Even after all these years..

[runnersva1]

Hey guys! My name is Sophia, and I have quite a story to tell you. I want all of you with the time, patience, and beautiful advice to keep on reading because I need YOU. I need you to tell me what I should and should not do. Be honest; be sincere; tell me what you would want to hear.

I grew up an only child with a single mom raising me. We weren't rich, but we didn't live on the streets or in a semi-nice house. It was an apartment. It was just us, with the incoming dates and my grandparents visiting each weekend. I was well-liked but a lot of trouble. I remember being sent to the principal's office in Kindergarten for "fighting with pencils". So, as you might've concluded, I had a lot of anger growing up, and that confused anger turned into anger towards men as I grew up.

I was so confused about my dad. Why did he leave? What'd I do? Etc..etc. I'd watch other girls get picked up and swung around by their dads, while my mom taught me to braid my hair. I loved my mom, but I needed my father. So. He came once when I was five. It was the perfect outing. We ate seafood then came back to the house. It was pretty late, so I went in my bed and pretended to sleep. I wanted my daddy to come tuck me in, but he never came..ever. He left. I waited by the phone everyday at 4 o'clock for his call, but he never stuck to his promise to call.

I got over that as a child because I didn't much understand the situation, and I definitely didn't have any andwers. Plus, my mom began dating again.

When I was seven, she met someone who she got pretty serious about. In fact, we all moved in together. This meant me starting a new school, but it was the summer do I started at a camp first

I had no idea how much this move, this camp, and this new school would change my life, my idea on men, and my personality. It was here at summer camp, at the age of seven, that I met the love of my life.

I was a new girl, so I walked into camp a shy girl with beach blonde hair anda wicked dark tan. I must say, I was adorable growing up. The first girl I met was Rachel. She and I became the best of friends, and she ntroduced me to everyone in our group, including John. John was the cutest boy I had ever seen! I smiled at him all the time, but I also noticed he liked Rachel. I was so upset about this. I wanted John all to myself.

One day, while we were sitting in line, John came up to me, pointed, and said, "Hey. You see that boy over there?" I looked in the direction he was pointing. It was a round boy with sun spots and a weird laugh that he was pointing to.. "He likes you!" John said with a chuckle. I thought to myself, "Oh great. That kid is going to ruin my chance with John by trying to get near me!"

Yes. I was only seven, but I have quite the memory.

From that day forward, I remember that that big boy, Jack, didn't turn out as I thought he'd be, he wasn't obsessive, he didn't try to come near me, and he certainly didn't show he liked me. So, I remember starting to like him. He was curious, like he had a secret, and I wanted to know it so badly!

I waved to Jack everyday until the last day of camp. We had talked a few times, but I had no idea how much we'd talk later in life...

When I started the second grade, I was nervous. I had a more lenient uniform then the one I had at private school the previous year.

I walked into school shy, but then after I spotted someone I knew in the crowd my fears disappeared. Jack was here. I remember him sitting and talking with a girl, but I found out later It was his cousin. STILL. The second I saw them I was so jealous.

I spent the whole year chasing after him. I sent him little love notes, chased him (literally), and he was even my first kiss! I jumped on his back in the middle of the soccer field and kissed him on the lips! He was my everything.. He was my first true little kid love, but then he turned into being me true .TRUE love.. In middle school, junior high, and now, high school.

I spent years chasing after him. It was only in the sixth, seventh, and eighth grade that I loosened up and became best friends with him. He knew about the story about my dad, he knew what bugged me, my personality, how strict and overprotective my mother was/is, everything. He became the person who knew me best. And eventually, I was okay with being just friends. In fact, I went out with a few other boys that I sort of liked. None of those relationships worked out, but I still did it and Jack knew about all of them. In fact, between 6th and 8th grade, I was so crazy about his best friend Joseph. Joseph made me smile everytime I saw him. I loved him so much, and when I changed back to private school for ninth grade I cried that whole summer over Joseph.

Then.. I realized something towards the end of that summer... I never grieved over losing Jack. For the first tms, I'd be at school without him. I wouldn't see him everyday. We wouldn't drive each other crazy, get int trouble with our teachers, or laugh at each there's ridicules.

He was never really physical with me. In fact, until recently, he hadn't hugged me very much either. He had one girlfriend for one week in the seventh grade.

I think he has fear of commitment because his parents suffered from a terrible divorce..

But anyways, I called him that summer. And guess what? He had kissed someone else for the first time since that first kiss of ours in the second grade. But I wasn't sad. I was happy for him! Jack was growing up. I had kissed plenty of boys since second grade, so he deserved someone to kiss, too!

I called again when schools started, and I told him all about the all girl private school. It was different, I said, especially after getting into SO much trouble with boys at coed public school for all those years. I told Jim I missed it, but I liked my new school.

The girl he kissed was a one time thing. He met her on vacation and she meant nothing. He told me everything about school, the girl, and how much he..missed me.

That December he started to tell me about how we should hangout. He invited me places, but I could ever go. My mom is strict when it comes to plans, always has been. She wants the best and safest life for me. She liked Jack though so I knew shed come around one day she knew his mom, all about me and Jack's crazy friendship, and he I was so crazy in love with him still after all those years.

So finally, we hungout. I walked from the gym to his house across the street. It wasn't awkward at all. He let me in, we talked, and then I said to give me a tour of his house. Of course the tour ended with his room. But to my surprise, we just talked for 3 hours. Then, when his dad came home, I left. No kiss, nothing.
Two hours later..I went back. We talked for another hour. Then when it was two minuted before I had to leave, we made out. When I say it was worth the wait..I mean it.

SO MUCH CHEMISTRY.

I left, and then the next day I snuck out to meet him. I stayed at his house from 11-4:30 am. We talked for 3 hours and kissed for 2.5. He touched me in all the right places. It was such a magical night. And even before it got physical, we talked so genuinely to each other. He told me about his sister who had an abusive father, about our plans for college and professions, high school, each other. He even made me laugh so hard I literally peed!

I left so happy. I had to wake up at 6 am the next day, but even with 2 hours of sleep, I was so energized the next day. I was in love; this I knew for sure.

I realized I eft my iPod at his house. I wanted so badly to walk back over and get it, but jack was leaving for Colorado. I told him to have a great trip and call me when he gets back.

We didn't talk all that week he was out of town, and when he came back, he was busy at his mom's house (faway from mine). The bext week was a parade, he never answered me to tell me he wpif he was going, but as I was leavng, I saw him with Joseph. I hugged them both, but we didn't talk much. After that, I invited him to my friend's party, but he had to get up early and go to the city with his dad. The third week, it was his dad's birthday. One month, he was at his mom's house. Now.. He's back, but I can't text him OR receive texts because Idon't have a phone.

I told him that I was confused about what was going on and that I'd wait for him to let me know when he was free. He hasn't.. I still love him very very much, but I'm confused. Did he use me? I asked him that, but he said no of course not.

He even told me how great the other night was! He was truthful, too. He kissed me so passionately, and we didn't want to stop. We almost didn't! I could tell how he felt just by the way he kissed and looked at me. He really loves me.

Is he scared? How long do I wait? I miss him, and I play that moment over and vet in my head all the time. I love him with all of my heart, and I can't lose him.. Not like I lost my dad. I NEED Jack in my life. I don't know how to live without him..

Respond if you read please! I need some advice from other passionate people!

[smackie9]

You see, whatever traumatic event (big or small) in childhood dictates your behavior as you get older and into adulthood. The absence of your father was very hard for you, and you so wanted that attention you so craved. When you met your friend, you shifted yourself emotionally to him. You have a deep emotional attachment to him because the lack of having a male figure in your life.

Unfortunately, with a lot of young boys, they don't feel the emotional intensity like young girls do, it's just physical. There is a possibility he is just a horny boy that was experimenting with you which is typical. So it's time for you to put down the romance novel and learn about real life. Guys will do and say anything to get in your pants. I'm sure your mother has given you that talk. You need to have some self control over your feelings so they don't consume you over things like this.

You don't need Jack in your life, you need to be happy just with yourself. Never think your life has no meaning unless you are with a guy. Sorry but you need to push yourself away from this, and focus on yourself, be busy with friends, activities and fill your thoughts will positive things and not obsessing over this guy.

I know it's hard to take that Jack may not always be in your life, but life is never fair, we get hurt, heal, and move on.

I recommend you seek out some counseling. There are some unresolved issues about your father that should be addressed......I just see a lot of pain you still carry in your heart.

[runnersva1]

No I appreciate the honesty more than you know.

It is hard dealing with pain from my father. He's in his seventies and an alcoholic, so he could pass anytime now. I know I'll feel so confused, sad, and angry if he died without visiting him. I've persistently emailed him for about a year, but I stopped 6 months ago.

I try to distract myself from Jack. I run track everyday which helps so much. I'm just a big dreamer, so I always find myself replaying all the good times with Jack through my head. It's very difficult for me to see the bad in people..

Thanks again for the advice. You're right and also a lot of help!

[smackie9]

I run myself and it sure clears the cobwebs. There is nothing wrong with having dreams, big or small, we all do.

I know someone that was in a similar sitution to you. His father was abusive tho, and a alcoholic. His father was sick for many years, the relationship very strained. When it came time when his father was dying he felt such guilt for all the hate he had for his father, and felt he wasn't a good son to him. If you feel you need to see him, then just do it. Maybe he will say his peace maybe not, just remember you are not obligated to, you will not be looked at as a horrible person. He really was never your father that's the reality of it. The persons who were a part of raising you were.

I have a question for you. Did your family ever tell you what really happened? as to why he left? Sometimes the truth never comes out until many years later.

[runnersva1]

I've gotten different answers to those questions over the years, but after hearing all the stories I've made my own conclusion to why he left.

First of all, he wasn't in any condition to be a father. He drank constantly and was about 37 years older than my mother. They had met while my mom coped with a terrible carjacking involving a gun, and I guess things became romantic after awhile.

He wanted what was best for her and knew a younger, healthier man could provide the best for the both of us.

He's never seemed like a bad guy when I talk to him.nhe entertains different topics I bring up. My mom has told me that on many occasions he has called drunk wanting her back and saying he didn't want to see ME, only her.

I didn't believe that, but I heard a message one time. It broke my heart, but I knew it was the alcohol talking..


My mom didn't like that he drank, and I guess she didn't want her kid to grow up in that environment, she couldn't trust him after she found out he was an alcoholic, so how could she trust him to not act violently when drunk? She wanted me t be safe. No matter what, she wanted me to have a good life.

So overall, they had issues with each other, and then he had issues in general.

I ran today at a track meet. I broke my record. I felt like letting go, I ran for anger, for sadness, and for myself. I think I'm finally learning to let go, but I know it's not over yet. That was just today; today was a good day.

[smackie9]

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic mother....it was mental abuse but all the same, so I say it was for the best for you. It's too bad your mother wasn't more open and honest with you then there wouldn't have been all the confusion.

Congratz on setting a new record. Don't worry healing takes time but you are finally going forward now, you are doing good!

[runnersva1]

Thanks for the congratulations, and I have much sympathy towards your situation. I hope she is better now and treats you right? If not, I'll give you the same advice you gave me.. Stay strong and seek help if you need it.

Best wishes to you!

[smackie9]

It's all good now, she hasn't drank in like 12 years. It did take a lot of tough love though. She is also manic depressed on top of it so, there always some monets of dysfunction to deal with.

[runnersva1]

That must've been very difficult for you growing up, but wow! Twelve years is such an accomplishment. My father started when he was 15 and hasn't stopped since then. I'm surprised he's still alive actually.. And as for the manic depression, that's also difficult to live with and witness. I'm sure you've found a healthy way to deal with it/ cope?