the door very soon.

[carlton99]

Well my fears where confirmed last night.After another day of few texts (compared to 50+ normally, I asked her if she she felt the same about us today as last week. She said "no and she didn't want to do this on here". That was like a knife through my heart.

She explained that for the first time she was not excited coming to see me the other night and didnt want me to kiss her.
She spent the whole phone call crying as she knew she was hurting me. I was too stunned to cry and have not slept well.
I should I change/wait but she doesn't want me to jump through hoops or put my life on hold for her. If she changes she will let me know but that is basically it.

I feel like real crap, as she stressed that she doesnt think she loves me but the sex is great, we make each other laugh and we get on great. She pointed out that with her ex it was love at first sight and that she wanted to see him at EVERY opportunity - it was like that with me up until a few days ago.

[miffy]

Hm well that's at least an honest statement from her. You have my sympathies, I can relate to the hurt. I think a bit of healthy distance would do you good now, clear your head a bit and try to sort yourself out before plunging into any discussions or pleading with her. The last thing that will help change her mind or "make her see" that she loves you is to pressure her or be needy.

She does contradict herself tho...she says it was the same with you as it was with her ex, but only to a certain point? So how did it end with the ex? Might she be repeating a pattern here? Anyway, it's safe to say you need to give her some space, and you need some fresh air to breathe as well. Ball's in her court, can't do anything but wait and see, although I know it's agonizing. Be prepared for the worst after all, and try to stay occupied.

Chin up mate.

[carlton99]

she was with her ex for 16 years

I just keep wondering round the house seeing her, smelling her and seeing her toiletries. Seems silly after 5 weeks but I really felt I would be with her forever. Sh eeven said to me we could be married one day. I just dont know how she can change so quick her feelings and more or less switch them off. I said to her that maybe it was the pills/her period/tiredness that was making her feel like that ie no excitement

We had a phone call about 3 weeks ago where she said lets step back a little as she wasnt ready for a relationship, and I was totally guided by her. It was her however that bombarded me with texts full of kisses and suggesting staying overnight at my house. I even said to he I would sleep in another room but we ended up together and had sex. She then suggested lunch, made surprise visits and seem to fall in love with me.

She has sent me a message this morning saying sorry and that if we meet and she doesnt feel the excitement again then we have to go through this all again and she doesnt want to hurt me.

But I feel hurt already and lower than low............

[miffy]

Don't feel low, it's not your fault. As I said, get out and get some distraction. Obsessing over her will not help you now. If anything can get her excitement back, it's missing you a bit. Go out, clear your head.

[smiley_]

She probably felt overwhelmed because you guys rushed into a relationship too quickly. You met online and in a matter of five weeks you were texting each other all day, saying "i love you" and having sex(all while she is still living with another man). She probably didnt have enough time to really figure out how she felt about you since things were moving so fast and you were still new and exciting to her.

Just take things slowly and give her space. You are being too clingy and it's pushing her away further

[carlton99]

Just giving an update on this. You are spot on she came out of a long term relationship and felt she was ready for one with me but then decided she wasn't. I've looked back at my texts to her and they are a bit heavy. I just wished I took the time to step back and see what I was doing.
We have said we will be friends and she came round on Saturday - and it was like friends, we then had phone sex later that night. She rang me on Sunday and today and we are JUST friends but she says if she does want sex it will be with me. She has said that when we have sex again it will be great and to leave the toiletries there. Is she giving me false hope or do you think she is certain she will get over the hurt and pain from her ex and come to me in the end???

How long does it take to get over a 16 year relationship???

Remember she is still living with him because she does not have a full time job so cannot stay there and pay the mortgage and cannot move out to buy.

[smiley_]

She is most likely stringing you along. She doesn't want a relationship right now and doesnt know when she will be ready, but wants to have the option of you being there when she is ready.

Everyone is different so it will take different people, different amounts of time to get over a relationship. She may not be "in love" with him but she may not be ready to move on either. 16 years is a long time. I would say she needs close to a year (if not more) to really move on. Just my thoughts.

[carlton99]

Ok so after a week of being friends I found it really difficult from going from seeing her 4 times a week, speaking on the phone and sending 50+ texts to each other per day so seeing each other once a week, 1 phone call and 10 texts a day. I saw her last night and said its hard to adapt to this, I cry every day thinking about how we were and this made her feel bad a she cried. We then ate and enjoyed the evening but all evening I just wanted to touch/hug her but I know she won't react to this.
This morning she sends me an email saying we cannot be friends as she knows I won't more than she can give at the moment. She says I make her feel bad by complaining about the lack of texts but as friends we shouldnt be texting/speaking EVERY day and by being my friend she feels she is giving me false hope. She suggests we have no contact.

My thoughts are this..........

I know she likes me alot, we really have a connection in and out of bed. We laugh together/share so much in common and never have bad moments or problems. I understand she doesn't want a relationship that involves closeness, but in time SHE WILL. What is my best way of dealing with this? I just want to be the first option for her when she admits to herself that she is ready again. It is only the first week of being friends so for me it was difficult, but now I realise what this means I can cope better I suppose. Yes I realise there are other people out there but I just want her and her only. She ticks so many of my boxes from what she wears, to how she is in bed, to her likes/dislikes, her looks and how we laugh together. I still find it so hard to understand how she can just switch off her feelings for me so quick.

[oneandonly]

She is right. No Contact is the best. She cares enough about you not letting you suffer more. She may feel uneasy around you dotting for her as well. Don't try to fool yourself into being a friend with her. You two cannot be friends. At least, not now when your emotions and hurt are still very fresh.

This relationship was mega fast! Sure, you two never had bad moments or problems but these don't usually arise till the honeymoon period is over.

It's pretty obvious that she is not ready for a relationship. Sorry but you were just a rebound to her. It will take some time to get over a 16 years long relationship. Still living with the ex doesn't help her completely move from him either.

Why would you want to waste your time waiting for her? She may never come around. What then? You will find someone just like her but with a far less baggage. Keeping in touch with her will do no good to you. Try to divert your energy to other opportunities instead of waiting around for someone who never comes around.

[couchpotato]

Hi Carlton, tried to PM but I dont think it went through.
I got almost the same case than you but no ex living together.
I would highly recommend you to slow down so nobody gets suffocated.
What I dont have very clear is if both of you live in the same country since you mentioned meeting her online.If so,strategy got to be different one.Let me know.
Do you live in the UK ?
I share your pain but believe me when I say nothing is lost...I was there!!
Keep your head up!!!