Only in movies...

[Graham Berkeley]

Evening all,

I've frequented this forum from time to time over the last 4 years. Had a couple screen names. Asked so many questions... Answered so many posts... Made friends and enemies...

My life has changed so much from the early days of my postings which were identical to so many others on here. Long winded explanations of love and loss designed to foster some closure or meaning...

Back then I was a college drop out nobody making less than $20k a year pining away for a girl. Life has changed so much. Virtually over night I went from making less than a coffee shop cashier to making over $100k a year and to date have traveled too 9 different countries for my job. Certain opportunities that I took advantage of only happen in sparing amount no matter how hard you work. I've worked hard but I know how lucky I am.

I wish I had some insight into relationships after all this. Girls have come and gone over the last 4 years but never did it bloom into love or a relationship. I'm no better at meeting women now than I was back then. I feel like such an interloper in my group of friends. They all make salaries comparable to mine or higher but I have nothing in common with most of them. They are where they are because their parents put them through school, bought them a car and, in some cases, still pay their bills. The women in my circle aren't very appealing to me. There is a parochial quality to them that makes me feel like I'm talking to an inexperienced child whenever a conversation leaves the confines of the shallow or material...

I tend to attract women from more "self-sufficient" backgrounds. Girls more down to Earth. I find myself more attracted to these types, women of personality and life experiences. They too seem to bring a fatal flaw to the table. If I had a list of reasons things never blossomed with these girls it would include; Kids, abusive Ex-boyfriends whom they are not over, abusive fathers, incredibly low self esteem... etc... With these girls it often feels like they are attracted to me because they think I can save them or fix their lives... or... They love my money... Its like being caught in a paradox.

There is a naive belief my mind is still holding onto that i'm decently attractive and that it isn't me with the problem its everyone else... Convenient but I must be the reason I'm alone...

My twenties are nearly depleted and i've spent the later half of the last decade wondering why what seems to come so easily to others has been an elusive ghost for me... The only thing life has demonstrated to me time and time again is there isn't a soul mate for everyone no matter how friendly, good looking, charismatic or well funded you are. Sometimes its just not in the cards...

[VincenzoG91]

I dated a lot over the years, but I didn't have my first long-term relationship until I was 32. Even then, I still had some growing up to do.

Your situation isn't that bad, or unusual. Thanks to the high cost of tuition, a lot of people are spending their 20s living at home with mom and/or dad, and not getting serious about their relationships until their 30s. At least you have a good income, because that gives you more flexibility and freedom. Just try to resist the temptation to use your money to rescue these damaged women. Don't settle for a bad relationship, but don't hold out for perfection either, because that's going to be a long wait. Just keep asking women out. It's a sorting process, and if you meet enough women, you're bound to find somebody who is right for you eventually. She won't be perfect (nobody is perfect), but she will be right for you, and you will know it.

[gardenofjade]

Oh come on, you want Eve to walk out of the garden and take your hand? Everyone comes with baggage. Everyone. The key is finding the tapestry bag that you are willing to handle. If a woman is willing and able to be coached and shows positive growth then she's the one.
Now about you, have you really dealt with your baggage and are you the one who is hesitant to find a woman because of your weak past? Maybe some counseling and coaching would help you grow emotionally and spiritually.

[Graham Berkeley]

VincenzoG91,

Thats an interesting point. I'm seeing a lot of my post college buddies getting into their first relationships right about this age. I can't relate as I've been married before and had one other long term GF. Its like they are just now starting the catch up game with dating and a lot of them are marrying the first person they've ever dated.

There is something else going on. Seems trying to meet a girl under 30 who makes $100k a year who isn't a spoiled brat seems impossible since the variables that produce such a thing are so rare. Let alone meeting that girl and us having chemistry...

It only seems to be getting worse with age... This sinking feeling in my gut that says it just isn't in the cards for me.

[couchpotato]

Dont fix anybody,dont even try it!
See who is healthy and who is not.If they are willing to work on themselves (at least they try) and you got feelings for them...why not ? But set a limit of what is acceptable and what not.
Lots of vampires out there.
Careful with the drama queens!
It is useless to be fearful of something that might or might not happen,just relax and enjoy the ride...we all did!

[VincenzoG91]

VincenzoG91,

Thats an interesting point. I'm seeing a lot of my post college buddies getting into their first relationships right about this age. I can't relate as I've been married before and had one other long term GF. Its like they are just now starting the catch up game with dating and a lot of them are marrying the first person they've ever dated.

There is something else going on. Seems trying to meet a girl under 30 who makes $100k a year who isn't a spoiled brat seems impossible since the variables that produce such a thing are so rare. Let alone meeting that girl and us having chemistry...

It only seems to be getting worse with age... This sinking feeling in my gut that says it just isn't in the cards for me.

Have you ever heard of the Drake equation? It's a mathematical formula used to estimate the number of alien civilizations in our galaxy that we might be able to contact some day.

You need a Berkeley equation, to calculate the chances of meeting "a girl under 30 who makes $100k a year who isn't a spoiled brat" plus chemistry.

Girl (female, anyway): roughly 51% of the population
Under 30 (and over 17, I assume): maybe 25%
makes $100k+ a year: maybe 2% of the population in the U.S.
isn't a spoiled brat: I have no idea, let's say 80%
chemistry: depends on how often you have chemistry with women in general. You seem a bit picky, so maybe 5%
chances of you meeting her: depends on how extroverted and active you are, but you probably will never get around to meeting even 1/10 of 1% of the human race.

Also, are you fluent in multiple languages? Chemistry will be hard to establish without a shared language, and only about 5% of humans speak English as a first language. And you probably have some standards regarding looks. On a 1-10 scale, would you settle for a 6? A 7? In my opinion, looks are on a bell curve, so there are a lot more 6s than 7s, and a lot more 7s than 8s. Let's say that you could live with a 7+ who met the rest of your criteria, which would be at least one standard deviation above the middle of a bell curve, or 16% of the population.

Just taking the factors that I could identify and assign a percentage: 7 billion people * .51 * .25 * .02 * .8 * .05 * .001 * .05 * .16 = 57 women. Now that would be over the course of your lifetime, so you have theoretically already encountered some of these women and it didn't work out. And some of these women, you won't meet this year or next. And we didn't even talk about religion or political orientation. You can tweak my estimates above and introduce or remove some factors, but overall it looks like you're going to need to broaden your parameters.

[Cerby]

I love Vincenzo's equation. But I ask you OP, why does what the girl makes matter at all? Unless you're saving for retirement at 45 or terribly afraid of finding a gold digger, you should really be looking for someone who has simply made the effort to have a career, whether thay make $30k or $100k.

If you're using income as a basis for your happiness, then you're going to limit yourself for an arbitrary reason.