Help me....

[sr2011]

Hi folks,
Need some advice, please, please !

Background:
Me - 40 yrs old, divorced, 1 young son
Girlfriend - 39 yrs old, divorced, 2 young sons.
Dating a year, living all under one roof for 5 months.

I agree and confirm I am definitely clingy sometimes, but working hard to fight it.
However, not jealous....just stingy with time, since between our kids, we only have a few hours of alone time per week.

Recently, my girlfriend started taking a Zumba class two nights per week, and I keep reminding her how little alone time we have as it is.

In reminding her, I was pretty persistent, to the point of a chill between us.
People say I should go out w/my friends...I have many opportunities to go out with my friends, but what is stopping me?

After I got on my soapbox about "quality time", #1, wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? and #2, I only fear she will increase her dance class schedule, and thus, cut down on more of "us" time.

Even before I met her, I grew out of the "out" lifestyle (I'm 40), so doing it would be more spite than anything, and that is not a healthy action by me.

Now, here is my question:
About a month ago, I was really upset when she changed her Facebook Profile back to her two kids from a picture of us. In spite, I changed my status to single, and she put us back up.

Well, guess what?
Yesterday, she changed it to her kids again.

What did I do?
I commented and said it was a great pic on her wall.

At night, she even asked me if I saw the pic of her kids and that she put it up because her 10yr old asked her to.

You see, guys...I just received an unsolicited E-mail from my sister checking on me since she knows I am having a hard time with finances...and I swear that I didn't mention the FB profile pic my girlfriend changed (I'd only be harming myself by lying). In her E-mail, she said, "She put the boys up in her profile pic which is ok when your married but there is almost a subliminal message"

I mean, I am trying to focus on myself, but seeing that E-mail without even asking for it just makes me really wonder about what she wrote.

Do I sit back and simmer?
Do I change MY profile pic to my son, as almost 48 hours passed?

Help !!!

[IndiReloaded]

1. Facebook is stupid. Don't base anything on what happens there.

2. If you want to spend more time together, *do* something together. Why don't you workout together?

FWIW, I'm married and we have separate interests. I don't expect my husband to like everything I do and vice-versa (posting here, for example I find fun he thinks its silly). Besides, a couple fitness classes is hardly something you want her to stop doing, right? Its fun, healthy and will keep her fit. Sounds like you need to find some interests of your own, or find something to do together.

[sr2011]

Points taken...
however...
Do I change MY profile pic to my son, as almost 48 hours passed?
or
Do I sit back and simmer?

[IndiReloaded]

1. Facebook is stupid. There's an echo in this thread too.

2. You already are. How's that working out for you?

[vashti]

Is this a joke? She is the MOTHER of two little kids. Do you seriously think that because she has your photo up, she values you more than them? Or that if she puts their photos up, she doesn't care about you?

If she dumps you, it will be because you are acting like a child. Seriously, this is the silliest post I've seen in ages, and your sister is an idiot.

[Wakeup]

I'm in agreement withthe majority here: I can't understand why 40 year old people are squabbling about freaking facebook. My goodness! Surely the two of you have better things to do then worry about what photo is up on some crappy networking site? Block your sis so she can't creep your business.

If After only knowing each other for a year and moving in together, you must think you know one another enough If you'd do that, why not get a family photo of EVERYONE and you both post the same picture (or variation thereof).

Further: Surely you don't expect her to do nothing other than be with you? Surely you don't do anything else but spend your time with her? Get your sister (who apparently has way too much time on her hands so she trys to control your bizz as well as her own) to baby sit while you work out yourself or, spend some time with your own friends on the nights that your soon to be wife is keeping herself fit.

[sr2011]

Few days after this.....after I started the Nice Guy stuff (a book/book on tape....dont wanna get in trouble here...in addition to the book, I also ordered the tape. The difference is like Night and Day! Love listening to it and doing the exercises. Also, been staying off Facebook and off viewing her Profile Page (viewing.....NOT hacked....lol)

NOW....here is where I am:
I was being clingy/needy and telling her that since we have limited alone time each week, it was not right to go to her Zumba classes or pop by her girlfriends house.

SO...I am starting Karate class next week, and am doing the tape and it brings tears to my eyes how DEEPLY it describes every mechanism I have and I ALWAYS THOUGHT NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD was like this !! I was wrong...

NOW..as I said...due to my crappy ways, my girlfriend and I were on a major downward spiral.
So, last night, I told her about how telling her to stay home and not try to better herself or have leisure time JUST SO I can get attention and seek approval was WRONG, and the battles we have had for months over me doing this was my fault, I took ownership for it, and that I was working on bettering myself for me, and not for anyone but me, to improve my life all around (family, business, etc).

So, I know her girlfriends were getting together for a girl Candle party (like those Tupperware parties from way back!), and she mentioned it, and I told her to go. She said, "Really, are you sure?". We went back and forth a few times, and she looked shocked.

However, from our talk, I sensed that she might be a little leary about my motives, and she mentioned that if she goes out, she doesn't want it thrown back in her face during another agreement. I assured her, however...we have had major battles over these things where I even packed up my stuff!!!

Now, how am I feeling?
1. It felt right to me, since she works hard and does deserve time
2. I won't lie, however, it was not easy. I don't feel afraid, nervous, or jealous, but, I do feel that between her late week of work and only one night the whole week (not including tonight) for us to enjoy alone time, I feel "insulted" that she chose to go, knowing that (if "insulted" is the right word?)

On a tangent, I thought that perhaps she was "testing" me, and watching my reaction and body language to see if it was sincere. She kissed me, said should be no more than 2 hours...asked me again if I was sure, and I told her that it's totally fine, to have fun, and to say hello to her friends. Tough for me. You have all been there.....tough due to the limited time and the CHOICE she made over me. I remind myself that nothing OUTSIDE of my own skin can be controlled.....

Look, from those of you that have been on this post since I started it days ago...I feel like I've already made some leaps forward.
It's hard, but nothing worth doing in life is easy.

I'd be interested in feedback.
Sincerely.

[haxan]

I don't think this is real, is it?

[oneandonly]

Seriously? Fuss over FB profile at 40?

Well, it's good to hear that you are making some effort but you are not going to change over night, if ever. If she looks shocked and has to ask again and again if you are okay with her going out with her friends, you must have been pretty clingy in the past.

I may not be too happy with one night a week quality time together. But then, you have children, work and other mundane obligations involving raising kids. It would be hard to juggle all that.

Perhaps plan a date and take her out once a month? How many days of quality time will satisfy you? Find out how many days are good enough for her and see if you two can compromise and plan something together?

[sr2011]

Thanks
"If she looks shocked and has to ask again and again if you are okay with her going out with her friends, you must have been pretty clingy in the past"

Sad, but true.....Sad, but true !


Weird schedule...
my son is here every other week.
Her kids are here 5-6 days per week.

She works late every other week.
Crazy schedule....dynamic lifestyle...

I just am hoping she doesn't revel in the "new me" and start doing things nightly.....
Omm....if that happens.....and I feel like a fool for asking....What can I say or do?

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just make your own date nights with her on the nights that she's free.. If you don't do anything with her but sit at home and watch T.V. while calling that "quality time" then the possiblity exists that she'll get bored of doing nothing with you (or anyone else who does nothing fun) and she will meet up with friends for the sheer enjoyment of, as I said, having some fun.

I think couples who have been together for a while tend to forget that you need to be interesting in order to keep your parnter interested. Just like you did when you first met and you were "courting" her/him. Why would you stop being that person who was trying to win over the object of your affection?

[sr2011]

I cannot think of abandonment issues in my past...however, I got separated a little over a year ago, and right before, I stayed in the house and she was the one who had to move out, so there were many months alone there....even though I enjoyed the time...I did feel alone.

Wonder if this has an impact on why I am clingy/needy now??