Hot/Cold!?

[confusedtennis]

I apologize for the length...any advice would be much appreciated.

I’m in my mid-20s, and I met a recent (2011) college grad in a community tennis league. I’ve been in a couple long-term relationships, whereas he’s had a lot of one-night stands and has never dated in the “real world”.

Despite our dating differences, we clicked right away—ex. he’d come watch my matches, and we’d flirt on the sidelines while watching our teammates compete, etc. Shortly after we first met, he had said that he was disappointed because he thought I was engaged because I wear a ring on my right ring finger. I told him that I was definitely single, and that engagement rings go on the left.

After a couple weeks of hanging out through tennis and exchanging texts (he usually initiates—telling me about his day... not much flirting, unfortunately), he asked me to get a drink with him. The setup of the bar was a bit strange, so we couldn’t really touch, but the conversation seemed to flow well. Two hours later, I drove him to his place. Pretty much the second the car stops, he says “thanks so much, i had fun” and BOLTS out the door. I thought, wow, I must’ve misread him. But then shortly thereafter, I got a text from him saying that he had a great time with me and that we should do it again sometime. So I chalked up his strange behavior to nerves.

The next Friday night, he took me out for drinks and pool/darts. Many of his friends were there, but we spent about 95% of the time focused on me, which was both unnecessary and sweet. During that outing, he made a few attempts to touch me (ex. hugged me when we won a game). We left at closing time and found ourselves parting ways at a ridiculously lit and busy intersection. He fumbled over his words for a while and ultimately asked to make future plans... and then the night ended with a friendly hug. He has never shown any signs of nerves to me, so my read of it was that he was stumbling over his words because he was nervous, and that he genuinely wanted to go out again.

The following night, he sad he wasn’t feeling well, but he invited me over to his place to watch my favorite movie, Shawshank Redemption. We sat next to each other, but there certainly wasn’t much cuddling going on—in fact, I’d say the little contact that we had was platonic. At some point, he put his arm ‘around me’, but I think he was hugging the couch more than he was hugging me. Throughout the movie, we paused it a bunch of times to chat, so I ended up leaving really late in the morning. Before I left, he asked to meet up again, but I couldn't solidify anything because I'm really busy this week. He then gave me a one-armed hug and pretty much shooed me out the door. Ouch!

So now I am thoroughly confused... Between the texting, the compliments he gives me (“I was disappointed when I thought you were taken”, "I really like you're new haircut"), and the frequency of our hanging out makes me think that he likes me. I can’t help but think he’s a bit shy, because he has said that he has “no game” and that he is intimidated by the fact that I'm a grad student at Harvard (not to bash my school, but I don't think that going to Harvard makes you any better than anyone else). But on the other hand, the lack of physical contact (and when the little awkward physical contact that we do have) makes me feel I’ve been slated to the friend zone.

Any advice?!? This is getting to be really frustrating!

[HeartIsAching]

He's SHY! And inexperienced, and doesn't know how to go about doing what he wants. You said yourself he's never been in a relationship.

Just be direct and honest with him:

"It's ok to kiss me if you want to." or "I want a better hug than that."

Give him the green light!

[smackie9]

I'm sure he feels a bit intimidated, you being older, graduated from Harvard, probably more sophisticated that anyone he has ever been interested in and of course what HeartIsAching said. So you can't expect him to respond to you like the other men you are used to dating, so you definitely need to handle this differently. This is a case of where subtle hints will not work. Put a smile on your face, and talk more about him and what he does, focus all your attention on him....kind of switch the typical male/female roles around. Treat him the way you would like to be treated. Don't go over board, make sure he feels he is doing some of the work. Like what HeartIsAching said, say more direct things in those awkward situations.

There has been a lot of very shy guys that have posted on this site. Most, and even regular guys, wish that women would step up and do more initiating. I know it's not what you are used to doing but just do what you are comfortable with and see what result you get. Best of luck. Please keep up posted, I'm curious how this plays out. :-)

[gardenofjade]

Clear communication with whole messages.
I see, I think, I feel, I need... and he'll answer.

[Sixpacj]

This is a case of where subtle hints will not work.

Subtle hints never, never, ever work, IMHO. What works is clear communication. Verbal communication. This means verbalising. Which means saying what is on your mind in clear sentences, as written above here, "I feel/think/am afraid that .... and therefore... ".

[haxan]

Well, the thing is with shyness, it's usually making contact, getting the date, getting on the couch etc...this guy has accomplished all of that.

I'd say probably 1 of 2 things. Either he's not getting cozy, make-out vibes from you and doesn't want to push the issue, or now that he's gotten up close and personal, may not be as attracted to you as he originally thought.

[gardenofjade]

Men won't try to have sex with the ones they think are wife material. They will wait as long as it takes for her to make the first move. But ask to make sure.

[HeartIsAching]

Men won't try to have sex with the ones they think are wife material.

Utter horse-hockey.

[confusedtennis]

Thanks for the responses everyone- they're very helpful. Today, by chance, I ran into him at a local coffee shop. He asked to do another movie night this week and he later initiated a text conversation, asking about my upcoming week and ended up offering me advice for an upcoming research project. I threw in some flirtatious messages into the convo, but it seemed like he was so into giving me advice that they were totally lost on him (or he's put me so far in the friend-zone that he didn't register)! So yea, either he's trying to establish a really good friendship or he's genuinely interested but is very shy.

Either way, as you all said, I guess i need to step-up my game to find out. I'll try to be a little more verbal about things-- even though I'm a little worried about crashing and burning.

[Mdates]

From your story and your dates, you really seems to be in a rush to get busy with this guy and he's not really feeling your hormones! Every guy, is not always on sex mode! This guy really respects you and wants to take it slow, that says a lot about his character! I always take it slow with women, I really care about! if the shoe was on the other foot, Iguarantee you any woman would be annoyed, when the date is in hormone overload!

[haxan]

Utter horse-hockey.

hahaha, couldn't agree more.

[smackie9]

I think what he was trying to say is that guys that are wanting a GF usually like to spend time, at least a few weeks or a few dates first before jumping into bed, which in a lot of cases is true I'll give him that. BUT in this post we are talking about just a simple goodnight kiss or some hand holding to show his intentions.

In Confusedtennis's situation, we usually see this with a lot of guys (not many girls) and how frustrating it is to figure it out. The answer is obvious.....communication.

[confusedtennis]

After reading your posts, I realized that I was THAT girl who is friendly to all guys. In other word, publicly, I'm the same with a guy I like as I am with a guy I consider to be a friend... So how was the poor guy supposed to know I like him?*

Well, I followed your advice and stepped up my game and communicated more clearly. Last night on a whim we bought a bottle of wine and headed to the beach to relax. We ended up talking and making out all night-- turns out, he was just shy. We're making plans to hang out again this weekend. I'm not sure where this "relationship" is going, but I like it! Thanks again for your help!

[smackie9]

Excellent! Not sure where this relationship is going? Remember "communication".

[confusedtennis]

Haha I just meant Im not any rush to "define" the relationship.