Who am I kidding, it's all you

[cast no shadow]

It is you who makes me feel so bad. It is you that makes me cry, to feel depressed, to feel like I will never be happy or pleased again. It is you who's hunting my dreams at night and my thoughts during the day. You are always there, control my wished, control my doing, control my hear and mind. It is you who penetrate me so deeply until I'm lost inside. It is the thought of you and our lives together that prevent me from concentrating and believing that I can move on.

It is you, well, and maybe it's just me. I made of myself for being this reckless, for wanting to play without realizing how I'll probably get burn. It was me that wanted you first, and it was me who felt so pleased when I succeeded. It was me who enjoyed you touch, you presence even when I knew that it will end. It was me who became that dependent for the one guy who made me feel good and alive.

It was me that idealized our relationship for much more than they actually were. Who ignored what I felt bothered from, all those time you treated me bad. It was me that was in-love like a 14 years-old, even that I am now a decade older.

I wanted this so much, and I felt so good inside of it - even when I felt bad. I forgot every hurting thing, every insulating work a second after you said it. I told myself that I will leave soon anyway, so I might as well enjoyed everything in the meantime. I lived in a dream, a dream where a girl meets a boy, far away from home, far away from any restrains. Like in every fairy tale this girl loved the boy, but the difference was that the boy weren't.

I don't know what you really felt, what you've really thought. You always so smart and rational that I bet you'll never let yourself sink so deeply as I did. I waited for my plain and you turned away. You have probably already moved on.

Dear, I am still here. Hurting for you. Missing you. Dreaming that one day I will have my happy ending, so far, I can only see you there. It is you that inside my head and heart and I can't let you go.

[runnersva1]

I know how you feel. I've been in lve. With the same guy for eight years. I have the "I will never give up on you, for I love you" attitude.

Keep your chin up. Meet new people, and experience new things. Sometimes when you're having so much fun, you don't think about him. Ride some roller coasters, bungee jump, do smelting wild to change up your life. Learn to live. You only live once, so love and live your life in a positive way.

Good luck to you

[jtut21]

It's obvious you are in love! You will make it through the challenges you are going through. All the best!

[dem862]

Love is the color on the blank canvas of life.

[cast no shadow]

Thank you all,

This emptiness is eating me. I can't fill the void. Can't move on.

I know the reality, I know it is the end, but I can't stop hopping. Maybe he will come visit in the summer, he said he would, one.
We haven't talked in more than a month, so I know it probably means he won't come.
I know it's for the best. Not seeing him, not feeling his body again. It sad, but it will help me heal.

I don't want to see him, but I need him so much.
Thinking maybe to send him an e-mail, asking if his coming, but I know the answer. He would have keep in touch if he thought of visiting.

So I won't see him again. I know it, but I can't feel it. I can't put this logic into my heart.
I'm aching, and it seems as only he can fix it.

Want this feeling to go away. Want to be me again, without this foolish dreams.

I feel destroyed. How do I make the change?

[couchpotato]

Simple, put aside your pride (useless when alone) and call/email him and talk.
You got way too deep feelings to let your opportunity pass...at least you can say you tried!!
This NC, ego, pride...non workable solutions.
Be normal and call him,do it for yourself.

[cast no shadow]

It not the pride, we live ocean apart, I will never have him.

I know it in my mind, but I can't my emotions know it as well.