Trust issues in my relationship

[chasesummer]

So, i've been dating my girlfriend for like three months. Two months ago, things were 100 times better than they are now, but let me explain what i mean. We were much more comfortable with each other, always texted, talked, all that 100x a day. Then it started to drop off and my girlfriend said it was not me, it was because she really started to get feelings for me and it scared her because of what her last ex did to her. Then things would get a little better and then back again. Now, we talk like every other night and text a dozen times a day or so and i usually only see her on the weekends now. Before it was constant texting and talking and i saw her like 5 times a week. I keep asking all the time if shes bored or uninterested and the like and she keeps assuring me it's not me. It's her work getting busier (which it is) and the fear of getting hurt keeps eating away at her. We have not gotten intimate yet past kissing as she wants to take it slow because of getting hurt which i understand and i have posted this up in a few spots, but never on a section where women only answer the questions. So these are the norm answers i get:

give it time and see if she comes around

give her the space she wants and see what she does

go by your gut

If it bothers you that much, leave her

yada yada yada

So, i openly admit that going into this relationship i have my "baggage". HUGE insecurity problems from my past 3 relationships, bigtime confidence issues, trust issues up the wing-wang.


So, i guess what i'm asking is, how can i work through understanding her insecurities when mine instantly go through the roof?

[smackie9]

When they say it isn't you....it is. When a girl is insecure, she wants a confident guy to take the lead. Asking all these silly questions all the time is just making it worse and wearing her down. Stop the sniveling and just back off about it. She will text you more if you ignore her more. You make yourself more desirable if you make yourself less available....try it. Trust me it will work.

[chasesummer]

I know you are right with the ignoring part. And this may sound stupid, but that is tough for me because i am so insecure from what has been done to me in past relationships. (example, i dated a girl for 4 months and things were going great and then she started with the getting distant thing and the next thing i knew she broke up with me because i treated her to good. Her ex had broken her jaw 2 times in 3 years time prior to meeting me. I get a text from her like 5 months later, she was laying in the hospital because she went back to her ex and he broke 3 ribs and her nose and she said she realized she made the biggest mistake of her life leaving me. And he did all of this in front of there 18 month old son. And while in the hospital, she found out she was pregnant again with his child.)

I will give it a try, i just hate having to play games. Especially when i saw that she was a different way than this before. She never acted like this. I overthink everything, which is my biggest enemy. But it's easier said than done to fix that problem.

[smackie9]

Be more cautious about the girls you date. There is this shining knight syndrome, where you feel you need to save them from a horrible past, whether it was an abusive childhood or an abusive ex. This produces a disastrous relationship because you are not helping them at all. They actually need professional therapy to work out their issues...a relationship is the last thing they need, because it involves emotions, and with emotions they can't think properly. They just fall onto old habits, like going back to their abuser.

Since you have issues yourself that interferes with you having a normal happy relationship, maybe you could use some therapy. If things haven't worked for you so far, then maybe it's time to start looking for some professional help, because it sounds like you are struggling with it quite a bit.

[chasesummer]

Thank you for the advice smackie9. She has had an abusive childhood and a horrible past relationship and i don't want to be a SAVER of all, but she is so genuine i don't want to walk out on her because of a hand that was dealt to her. She has said a few time that she wants to go back to a therapist, but she has no insurance and can't afford to at the moment. I have offered to pay for a few visits to help her, but she seemed to take it the wrong way and got upset.

I feel that i have overcome my previous trust issues, its the worrying and fearing the worst that i have a problem with. When our relationship first started and she had not yet taken steps back, i was straight up the happiest guy in the world with no worries or cares at all. No second guessing or overthinking or anything. I have been considering seeking some help and wish we could go together but i know she would want no part of couples therapy.

[smackie9]

If she doesn't want help then you are wasting your time. There is nothing more you can do. Her issues are not yours to solve or to make it your purpose in life to help her.....it's not your responsibility. Sometimes walking away is the best therapy for them....pushes them to make that realization that they DO need to do something about it.

[chasesummer]

So we ended up talking this afternoon after i did not text or anything to keep the conversation going and one thing led to another and she said that i was stressing her out because i would tell her that if she wasn't happy with me and our relationship and that was why she was ignoring me then just let me know. That made her feel like i was pushing her to the door and asking her to walk out it. I explained to her that i was not trying to make her feel that way, i was only acting on the way she was making me feel and telling her in a way that if she's not happy it's ok just let me know.


(Note: At no time that we ever talk do i raise my voice or jump down her throat, but when she feels backed into a corner she does tend to snap back. Not hollaring or anything but snaps with a response quickly, even if sometimes it doesn't seem to make sense.


So maybe i was in the wrong here? Ladies, was i wrong how i went about this? I did apologize to her for making her feel that way. Also, she started to get stressed out between that and she had some problems with work today and while we were talking about this, she said she can't keep stressing about all of this. She needs to stop talking and try to calm down. So i said fine and we hung up. I did not text or anything, and out of the blue about an hour later she asked me if i ever heard a song that she just heard on the radio as if to test the waters or something to see if i would respond. I responded and have not heard from her in about an hour or so. (I don't think there was any meaning to the song title. It was a country song about hunting. Lol)

[IndiReloaded]

Be more cautious about the girls you date. There is this shining knight syndrome, where you feel you need to save them from a horrible past, whether it was an abusive childhood or an abusive ex. .

Show him the link, Smackie.

[smackie9]

Show him the link, Smackie.

There is no point......he isn't going to listen. When one keeps makes excuses for the others behavior, they are in denial....he will keep being the enabler by being her doormat as she keeps manipulating him. All she is doing is playing with his head to avoid dealing with her own issues. I just can't believe he doesn't see it.

[chasesummer]

So, i did as everyone advised and backed right off to kinda see what she does and not let her hold the "reigns". She texted me once last night after we talked on the phone very random almost to see if i was still pissed and i responded with a short answer and did not talk to her or text her at all last night. Same thing today, i did not initiate anything at all and did not hear from her at all. About 3:30pm or so, she comes wheeling in the driveway and had a completely different attitude and outlook on things and said she was sorry for yesterday and went in the house and made supper and started cleaning things around the house. She seemed really ashamed about what happened and quiet, so i kinda left things be and we had a good afternoon together. Even when she was at the house, i did not stop what i was doing just to spend time with her, like i usually do. I continued my work outside and she even came out a couple times to see what i was doing and hung out outside in the garage with me for a while which she used to do but hadn't in a while.

I hate "playing", but i think for a little while anyhow i'm going to make myself a little less available and a little less interested so she can see what she's missing if she continues her trend. And that i'm not going to be there at her beckon call anytime she wants. Is that the right way to go? I only ask, because i'm not very good at playing head games.

[smackie9]

Is this what you really want? Being less available is only a band-aid solution.

[gardenofjade]

Sounds like alot of drama like the Jersey Shore.